


Next to you, is where I call home

by LostInAdmiration



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Childhood Friends, Alternate Universe - Sports, Angst, Best Friends, Coming Out, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Running, Sharing a Bed, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-19
Updated: 2018-02-27
Packaged: 2019-01-19 10:40:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 101,298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12408783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LostInAdmiration/pseuds/LostInAdmiration
Summary: “Why don’t you start track too? You’d be a good sprinter, I’m sure you’d do great,” suggested Isak.Isak wasn’t entirely sure why he asked - he mostly liked being alone and he barely knew Even - but there was just something about Even that had drawn Isak to him.(When Isak had admitted that a few years later, Even had insisted it was fate, that they were destined to be best friends. Isak just argued that he was a good judge of character.)





	1. Tin Foil Trophies

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! I've been working on this for a while, and it's an addition to my most favourite trope - childhood best friend AU's. This is a fic in which both Isak and Even compete in athletics, and have been best friends for a very long time.
> 
> This is sort of inspired by the movie Jongens, as well hours of AU discussion with my wonderful buds in #TeamTakeItEasy. Thank you both for helping me build this story with your brilliant ideas - I couldn't have done this without you.
> 
> Thanks so much to [Shannon](http://my0rdinarymadness.tumblr.com/) and [Sarah](http://canonicallyanxious.tumblr.com/) for reading this over for me, you're both fantastic.
> 
> Hope you like this! <3

It was late, and the air was freezing enough to feel like it was burning his skin. As Isak ran through the cold, he let himself forget for a while, watching his breath trail out behind him in clouds. The music coming through his headphones was so loud that it felt like his bones were vibrating, but he liked it as loud as it could go - it made no space for anything else to creep into his thoughts.  
  


There was always too much to think about, too much to worry about, too many thoughts whirring through his brain so fast that he couldn't organise them into anything that made sense. It made his muscles tense and his heart beat faster and his breath turn into useless gasps that made his lungs feel too small.  
  


When everything got too overwhelming, the only thing that had ever been able to calm Isak down was running. He'd run until his mind was clear and all he could hear was the thudding of his feet hitting the ground rhythmically, and the way his heartbeat echoed through his head. It was where he could forget about everything and let himself just be, with his muscles aching in the right kind of way and his lungs finally feeling like they were the right size.  
  
Something hit Isak's shoulder suddenly, making him stumble forward with a curse, just managing to save himself before he fell.  
  
There was an empty bottle rolling by Isak's feet, and when he turned and looked up, Even was standing just a few feet away, grinning.  
  
"Couldn't you have just said hi, like a normal person?" Muttered Isak as he made his way over to Even, though he couldn't hide the smile that was fighting to overtake his face. Even's smile was infectious, it always had been.  
  
"Where's the fun in that?" Asked Even, still grinning. He handed over a full bottle of water to Isak and Isak mumbled a thanks as he used his free hand to pull his shirt up, wiping his face.  
"And anyway, you wouldn't have heard me. I’ve told you before, you're going to go deaf if you keep playing your music so loud," added Even, prodding Isak in the stomach and making him yelp.  
  
Isak rolled his eyes and ignored Even's scolding, tucking his headphones back into his pocket once he’d shut the music off.  
  
"Come on," he said "I need to cool down."  
  
Even immediately fell into step with Isak's steady jogging without argument, despite the fact he was wearing jeans and his old beat up trainers, not his usual running gear.  
  
"You’re fifteen, Isak, you’re a teenager. Don't you have anything better to do on a Friday night than go running on your own?" Even teased once he and Isak had gotten into rhythm.  
  
Isak snorted and stepped over to bump his and Even's shoulders together.  
  
"Shut up," he grumbled, but there was no bite to it.  
"You only didn't come with me because your mum wanted you to go out for dinner with her."  
  
Even just grinned, scuffing his toe a little on every third step and flexing his fingers into fists before splaying them back out again, like he always did when he ran.  
  
"When's your next competition again? The one I dropped out of?" Asked Even, even though Isak knew Even had it written in his calendar, circled four times and written in big red letters, with a ridiculous doodle of Isak beside it.  
  
"Saturday," Isak replied anyway.  
  
Even let out a low whistle, before taking a few long strides so that he was ahead of Isak, and he turned so that he was running backwards, grinning widely.  
  
"You'll have to be faster than that if you want to keep your winning streak," he said, still running backwards and barely stumbling as he kept his eyes fixed on Isak. "Come on, I'll race you to the end."  
  
Even turned and started sprinting straight away, ignoring Isak's protests and laughing loudly as he disappeared down the track and further into the dark. Isak couldn't help but laugh along too as he chased after Even, even though he knew he had no hope of beating him.  
  
Isak was good at long distance. He could run for miles and ignore the ache in his legs and the burning of his lungs. He'd been winning medals and trophies for it since he was young, and he knew it was something he was truly good at. Even, however, was a sprinter, and had been running almost as long as Isak. He was fast and powerful and Isak truly admired the way he got to the finish line strides before anyone else, making it look so easy almost every time. Isak could run for longer, but Even would always be faster, and Isak was fine with that. Isak was steady and controlled, he trained hard and thought carefully. Even, on the other hand was a ball of energy and speed; he was almost reckless and never seemed to have any sort of plan. Isak never thought he was better than Even; Even was unique and worked just as hard. Isak couldn't help but idolise Even a little, and the way he threw his whole heart and soul into every race.  


Isak caught sight of Even just as he reached the end of the track, throwing his hands in the air and whooping before flopping down onto the grass, clapping his hands together for Isak as he reached the end.  
  
"Good effort, but you're still too slow," teased Even as Isak settled himself down to sit beside him.  
  


"You cheated!" Isak protested with a scowl, but Even just shrugged and carried on smiling, handing Isak's water back to him.  
  
"I've done thirty more laps than you," Isak argued, settling himself on his back on the grass and feeling his heartbeat slowly evening out again.  
 

Even made a face and leant back to lay beside Isak.  
  
"Laps are exhausting, and boring," Even sighed, shifting so that his legs were resting across Isak's shins.  
  


The grass was damp under Isak’s back, and the cold quickly seeped into his clothes, making him shiver. He made no move to sit back up, instead putting his arms by his side and tangling his fingers into the grass, looking up at the the sky above him. Even was right by his side, their legs overlapping and shoulders pressed together; a constant warm presence as Isak felt the adrenaline that had been running through him be replaced with a heavy tiredness. He hadn’t been sleeping well again, most nights only managing to get a few hours of restless sleep, and it was quickly catching up to him.  
  


“Are you nervous?” asked Even, his voice breaking through the silence. Isak watched the clouds of Even’s breath float up and disappear into the darkness and he frowned to himself, trying to decide what he was feeling.  
 

With anyone else, he’d have just shrugged it off or lied, but he never had to pretend around Even. Even would listen to whatever Isak had to say with no judgement, no matter what, and in turn Isak always tried to give him the truth. A small, spiteful thought reminded Isak of all of the things he was keeping from Even, all of the comments he’d brushed off or insisted that everything was fine, but he pushed that thought away as he nodded.  
 

“Yeah. This is a big one, and I’m not sure I’m ready,” Isak replied quietly. He was nervous about every race, he always had shocks of anxiety running through him as he waited impatiently for the signal to go. It was his favourite part of competing; before the pain, before he had to push himself and fight to be in front, all he felt was nervous excitement that buzzed through his veins. Usually Isak thrived on that nervousness, felt a little stronger from it; now, it just made him feel nauseous.  
  


“Isak, all you’ve done for weeks is train. You even quit pizza Fridays for the past three weeks so you could get fitter. You’re more than ready,” Even insisted, reaching down to give Isak’s wrist a squeeze before moving to pillow his hands beneath his head.  
  


“I don’t _feel_ ready,” Isak muttered indignantly. He’d hoped that training a little harder would make him feel a more prepared, but his head just felt in the wrong place. He couldn’t focus on anything, the white noise that was usually just a dull murmur in his mind had gotten so loud it was almost deafening, and it was making it so much harder to focus.  
  


Even sighed and turned his head to face Isak, and Isak did the same. Even’s face was illuminated by the moonlight above him, casting long shadows across his cheeks.  
  


“You’ll do your best like you always do, and whatever happens will happen. Stop overthinking it,” said Even, reaching out to prod the tip of Isak’s nose with his finger. Isak scrunched his nose up and kicked Even in the shin in return, making Even wince before huffing a laugh.  
  


“It must be exhausting, thinking so hard all the time. Give yourself a break before you burn out,” Even added, hauling himself to stand again with a groan. He stretched his arms above his head before holding out a hand to Isak, pulling him upright.  
  


Isak rolled his eyes but gave Even’s hand a squeeze anyway before he let go. Even was perceptive, and knew Isak better than anyone. He probably knew that something wasn’t quite right with Isak, that the anxiety he carried around had become almost unmanageable from everything that was weighing him down. But Even also knew not to pry, that Isak would tell him in his own time, like he always did. Isak had a sudden wave of guilt at the thought that this might be something he’d never tell Even, because it just seemed like something he shouldn’t say out loud, like it would become more real if he did.  
  


They walked back towards their homes side by side, Even talking about the movie he’d been to see with his mum before dinner, gesticulating wildly and doing different voices for each of the characters to make Isak laugh.  
If running was what made Isak's mind clear and blank, Even was the complete opposite, but in the best sort of way. He filled Isak's thoughts with sound and colour - peals of laughter and bright smiles. Even always made Isak feel safe, made him feel alive. It made it easier to breathe as he and Even walked home together, Even’s shoulder bumping into Isak’s every now and again, and their laughter echoing through the empty street. Isak’s damp shirt was making his teeth chatter violently and he was so cold that it hurt, but he wished he could stay out with Even all night, walking around aimlessly and talking about nothing. A lot of things in Isak’s life had suddenly become uncertain, things were changing and he didn’t know quite how to deal with it - it felt like the ground was shifting beneath his feet and he had nowhere to go. But one thing that had always been a constant in Isak’s life was Even, with his uncontainable energy and colourful imagination and bright smiles that made Isak feel a little bit more grounded.  
  


Even seemed to catch on to the way that Isak was dragging his feet and walking a little slower as they got closer to his house, and he reached out and gently steered Isak in the opposite direction with a small smile.  
  


“Want to stay at my house? It’s the weekend so my parents won’t mind. I’ll even try to hunt down some healthy food for you, if you’re still on your weird fitness plan. I’m sure we have a carrot or something in the fridge,” Even joked. Isak laughed and shook his head, following Even down the street towards his house, feeling his chest lighten a fraction more with every step he took away from his own home.  
 

“Pizza will be fine, I don’t want to break your tradition. But we’re not having mushrooms on it this time, mushrooms are disgusting,” said Isak, causing Even to throw his head back and groan dramatically.  
  


“Mushrooms are the most common pizza topping and you’re weird for not liking them,” Even grumbled. They’d bickered over the same thing so many times that it had become more of a habit to debate over it, rather than a real argument.  
  


“They’re _fungus_ , Even, who in the right mind eats fungus?” Isak argued, trying to hide his smile as Even rolled his eyes and sighed loudly.  
  


They usually compromised and got mushrooms and pepperoni, and Isak would pick off all of the mushrooms to hand to Even, whilst Even swapped his pepperoni onto Isak’s. The pizza would still taste like mushrooms and would make Isak grimace, but he didn’t mind too much, since it was Even’s favourite.  
 

“I am not having this argument with you again,” Even said exasperatedly, but Isak could see his mouth curling up at the corners. “Fine. No mushrooms, but I hope you know how wrong you are.”  
  


“I’m not wrong. I have literally never been wrong in my entire life,” said Isak, sticking his chin up in the air as Even barked out a laugh.  
 

“Yeah, whatever. Can I remind you that you believed if a goat and a horse had a baby, it would make a unicorn?” Even grinned, ducking out of the way as Isak swung to punch him in the arm.  
  


“Fuck you, I was _ten,_ and my dad made it sound feasible. Are you ever going to let me forget that?” Isak grumbled.  
 

Even just carried on grinning and shook his head, making his way up the steps to his house and pushing through the door. Isak was immediately surrounded by noise and warmth - Even’s house was always chaos, and with his younger sister, Marte, his step-father, and his mother being just as full of energy as Even was, there was never a dull moment. It always felt like home, cosy and special and full of love, and Isak felt much more comfortable at Even’s house than at his own.  
  


“Nope,” Even said proudly, kicking his shoes off and waiting for Isak to do the same. “As your best friend it’s my job to bring up embarrassing stories from your past.”  
  


Isak dumped his coat beside Even’s just in time to catch Even’s over excited five year old sister who had flung herself at Isak with a squeal, clutching onto his shirt and giggling into his neck. Isak laughed with her and hugged her close, laughing at Even when he protested grumpily that he should’ve gotten his hug first.  
  


“Hey kid, shouldn’t you be in bed?” Isak greeted Marte, before turning to smile smugly back at Even. “If we get to bring up embarrassing things about our pasts, does that mean I can talk about when you shaved your eyebrow off?”  
  


“I _sneezed_ , it was an accident,” Even whined, hiding his face in his hands as Isak and Marte sniggered and hi-fived one another. Even had tried to gel his hair flat to hide it from everyone, but when Isak had found out he’d laughed so hard he couldn’t breathe.  
  


“I just can’t believe we tried to draw it back on with permanent marker. Your mum was so mad at us,” laughed Isak. Even buried his laugh into Marte’s hair as he hugged her close once she had moved over to him, remembering the same memory as Isak. An almost painful wave of nostalgia suddenly washed over Isak, making something cold settle in his chest as his laughter  died out. He tried to shake it off quickly as he wished Marte goodnight before she stumbled her way up the stairs, humming to herself.  
  


Isak’s phone buzzed incessantly in his pocket and he fished it out to frown at the screen, his stomach dropping as he took in the string of incoherent messages that he should have grown used to by now, but they still made his heart ache. In between those messages were a few from his Father, asking him when he’d be home, but Isak quickly shut his phone off and stuffed it back in his pocket, trying to swallow the sharp lump in his throat.  
  


Someone reached out and gave Isak’s shoulder a squeeze, and Isak looked up to see Even already watching him. He had that wrinkle between his eyebrows that he always got whenever he was worried about something, but he was smiling at Isak softly.  
  


“I’ll order the pizza, you pick a movie, ok?” he said quietly. His hand was still on Isak’s shoulder and it was making Isak feel slightly more grounded; made him feel less like he was spinning out of control.  
 

Isak usually would have come back at Even with a joke about Even always wanting to choose which movie they watched, but instead he just nodded and offered Even a half-smile in return. Isak should have known that he didn’t have to say anything for Even to understand. It was as if Even could see right through him, see the storm of thoughts inside of him that made him feel like he didn’t fit in his own skin. Even made Isak feel settled, and as he and Isak bundled up on the sofa together, buried under a pile of blankets and surrounded by way too much food, Isak almost believed that everything would be okay eventually.  
  


Even and Isak had been best friends for a long time. Isak had joined an athletics club when he was nine as an excuse to get out of the house, and it turned out he had very little coordination for other sports. He hated tennis, was terrible at basketball, and though he was decent at football, he didn’t think much of it. So he spent his weekend mornings running and running until his legs were ready to give out, carrying on around the track laps after the others had given in. The club had been his place to escape, somewhere he could just forget for a while, and whilst most of the others used it to socialise and spend time with their friends, Isak barely spoke to anyone.  
Isak’s parents were always arguing, and whenever he was home it felt as though he was suffocating in the harsh words and weeks’ worth of unwashed pots and dirty clothes.  
  


Then one day, Even turned up, looking positively miserable as his dad led him through the gates and dropped him off with a wave and a sympathetic smile. Instead of joining any of the games or starting on the track like Isak had, Even found a corner far away from everyone and pulled a little green sketchbook out of his pocket, spending all of his time scribbling away with his ridiculously big headphones over his ears.  
  


It went on for weeks. Every time Even was dropped off, he’d make his way straight to the corner, pull out his sketchbook, and begin to draw. Their coach tried to persuade him to join all of the others a few times, but he would just shake his head before going back to avoiding everyone’s gaze. Isak would watch Even curiously, passing him on the track as he ran, and wonder who he was, what he was always scribbling in his sketchbook, and why he was even there.  
When summer came around again and Isak had celebrated his tenth birthday, more and more children began to join the club because of their parents wanting them out of the house during school holidays. A few boys joined who were loud and cruel. They’d often throw things at Isak to try and trip him, or call things out to the other kids whilst they played. Once the boys spotted Even, he became their regular target, and they’d call him names and throw the litter from their lunches over to where he was sitting  
  


When the coach had gone inside one day, as the summer was almost over and the days were getting colder, the boys took their opportunity and cornered Even. They made quick work of stealing his notebook from his hands before running across the yard, laughing loudly. Isak had moved to help, but realised he didn’t need to when Even got to his feet and ran so fast that the boys only managed to make it a few steps before Even had caught up to them, tackling one of them to the ground to snatch his notebook back.  
  


Even was held back to be told off for hurting the boy who had stolen his things, and Isak decided to wait behind for him, clutching onto the pencil that Even had left behind.  
 

When he handed the pencil back to him, Even had given Isak a shy smile and a mumbled thank you, and Isak had smiled back, watching as Even tucked the pencil behind his ear.  
  


“I’m Isak,” Isak said after a few moments of them stood opposite each other in silence. Even was rocking back and forth on his feet, his eyes fixed on the ground, but his head shot up and his grinned when Isak spoke.  
  


“I know,” he said simply, before quickly adding, “I’m Even. Do you want to walk home together?”

  
Isak had mouthed Even’s name under his breath before nodding to Even, smiling again. They walked side by side each other, making their way to the locker room to get their things, and Isak noticed that Even’s bag was covered in drawings - all cartoons scrawled onto the fabric with a sharpie.  
  


“What are you always drawing in your notebook?” asked Isak, gesturing to the little green notebook sticking out of Even’s pocket.  
  


“Things I like. Nice things I see, things I want to remember,” Even replied with a shrug. “I don’t know if I’m any good, but I like it.” Even immediately pulled the notebook out of his pocket and handed it to Isak without hesitation, and Isak stopped walking so he could take a look.  
  


He opened the sketchbook carefully, as though it were fragile, flicking his way through the worn pages and finding almost every page filled with a multitude of drawings and writing. There were song lyrics, cartoons, animals and flowers, and a boy wearing a snapback and stretching with his arms in the air that looked suspiciously like Isak. They were wonderful, and Isak felt like Even had let him see into his mind for a while - see the things he saw and how he saw them.  
  


“They’re brilliant. You’re a really good drawer,” said Isak, handing the notebook back to Even almost reluctantly.  
  


Even dropped his head and shrugged, and Isak could see the wide smile blooming across his face as he muttered a thanks.  
 

“You’re fast, too,” Isak commented as they walked across the yard together.  
  


Even shrugged again and kicked a stone along as they walked.  
  


“So are you, I’ve been watching you run every day,” Even said, and Isak felt his cheeks heat up a little. He’d been watching Even, slyly, out of the corner of his eye, curious about the new boy who seemed lost in his own world. He had no idea Even had been watching him right back.  
  


“Why don’t you start track too? You’d be a good sprinter, I’m sure you’d do great,” suggested Isak.  
  


Isak wasn’t entirely sure why he asked - he mostly liked being alone and he barely knew Even - but there was just something about Even that had drawn Isak to him.  


(When Isak had admitted that a few years later, Even had insisted it was fate, that they were destined to be best friends. Isak just argued that he was a good judge of character.)  
  


The next week, Even had fallen into step with Isak on the track and began running with him in companionable silence. After a few weeks, they would spend the first half of their mornings running, and the second half sat in the corner Even had sat alone before, sharing Isak’s headphones and talking about anything and everything. Isak had almost immediately felt at ease around Even - his smile was infectious and his stories were often far fetched and ridiculous, but always made Isak laugh. They never saw each other at school since there were two years between them, so they spent their time training together whenever they could.  
 

Eventually, Even would begin turning up at Isak’s door after school, promising all sorts of made up adventures. They quickly became inseparable, spending almost all of their time together, and Even easily moved up the ranks in the junior sprinting, just like Isak knew he would.

 

*

 

The day of Isak’s race came around quickly, and when he woke up on the morning of with bleary eyes and his stomach churning, he was almost sure it wouldn’t go well. His room was lined with trophies and medals from the past six years, and he remembered every single one of them so well. Isak’s favourite trophies were the ones lined up on his desk, in chronological order, from his very first race where he came in dead last, to his latest one that he’d won for the third year in a row. They weren’t ones he’d _officially_ won, but trophies that  Even had made for him.  
  


Isak competed in his first proper race when he was eleven after his coach had put him forward for it. Despite all of his training his nerves had gotten  the better of him and he lost miserably. Isak had been heartbroken, but as he trailed back to his locker, Even was already there waiting for him with his hands behind his back, grinning brightly.  
  


“You survived!” Even called as Isak got closer. He’d handed Isak a bottle of water before holding something else out to Isak proudly. Isak frowned down at it for a few moments before working out what it was.  
  


“You made this?” Isak asked, taking the small trophy from Even’s palm. It was made from tin foil, was a little lopsided, and had been squashed in Even’s hand, but Isak’s heart felt full of light as he smiled up at Even.  
  


“Yep. I wanted you to have something to remind you of this,” Even explained.  
  


“But I lost, just like I knew I would,” Isak muttered, looking down at his shoes.  
  


He wasn’t particularly competitive, it was just that running was the one thing he threw his whole self into. He worked so hard to be as good as he could, and when he did badly, it was the most painful sort of failure.  
  


“You’ve worked so hard for this, Isak, and your times were great. You should be proud of yourself,” Even said softly, wrapping his arm around Isak’s shoulders.  
 

Isak had held the makeshift trophy to his chest, and figured that if Even believed in him, he should start to believe himself a little more too.  
 

It quickly became tradition - whether Isak won or lost Even would be there waiting for him with his tin foil trophy and the brightest smile. Each wonky trophy Even made meant more to Isak than any of the actual awards he had won.  
 

Isak got ready and left the house alone. His parents hadn’t seen him race in years, and he didn’t bother to tell either of them that he was running anymore; he was used to not having them around. Usually, Even and Isak would have competitions on the same day, since they were both on track, but Even had pulled out of his for a doctor’s appointment, meaning he wouldn’t be there to greet Isak afterwards like he usually would. Isak tried to stomp down the stab of disappointment he felt; he knew it wasn’t Even’s fault, and Even had never missed one of Isak’s races before. But Even was the only one Isak had ever been able to rely on, and he couldn’t help but deflate a little when he realised Even wouldn’t be there to greet him at the end.  
  


Even had been seeing a few doctors lately. He’d told Isak it was because he wasn’t sleeping well, but Isak knew from the way he brought his shoulders up to his ears and pressed his mouth into a hard line when he spoke about it that it was more serious than that. Isak knew that Even’s grades were dropping at school, and he’d gotten in trouble a few times for misbehaving in class. Isak didn’t know what it meant, but the worry was weighing heavily on his chest, and he knew that Even was scared even though he’d never admit it. As Isak walked his way to the track, he stuffed his hands into his pockets and crossed his fingers, hoping that Even would finally get some answers.  
  


Just as Isak turned the last corner to the track, he heard footsteps pounding across the concrete towards him. Before he could turn to see who it was, someone collided into his back and sent him jolting forward.  
  


Once Isak found his footing, he spun around to see Even hunched over with his hands on his knees, gasping in breaths.  
 

“You need to work on your brakes, idiot,” Isak laughed.  
 

When Even straightened up, his chest was still heaving and his face was shiny with sweat, and Isak wondered how far he’d ran to be so exhausted.  
 

“Sorry, I thought I was going to be late,” wheezed Even, “running long distance is awful, why do you do this for fun?”  
 

“Where did you even _come from_? And aren’t you supposed to be at the doctor’s?” asked Isak. He was very aware of how close he was to being late, so he tugged on Even’s arm until he got the message and they set off walking towards the track.  
  


“That’s where I came from. I finished my appointment and ran straight here,” Even answered with a shrug. Isak footsteps faltered as he stared incredulously at Even, who was still desperately trying to get his breathing under control. The doctor’s was over twenty minutes away, and Even had run the entire way.  
 

“Why did you do that? I knew you couldn’t come, I didn’t mind,” muttered Isak. Even turned to raise an eyebrow at Isak, his mouth curling up into a smile.  
  


“Isak, I’ve never missed a single one of your races, and you’ve never missed one of mine. Remember when you were in hospital for the weekend with a stomach virus and you convinced your mum to let you out to come and watch me run?” asked Even, his smile growing wider as Isak laughed at the memory.  
  


“I was so sick of hospital food that I shared that hotdog with you after you won. That was a big mistake,” added Isak.  
  


Even threw his head back and laughed, eyes shining and hair plastered to his head from running.  
  


“You threw up _everywhere_ , they had to put you back on a drip when you went back to hospital,” Even chuckled. When their laughter had died down he turned to Isak to smile kindly at him.

“It’s been six years and we’ve never let each other down, I don’t plan to break that tradition now,” he added quietly.  
  


Isak returned Even’s smile, bumping their shoulders together before they headed off walking again, a little slower so that Even could catch his breath. Isak would have to rush his warm up a little, but he didn’t mind.  
  


“How did the doctor’s go?” asked Isak, and he didn’t miss the way Even’s face dropped a little before he turned away to avoid Isak’s gaze.  
 

“Fine,” Even replied shortly with a shrug of his shoulders.

   
Even usually told Isak everything without hesitation, but this was the one thing he tried to avoid. Isak knew it wasn’t personal, Even avoided talking about it with anyone - he’d pushed it away and ignored it for as long as he could because it was scaring him how little control he had over it. Isak knew that he’d been to see multiple doctors who all had different opinions, and on top of that his parents were watching him carefully all the time. Even’s parents were amazing and both cared deeply about him, but their worry weighed heavily on Even, which made everything feel so much worse.  
 

Isak didn’t push, just hummed in understanding and changed the subject, prompting Even to tell him more about a new band he’d discovered that Isak had never heard of. Isak had no right to be offended that Even didn’t want to talk to him about his problem. After all, Isak was keeping secrets too. The tension immediately passed, and Isak almost forgot how nervous he was about his race. Even was like that. He let Isak forget about reality for a little while, just by being there.

 

*

 

The race didn’t go as badly as Isak thought it would, and he finally crossed the finish line in third place with aching bones and his pulse throbbing through his head. His legs felt like they were going to give out, so he stumbled over to the grass next to the track and sat himself down with a groan, jumping a little when a foil blanket was wrapped around his shoulders.  
 

“You know these things don’t actually do anything, right?” Isak smiled up at Even who was stood over him, looking down and grinning.  
 

Even tutted and settled himself down beside Isak, clapping him on the shoulder and passing him his water bottle.  
 

“They stop your body heat from escaping too rapidly so you don’t get ill. You should know this, you’re the one who’s into science,” said Even, before holding out another wonky tin foil trophy.

“Well done, that was a tough one,” he added softly.  
 

Isak’s smile grew wider and he tapped his foot on top of Even’s as a silent thanks, settling the trophy on his knees and grinning at it.  
 

“Third place isn’t too bad,” said Isak. “It means I’ve done enough to move up a rank.”  
 

Even nodded excitedly before fishing something out of his pocket and looking down at it. He had a battered old stopwatch in his hand, a mechanical one that was attached to a neon green shoelace, and the back was covered in faded stickers.  
 

“Your final lap was thirty seconds quicker than your last race. That’s brilliant, Isak,” Even grinned, showing the face of the stopwatch to Isak.  
 

When Isak was eleven, and when both he and Even were getting a little more serious in their training, Isak had found an old stopwatch in an antiques store. He’d saved money for weeks to buy it for Even for Christmas, and he made sure to box it up carefully and tie it with a ribbon he’d taken from his mother’s decorations. Once Even had opened it up with cautious hands and a big grin, he’d immediately burst into a fit of laughter. Isak remembered being terrified that Even had thought his present was stupid, but it turned out to be the opposite - Even had bought Isak a stopwatch as his Christmas present too. Isak’s watch was digital and brightly coloured, because Even knew Isak was always losing things, and sometimes reading the time was difficult for him.  
 

Even though Isak’s watch had stopped working a few months ago, and the buttons of Even’s watch stuck and broke more often than they worked, both of them kept their stopwatches with them almost all the time, and it was still one of Isak’s most prized possessions.  
  


“That stopwatch is almost always wrong,” Isak muttered, rolling his eyes. Even gasped in mock offense and clutched his watch to his chest, scowling at Isak.  
 

“This stopwatch is a relic and I trust it completely,” he argued. Isak just laughed and raised an eyebrow, looking down at the weathered watch in Even’s hand.  
 

“Fine,” Even sighed, his mouth curling up into a smile, “I recorded your time on my phone too, just to make sure,” he admitted, making Isak laugh harder.  
 

Even eventually got up to convince Isak to cool down properly, and Isak complained and grumbled, but pulled himself upright anyway and stretched out his aching muscles. He stuffed his third place medal into the back of his locker once he’d changed, but kept a careful hold on Even’s tin foil trophy, planning to find it a place in his room. Isak’s chest was filled with a dull glow of pride that made his steps feel a little lighter as he walked his way home, and when Even grinned brightly at him and congratulated him once more before they parted ways, that glow got so much brighter.

 

*

 

Isak stumbled his way into school on Monday, fifteen minutes late and still half asleep. He’d managed to finally fall asleep in the early hours of the morning and had slept through his alarm, and so had to get ready and hurry to school as quickly as he could. He was pretty sure that his shirt was on inside out, and the jeans he had picked up were covered in mud.  
  


The whole class turned to stare at him as he walked through the door muttering apologies. He sighed gratefully as he saw Jonas had saved a seat for him, and was the only one looking at him and not scowling.  
 

Isak slumped down into his chair and tried to ignore the glares that were being sent his way, as Jonas nudged Isak’s foot in greeting and slid over his notes to Isak’s side. Isak mumbled a thank you to Jonas, trying to muster up the most genuine smile he could manage, even though he had a headache that made his skull feel like it was splitting.  
 

Jonas had went to the same athletics club as Isak and Even when they were kids, but Jonas was part of the football team, so he and Isak barely ever spoke. A few times, when Even had been ill and stayed home, Jonas had spotted Isak alone and had come over to speak to him, offering for Isak to join his team for the day, and Isak had always been grateful for it. When Isak started his new school and spotted Jonas at the back of the class, he’d been so relieved to see a familiar face and had immediately sat down in the space beside Jonas, offering him a shy smile which Jonas happily returned.

  
Isak liked Jonas. He was kind and funny and always interesting to talk to, and Jonas had made sure to introduce Isak to his other friends so that Isak never felt left out. Jonas was the only one that Isak had opened up to about what was going on at home, after a particularly bad night when Isak had gone out with Jonas and their other friends and had gotten far too drunk far too quickly. Jonas had found Isak crying outside in the cold when everything he’d been pushing away felt like it had crashed down on him all at once, and Isak was almost certain that Jonas would laugh at him or leave him behind. But Jonas just silently took a seat beside Isak, and shrugged his coat off to wrap around Isak’s shoulders. He let Isak pour his heart out about everything, and he listened without judgement, before promising Isak that he’d always be there for him.  
 

Isak owed Jonas a lot, and he wasn’t sure if he could ever repay him.

   
When their lunch break finally came around, Isak and Jonas headed off together to find their other friends, who had already claimed a table and were waiting for them. Magnus and Mahdi were Jonas’ friends first, but had quickly warmed to Isak, and though Magnus was sometimes a little too loud, and Mahdi slightly too reserved, Isak liked spending time with both of them.  
  


“Isak! Jonas!” yelled Magnus when he spotted the two boys making their way over. He jumped off his seat to pull both Isak and Jonas into a bone crushing hug, and over his shoulder Isak saw Mahdi wave to his friends, laughing fondly at Magnus’ exuberance.  
 

“How did your race go?” Mahdi asked once the boys had taken their seats again.  
 

As much as Isak’s school friends didn’t understand why he enjoyed running or why he competed, they tried their best to be supportive. They often turned up to Isak’s bigger races, and once had turned up with a bedsheet that they’d made into a flag by painting “RUN ISAK, RUN” across it in big blue letters. Even had been utterly delighted and had helped them hold the flag up as Isak crossed the finish line to them all cheering far too loudly.  
 

“Came third,” Isak said with a shrug, and tried to fight his grin when his friends began cheering and reaching out to high five him.  
  


“You missed an awesome party, though,” Magnus said with a frown, and both Jonas and Mahdi hummed in agreement.  
 

Isak stifled a sigh as he settled down and got ready to hear his friend’s retelling of their night out, which they would no doubt be exaggerating. He actually enjoyed going out with his friends when he could; they always had a good night where they all got too drunk and stopped caring about everything for a while. But Isak had missed so many nights out with his friends lately. He always had competitions to train for, or things to deal with at home, and he had no time for anything else. He always felt a little out of place when they laughed about memories he wasn’t part of, and told stories that barely made sense to Isak, before following it with “I guess you had to be there.”  
  


Isak listened, nodding and smiling in all the right places. He genuinely laughed at Magnus wildly waving his arms around as he told the story of how he ended up on the roof, and at Mahdi behind him shaking his head and insisting Magnus was lying. Isak’s phone began buzzing incessantly in his pocket, and he fished it out as Jonas and Mahdi argued over which one of them had won beer pong (Jonas insisted it was him, Mahdi insisted that Jonas cheated).  
 

It was four texts from Even in quick succession, and Isak snorted a laugh when he read them.

 

 **Even:**  
(12:37)  
Big race at the weekend  
I feel like you need some motivation  
So how about we place a bet?  
If I do better than you, you owe me 80kr

 

Isak was still smiling as he typed out a reply.

 

 **Isak:**  
(12:39)  
And what if I do better than you?

 

 **Even:**  
(12:39)  
You win my undying love and affection

 

Isak barked out another laugh and shook his head, typing a second reply.

 

 **Isak:**  
(12:40)  
????  
Even that’s not a fair bet  
I want 80kr

 

 **Even:**  
(12:41)  
Fuck you Isak my love is priceless

 

Isak was still laughing to himself when someone cleared their throat, and Isak looked up to see all of his friends were staring at him.  
  


“What?” he asked, frowning at all of his friends.  
 

Their faces slowly curled up into sly smiles, and it was ominous how alike they all looked as they did so.  
 

“Who are you texting?” Jonas questioned, raising an eyebrow.  
 

“You had the goofiest grin on your face,” added Mahdi.  
 

“Is it a girl?” asked Magnus, his grin positively gleeful.  
 

They all leaned over the table to get close to Isak, and Isak snorted a laugh before shaking his head.  
  


“Calm down guys, it was just Even,” he said, rolling his eyes.  
 

Their faces all cleared with understanding, before Magnus gasped and batted Jonas on the arm.  
 

“Dude! I heard you hooked up with Astrid on Saturday?” he demanded, and Jonas’ slow smile made both Mahdi and Magnus cheer and dive to high five him.  
  


Jonas launched into a dramatic story of a girl he’d been talking to for a few weeks and had finally hooked up with at the weekend. Mahdi and Magnus both hung onto every word and grinned and laughed along, but Isak just sighed and settled back in his chair, zoning out of the conversations. He’d heard it so many times from each of his friends, with a different girl’s name each time, and though they all seemed to find it endlessly interesting, Isak just didn’t understand.  
 

He’d come to terms with the fact he wasn’t interested in girls, at least not in the way his friends were. He didn’t understand what they were talking about when they fawned over girls at parties or at school - he could appreciate that they looked nice, but it didn’t make him _feel_ anything.  
 

Isak was fine with it, he wasn’t desperate for a girlfriend or even a hook up like his friends were, and it didn’t matter to him; he had enough to worry about as it was. What scared Isak was what people would think of him if he said those thoughts out loud. He played along with his friends most of the time, pointed out girls he thought were pretty and listened to their far fetched hook-up stories - even telling some of his own sometimes. He thought of telling his friends the truth, telling them he didn’t care about girls like they did, that their curves and soft edges made him feel nothing, and that kissing them made him feel uneasy. He knew they’d think he was strange, that something was wrong with him because he wasn’t like them, or like any other boy Isak knew, and he couldn’t bear to see his friend’s faces when he tried to tell them how he really felt.  
  


If he was honest with himself, he’d avoided nights out with his friends more lately because he hated who he had to be. He had to put on a pretense when he was with them, be careful that what he said and did fit in with them and what he thought he should be. It was exhausting, and made his head hurt and his stomach twist uncomfortably, and he wasn’t sure how to get around that feeling.  
 

If Isak was completely honest with himself (which he tried not to be), he knew exactly why he didn’t like girls the way his friends did, and why he avoided thinking about it too much. He could cope with the fact he wasn’t desperate to hook up with pretty first years like his friends, but there was something else to it that niggled at his thoughts, and whenever it rose up and began to whisper in his ear, it made his stomach churn.  
  


Jonas reached over to snap his fingers in front of Isak’s face, breaking him from his reverie.  
 

“You ready to go, man?” he asked softly, and only then did Isak realise that the cafeteria was almost empty, and Magnus and Mahdi had already left for class.  
 

Isak nodded and offered Jonas a wobbly smile, pushing the thoughts back down where they belonged as he trailed after Jonas out of the doors.

 

*

 

The week passed by quickly, and before Isak knew it, it was another weekend, and another competition was looming. Isak felt a little better about this one because he and Even had trained together a little more. Isak felt like he was never doing enough and Even humoured him, adding on an hour or two more onto their workouts even though Isak knew that Even was exhausted.

   
He never complained though. No matter how often Isak tried to tell Even he’d be okay training alone, Even would always insist on joining him, and though Isak couldn’t help the niggling guilt, he was also very grateful.  
 

Even was already waiting for Isak outside his house when Isak walked out of the door, clutching a flask full of coffee in one hand and a bottle of water in the other. Isak scowled as Even snorted a laugh - no matter how often he’d had to get up early for races, Isak would never be a morning person.  
 

“That’s not a healthy pre-race drink,” said Even, gesturing to the coffee flask in Isak’s hand. “Have you even eaten breakfast this morning?”

Isak tucked his water bottle under his arm so he could flip Even off, making sure to take a long sip of his coffee whilst keeping his eyes fixed on Even.  
 

Even just laughed louder as Isak fell into step beside him, before taking Isak’s coffee out of his hands to take a drink of his own.  
 

“Hypocrite,” muttered Isak, but he surrendered his coffee without argument.  
 

“I never claimed I was healthy either,” Even said, flashing Isak a grin.

“How about we go for breakfast and be unhealthy together?”  
 

“Have you forgotten we both have competitions today?” Isak asked, turning to stare incredulously at Even.  
 

“We have plenty of time, Isak. You can’t kick ass on an empty stomach,” Even insisted, and though Isak rolled his eyes, he couldn’t fight his smile.  
 

Isak was always nervous before races. The butterflies in his stomach were relentless, and he knew that when he got stressed, he got snappy and struggled to focus. Even knew that too, after so long of getting use to Isak and his ways, and seemed to always know the right thing to say or do.  
 

They ended up at the closest coffee shop, each with a big plate of breakfast and large mugs of coffee. Even shovelled down his food at the speed of light (Isak swore Even never did anything at half-measures - always at full speed and with all the energy he could muster), whilst Isak picked at his food carefully. Isak reached down and opened up his duffel bag, suddenly remembering that he had a gift for Even.  
 

When Isak handed over the small package, wrapped in ripped tissue paper, Even’s grin was blinding, and he tore it open carefully, as though it might break. Even though Isak had given Even gifts similar to this for years, Even still looked delighted every single time.  
 

It had come from Even complaining about his hair getting in his eyes when he was training, and no matter how much gel or spray he put in his hair, styling it up until it sat up in a wonky quiff on his head, it never stayed. One day just before a race, Isak pulled out one of his socks from his bag and handed it to Even, who stared at him quizzically.  
 

“Tie it around your head, like a bandanna,” Isak explained, but Even immediately made a face.  
 

“I don’t want to put your gross sweaty sock anywhere near my face,” he grumbled, taking the sock and pinching it between his thumb and forefinger.  
 

“It’s _clean,_ asshole. I’ll get you a proper headband for the next race,” promised Isak with a sigh, smiling triumphantly when Even tied the sock around his head.  
 

He’d looked ridiculous, but it had worked, and as promised, Isak bought Even a proper headband - a neon green one - for his next race.  
 

Even wore it for every race and every training session, and so Isak bought Even a few more, throwing them at Even when he met him in the locker room a few weeks later.  
 

“You need to switch them out, how gross is it if you always wear the same one without washing it? You're disgusting," Isak muttered. Even had stuck his tongue out at Isak, but swapped his headbands over anyway, and Isak didn’t miss his bright smile as he pulled a new band over his head.  
 

The first few headbands had been plain, but after a while, Isak began buying the most ridiculous headbands he could find.  
 

Even burst out laughing as he opened up the new headband, which was purple and covered in tiny pink flamingos.  
 

“Oh, I think this one’s my new favourite,” Even grinned, tying the bandana around his head.  
 

“You say that every time I get you a new one,” Isak pointed out.

 

“I didn’t when you got me that one covered in weird symbols we didn’t understand. I swear you cursed me in an ancient language or something,” said Even.  
 

Isak sniggered at the memory. Even had tripped over his shoelaces and came last for the first time ever when he’d worn that headband for a race, and Isak had immediately taken the headband off of his head and thrown it in the bin after.  
 

“Maybe this one will give you better luck,” Isak said, reaching over the table to tap at Even’s forehead.  
 

Even grinned and nodded, taking one last sip of his drink before getting out of his chair.  
 

“I feel luckier already,” he replied.

 

*

 

Even ran his race first, and came second. Both he and Isak were delighted, and Isak could see Even’s bright smile all the way from the stands. He hurried down to Even to congratulate him, and Even was practically vibrating with excitement when Isak reached him.  
  


“This one _was_ lucky!” Even laughed into Isak’s ear, pointing to the ridiculous headband on his head. He had sweat running down the sides of his face, but his smile was so wide that his eyes were crinkled up at the corners, and Isak grinned along with Even as he pulled him into a hug.  
 

Isak was still giddy from Even’s success when it came to his race, and his head felt so much clearer as he took his place. He loved the few moments in between everyone taking their places and the starting gun going off. It was like everything around him, all of the noise and the buzz of the crowd, turned into nothing but a low hum of white noise. His heart was loud in his ears, and all the muscles in his body felt like they were stretched thin with tension as he waited for his signal to go.  
 

The shot broke through the quiet, bringing back all of the noise of the crowd back with it, and Isak set off running, keeping his eyes focused on the path in front of him and trying to find his pace.  
 

Isak hadn’t even realised that he had won until he heard the announcement over the crackled speakers, and only just as it was sinking in, he was tackled into a hug by Even, who managed to knock them both down with the force of it. Even landed on top of Isak and knocked the wind out of him, but Isak couldn’t stop laughing, waving off Even’s breathless apologies as he rolled off of Isak to lay beside him. Isak stayed there for a while, trying to catch his breath with Even next to him as the other competitors all walked around them and made their way off the track. Isak felt light and filled with nothing but happiness, and he revelled in it. He hadn’t felt this happy in a long time, and even though it was just something simple and would surely pass in no time, it made him almost dizzy with joy.  
  


Even reached out and tangled his and Isak’s fingers together, giving Isak’s hand a squeeze. Isak turned his head to the side to find that Even was already looking at him, his mouth curled up into a lopsided smile. Even opened his mouth to say something, but just as he did, Jonas, Magnus, and Mahdi appeared from the stands and immediately dropped down like dead weights on top of Isak, cheering loudly. Isak laughed and let go of Even’s hand to sit himself up to greet his friends properly, complaining about how heavy they were. Magnus immediately pulled Isak into a bone crushing hug, Mahdi bumped his and Isak’s fists together with a grin, and Jonas ruffled Isak’s hair with a muttered “well done,” and Isak couldn’t stop smiling.  
 

Isak’s friends followed him and Even into the locker room once they’d gotten up to go and change. Isak had a medal around his neck and a tin foil trophy painted gold in his pocket, and Even was beside him with his own medal, still wearing his ridiculous bandana and the brightest grin.  
 

(Even had painted Isak’s trophy gold a week ago, insisting that he just _knew_ Isak would win this one. Isak told Even he was full of shit, but couldn’t stop smiling anyway.)  
 

“Are you coming out tonight, Isak? We can celebrate properly,” Mahdi asked. Isak smile faltered at that, and he pulled his shirt over his head to try and hide his grimace from his friends as they all began insisting he should join them at their friend’s house party.  
  


“I can’t, I’m sorry,” Isak lied, pulling a new shirt on to avoid his friend’s disappointed frowns. He cared a lot for his friends, but he didn’t care for the parties they went to where he always felt like the odd one out.  
 

All of his friends groaned in unison, and Isak could feel Even’s eyes burning holes into the side of his head as he watched Isak curiously.  
 

“Why not?” Magnus whined, and Isak wracked his brains to think of an excuse, panic rising up in his throat. Even knew he was lying, and Isak was terrified that Even would call him out on it.  
 

Of course, Isak should have known that Even would never do that.  
 

“I need him to come somewhere with me. I asked him for moral support at a family party so I don’t die of boredom. Sorry guys,” Even piped up, and Isak almost collapsed with relief as Even shot him a small smile.  
 

All of the boys bought it, and said their goodbyes to Isak and Even, congratulating them one more time before making their ways home, and Isak was immediately hit with a sharp sting of guilt. He flopped down onto the bench with a sigh, hiding his head in his hands, and he felt Even sit beside him, their shoulders bumping together as he shuffled closer.  
  


“Do you want to tell me why you’re avoiding your friends?” asked Even quietly.  
 

“I’m not avoiding them,” Isak mumbled into his hands.  
 

“Okay then. Do you want to tell me why you’re avoiding going out with your friends?” Even rephrased. He wasn’t pushing or demanding; his voice was almost cautious as he spoke, as if he was worried Isak would bolt if he asked a wrong question.  
 

Isak had been carrying around how he felt around his friends on his own for so long that it ached. He was so tired of keeping it to himself, along with everything else he had buzzing around his mind.  
  


“I just feel so-” Isak paused, trying to think of the right words.

   
He felt like there was something wrong with him, like he didn’t fit. Like his friends were completely different people to him, and when they worked that out, they’d leave him behind.

   
“Out of place,” he finished lamely with a sigh.  
  


“Your friends love you. You know that, right?” Even replied softly, tapping the top of Isak’s foot with his own.

 

Isak nodded and took his hands away from his face in favour of staring down at his lap. He’d never tried to explain himself out loud before, and he knew it would be even harder if he was looking at Even.

 

“I know, and they’re great. But every party they go to is all about which girls they’re gonna hook up with and which ones are the hottest, and it just makes me feel so wrong because I don’t feel that way.” It all came out in one long exhale, and he knew it barely made sense, but he hoped Even understood.

 

“Wrong because you don’t like girls like that?” Even asked slowly.  
  


Isak nodded once, and Even hummed in understanding, before wrapping his arm around Isak’s shoulders.  
  


“Isak, that doesn’t make you wrong, just a little different. And that’s not a bad thing,” said Even. Isak didn’t realise he was shaking until Even put his free hand across Isak’s hands to steady them.  
 

“What if they think it’s weird?” Isak’s voice sounded tiny, and he hated how small he sounded, how small he felt  
 

“They won’t. They’re your friends and it’s their job to love you no matter what. If they don’t like you just because you don’t like girls, then they’re not really your friends,” Even insisted, before leaning in a little closer, trying to catch Isak’s eyes.  
 

“But you _know_ them, you know they’d be okay with this,” he added.  
 

Isak shrugged and ducked his head, but he knew Even was right. Isak was friends with them because they were good people. He knew they’d defend him no matter what, just like he would do the same for them.  
 

There was that something else though, that something niggling at Isak’s thoughts - a question demanding to be answered. He’d ignored it as much as he could because he was scared, because it seemed like too much, as if when he thought about it properly there’d be no turning back. But he was tired of ignoring it, sick of feeling so lonely in his own mind.

   
“I think I might be-” Isak paused and took another deep, wobbling breath. Even stayed quiet and waited.

“I mean, I think I might like boys instead. Maybe,” Isak’s voice was so quiet that he worried that Even might not have heard him. He wasn’t sure he could say it for a second time.  
  


Even said nothing for a few moments, and Isak’s stomach was twisting itself up in knots. He knew he could trust Even, but for a few terrifying moments, that small voice of doubt in his head became so much louder.  
 

Then, Even turned towards Isak, who kept his eyes fixed on his shoes. Even leant forward so that his forehead was pressed against Isak’s temple, his nose bumping into Isak’s cheek.  
 

“I’m so proud of you, Isak,” Even whispered. Isak shut his eyes tight to try and stop the ridiculous tears threatening to spill as he snorted out a laugh.  
 

“Why? I haven’t done anything,” Isak replied, annoyed at the way his voice broke in the middle of the sentence. He was just sick of bottling himself up and feeling like he was hiding something - it shouldn’t be that big of a deal, but it felt huge.  
 

“For talking about it, for trusting me,” Even said with a shrug, leaning back. “It’s a big thing, especially when you don’t know how people are going to react.”  
 

It was strange, how Isak was still surprised by how well Even seemed to understand Isak, even when Isak wasn’t actually sure how he felt himself.  
 

“I don’t want it to be a big deal,” Isak mumbled. He didn’t want it to define him, didn’t want people to think of him differently when he told them. He could barely get his own head around it, so he didn’t know how others were meant to.  
 

“It doesn’t have to be. You can tell whoever you like, or we can keep it between me and you,” Even assured. Isak looked over to him to see his face curl up into a smile.  
 

“You know that I like boys too, right?” Even added, and Isak couldn’t help but blanch a little.  
  


“You’re _gay_?” Isak’s voice was a little too sharp, and he regretted it immediately when he saw how Even winced.  
 

“No, I’m not. I like girls too.” Even suddenly went from being all smiles to looking almost wary as he spoke. His eyes were flitting from Isak and then back to the floor, and he was twiddling his fingers.  
 

“I mean, I don’t know what to call myself yet, I guess. But I know that I don’t _just_ like girls,” he added.  
 

Isak hated how nervous Even looked, especially after Even had been so kind to him. Isak leaned into Even’s side heavily, just to let him know he was there, and he heard Even let out a small sigh of relief.  
 

“I’m proud of you, too,” said Isak quietly.  
 

They sat together quietly for a while, and Isak marvelled at how easy it had been to talk about something that he’d been so scared of for so long. The world hadn’t crumbled; it was still turning quietly round, and Isak’s heart felt just a little bit lighter.  
 

Even eventually got up off of his seat, flashing a grin to Isak before pulling his bag over his shoulder, and Isak eventually followed suit.  
 

“By the way, my excuse to the boys wasn’t a lie. It’s my auntie’s birthday next weekend and I need you there so it’s at least bearable,” Even said as they made their ways out of the doors.  
 

Isak laughed and shook his head.  
 

“That’s okay, your family loves me more than they love you anyway,” Isak joked, making Even throw his head back and laugh loudly. Isak may have been imagining it, but they both seemed to be standing slightly taller, their voices less reserved.  
 

“I would argue, but my grandma told me how much she missed you when she came round on Wednesday,” said Even, still laughing.  
 

Isak laughed with him, putting his hand into his pocket and curling his fingers around the hand-made trophy in his pocket. Today felt like a victory in more ways than one.  


*

  
Isak hated being home. He tried to stay away as much as possible, either training or at Even’s or even lazing around Jonas’ house after school. Whenever he went home a cold sort of tension filled the air that made it too difficult to breathe.  
 

His mum was ill, and had been for a while. Isak didn’t know quite when it started, or what _it_ even was, but he knew that she was so sad and so tired, and if she wasn’t tired, she was terrified.  
 

Of what, Isak didn’t know. It was like she could see something no one else could; the fear racked through her in shivers, and there was nothing Isak could do to help her. Isak had tried to understand, but his father had always shook it off as nothing, and it was clear that his mother didn’t even understand herself.  
 

The sadness weighed down heavily on Isak. There was nothing he could do to help, and he couldn’t ignore it in the way his father was, so he was stuck watching his mother get worse and worse every day, and it was unbearable.  
 

So he stayed away. It was a cowardly thing to do, but he didn’t know how else to cope. He tried to convince himself that it would get better, that one day he’d come home and things would be back to normal, but he knew in reality that would never happen.  
 

Isak laid on his bed with his headphones on as loud as they could go and his arm slung over his eyes. His dad had left a few hours ago, slamming the door so hard that the walls shook, and left Isak’s mother crying alone in her room. Isak had sat with her for a while, his arm around her shoulders as she sobbed and sobbed until she finally fell asleep.  
 

Isak’s phone buzzed beside him, and he lit up the screen to see Even’s name across it.

 

 **Even:**  
(03:06)  
Did you know that cherophobia is the fear of fun?  
I think you might be suffering from that  
And that it’s impossible to snore and dream at the same time?  
Which means you must never dream because you snore terribly

 

Despite himself, Isak huffed a laugh.

 

 **Isak:**  
(03:08)  
Did you just google random facts so that you could make fun of me?

  
  


**Even:**  
(03:08)  
Absolutely  
There’s some other great ones too  
Like, a male giraffe will continuously headbutt a female in the bladder until she pees. Then he tastes the pee to decide whether to mate with her or not

 

 **Isak:**  
(03:10)  
That’s not great  
That’s disgusting

 

Isak could imagine Even’s gleeful smile as he typed his messages to Isak. It almost made Isak forget about how sad he was.

 

 **Even:**  
(03:11)  
Its hilarious!  
Can you imagine if people did that?

 

 **Isak:**  
(03:11)  
I don’t think I want to

 

 **Even:**  
(03:12)  
Okay here’s another  
Sleep deprivation will kill you quicker than food deprivation  
Meaning, you really need to sleep a lot more. I’d be lonely if you died

 

 **Isak:**  
(03:13)  
Yeah, since no one else would put up with your shit  
Why are you awake anyway?

 

 **Even:**  
(03:14)  
Needed to pee. A giraffe was headbutting me

What’s your excuse?

 

Isak couldn’t tell Even. He didn’t even know _how_ to tell him, how he would say it out loud. The only time he had was to Jonas when he was drunk, and even then it was mostly incoherent ramblings. Even had enough to deal with, without piling any more on him, and it’s not like Even could help anyway. Isak was just fine keeping it to himself, even if he had to lie.

 

 **Isak:**  
(03:15)  
An idiot woke me up with dumb facts

 

 **Even:**  
(03:16)  
I’m hilarious and you know it  
Goodnight Isak

 

Isak said his goodnights to Even before settling himself against the back of his bed, ready for another sleepless night.

  


*

 

Even had been avoiding Isak, and Isak knew it. Usually they’d train together every night after school, running down to the track to do drills with each other until they were both exhausted, before heading back to Even’s house to eat. Isak would always pick Even up from his house - it was never discussed or planned, but Even would always be waiting for him at his front door with a bright grin and his stopwatch tied around his neck.  
  


When Isak went to Even’s house on Monday night, Even wasn’t waiting for him like he normally was. Isak had to knock on the door and was instead greeted by Even’s mother, who gave Isak a sad smile before telling Isak that Even wouldn’t be joining him.  
 

“He’s not well, so he can’t come running with you. I’m sorry, Isak,” she hung her head as she spoke, almost as if she felt guilty.  
 

Isak shrugged it off and offered to go and keep Even company, but his mother insisted that Even should be left alone to get better.  
 

There’d been plenty of times Isak had spent days in Even’s room with him whilst he was ill; even when Even was too weak to move or speak, Isak would be there. He’d sit at the end of Even’s bed and play video games, or tell him stories about his day, or just be there to cheer him up a little. Even’s mother had never said he was too ill for Isak to not even be allowed to see him, and it made Isak’s chest feel heavy with worry.  
 

Isak had tried texting Even through the night, and carried on sending him messages through the next morning, but not once had Even replied. Usually they spent most of the day messaging each other, just ridiculous anecdotes from each other’s days, or even just messages asking how they both were, and Isak missed Even terribly even though it had just been a day. When Isak’s phone buzzed in his pocket, he almost dropped it in his rush to get it out. Something fluttered in his stomach at the sight of Even’s name on his screen, but it was immediately squashed back down when he read the message.

 

 **Even:**  
(14:12)  
Can’t come tonight. Sorry

 

Isak tried to ignore the anxiety curling up his throat and the whispering thoughts in the back of his mind telling him that Even had finally gotten sick of him. Even was still ill, like his mother had said, and Isak would see him soon enough.  
  


It had only been a day, but it felt like it had been far too long already.

 

*

 

Nine days passed, and Isak had heard nothing from Even. He ran alone every night, running until his lungs felt as though they were going to collapse, so that the moment he got home, he could drop onto his bed and go to sleep. Being in his own house made him feel claustrophobic and even more lonely than he was when he was actually alone. Usually, he’d go to Even’s for some respite, which was why his absence was so sorely felt.  
  


Isak was sleeping even less than before, and he was sick of spending nights sat alone and feeling restless and wrong, so at five in the morning, when the sky was pale and frost covered the ground, Isak pulled his clothes on and made his way outside. The cold air hit him like a punch, but Isak almost appreciated it - so many sleepless nights had left him feeling stale, and it was nice to be able to breathe a little easier again.  
 

Isak walked out of his street and immediately pulled out his phone to call Even. He hadn’t contacted him since the curt text Even had sent last week, mostly because couldn’t handle it if Even rejected him again. Even had been Isak’s best friend for so long, had been such a big part of his life, that Isak couldn’t imagine what it would be like without him. He understood some people grew apart, but Isak had been sure it would never happen to him and Even, because Even meant too much to him.  
 

Isak was starting to wonder if Even didn’t feel the same way.  
 

Isak was sick of being left in the dark. If Even didn’t want to be friends with Isak anymore, Isak would understand, but he just _had_ to know either way, because it was driving him crazy.  
 

Even answered the phone on the third ring, and it caught Isak off guard.  
 

“Hi,” Even croaked. His voice was quiet and dull, and despite himself, Isak was immediately worried.  
 

“Are you okay?” asked Isak. Without thinking, he’d made his way to Even’s house, and was stood outside looking up at Even’s bedroom window. Isak could see the light glowing through the curtains, and a shadow of a person behind them.

   
Even sighed down the phone, but otherwise stayed quiet, and there was a long, static filled silence between the two boys for a while. Isak hated it - he and Even had never ran out of things to say to one another.  
 

“I miss you,” Isak whispered down the phone, breaking the silence. His voice wobbled and he coughed wetly, trying to get rid of the lump in his throat.  
 

It stayed quiet for so long that Isak wondered if Even had fallen asleep, but eventually he spoke again, his voice still so quiet that Isak almost couldn’t hear him.

   
“I miss you too,” he mumbled, and Isak could hear his shaky breath down the line.  
 

“Will you come see me? I’m standing outside your house,” Isak didn’t want to do this over the phone, he wanted to be able to see and hear his best friend properly again, and a crackly phone call just didn't cut it.  
 

There was a few moments of silence once more, until Even muttered an “okay,” before hanging up and leaving Isak stood in the cold with his fingers crossed behind his back, waiting for the front door to open.  
 

Luckily, it did. Even shuffled out, wearing so many layers that Isak could barely see his face, and as he came closer to Isak, the first thing Isak noticed was how pale he was. He had dark circles around his eyes, and he looked so exhausted that every movement seemed to take such an effort as he came to a stop in front of Isak, his mouth turned down into a frown.  
  


Isak didn’t think twice before taking a step forward and pulling Even into a tight hug, shutting his eyes and breathing in deeply, trying to swallow down the tears that were threatening to spill.  
  


After a couple of seconds of standing rigid, Even slowly lifted his arms up and curled them around Isak, and the sigh of relief he let out tickled across Isak’s cheek as they hugged.

Isak was so relieved for a few moments as Even muttered an apologies into his ear, but the worry came flooding back as soon as he remembered that after this, everything might change, and Isak would have to get used to Even not being in his life anymore.  
  


They ended up sat on the wall outside of Even’s house, and Isak took a good look at Even for the first time in over a week. He was hunched over, his shoulders up to his ears and his body curled in on itself, and he avoided Isak’s gaze as he stared down at his feet and wrung his hands together nervously. His lips were chapped and his mouth was still turned down at the corners, and the only way Isak could think to describe Even was dull. It was never a word that Isak would use to describe Even, who was always full of energy and light, but it was as if all of that light had been taken from him, and his sadness was almost tangible.

   
“Why have you been avoiding me?” asked Isak, and he didn’t miss the way that Even shrunk down a little at the question.  
 

There was a pause. A deep breath that Even seemed to hold for far too long before letting it out shakily and speaking on the exhale.  
 

“I didn’t know what to say.”

   
“You can say anything. You know I’d listen,” Insisted Isak. There was too much space between them, and Isak hated it.  
 

“You know I’ve been seeing a lot of doctors lately?” Even asked. Every word seemed to be a battle to him, like he had to force each one out.  
 

Isak nodded but didn’t say a word, just shuffled a little closer to Even, closing the space.  
 

“They said I’m bipolar. I’ve been seeing a therapist, and they want to talk about _medication_ and it’s just -” Even shut his eyes, and Isak could see his whole body shaking.

“I’m scared,” he finished quietly.

   
Isak didn’t know how long Even had been keeping this to himself, how long Isak hadn’t known about it and let Even be alone, but he hated the thought. Even if it had only been a day, it would be a day too long.  
 

“But they can help you, you were so sick of being left in the dark and now you have an answer. Isn’t that good?” asked Isak carefully. He felt as though he were walking across a minefield, like one wrong step would make Even withdraw again.

   
“It’ll never go away, though. I feel like I’ve lost all control, like all of these people are talking about me like I’m a science experiment and I’m stuck in my own head. It’s like I’m not me anymore, I’m just this stupid illness and nothing else,” Even’s voice was cracking and breaking, and Isak had never seen him so sad.

   
“I was afraid to tell you because I didn’t know what you’d think of me once you knew,” he added quietly.  
 

Isak didn’t know what it meant to be bipolar, what Even felt and what he had to go through, but he knew it was hurting Even, and it made Isak’s heart ache.

   
“You’re still you. You’re smart and you’re funny and ridiculous. You have horrible taste in music but you’re a good cook and an amazing artist. You care so much about everyone, Even. Whatever this is, it doesn’t make you any less of a person. I’m not a doctor, but I can promise you that,” Isak said, nodding to himself.  
 

Even’s mouth twitched a little at the corners and he met Isak’s eyes for a moment, and Isak took it as a small victory.  
 

“How can you promise that?” Even asked quietly.  
 

“Because I’m looking at you. And all I see is you, nothing else. You’re bipolar. That doesn’t make you wrong, just a little different. And that’s not a bad thing, ” Isak said confidently, repeating what Even had told him almost a month ago when Isak had come out to him.  
 

Isak linked his foot around Even’s ankle and bumped their shoulders together, and finally Even looked up to Isak and kept his gaze, eyes watery and hair falling into his face.  
 

“You don’t have to deal with this alone. You have so many people that love you, and we’re all here to make sure you know just how great you are every day. Just please don’t shut us out, okay?” Isak understood that Even often felt like he had to fight his battles alone, like he didn’t want to burden others with his own problems.

   
Isak hoped that one day Even would understand that Isak _wanted_ to help Even fight his problems, no matter what they were.  
 

Even nodded and began swinging his and Isak’s legs together slowly.  
 

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled.  
 

Isak shook it off. He didn’t need apologies, he just had his best friend back, and that was more than enough.

 

*

 

Isak finally agreed to go to a house party his friends had invited him to, much to their delight, and for once, Isak was feeling okay about it. Part of the reason was because they’d invited Even too, and sometimes when things got overwhelming and everything got a little too loud, Even was the best person to have by his side - a solid, familiar presence that made him feel less out of place.  
  


They’d all drank a fair amount before they got there, and the second they entered the house, Jonas, Mahdi, and Magnus disappeared into the crowd, cheering and waving over the music.

   
“So, see any hot guys you like?” Even muttered slyly into Isak’s ear, and Isak immediately spun around to bat Even over the head.  
 

“Shut the fuck up, oh my god,” Isak laughed, rolling his eyes. It felt so easy to make jokes about it with Even, easier than Isak could have imagined. He wondered if one day it would be just as easy with his other friends.  
 

Even laughed with him, before leading them both to the kitchen where it was quieter. Part of the reason Isak hated parties was because of all of the people, and how he always managed to be sandwiched between sweaty bodies. Isak was grateful that Even had found somewhere with more space.  
  


Even immediately began fishing through his pockets for something, and when he found it, he handed it over to Isak proudly.  
 

“I got you a present, for winning the last race of this season,” said Even.

   
“Even, I didn’t win, I came second,” Isak pointed out with a grin, but took the small package from Even’s hands anyway.

   
“They were wrong, you beat that guy by miles. It was fixed, I’m sure,” Even insisted. Isak just rolled his eyes and began ripping open the package.  
  


It was socks. Specifically, socks covered with stripes of each colour of the rainbow - the colours of the pride flag. Isak stared at them for a few seconds, before he burst out laughing.  
 

“You don’t like them?” asked Even, watching Isak curiously.

   
Isak just rolled his eyes and pulled out a package of his own from his hoodie pocket, handing it to Even with a grin.  
 

It was in the same wrapping Isak always gave Even when he bought him a new headband, but this one was a little more special. It had taken a lot of late night internet searches, a few slightly suspicious websites, and Isak eventually ordering it from America, but he had been so triumphant when he’d found it.  
 

A few weeks ago, Even had told Isak that he decided he was pansexual. He’d pointed proudly to the pin on his chest, a small flag that was pink, yellow, and blue, and told Isak he thought it was what described him best. Even often felt out of control since his diagnosis with bipolar, and Isak knew that Even buying that pin for himself and telling Isak how he felt was so much more than just giving himself a label. It was something he had control over, something he’d picked himself and felt settled with, and Isak had been so happy for him.  
 

Isak understood, too, he’d started calling himself gay more often, and though the word was a little thick and bitter in his mouth, it felt like a little puzzle piece of himself had put itself in the right place.  
 

The bandana Isak had gotten Even this time was pink, yellow, and blue. It was bright in colour, and when Even saw it, he audibly gasped.

   
Even immediately tied the bandana around his head, grinning so wide that his eyes crinkled at the corners. Both of their smiles were a little watery, and Isak had to choke back a few tears as he held the ridiculous rainbow socks to his chest.  
 

“Are you crying?” asked Even, sounding positively delighted.  
 

Isak rolled his eyes and sniffed.

   
“Of course not, I just had something in my eye,” he insisted, even though he knew he was fooling no one.  
 

Even just laughed and shook his head, before turning to the counter behind him to grab both of them a drink. They clinked their beer cans together with matching grins, and both settled in beside each other, Isak putting the socks into his pocket for safekeeping.  
 

It didn’t solve anything, really. Isak’s mind was still full of worry and anxiety still spiked in his gut when he thought of everything that was wrong. But in that moment, just for a while, Isak felt like he’d found his place in the world.


	2. Loving never gave me a home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isak wanted Even to be happy, it was as simple as that. He hated change, especially with everything else he knew falling down around him. Change was a threat. But if that change made the people he cared about most happy, he could get used to it.
> 
> “I’m happy for you,” Isak said softly, and he meant it.
> 
> Even’s answering grin was so bright that it almost made Isak forget the nauseous feeling still stirring in his gut.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This part covers mental health issues in detail, especially Isak and his mother's. Please make sure you're in the right headspace to read this if you choose to, and take care of yourself.
> 
> Huge thanks again to [Sarah](http://canonicallyanxious.tumblr.com/) for beta'ing this for me. You are the best, and your comments on docs make my day every time. <3
> 
> (Chapter title is from Marshmello ft. Khalid - Silence. Tumblr post for this chapter is [here](http://call-this-a-mask.tumblr.com/post/167287024290/next-to-you-is-where-i-call-home-chapter-2))
> 
> Enjoy!!

*

Isak had spent all winter complaining about the dark nights and being out training when it was so cold he could see his breath, but now that it had made its way round to summer, he almost wished the bad weather was back.

 

He and Even had upped their game, trying to get ready for the upcoming weeks. He had three weekends full of competitions coming up, and so had to be as prepared as he could be. It was just a shame that just as things were getting more difficult, the weather was getting hotter along with it.

 

“Why didn’t we pick a fucking indoor sport, like swimming or something?” Isak whined. He was sprawled out on the track after an afternoon of training, sticky with sweat and the sun burning his skin.

 

“Because you’re scared of water,” Even replied. He was lying by Isak’s feet, chest heaving and face red.

 

“I’m not scared of water!” Isak protested, taking the water bottle Even rolled over to him gratefully. He placed it across his forehead and sighed happily at the way it cooled his face.

 

Even just laughed, but his laugh quickly turned into a groan as he tried to haul himself upright, shielding his eyes from the sun.

 

“Fuck, it’s so warm. Can we go home now?” Even asked. Usually, Isak would suggest they worked a little more, but his head was throbbing and he could barely catch his breath in the thick heat that surrounded them. He nodded, and Even gave a weak cheer before offering Isak a hand up.

 

They wandered home, dragging their feet. The long, warm days of school and training, and then everything at home was weighing down on Isak. It made his bones feel heavy and even things he used to find easy seemed almost impossible now.

 

“Shall I come round to yours? I want to watch you fail miserably at Mario Kart again,” Even said, turning to grin at Isak.

 

Isak stomach dropped, and he ducked his head. Even hadn’t been round his house for weeks. Usually it was okay, they preferred to be around Even’s anyway - his mum always cooked better food and Marte liked their company. But whenever Even asked to come around Isak’s, Isak always brushed Even off with some sort of excuse.

 

“Uh, mum is…she’s not well. Flu, or something. Dad doesn’t want anyone in the house until she’s better,” Isak mumbled.

 

He could feel Even watching him carefully, and Isak couldn’t work out whether he believed him or not.

 

Even didn’t say a word, just shrugged and flashed another grin at Isak, saying goodbye to him when they parted ways.

 

Isak’s walked into his house and was immediately met with the same cold silence he’d gotten so used to recently. It had been a month since Isak’s dad had walked out on him and his mother late one night, and Isak hadn’t seen him since.

 

It wasn’t like it made much of a difference - Isak’s father had barely been home before he moved out for good anyway. He’d been disappearing for days at a time, leaving Isak alone to take care of his mother on some of the worst nights, and Isak had been almost relieved when he finally left and didn’t come back.

 

The relief didn’t last long though. The house was a mess; there was a pile of dishes lying in the sink, and clothes were scattered across the floor. Isak just hadn’t had time to keep on top of it, with school and training and then taking care of his mother - things had just kept building up on him, and he couldn’t move fast enough to keep up. He was trying his best, but he knew it wasn’t enough. He was a terrible cook and always left the house a mess in favour of training or seeing his friends, but those were the only two things stopping him from reaching his breaking point.

 

The only contact Isak had from his father now was the allowance he put into Isak’s bank account. Once a week, a simple message of _“I hope everything’s ok. Dad x”_ , came every time the money was transferred. Isak hated that he still needed his father’s help and couldn’t just cut him out completely, but the money was the only way he could afford food.

 

His mother was sat at the kitchen table when he walked in, hunched over with her elbows on the table top and her head in her hands. She didn’t raise her head as Isak walked into the kitchen and greeted her, didn’t move as he shuffled around the kitchen making food for them both, and didn’t respond to any of the overly-cheery small talk Isak tried to make.

 

Sometimes, his mother was so full of feelings that they burned up inside of her and spilled over into rage and sadness and a visceral sort of fear. Other times, it was like she was completely void of anything, like she was just a shell. She would look at Isak but see right through him, her eyes glazed over and movements stilted and slow. Isak wasn’t sure which he preferred, which hurt least, but he knew that neither of them were anything like the kind, caring mother he remembered.

 

Isak put his mother’s plate down in front of her, the clatter of the cutlery too loud for the quiet of the room. Isak sat opposite her, eating his food slowly; most of it was burnt and tasteless, and Isak grimaced and muttered an apology as he ate. His mother lifted her eyes and stared down at the food in front of her, before pushing her chair back, scratching it across the linoleum. She got up and shuffled her way out of the room, leaving her food untouched and a painful silence behind her.

 

*

 

Luck seemed to be on Isak and Even’s side on competition day, because even though it was still far too hot, as they made their way towards the track it began pouring down with rain. Both of them cheered and Even threw his hands in the air, tilting his head back as he grinned up at the sky. His hair was already plastered to his face after just a few moments, and droplets of rain were clinging to his eyelashes and running down his cheeks.

 

“This is a good sign. We’re both gonna win today,” Even announced.

 

Isak held his hands out in front of him and curled them up, watching the rain pool up in his palms.

 

“There’s no such thing as signs, it’s just rain. Whether we win or not is all about if we get to the end first,” Isak replied.

 

Even sighed and stepped closer to Isak before shaking his head like a dog, spraying water at Isak from his hair. Isak grimaced and shoved Even away, trying to stifle his laughter as he did.

 

“Don’t be such a killjoy, Isak,” said Even with a grin. “Today is going to be a good day, I know it.”

 

*

 

Even came first in his race, and Isak could see his beaming grin all the way from where he was watching. He hurried over to Even the second he crossed the finish line, and despite the fact Even was soaked through with rain and sweat, Isak dragged him into a hug.

 

“I told you!” Even shouted into his ear as he hugged him back tightly. “Today is a good day.”

 

They laughed together, swaying on the spot as the rain carried on falling, and with the noise of the crowd around them and Even’s laughter echoing in Isak’s head, Isak had to agree.

 

*

 

Isak’s race had taken a lot of fighting. He’d been stuck in fourth for most of it, and exhaustion was already hitting him hard by the halfway point. His legs were burning, his bones felt like they were rattling every time his feet hit the floor, and his lungs felt like they could never get in enough air. It hurt all over, and the heat was suffocating too, the rain not heavy enough to help anymore. Isak wanted Even to be right, wanted this to be a good day where they both won - everything else in Isak’s life felt out of control, felt impossible, but this was something he could do, something he was good at, and he wanted to prove it.

 

So Isak closed his eyes tight, took a deep breath, and pushed himself faster, trying to ignore the pain that was throbbing through him. The moment he passed the finish line he dropped to his knees and fell onto his back, his chest heaving and his heart beating so hard it felt as though it was rattling against his ribs. Isak threw his arm over his eyes to block out the sun, and groaned when he felt someone prod him in the stomach.

 

“Leave me alone to die,” he whined, but moved his arm to squint up at Even, who was on his knees beside Isak and grinning down at him.

 

“You can’t die, you have a medal to collect,” said Even, reaching down to push Isak’s hair out of his face before handing him a bottle of water.

 

Isak just groaned again.

 

“Where did I place?” he asked, suddenly realising he had no idea. He’d kept his head down for the final few laps and had just ran till he reached the end, so wasn’t entirely sure how well he’d done.

 

“You won. I have no idea how you managed it, but you got in front on the very last lap,” Even said, delighted. He reached into his pocket to fish out Isak’s tin foil trophy - painted blue, this time - and he placed it onto Isak’s chest.

 

Isak let out a disbelieving laugh, staring at the trophy.

 

“Are you kidding?” he squeaked. He knew he probably had gotten further than fourth, but didn’t think he’d managed to _win._

 

“Isak, you were amazing. You were like batman or some shit,” replied Even, sitting down beside Isak and crossing his legs. People were walking around them and leaving the track, giving them both strange looks as they passed, but Isak was too exhausted to care.

 

“Batman is a shitty superhero, he’s just a rich dude with a grudge. Couldn’t you have compared me to Spider Man instead?” Isak grumbled, but he was grinning just as much as Even.

 

“You’re not nearly cool enough to be Spider Man,” Even joked, and earned a punch in the leg from Isak who tried, and failed, not to laugh along with his friend.

 

The rain had settled down to a drizzle, but Isak and Even were already soaked through, their clothes sticking to their skin and hair plastered to their foreheads. Even’s headband that day was covered in neon green cartoon aliens, and though most of it was hidden behind his hair, it still stood out from his pale skin where it could be seen. Isak had seen it at a market one evening on his way home from school, and had bought it without thinking. Isak spent so much time rambling to Even about life on other planets and the existence of aliens that he just knew Even would understand the joke.

 

Even had loved it, and declared it one of the best headbands he’d ever gotten, but still not his favourite. His favourite remained the headband Isak had gotten him in the winter, the one that was the same colours as the pan flag. Though Even had worn it so much it had become frayed and torn at the edges, he still kept it with him by having it tied firmly around his wrist, even when he wasn’t racing. Isak had offered to just buy a new one to replace it, but Even insisted that he hold on to the one he had, that a new one wouldn’t be the same. Isak had told him he was ridiculous, but regardless, Even’s words had glowed warmly in his chest.

 

“My medal’s bigger than yours,” Even declared as they walked home.

 

They’d gotten changed out of their sodden clothes, and once the rain had cleared, they made their way back home, shining gold medals hanging around both of their necks.

 

“They’re the same size, Even,” Isak snorted, rolling his eyes. Even turned to face Isak and stopped in front of him, pulling the medal around Isak’s neck closer to him so he could hold his own and Isak’s medals against each other.

 

“See, mine’s much bigger,” Even insisted, even though they both knew they were the same size. Both Isak and Even had their room’s lined with identical medals, in bronze, silver, and gold that they had gotten for their successful races.

 

“Alright,” Isak conceded with another roll of his eyes. “Whatever you say.”

 

They were both full of excited chatter and bubbling laughter as they made their ways back to their houses. Isak loved this feeling, when competition day had gone well and everyone was in high spirits. Even the humid, cloying, heat couldn’t dull Isak’s smile. He wished he could bottle this feeling, the way his body felt full of sunlight, and the cold anxiety that usually curled unforgivingly around his lungs had relented and warmed a little.

 

It wouldn’t last long. Isak knew that the second he walked back into his home and saw the darkness and the clutter and his mother’s empty eyes, the feeling would become just a memory.

 

“Celebratory movie night at my house?” Even asked, turning to Isak. Isak had told Even nothing about what was going on at home - just the thought of it made his stomach flip - but still, it was like Even knew something was wrong.

 

Even was a consistent sort of warmth that made Isak feel a little less lonely, and maybe Isak had been clinging on to him a little more lately, which had been the key to Even realising something was wrong. They knew each other well after growing up together; Even wore his heart on his sleeve, and though Isak was a little more reserved, being around Even inspired Isak to try and open up some more. He wasn’t doing a great job, since he was keeping such a big, heavy secret from almost everyone he knew, but it was his battle to fight, and anyone knowing wouldn’t help anyway. Regardless, he wanted to be better, more honest, and he was trying his best.

 

Isak nodded and flashed Even a grin, which Even happily returned, before his smile turned sly and he bumped into Isak’s shoulder.

 

“First one to the door picks the movie,” he said, before setting off running down the street.

 

“Haven’t we done enough running for today?” Isak yelled to Even, but Even’s laughter just echoed back as he carried on running.

 

Isak swore and set off running anyway, laughing along with Even as he tried to catch up with him. Though it was inevitable that Even would win, Isak couldn’t bring himself to care.

 

Even did a ridiculous victory dance in the doorway and then smuggled snacks past his mum from the kitchen, whilst Isak went straight into Even's room and flopped onto his bed with a contented sigh. Even’s place was just like Even, familiar and warm, and Isak always felt comfortable there. When he was younger and his mum and dad used to fight a lot, Isak would often end up staying over at Even’s house, and Isak remembered Even’s mother pulling up an extra chair at the dinner table without question whenever Isak would turn up on their doorstep, giving him a warm smile and the biggest plate of food.

 

Even trailed through his bedroom door just after Isak and let out an exaggerated sigh when he saw Isak sprawled across his bed, but Isak could see his fond smile when he ducked his head.

 

“That’s my bed,” Even pointed out, standing over Isak with his hands on his hips.

 

Isak just stuck his tongue out and spread each of his limbs further across the bed.

 

“You made me run when I was already suffering from today’s race. I deserve the bed,” Isak insisted, smiling sweetly.

 

“At least move over so I can sit down?” Even pleaded, prodding at Isak’s legs with his fingers.

 

Isak groaned loudly and made an ordeal about shifting himself a little closer to the wall so that Even could fit on, turning his side and glaring at Even as he settled down beside Isak with a sigh.

 

“I barely have any room,” Even complained, sinking down the head of his bed so that he was at Isak’s level.

 

“You’re lucky I gave you any space at all,” Isak said haughtily.

 

“Of course, you’re right. You’re so kind,” Even deadpanned, rolling his eyes, as Isak sniggered into the pillow.

 

Even leant over the side of his bed, almost elbowing Isak in the process, to grab his laptop and bring it up to settle it on his stomach. Isak shuffled a little closer to Even so that he could see the screen as Even pulled up his pick of movie that Isak already knew he’d barely pay attention to. He was exhausted, but the right kind of exhausted where his whole body felt heavy and everything inside of him felt calm. It was rare that he felt tired like this. Usually he felt tense whenever he got time to rest, like he didn’t deserve it.

 

A single bed was not particularly big enough to fit two almost six foot boys, so they ended up squashed together as they watched the film, Isak’s legs hooked around Even’s ankles and his head resting on Even’s shoulder. Even was warm, his breathing steady, and Isak could barely see his face from where he was, just his profile illuminated by his laptop screen, his mouth curled up into a lopsided smile like it almost always was. Isak could hear Even’s heartbeat thudding rhythmically under his ear and it was quickly lulling him to sleep, but Isak didn’t fight it; he hadn’t been able to get to sleep that quickly in so long, and he was grateful for it.

 

Isak was woken up by someone pushing his shoulder gently, and he groaned in protest, twisting his face to hide it in the pillow.

 

“I just need you to move so I can pull the sheet over,” Even’s voice whispered into the dark.

 

Isak blinked his eyes open blearily, and could only just make up the outline of Even standing over him and pulling on the sheets that Isak was laid on. Isak groaned again but obliged, moving over slightly, and Even made a triumphant noise before crawling back into bed and pulling the covers up to their shoulders.

 

“M’sorry I fell ‘sleep,” Isak slurred once Even had laid back down. He and Even were nose to nose, and Isak could feel Even’s breath ghosting across his cheek.

 

“It’s okay, you needed it,” Even replied softly.

 

Even shuffled even closer, digging his toes into Isak’s shin and making him whine. “Move over, I’m falling off the bed,” Even added, prodding at Isak’s stomach until he moved back.

 

Isak turned over to face the wall and he felt Even shuffle up until his chest was pressed against Isak’s back. He was so warm that Isak shivered at the contact, and he grunted a question when Even slung his arm over Isak’s middle and held on.

 

“If I don’t hold on to you I’m going to fall off. The two of us together don’t fit in this bed anymore,” Even mumbled into the back of Isak’s shirt.

 

“Get a bigger bed then,” Isak muttered sleepily.

 

Even whispered a reply back, but it was lost in the darkness as Isak drifted back off to sleep.

 

*

 

When Isak woke the next morning, the first thing he noticed was how ridiculously warm he was. His whole body was uncomfortably hot, and his skin fell clammy with sweat as he cautiously opened his eyes and winced at the bright light streaming through the window. It took Isak a few moments to catch his bearings, but when he did, he realised what it was that was making him feel like he’d fallen asleep in a furnace.

 

Even’s arm was still wrapped around Isak’s middle, his face pressed into the back of Isak’s neck, and his warm breath making the collar of Isak’s t-shirt damp. Isak moved his arm back to elbow Even in the stomach, and he heard Even whimper in response as he moved backwards to detach himself from Isak’s back.

 

“Fucking hell, you’re like a space heater,” Isak complained, his voice still thick with sleep.

 

Even made just enough space between them so that Isak could turn around, and he kicked the sheets off to cool himself down, glaring at Even.

 

Even had one eye open as he grimaced at Isak, his face covered in creases from the pillow and his hair messily falling into his face.

 

“Are you telling me I’m hot?” Even croaked back, waggling his eyebrows.

 

Isak gave Even a shove and laughed triumphantly when Even rolled off of the bed with a yelp. It was the first time in a while that Isak had slept more than a few hours, and the first time he’d woken up feeling comfortable and rested and happy rather than filled with dread.

 

Even’s head appeared over the side of the bed as he sat up to scowl at Isak, his face twisted in the way Isak knew meant he was trying to fight his own smile.

 

“You owe me breakfast for assaulting me so early in the morning,” Even muttered.

 

Isak just kept on laughing.

 

*

 

Isak spent the whole morning with Even and Marte, visiting the nearest cafe to get stacks of food that Isak paid for as an apology to Even (he’d just have to budget a little more this month, he thought, he was sure it would be fine). The lightness of the previous day stayed with Isak as he and Even chased his little sister around the park, her high pitched giggles filled the air and a warm breeze danced around them, the sun much less suffocating than it had been lately.

 

Isak should have known he didn’t have the liberty of taking time off, of letting himself rest. When he got home that afternoon the house was total chaos, torn book pages scattered around the room along with broken plates and ripped up photos. Isak’s heart turned to ice as he took in the sight, and for an awful moment, he considered turning around and walking straight back out of the door again, running until his legs gave out.  
Isak was stupid, he was selfish, he was thoughtless in leaving his mother to be scared and alone for a full night, trapped in her own mind. The guilt was so overwhelming that it forced a sob out of Isak’s chest, and he stared around the room for a few moments, feeling helpless and miserable.

 

As Isak sat with his mother that night whilst she fell into a restless sleep, he made a quiet promise that he’d never leave her again.

 

*

 

Even knew that something was wrong almost straight away when Isak turned down his invitation to train after school.

 

“You’ve literally never missed a training day. Remember when you sprained your wrist? You still insisted we went to the gym.” Even was watching Isak carefully, as if he was trying to work out the reason why Isak had said no. Isak tried to keep his face as blank as he could, not meeting Even’s gaze.

 

“I already trained this morning,” Isak replied, the guilt in his gut spiking up again.

 

“What? When?” asked Even, and Isak saw his face fold into a frown from the corner of his eye.

 

“This morning, before school,” said Isak. He’d actually went at five in the morning. After too long tossing and turning in his bed, he’d snuck out of the house whilst his mother was asleep. It was the only time he could go now: when his mum was sleeping, and when she didn’t need him. He didn’t even have time to make it to the track, just ran laps around the closest streets until the sun rose.

 

“Why would you voluntarily get out of bed before you absolutely have to? You hate early mornings,” Even said, the confusion clear in his voice.

 

Isak couldn’t tell the truth, but he hated lying to Even. Every untruthful word hurt as it rose from his throat, and he kept his stare firmly fixed on his feet as he took a deep breath to force out an answer.

 

“I just have a lot of studying to do. I can’t spend every night training, I’m falling behind in my classes,” Isak mumbled to his shoes. He _was_ doing worse in his classes, and had told Even so before, but he felt like that was a lost cause. The thought of failing any of his classes at school made an awful, cold anxiety curl up inside of him, but there was barely any time for him to study.

 

“Why didn’t you ask me to come with you?” asked Even, sounding hurt. Training together had always been Isak and Even’s constant thing, ever since they had met. They’d always had an unspoken agreement to train together, and that hadn’t changed in six years.

 

“I’m sorry,” Isak said, and he meant it. “I went really early and I didn’t think you’d want to come.”

 

Just because Isak had to get up at the crack of dawn didn’t mean Even should too. Isak had his own problems, he didn’t need to drag Even into them.

 

“Well, I do. If you’re going to be training early on a morning now, I’m coming with you,” Even said with a nod. His mouth was set into a determined line that told Isak there’d be no reasoning with him. Even had made his decision, and nothing would change it.

 

Despite Even not knowing why Isak was doing what he was doing, or what was running through Isak’s head, he still managed to do just the right thing to make the weight on Isak’s chest ease off a little. Sometimes Isak thought that Even was so in tune with Isak that he just _knew_ , no matter what, but really he knew that Even was just so full of compassion that he’d do anything to make anyone happy.

 

Isak just nodded, looking up to give Even a small smile, which Even happily returned.

 

“You don’t have to suffer through early mornings alone. I’ll even bring coffee for us,” Even said cheerfully just before they parted ways to go home.

 

Isak sometimes wondered if Even truly realised just how much he helped Isak just by being around.

 

When Isak got home, all he wanted to do was crawl into bed and sleep for as long as he could, but the long list of things he still had to do before the day was out was scratching at the back of his mind, reminding him that he didn’t have time for rest. His eyes were burning and muscles aching as he dragged his feet through the house, sighing in relief when he was met with silence as he called out a hello.

 

He felt painfully guilty for it, but it was always easier for him when his mother was down. It meant she slept most of the time and stayed locked in her room, with Isak’s only problem being convincing her to eat. It was much easier than the days where she was terrified and there was nothing Isak could say to calm her. Or when she would say things that didn’t make any sense to Isak, her words fast and garbled. Isak felt desperately hopeless in those times, and at least when she was sleeping it gave him room to breathe.

 

Isak crept upstairs and gently pushed the door of his mother’s room open. He could see her figure curled up on the bed, on top of the sheets in the darkness, surrounded by old books Isak didn’t recognise. He padded around the room quietly, taking the books off of the bed and stacking them on the table beside her, before grabbing another blanket to drape over her. Her breathing was steady, her face relaxed, jaw slack, and Isak took a few moments to just watch her sleep. He hardly ever got to see her calm anymore, her face was almost always creased with worry, her shoulders hunched and tense, and he couldn’t remember the last time he’d seen her smile. Isak reached out to push the hair out of her face, and he could have sworn she moved into the touch a little, even though she stayed fast asleep.

 

Isak moved around the house in silence, cleaning and cooking and trying his best to do some homework, even though whenever he looked at the pages all of the words blurred together and made his eyes sting. He finally collapsed into bed in the early hours of the morning, and fell into a restless sleep dreaming of burning pages and crumpled up trophies.

 

*

 

Isak was almost certain he’d never get used to early mornings. He almost thought it would be easier if he just didn’t bother sleeping at all, since when he woke up after the few hours he managed to steal, he felt even worse than he had before he fell asleep. He had no idea being so tired could physically hurt, from the way it scratched at his throat to how it made his bones grind together painfully.

 

It took a lot of willpower to convince Isak to swing his legs off of the edge of the bed instead of turning over and falling back to sleep. He barely even bothered changing, just pulling on his running shorts and shoes but not bothering to change his shirt. He tiptoed down the stairs, wincing at every creak of the floorboards and keeping his fingers crossed that his mother didn’t wake up.

 

When Isak finally got out of the door, Even was already waiting for him, grimacing at Isak.

 

“Holy fuck, it should be illegal to be awake this early,” he croaked. He had dark shadows under his eyes, and his hair was falling into his face as yawned, swaying on his feet.

 

“You didn’t have to come,” mumbled Isak, feeling guilty all over again.

 

Even just waved it off, pushing a flask of coffee into Isak’s hands, then stopped to stare at Isak, his face curling up into a smile.

 

“Are you wearing my old running shirt?” he asked.

 

Isak looked down to see he was. It was usually the shirt he slept in after Even had given him it a few years ago, because it was old and worn and familiar, and one of Isak’s favourite shirts.

Even had given it to him after they both won their first major competitions. Isak had been thirteen at the time, and that race had helped him qualify for his team. Afterwards, Even had immediately pulled off his sweat soaked shirt and shoved it at Isak, and Isak had grimaced down at it, before looking at Even in question.

 

“We’re meant to swap shirts after we finish our races, as a sign of friendship,” insisted Even. Isak had snorted and reminded Even that was what football players did, not runners, but had taken the shirt anyway, tugging his own shirt off and handing it to Even.

 

They had gotten new shirts for the next season soon after, so had kept each other’s and never mentioned it since. Isak figured Even had lost his own shirt, like he had almost every other item of clothing he’d borrowed off Isak, never to be seen again. Isak wondered if Even thought it was pathetic that Isak had clung to the old worn shirt Even had given him three years ago, but Even looked positively delighted as he tugged at the hem of Isak’s shirt.

 

“Suits you,” he said, before his grin grew wide. “I can’t believe it still fits you, you really are tiny,” he joked.

 

Isak reached out to punch Even in the arm with a scowl, which Even dodged easily, laughing.

 

“I’m almost six foot, asshole,” muttered Isak with a roll of his eyes.

 

“So tiny,” Even repeated, resting his arm on the top of Isak’s head, his laughter growing louder.

 

Isak pushed Even off with a curse but laughed with him, giving him a shove away from the house and steering him towards the street.

 

“Just because you’re part giraffe doesn’t mean I’m small,” he retorted, but Even just carried on laughing.

 

*

 

They stayed out running until the sky turned from a hazy dark blue to glorious reds and yellows, and both of them ended up sitting on the wall outside of Even’s house, watching the sun slowly rise and set the sky alight.

 

“It’s been eight months since I was diagnosed, you know,” said Even quietly. Even had his foot hooked around Isak’s ankle as they both looked out to the sky, and Isak could feel the adrenaline slowly leaving his body and the exhaustion seeping back into his muscles. Soon, he’d have to go home, make his mother breakfast, and then get ready for school. Just the thought of it made him want to cry.

 

“I’m not sure if it feels like it a long time or a short time,” mused Isak. He remembered the day he found out about Even being bipolar, when they’d sat on the same wall outside of Even’s house in the cold, and Even had told Isak how afraid he was.

 

It hadn’t been easy - Even had been switched through medications, and had hated his first therapist. He’d had days of staying in bed, lost and empty, and other days where his thoughts ran far too fast for his body to keep up. It still wasn’t perfect, and Even had come to terms with the fact it probably never would be, but he took each day as it came, and he never let anything knock him down for too long. Even was stronger than Isak could ever dream of being, and Isak was unimaginably proud.

 

“It was pretty shitty for a while,” sighed Even, looking down at his and Isak’s feet.

 

It had been more than just that. It had been hard to see Even, who was always the optimist of the two boys, lose all of his hope. The tunnel had seemed so long and so dark, and though Isak always made sure to promise Even everything would be okay, sometimes he hadn’t been so sure. It was a long and shaky road but Isak was just glad Even felt able to be himself again.

 

After a few moments of silence, Even bumped into Isak shoulder and smiled softly at him. “You helped though,” he added.

 

Isak snorted and shook his head. He hadn’t done anything; he was just as useless with Even as he was with his mother, when all he could do was sit and watch and wait for the storm to pass. He could never find the right words to say, could never work out a way to get rid of the sadness or keep his cool when everything was going wrong.

 

“How?” asked Isak, frowning.

 

“Just by being you,” Even said simply, flashing Isak a grin as he jumped off of the wall and stretched again. “I’m going back to sleep for an hour so I don’t pass out at school. Talk to you later?”

 

Isak nodded and climbed off the wall himself, making his way to the house and feeling the weight on his chest get heavier and heavier with every step he took towards home.

 

*

 

When competition day came around, Isak almost thought about not bothering going. He was just _so_ tired, and knew there was no way he could do well. But right on time, as always, Even turned up at Isak’s door with coffee in hand and a wide grin on his face, and Isak figured the day maybe wouldn’t be too bad if he had Even with him.

 

Even was wearing a red bandanna covered in lightning bolts, one Isak had given him almost two years ago. Isak hadn’t had a chance to get him a new one in a while, since he was always too busy, and spending his father’s money on anything but food made him feel too guilty. Even hadn’t brought it up; he’d just started using older ones from years back that Isak thought were long gone.

 

“Nice socks,” said Even, looking pointedly at Isak’s feet and wiggling his eyebrows.

 

Isak snorted and shook his head. He was wearing his normal white running socks that went halfway up his shins, but he knew that those weren’t the socks Even was talking about. Underneath his normal socks were the rainbow coloured socks that Even had bought him in the winter. Isak wasn’t quite brave enough to wear just those socks alone - Even was the only person he’d come out to, and to be wearing them in front of a crowd , and thinking of the possibility of people him asking him questions about them, about why he was wearing them, was terrifying.

 

Isak had worn them for every race since Even had bought him them, but usually they were hidden under his white socks. In his rush to get ready he’d forgotten to cover the colourful socks underneath, and once Even pointed them out he immediately bent down to cover them properly, not missing the way Even’s face fell ever so slightly.

 

“They’re my lucky socks. I wear them every race,” Isak said, still staring down at his feet as he straightened back up.

 

“Yeah?” Even asked, and Isak could hear the smile in his voice.

 

“Of course, and I think I need them most today,” muttered Isak before they began walking side by side towards the track.

 

“You’ll do fine, just like you always do,” reassured Even, bumping into Isak’s shoulder.

 

They walked together, talking about nothing in particular, empty conversations about their days at school and competitions coming up. It made Isak sad, because he and Even used to talk about everything. Isak would talk about the universe and its secrets, and Even loved to find the deeper meaning in things. They could talk for hours, never coming to any sort of conclusion, just bouncing stories and tales and facts off of each other. It had always made Isak feel comfortable; he never had to think too hard about what he was saying, because he knew Even would never judge. When Isak sometimes couldn’t get his point across, when the words would become muddled, Even seemed to understand, and almost always knew exactly what Isak meant.

 

The world had seemed so big, with endless things to talk about. But lately, Isak’s world had just been narrowed down to his dark, empty house, and his mother who barely felt like his mother anymore.

 

“Hey, I have something I wanted to tell you,” Even said just as they made their way through the gates. The place was slowly filling up, mostly with competitors already out on the track and warming up, and spectators spilling into their seats in staggers.

 

Isak turned to Even and made a noise prompting him to continue, but just as Even opened his mouth to speak there was a loud whistle, and both of them turned to see Even’s coach stood on the field, waving him over.

 

Even swore under his breath, before turning back to Isak with an apologetic smile.

 

“I’ll talk to you later, ok? Run far,” he said.

 

Isak laughed and shook his head, before high fiving the hand Even held out to him.

 

“Run fast,” he replied, almost automatically.

 

They tended not to wish each other luck before a race, knowing it was pointless. They both knew how hard they worked, and though they joked about having lucky socks and headbands, they knew luck had no part in how well they had done. Instead, once when Isak had asked Even what he should say instead of wishing Even luck, all Even had said was “I just need to run fast,” and so Isak had begun saying that instead.

 

When Even had said it back to Isak, Isak had snorted and shook his head.

 

“I can’t run fast like you. I’d get tired and burn out too quickly,” he argued.

 

Even had rolled his eyes but eventually conceded with a laugh.

 

“Okay then,” he’d said. “Don’t run fast, run far.”

 

*

 

Even won his race despite tripping and stumbling within the first few steps, making Isak’s stomach drop with dread. He’d managed to pull it back and get to the finish line just half a second before the rest.  

 

Even’s grin was bright as ever as he threw his hands in the air with a loud cheer, before bending over and resting his hands on his knees to gasp in breaths. Isak hurried down from where he had been sat watching to go and congratulate Even, smiling widely. The atmosphere was always infectious, and Even’s happiness when he won was even more so, so Isak couldn’t help but have a little more bounce in his step as he made his way towards Even.

 

Someone beat Isak to Even before he could get there, and it made Isak stop in his tracks. A girl appeared from the front seats, running over to Even, and Isak watched Even’s face light up as he pulled her into a hug and spun her around, laughing into her hair.

 

Isak had never seen the girl before, but clearly she and Even knew each other very well. She rubbed his back and pushed his hair from her face as they grinned at each other, and Even closed the distance between them to kiss her softly, cupping her face in his hands.

 

Isak felt like he’d had the breath knocked out of him as his head began spinning and something crawled up from his chest and clawed at his throat. It hurt, whatever it was, whatever he was feeling, and it was so strong and raw that it made him want to curl himself up and hide away from it. He didn’t understand why he felt the way he did, why he couldn’t bear to look back up and see Even smiling and laughing with a girl Isak didn’t know.

 

He felt almost betrayed, that there was such a big part of Even’s life that Isak had no idea about, and he knew how hypocritical that was, and knew he had no right, but that didn’t stop him from feeling like his lungs weren’t working properly.

 

Isak stuck his fists into his eyes and rubbed until he saw sparks behind his eyelids, and he took in a few shuddering breaths, planning to make his exit before Even saw him.

 

Of course, he’d never be that lucky.

 

“Isak! Hey, you okay?” Isak heard Even call, his footsteps quickly coming closer. Isak took another breath and lifted his head, plastering a smile on his face as he looked up at Even and nodded.

 

“Yeah, sorry, I was just feeling a little dizzy,” Isak said, and he hated how much his voice shook. “Congratulations, you did great.”

 

Even grinned brightly, and reached out to pull Isak into a hug, his face dropping when Isak immediately flinched away. Isak’s skin was crawling and his heart racing and everything felt so wrong, but that was made even worse by seeing Even’s face when Isak took a calculated step away from him.

 

Before Even could ask what was wrong, the girl appeared again, snaking her arm around Even’s middle and smiling kindly at Isak.

 

“Hey, you must be Isak,” she said. She was beautiful, with soft skin and warm eyes and short blonde hair that framed her face perfectly. Isak felt sick.

 

“I’m Sonja, Even’s girlfriend. I’ve heard so much about you,” she continued, holding her hand out to Isak.

 

Isak took it, hoping neither her or Even noticed how his hands were shaking as he muttered out a hello and tried his best to make his smile seem genuine.

 

The whistle went off to let Isak know his race would be starting soon, and Isak used that to make an escape, mumbling an apology to Even and Sonja before ducking his head and hurrying off as quickly as he could.

 

Isak found himself behind the locker room building, sat on the floor with the bricks of the wall digging into his back, hugging his knees and trying to breathe. He knew he was overreacting, knew he had no right, but the feelings churning in his gut were too strong for him to stamp them down, and no amount of reason could make them go away.

 

He was stupid for feeling so betrayed. It was pathetic for him to feel like he had some sort of ownership over Even, that him having a girlfriend could change things. But Even had always been Isak’s constant; no matter what happened at home or school or anywhere else, Isak always had Even. He’d been naive to think that would never change.

 

He hated himself the most, for not being able to be happy for his best friend. When Isak had seen Even and Sonja together, when they didn’t know Isak had been watching, Even had looked so happy that he was positively glowing. After such a bad winter when Even was fighting for a diagnosis, when Isak could barely get him to crack a smile, Isak should be nothing but happy that his closest friend had found someone who could make him smile that much.

 

But Isak was a terrible person, because he couldn’t be happy for Even. Not yet.

 

Isak heard the whistle blow again, and hauled himself upright, rubbing his hands across his face and taking a deep breath before he made his way back to the track. His legs were wobbling as he took his place, and it felt like his bones were only being held together by a few strings, like he was about to fall apart any moment.

 

Isak tried his best to clear his mind as he waited for his signal to go. He took a few deep breaths and rocked back and forth on his feet, slowly, from his toes all the way to his heel, and tried to breathe in time. Even had taught him that; when Isak sometimes got overwhelmed by too much stress or school work or something he could never explain, Even almost always managed to talk him through it. He’d taught Isak things that would stop the anxiety that stirred in his stomach from bubbling over and taking control, and though Isak had rolled his eyes at them at first, he had to admit that they worked.

 

The starting gun went off, and it took Isak too long to find his rhythm as he stumbled for the first few steps and dropped behind quickly. It was like all of the exhaustion from the past few months had hit him at full force all at once, and Isak was just worn out.

 

Isak stayed in last place for the first few laps, and it had been a long time since he had been left so far behind. He felt like his shoes were filled with lead, and his head was swimming with thoughts he didn’t want to pay attention to.

 

Isak slowed to a stop until he was standing alone on the track, watching all the other runners disappearing in front of him. He had never withdrawn from a race before, no matter how far behind he was, but this time he held his hand up to let his coach know he was retiring. He made his way of the track with his head down, ignoring the voices trying to call him back.

 

*

 

Isak wouldn’t avoid Even. He wouldn’t hide away and lock himself in his room like he wanted to, because he owed it to Even to at least try. He still trained every morning with Even just as the sun rose, still spent most days at school replying to Even’s ridiculous texts, he even went around Even’s house on the nights he wasn’t seeing Sonja.

 

(Just because Isak wouldn’t avoid Even didn’t mean he had to spend time with his girlfriend too.)

 

They barely talked about Isak withdrawing from his race. When Even asked, Isak just muttered something about not feeling well, and Even had nodded and quickly changed the subject. Isak had gotten in trouble from his coach for giving up so quickly, but Isak couldn’t bring himself to care.

 

One morning, when Isak crept out of the front door, Even was already waiting, but he was wearing normal clothes and had a bag in his hands.

 

“Can we talk?” said Even in lieu of a greeting.

 

“We can talk while we run, like we do every morning,” Isak said slowly, frowning down at the bag in Even’s hand.

 

“No, but, properly talk. No running. I even brought us breakfast,” Even said, shaking the bag in his hands.

 

Isak sighed, but eventually gave in, nodding shortly and rolling his eyes at the way Even’s face lit up.

 

“Fine,” Isak mumbled, feeling the cold tension seep into his muscles. “Let’s talk.”

 

They still ended up at the track, since it was always their default place to go, but they sat in the gallery this time, Even immediately propping his feet up on the chair in front of him as he dug out the food from his bag and put it on the chair between him and Isak.

 

“Take what you like,” said Even, setting out tubs full of breakfast food. “I didn’t know what you’d want so I made some of everything.”

 

Isak snorted and shook his head, but took the nearest box to him, and took the plastic fork that Even offered to him as he popped open the lid. Even was a pretty good cook, though he was otherwise terrible around the house. Isak had heard plenty of stories about Even burning holes through clothes when he was ironing, or accidentally dying all of his mother’s work shirts pink when he tried to wash them. The only thing he could really do well was cook, and he often did so for his parents and his sister, and sometimes Isak too.

 

They ate in silence for a few moments, and Isak could feel Even watching him, but he kept his head down, not daring to look up.

 

“I was planning to tell you about Sonja,” Even blurted eventually, and Isak had to take a deep breath before he replied.

 

“It doesn’t matter,” Isak muttered.

 

“It _does_ ,” Even replied immediately, and his voice sounded almost desperate. “We’ve only been dating for a few weeks, and I kept trying to find the right time to talk to you about her, but I never did.”

 

Isak sighed and finally looked up to see Even was still watching him. It was like Even was pleading with Isak, and Isak didn’t understand.

 

“Even, it’s fine. We don’t have to tell each other everything,” Isak tried his best to sound reassuring, but he wasn’t quite sure that he managed it.

 

Isak thought back to when he first saw Sonja, and how happy Even had looked with her. He thought of her kind smile and how she looked truly delighted for Even when he crossed the finish line. “She seems nice,” Isak added, offering Even a wobbly smile.

 

Even nodded, and his mouth curled up into a small smile of his own as he looked past Isak and nodded.

 

“She’s great,” he said wistfully, and Isak tried to ignore the way his stomach flopped uncomfortably.

 

“She must be, if she’s willing to put up with you,” Isak joked weakly, earning a punch in the arm from Even as he barked out a laugh.

 

They changed the topic for a while, and Isak found it a little bit easier to talk to Even, his lungs feeling less constricted. He and Even were just fine. They’d always be best friends and nothing would change that. Isak had overreacted, and he owed it to Even to be as supportive as he could.

 

“How did you and Sonja meet?” asked Isak when there was a lull in the conversation.

 

“We go to the same school. I always thought she was beautiful, but I never had the courage to talk to her,” Even said. Isak rolled his eyes and muttered a “gross” under his breath, which earned another punch from Even.

 

“Then one day, she just marched over and sat at the same table as me in the library and started talking to me as if we’d known each other for years. I asked her out eventually, and then we just-” Even shrugged, still smiling. “Went from there.”

 

“She was braver than you,” Isak pointed out, and Even nodded with a grin.

 

“I told her I was bipolar after our first date,” Even added.

 

“You didn’t have to, I told you. It’s no one’s business but yours,” Isak replied immediately. Even hated being defined by his bipolar, but it was hard not to be when he felt as though he owed it to people to tell them, after so long of it being his defining feature.

 

“But I wanted to, and she was amazing about it. You know usually people go all weird and act like I’ve just told them I have a terminal illness?” Even asked, and Isak nodded, scowling.

 

People’s immediate reaction to Even telling them about his bipolar was to be sympathetic, as if it were a terrible thing. They would always frown and pat Even’s hand, and start speaking a little quieter as if Even was suddenly fragile. Both Isak and Even hated it.

 

“Well, she didn’t. She just said ‘ok’, and we just carried on talking. Just like that.” Even’s smile grew wider as he spoke, and something bloomed in Isak’s chest as he found himself smiling too.

 

Isak wanted Even to be happy, it was as simple as that. He hated change, especially with everything else he knew falling down around him. Change was a threat. But if that change made the people he cared about most happy, he could get used to it.

 

“I’m happy for you,” Isak said softly, and he meant it.

 

Even’s answering grin was so bright that it almost made Isak forget the nauseous feeling still stirring in his gut.

 

*

 

Isak sat and picked at his sandwich whilst letting his friend’s chatter wash over him on Monday at school, not even bothering to pretend he was interested. There was so much going through his mind that he could barely get everything in order to string a sentence together anyway, and all his friends were doing was talking about another party Isak didn’t go to.

 

Jonas leaned in closer to Isak and nudged him gently, and Isak turned to see Jonas frowning at him.

 

“Is everything okay?” he asked quietly, keeping his voice down so the others wouldn’t hear.

 

Isak nodded and attempted a smile, but Jonas’ frown just grew deeper.

 

“Is, you fell asleep three times in the last class, and you look like shit. What’s going on?”

 

Jonas was always more perceptive than he seemed, and since he was the only one who knew even a little bit about what was going on with Isak, Jonas always seemed to keep a look out for him.

 

“It’s just some family stuff, it’s fine,” Isak reassured. Jonas kept on frowning, but let it drop with a short nod, joining back in on their friend’s conversation.

 

Isak had thought about coming out to Jonas a few times before. Jonas was one of his closest friends, and he was a good person. Isak was almost certain Jonas would be completely fine with it. But there was always that doubt niggling at the back of his mind, reminding him that sometimes people weren’t as nice as they seemed when it came to certain things. Isak never wanted to be defined by who he liked. He didn’t want his friends to look at him differently, didn’t want to think him being gay made him different.

 

He also didn’t want to lie, didn’t want to be fake, and at the moment it felt like he was. He wanted to tell his friends because it was a part of him, but he had no control over how they would react to it, and that was terrifying.

 

Before they left at the end of lunch, Jonas slid over his notes for the classes he and Isak shared with a kind smile.

 

“Since you slept through most of the note taking,” he grinned.

 

Isak thanked Jonas, fighting the ridiculous urge to cry. He’d felt so distant from his friends lately, and wouldn’t blame them if they resented him for it. But they continued to be endlessly kind, and it made warmth glow in Isak’s chest.

 

*

 

The next morning, before the sun came up, Isak stumbled through his house and down the stairs. He opened the door to see that Even was already there and waiting, his face creased with worry.

 

“Isak, you look exhausted, are you sure you don’t want to go back to training after school?” he asked. Isak’s mother had a bad night, meaning he was up with her for most of it, trying to calm her down and get her to finally go to sleep. Isak had managed to grab an hour of sleep on the sofa before his phone alarm went off and he had to drag himself up again.

 

“I’m fine,” Isak mumbled, hiding a yawn behind his hand. It had accidentally become his default answer whenever someone asked him, just because it was easier than explaining.

 

“How about we skip today? You can come back to my house and we can chill before school,” Even suggested. His voice was gentle, laced with concern, and Isak hated it.

 

“Even, I’m fine,” Isak snapped.

 

Isak saw the way Even flinched at his harsh tone, and he immediately deflated.  
“I’m sorry,” he said quietly. “You know I hate early mornings. I’m just stressed because of school. Everything’s okay, I promise.”

 

Even watched Isak for a few moments, scanning his face carefully, and Isak squirmed under his stare.

 

“Okay,” Even said eventually, giving Isak a half smile. “Just don’t work yourself too hard, okay?”

 

Isak nodded and told Even he wouldn’t, whilst making a mental list of all of the things he had to do once the sun had rose.

 

Isak was struggling with training. He was getting tired much much more quickly, and rapidly losing his will to keep going. Before, he could run for miles and push through the exhaustion, but now it felt like a constant uphill battle. He knew he was slowing down, and often struggled to keep up with Even, even though Even had steadied himself for Isak to stay beside him. He was completely out of energy before he even started training now, so he was totally running on empty.

 

He still tried his best, but it wasn’t enough. It was like a kick to the gut, because running and competing was always what Isak had been good at, what he could be proud of, and now he didn’t even have that anymore.

 

It was like Isak was only just managing to keep his life together; the threads he was clutching on to were frayed and breaking, and it was only a matter of time before it all fell apart.

 

Isak almost wanted them to break, just for everything to be over, for him to finally be able to admit defeat.

 

When Isak looked over to Even, he had his mouth set into a hard line and his face was creased into a frown as he stared down at his feet.

 

“What’s wrong?” Isak asked, slowing to a stop and tugging on Even’s wrist to get him to stop too.

 

Even shrugged, keeping his shoulders tensed and his arms folded across his chest.

 

“It’s been a tough few days,” he mumbled, not meeting Isak’s eyes.

 

Isak kicked himself for not realising sooner. Even had been a little off lately, and usually Isak was fine tuned to Even’s moods, but with everything else going on lately, he’d let it slip by him.

 

Even had explained it before as feeling like he had something weighing him down, like a raincloud permanently stuck over his head that made everything look so much darker than it actually was. He was tired before he even had to do anything, and there was a fog in his brain that made everything unclear, and even the easiest things difficult.

 

Sometimes it passed easily, but sometimes it was a little harder to shake off, and Even needed some time to recollect his thoughts, time to find himself and let the clouds pass.

 

“Maybe you shouldn’t go to school today, sleep it off,” Isak suggested softly. He knew Even hated being treat like he was an invalid, but sometimes, he needed convincing to give himself time and let himself just be for a while.

 

To Isak’s surprise, Even didn’t protest. Instead, he just nodded and looked up to Isak to smile.

 

“Maybe you should do the same,” he replied.

 

Isak frowned in confusion. He didn’t need time off the same way Even did, Even was fighting his own mind most days, and meant he was tired before the day had even begun. Isak admired Even so much, even though he didn’t tell him often. He didn’t want Even to think he was being patronising or treating him differently like some did. But he knew the battles Even was fighting that no one else could see, and he still managed to always be so kind and happy.

 

Even noticed Isak’s confusion and he sighed, slinging his arm around Isak’s shoulders. “Isak, you’re exhausted. You’re working yourself too hard and if you don’t let yourself rest it’s going to mess you up. You always tell me I need time out of the real world so I can keep going, but I think you need it just as much as I do,” said Even, stepping closer to Isak.

 

Isak opened his mouth to argue, but quickly shut it again with a sigh. He didn’t have time to rest, because the world wouldn’t stop just because he wanted it to. But he also knew Even was right. Isak was almost at his breaking point, and he was no good to his mother if he burnt out and couldn’t help her anymore.

 

“How about we both take today off? Jonas can get your homework for you, and we can go back to mine. I have the biggest tub of ice cream that I need help eating,” Even said with a smile.

 

Isak eventually conceded and agreed, but his heart felt heavy and the cold feeling of failure settled in his chest. It almost felt like admitting defeat in a way; Isak just wanted to be good and to be able to do everything he needed to without it feeling like too much all of the time. So many people had so much more to do and coped just fine, but Isak had given in far too early.

“You don’t need help. I’ve seen you single handedly get through two of those giant tubs of cookie dough ice cream in less than an hour,” Isak joked weakly.

 

Even laughed, and it wasn’t his usual loud, bright laughter that reverberated through Isak’s bones, but it was enough to make his heart feel slightly lighter.

 

“Oh my god, I got the worst brain freeze ever, and then I nearly threw up all over your bed,” he recalled, before bumping into Isak’s shoulder and smiling at him. Even had dark circles under his eyes, and his skin looked paler than usual. His hair clearly hadn’t been washed in at least a week, and Isak noticed he was wearing the same clothes Isak had seen him in for the past few days. Isak should have paid more attention, and he felt awful for not noticing Even was struggling sooner.

 

“I promise I’ll share this time. I even bought chocolate brownie instead because I know you like that better,” Even added as they made their way into his house, dumping their jackets and shoes by the door.

 

Even when Even had the weight of the world weighing down on him, even when he was battling his own mind, he still managed to be just as kind and caring as he always was without even trying. Isak made an agreement with himself, to let himself rest for a little while, just to keep Even company and let himself have a few moments to breathe, before he’d go back to the real world. He just needed some time, and then he could come back fighting.

 

Within a few moments of being in Even’s room, both of the boys ended up in Even’s bed, completely exhausted. Isak turned to face the wall like before, pulling the sheets up to his chin, and curling himself up. Even shuffled backwards until his and Isak’s backs were touching, and Isak felt him press his feet into the back of Isak’s knees as he sighed contentedly. Isak counted Even’s breaths until they evened out and he felt the muscles in Even’s back relax as he fell asleep, his feet twitching every so often against Isak’s legs.

 

It didn’t take long for Isak to fall asleep too, counting Even’s breaths and surrounded by nothing but warmth.

 

*

 

Isak dreamt he was running to something that he couldn’t reach. He could hear people calling to him - his mother’s and Even’s voices the loudest, but when he called back, they didn’t reply. He ran and ran but the road just kept getting longer, and eventually he tripped on the pavement and woke up just seconds before he hit the ground. Isak sat bolt upright, gasping in breaths and trying to get his heart to stop beating so fast. Even groaned beside Isak and reached out, waving his hand about wildly before he found Isak’s arm and grabbed it, giving it a squeeze.

 

“Okay?” he mumbled, cracking open one eye to look up at Isak.

 

“I’m fine,” said Isak, moving himself so that he was propped up against the wall. “Go back to sleep.”

 

Even nodded and shuffled closer towards Isak’s legs, but just as he shut his eyes once more, there was a loud knock on the door that made them both jump. Even sat up in bed and smoothed his hair down just as Sonja came in the door. Her smile was genuine but Isak could see the creases of worry on her forehead.

 

“Hey,” she greeted, making her way over to the bed and sitting down beside Even, taking his hand in her own. Isak looked away and began picking at a loose thread on Even’s sheets.

“I got your text about you taking the day off, and thought I’d come say hi. I brought you some cookies.”

 

Isak saw Even grin in the corner of his eye as he leant forward to kiss Sonja softly, and Isak twisted the loose thread tightly around his finger until the tip of it turned purple.

 

“You’re so nice,” said Even, reaching out to brush his knuckles across Sonja’s cheek.

 

Sonja suddenly seemed to realise Isak was sat against the wall, and she turned to grin at him, still holding on to Even’s hand.

 

“Hey Isak!” she said, her voice a little too cheery to be casual. “Did you take the day off too?”

 

“Hi, I, uh-” Isak began, not quite knowing how to explain. He didn’t need time off like Even did, but he had been so exhausted that it hadn’t taken much convincing from Even to get him to skip school.

 

“Isak’s not feeling well, so I said we could chill here,” Even interjected, and Isak let the thread around his finger go, the blood rushing back quickly.

 

“Oh, well, I thought me and Even could have a movie night, but you’re welcome to join us too,” said Sonja. Both her and Even turned to look at Isak expectantly, and Isak shrunk under their stares.

 

“Actually, I should go,” Isak mumbled, heaving himself off of the bed with an apologetic smile. He’d been at Even’s too long as it was, and he needed to get home.

 

“You should stay, we can even watch a shitty action movie just for you,” Even said. He had promised that Isak would never feel left out even with Sonja in the picture, but Isak couldn’t help but feel like he didn’t fit in the space that Even and Sonja had created together.

 

“I need to get home. My mum and dad will be waiting,” Isak insisted, grabbing his hoodie off the floor and quickly pulling it over his head, before giving Sonja and Even the most genuine smile he could muster.

 

“Maybe another time, though,” he added as he made his way to the door. Just as Isak left the room, he turned to say one last goodbye, and saw Sonja crawling in beside Even and settling her head on his chest as he wrapped his arm around her and kissed the top of her head.

 

Isak shut his mouth and closed the door quietly behind him, wondering how many days he’d have to sleep to get rid of this overbearing exhaustion.

 

*

 

Isak hated drills, but once every few weeks, on a weekend where he wasn’t competing, Isak had to go down to the track to see his coach and do drills along with him. Isak hated them even more so now, when it was the first good sleep he’d managed to get in a while after his mother had fallen asleep early, but he was rudely awoken by his alarm clock far too soon. Isak was joined by a few other people his age who worked with the same coach, who he knew well enough to smile at as he walked into the locker room, but barely spoke to otherwise.

 

Drills were hard usually, but were even harder when Isak was as run down as he was, and to make things worst, he was getting ill. His throat felt like he’d been swallowing sandpaper, his head felt like it was stuffed with cotton wool, and he was struggling to breathe even as he was just going through his warm ups.

 

Although he was usually miles ahead of everyone else in his exercises, he could barely keep up, and with every stride the others got in front of him, he got more and more frustrated. Eventually, Isak’s coach pulled him aside, and Isak was immediately filled with dread. His coach’s expression was mournful, his mouth turned down into a frown, and it reminded him of the day his father had told him that his grandma had died - his voice hushed and oozing nothing but sympathy as he waited for Isak’s reaction.

 

“Isak, what’s going on with you?” his coach asked, giving Isak’s shoulder a squeeze. Isak had to fight the urge to shake him off.

 

Isak’s coach didn’t give him time to answer before he spoke again.

 

“You dropped out of the last competition, you’re not meeting your times, and you look like hell.” It was a statement, not a question, but Isak answered him anyway.

 

“I’m sorry, I’ve just been busy lately with school work and family stuff. I’ll start doing extra training and-” Isak began, but his coach cut him off.

 

“I don’t think you can cope with this right now,” he said, and Isak’s heart dropped to his feet.

 

“You’re telling me to leave?” Isak croaked, clenching his hands into fists to try and stop them from shaking. Another part of Isak’s world was crumbling, one of the biggest parts that meant the very most to him, and Isak really thought this would be his breaking point.

 

“I just want you to take some time off,” his coach said, holding his hands up placatingly. “Just, have a rest, and come back when you feel better. Okay?”

 

Despite the whirlwind of thoughts spinning around Isak’s head, and the violent urge to shout no and get back to training, to what he knew best, Isak nodded. His coach gave him one last pat on the shoulder before leaving him alone, and Isak shut his eyes and took in a deep, shuddering breath. He understood why his coach didn’t want him representing at the moment; He knew he wasn’t even half as good as he was at his best. But running and competing had always been Isak’s escape from everything else, and now he felt trapped.

 

He could continue running alone, but when there was nothing to work for, nothing to drive him, it felt pointless. He felt completely empty, like he’d been dropped in a dark hole and left there, and he had no way of getting out.

 

Isak wandered back home, dragging his feet and wondering just how bad things could get before they were considered rock bottom.

 

(He felt like he’d hit rock bottom three times over, and each time it hurt even more.)

 

His phone buzzed four times in his pocket, and Isak pulled it out to see three texts from Even, and one from Jonas.

 

 **Even:**  
(10:15)  
Since I didn’t have you to motivate me to get up for an early morning run today I slept in and skipped it entirely. Oops.  
(10:19)  
How did drills go?  
(10:21)  
Do you want to do something later? I’m seeing Sonja today but we could all do something together?

 

Isak sighed and ignored Even’s texts. He couldn’t face being the odd one out stuck between his best friend and brand new, pretty girlfriend, not today.

 

 **Jonas:**  
(10:30)  
Hey man, Mahdi’s buddy is throwing a party tonight and we wondered if you wanted to come? I’ll get beer for us.

 

Isak opened up the message and got ready to type out his usual ‘thanks but no thanks’ text, but he paused with his fingers over the keyboard. Isak didn’t have to worry about a hangover during training anymore, he had nothing to get up for early in the mornings, and he couldn’t bear the thought of being home with just his thoughts and someone who used to be his mother all night.

 

For the first time in a very long time, Isak agreed to go to the party, and he ignored his phone buzzing twice more as he climbed his stairs and crawled into bed, shutting out the world for a while.

 

*

 

Isak wanted to forget, he wanted to not care, wanted to lose himself, even if it was just for a few hours, and the perfect place to do that was at a terrible house party. The music was so loud it had become just one long continuous hum that reverberated through the floorboards, and the room was full to bursting of bodies swaying together. Isak wrinkled his nose at the smell of stale beer and sweat as he followed his friends through the doors, them all immediately making a beeline for living room, cheering out hello’s to classmates as they dodged in between the sea of people. Isak had a beer shoved towards him which he took gratefully, taking three long gulps and trying hard not to wince at the bitter taste as it burned down his throat. He hadn’t drank nearly enough at the pre game, and definitely was far too sober to be where he was. Everyone else had glazed eyes and dopey expressions as they swayed and stumbled around the room, and Isak quickly drained his beer before grabbing another.

 

He didn’t have any competitions or training tomorrow, and he felt so lost, like there was a big gap inside of him that he couldn’t fill. He did consider carrying on training, trying to prove to his coach he could do this, but he was just so desperately tired of trying and getting nothing in return.

 

(A small part of him wasn’t even sure he even _could_ do it any more, and that scared him.)

 

It almost felt like he had given up, like admitting defeat and drinking himself into oblivion at a party was a coward’s way out, but Isak was sick of being brave.

 

So he drank and he laughed with his friends and let himself get lost in the crowd for a while, revelling in the warmth that surrounded him and the beer fizzing through his veins. He felt like everything was moving at half the speed, and his vision was fuzzy around the edges, but he let it take over him, sinking himself deeper into the seat he’d found and watching the lights of the room dance in front of him.

He snapped back to attention when he heard Even’s name mentioned next to him, and he forced himself to tune back into the conversation, scrunching his face up as he tried to focus on his friend’s voices over all the noise.

 

“Even said he’s on his way,” said Jonas, leaning in closer to Isak to shout into his ear.

 

“Why?” Isak demanded, immediately wincing at how harsh his voice sounded.

 

He hadn’t seen Even since his coach had asked him to leave for a while, and Isak was dreading telling him. Mostly because then Even would worry and it would lead to questions that Isak really didn’t want to answer, but also, in a way, Isak felt like he was letting Even down. Isak knew he’d been different lately too, because with everything Isak needed to do in his life, he’d almost forgotten how to just be himself.

 

It was strange feeling, as if he was detached from his body; his brain just a little bit tilted on its axis. Isak knew Even had noticed, of course he had, but if Isak barely felt like himself, what would Even think of him? He was a mess - behind on his classes, always tired or ill or a terrible combination of both, and now he’d even failed at running, which was the one thing he’d always been good at no matter what.

 

Isak was scared that he and Even were changing, that they were drifting apart, and Isak didn’t know how to deal with it, so he avoided it. He knew it was unfair, but it was the best solution he could come up with.

 

“We wanted to meet Even’s new girlfriend,” said Mahdi with a shrug, and Isak had to suppress a sigh.

 

“I still don’t get it,” Magnus interjected, throwing his hands in the air. “I thought Even was gay.”

 

All three boys rolled their eyes at their friend, and Jonas elbowed Magnus in the ribs as Isak replied.

 

“He’s pansexual, Magnus. He doesn’t just like boys or girls,” Isak said tiredly.

 

When Even had figured himself out, he’d decided to tell people straight away, and he’d made sure to tell Isak’s friends too when they were all together to watch Isak compete. Each of them had been totally fine with it, despite Magnus’ confusion, and Isak knew that Even had only gone out of his way to tell his friends so that he could prove  that they wouldn’t mind about Isak either.

 

(That wasn’t the problem, though. Isak knew his friends were good people, he was just a coward.)

 

Magnus opened his mouth to speak again, but as he did, Even appeared behind him and put a hand on his shoulder, and Magnus immediately spun round to pull Even into a hug. Even greeted each of Isak’s friends happily, before he finally realised Isak was there. Isak felt his heart skip as Even froze in his steps and his face creased up into a frown.

Isak quickly drained his beer as Even made his way over, immediately dropping down beside him. The sofa Isak had chosen was old and worn, and as Even sat down, it made Isak sink into the dip so he ended up squashed against Even’s side.

 

“I didn’t know you were coming tonight,” Even shouted into Isak’s ear. Isak could see Sonja greeting each of Isak’s friends with a winning smile and kind hugs. Isak felt a stab of guilt at not getting to know her better, since she seemed lovely.

 

(Of course she was. Even was so kind hearted that he just had to pick someone just as kindhearted as he was.)

 

Isak didn’t know why he felt like bugs were crawling under his skin whenever she was around, or when his chest got painfully tight when he saw her and Even so happy together. Isak hated it, but he could barely stand to be around her.

 

“Wanted a night out with my friends,” said Isak with a shrug, and he didn’t miss the way Even’s face fell slightly.

 

“I didn’t see your name down on the roll call for next weekend’s competition,” Even said, making Isak go rigid in his seat.  

Isak shrugged again and muttered a quick “I’m missing that one,” into Even’s ear before shying away from his lie and putting distance between them.

 

Even just nodded, even though it was very clear he didn’t believe Isak at all. He just gave Isak a kind smile and let it drop, leaving Isak alone as he got up to go back to Sonja. Even immediately wrapped his arm around her waist and kissed her hair and Sonja instinctively leant into it with a grin. Isak was left alone nursing another beer, his drink tasting even more bitter than it had before.

 

Sonja met Isak in the kitchen when he’d found himself in there to try and stop the room from spinning so violently. It was the quietest room he could find, and the harsh lights of it made it a little bit easier for him to focus as he flexed his numb hands and took a few deep breaths to try and steady himself.

 

“Hey Isak,” Sonja said, edging her way into the kitchen. She looked almost cautious as she leant against the counter opposite Isak. “Have you had a good night?”

 

Isak just nodded, not trusting himself to speak - his words would no doubt tumble out incoherently, his mouth running too fast for his brain.

 

“Listen,” said Sonja, sighing as she edged closer to Isak. “I know it’s not my place, and you can tell me to leave you alone if you want, but are you okay?”

 

Isak hadn’t known what Sonja was about to say, but he certainly hadn’t expected _that_.

 

It must have shown on Isak’s face, because Sonja didn’t wait for him to reply, she just carried on explaining.

 

“Even’s worried about you. I know how much you mean to him and I promise he hasn’t told me anything, but I know that he’s been worrying about you a lot lately. You’ve been sort of distant, and I think he misses you,” Sonja kept her eyes on Isak, trying to gauge his reaction, but Isak wouldn’t meet her gaze.

 

Isak hoped that Even never felt like it was his fault that Isak had been such a bad friend lately, but it felt like a punch in the gut to know that Isak was making Even unhappy.

 

Whilst Isak tried to get his thoughts in order, Sonja spoke again, her voice much smaller this time.

 

“I worry that it’s my fault, and if that’s true, and I’m getting in the way of you two, I’m so sorry,” she mumbled, reaching out as if to take Isak’s hand before thinking better of it and drawing her arm back.

 

Isak couldn’t stand people blaming themselves for his own actions. He shook his head quickly and took a step forward towards Sonja, holding his hands up.

 

“It’s got nothing to do with you,” he insisted, and relief hit him as Sonja’s face relaxed slightly. “You’re great for him, I haven’t seen him this happy in a long time.”

 

Sonja preened a little at Isak’s comment, before muttering a thanks to him, along with a small smile which Isak tried his best to return.

 

For a scary moment, Isak considered telling Sonja everything, thought about pouring his heart out in a stranger's kitchen to an almost stranger, just to see what it would feel like. He wondered if he’d feel better, lighter, or if it would just make everything so much worse. Isak swallowed the thought down before it could rise any higher.

 

“I just have a lot of things going on, school and stuff. I’m stressed and tired and not a lot of fun to be around at the moment,” Isak explained, and really, it wasn’t a complete lie.

 

Sonja’s smile grew a little wider as she nodded and she edged closer to Isak to tap his shin with the tip of her toe.

 

“I understand. But between you and me, I think Even would be happy to hang out with you even if you spent the whole time asleep,” she said softly, earning a small laugh from Isak.

 

Isak had been letting Even down, and it wasn’t fair. Everything else in Isak’s life seemed to be crashing and burning, and he couldn’t let his and Even’s friendship be one of those things.

 

Sonja lent in close to Isak and gave his arm a gentle squeeze. “He’s outside getting some air, in case you wanted to know,” she said softly.

Isak gave Sonja one last grateful smile before making a beeline for the door, making a promise to himself that he’d try harder to get to know Sonja, both for Even’s sake, and his own.

 

Even was standing outside on the grass, looking up at the sky with his back facing Isak, but when Isak scuffed his toe on the step as he walked out, Even turned immediately. His face melted into a smile when he saw it was Isak, and something warm began to glow in Isak’s chest as he returned the smile and made his way to where Even was stood.

 

“Hi,” Even said softly. They were stood just a few inches apart, and the alcohol made Even look a little fuzzy around the edges, his features blurring together. Isak could easily see his smile though, bright and calming, like it always was. Isak let his head drop forward so that his forehead was resting on Even’s chest, and he let out a long breath he didn’t even know he had been holding.

 

“Hi,” Isak replied into Even’s shirt, then, “I’m sorry.”

 

“What are you apologising for?” asked Even, and Isak almost laughed at the fact he sounded genuinely surprised.

 

“For being so-” Isak took a breath, took a step back and raised his head to look at Even. He’d been distant, gotten wrapped up in his own problems and lost himself along the way, and Isak hated how much he and Even had changed.

“Weird,” he finished with a shrug.

 

“I get it,” said Even, reaching out and curling his fingers around Isak’s wrist. “You have a lot going on, and I’ve been a little distant too, because of Sonja and school and-”

 

Isak snorted and rolled his eyes, giving Even’s shoulder a shove. Of course Even would try to blame himself.

 

“Even, it has nothing to do with you or Sonja,” Isak insisted. He couldn’t explain everything to Even, but he could at least give him some sort of reason.

 

Isak stared down at his feet. He didn’t want to see Even’s reaction, didn’t want to live through his pity. “I’m out of the team for a while,” he mumbled.

“Coach told me to take time out because I’m falling behind. I can’t do it anymore.”

 

Isak shook his arm out of Even’s grasp to rub at his eyes with his fists as he tried to swallow down the sob rising in his chest. He’d spent the night out trying to forget about everything, but now, stood in front of Even, it all came flooding back, and it hurt so much Isak couldn’t breathe.

 

Even pulled Isak into a hug, and Isak hugged Even back straight away, balling his fists into Even’s shirt and trying to breath in time with Even’s steady heartbeat.

 

“It’s okay, Isak. You just need a rest,” Even muttered into Isak’s ear. He was drawing patterns across Isak’s back, and it reminded Isak of when they were younger and Isak would let Even draw pictures all over his arms and his back with his fingers, swirling patterns into Isak’s skin.

 

“You’re having a hard time right now, but it’ll pass. I promise,” said Even, and Isak really wanted to believe him, but he couldn’t. It felt like he was stuck, like everything around him had dimmed and slowed and he didn’t know how to brighten it up again, or how to get back to how he was before.

 

He was sick of the tiredness weighing him down, sick of the pressure in his chest and the cold shivers crawling under his skin. He was sick of fighting a battle that he didn’t sign up for, and he hated how lost he felt.

 

Isak didn’t say any of that. He just held on tightly to Even and breathed him in for a while, trying to stop himself from feeling like he was suffocating. Even held him back just as tightly, rocking them both from side to side ever so slightly, keeping the drawings on Isak’s back in perfect timing with Isak’s breathing.

 

Isak stood there and let Even mutter a promise he knew neither of them could keep into his ear. Isak knew this could pass, that this could be the worst of it and soon things would start to get better again, like Even said. But it was so hard to look ahead when everything seemed so bleak in the present - hard to believe that Isak could get through this. He was scared for his mother and scared for himself and everything around him was too cluttered and too loud and just too _much_.

 

Isak nodded and hugged Even back anyway, letting his voice take over every other thought in his head as he clung on and tried to block the world out for a while. When he and Even broke apart, the loss was almost painful to Isak, and Even must have understood, because he linked his and Isak’s fingers together loosely and stepped in closer.

 

“You can talk to me, you know. You don’t have to do this on your own,” Even said, pulling Isak towards him to close the space between them so that their sides were pressed together. “I’m always here for you, you know that, don’t you?”

 

Isak just nodded, before resting his head on Even’s shoulder and mumbling a thanks under his breath. There was so much to tell Even, so many things wrong, some that he couldn’t even explain, because he wouldn’t know how to start.

 

Sonja came out of the door at that point, her eyes immediately falling on Even and her face softening into a smile. Even didn’t pull away from Isak, but Isak felt how he went rigid and loosened his grip on Isak slightly. Isak stepped back from Even and dropped his hand, wrapping his arms around himself and trying to stop the ache he could feel spreading through his chest.

 

“Is everything okay?” Sonja asked, her eyes flitting from Even to Isak and back again.

 

Even nodded, and stepped forward to sling his arm around Sonja’s shoulders, pressing a kiss into her hair.

 

“Everything’s fine,” he said, nodding toward Isak and flashing him a smile.

 

Sonja looked over to smile at Isak too, and Isak returned it even though his face felt like it was going to crack. Sonja turned around in Even’s arms so that she could kiss him, and Isak let his gaze drop to the floor.

 

“Shall we go to yours?” Isak heard Sonja ask, before adding, a little louder, “Isak, do you want to walk home with us?”

 

Isak looked up to see both Even and Sonja already watching him. Sonja had one hand on Even’s shoulder and the other tangled up in his hair, and Even’s hands were resting on Sonja’s hips.

 

Isak shook his head, avoiding Even’s gaze as he told them he was staying at Jonas’ after the party so his mum wouldn’t know he’d been drinking. It was a lie - Isak could stand in the middle of his house and scream until his lungs gave out and his mother would barely notice, too wrapped up in her own mind.

 

As Sonja passed to leave, she pulled Isak into a hug, and Isak was so shocked for a few moments that he forgot how to react. When his brain caught up, Sonja was already pulling away, but Isak made sure to give her shoulders a squeeze and the brightest smile he could manage as he mouthed a thank you to her.

 

Even hugged Isak too, wrapping his arms around Isak and holding him tightly, and it almost made Isak want to start crying all over again.

 

“Whenever you need me, I’m there. No matter what, okay?” Even muttered into Isak’s hair. He took a step back but kept his hands on Isak’s shoulders, looking him in the eye and waiting for Isak’s response.

 

Isak nodded and lifted his arm to put one hand on top of Even’s, tapping his knuckles and flashing him a grin.

 

“End of the line, right?” he said, raising his eyebrows. Even burst out laughing - and it was the laugh Isak liked the most, where he threw his head back and showed his teeth, his face crinkling up as he closed his eyes tightly. They laughed together as they remembered the same thing, and Even pulled Isak into another hug.

 

When Even had his down days, when everything was unbearable and he could barely leave his bed, he liked to watch movies. He barely paid attention to them, but told Isak that he liked the background noise, that the movie playing and Isak’s voice giving a running commentary kept him tethered to earth.

 

Even always let Isak pick, and Isak usually picked some sort of action movie, something with plenty of noise and colour and something he could chat mindlessly about without any input from Even. He’d bought Even the whole collection of Marvel movies for his birthday, and Even hugged him just a little tighter for it, as if he knew exactly what Isak had bought them for.

 

One day, when Isak came in to Even’s room to find him curled up in a ball on his bed, facing the wall and staring at nothing, Isak immediately made his way over to the TV in Even’s room. He picked The Winter Soldier that day, because he’d watched it the week before and made notes of things he could say to keep Even’s mind occupied so that it wouldn’t go spiralling into places neither of them wanted it to go, and he’d quickly decided it was his favourite.

 

Isak sat on Even’s bed beside Even, close enough so that Even knew he was there, but not too close that it would make Even uncomfortable, and he talked his way through the movie. He talked about how he liked Bucky the best, how he’d love to be a stuntman in movies, but would probably break his leg on the first day, and how cool it would be to have a metal arm.

 

As the end came and the two long lost friends of the movie came face to face, Isak went quiet for a while, listening to Steve plead for his friend to remember him, and recalling a promise they’d made.

 

Isak had rested his hand on top of Even’s leg, tapping a few times to properly get his attention, before repeating what he’d heard on the movie.

 

“That’s me and you,” Isak said, keeping his voice hushed. Even flinched at noises when they were too loud when he was feeling this way, winced at how they stabbed through his head. “I'm with you 'til the end of the line.”

 

Isak hadn’t expected Even to respond, but to his surprise, Even puffed out a sigh that almost sounded like a laugh.

 

“That was corny,” Even croaked from under his duvet, his voice hoarse from disuse. Isak laughed under his breath and tapped Even’s leg again, listening as Even’s breathing evened out once more once he’d drifted back off to sleep.

 

Isak had thought Even had forgotten, that it would be mixed in with the feverish dreams he always got when he was down. But a few weeks later, Even turned up at Isak’s door with a piece of paper folded up in his hand, and he proudly passed it to Isak.

 

It was a drawing of Isak, with dark circles painted around his eyes and one metal arm with a red star by the shoulder, and Even right beside him, dressed as Captain America.

 

“I'm with you 'til the end of the line,” Even had echoed with a grin, and Isak had smiled so hard his face ached.

 

He still, had the drawing Even had done up on the walls in his room, right above his line of hand-made trophies, and it always made him smile when it caught his eye.

 

Even was still laughing when he let go of Isak, and the sound echoed through Isak’s head and cleared out everything else.

 

“‘Till the end of the line,” he repeated, grinning as Isak sniggered along with him.

 

“You’re both nerds,” Sonja said loudly, but when Isak looked over to her, her smile was nothing but fond.

 

Even and Sonja left soon after, Sonja giving Isak another quick hug and making him promise to take care of himself, and Even giving Isak’s hand one last squeeze before wrapping his arm around Sonja’s waist as they walked home side by side.

 

Isak sat alone outside, watched the clock on his phone and waited until exactly thirteen minutes had passed - since he knew Even would be home by then - before setting off home himself, dragging his feet.

 

*

 

School on Monday passed in a blur, since Isak couldn’t focus on anything, and nothing seemed to make sense. It was like he was trapped in his own bubble, where everything and everyone else were far away - their voices muffled.

The house was quiet when Isak got home. Cold too, because Isak couldn’t afford to have the heat up too much. The food he had made for his mother that morning was still on the table, untouched, and the house still a mess from his mother’s episode the night before. This one had left Isak shaking and afraid, as his mum told him that the world was wrong, that _he_ was wrong. She’d stared at him and pointed a finger right at his chest, and Isak couldn’t help but think she was referring to something in particular.

 

She’d crashed out soon after, all of the energy draining from her as she collapsed into bed, and Isak knew she’d have forgotten everything when she woke up again. Isak wished he could forget too, but it was seared into his memory and came flooding back every time he closed his eyes.

 

He missed his mum. He missed her kind eyes and how she’d always sing whilst she worked, and how her face softened whenever she caught Isak’s eye. He missed being cared for, having a family that cared about him, and having no secrets trapped painfully in his heart.

 

Isak crept upstairs and cautiously opened the door to his mother’s room, hoping she had stayed asleep. The room was dark, but Isak could see that all of the photos in the room, the photos of Isak and his parents holding different memories from different times had all been turned face down so they couldn’t be seen anymore. He breathed out a sigh of relief when he saw the shape of her curled up on the bed, three undrank cups of tea beside her, and one of Isak’s old toys from when he was a child tucked under her arm.

 

Isak sometimes wondered if his mum hated him, if she resented him and didn’t love him anymore. Often, when she looked at him, it was like she was seeing a stranger, someone that meant nothing to her, and every time she did it broke Isak’s heart. He loved her; she was in every one of his best childhood memories, the first person he wanted to tell when he had good news, and he missed her so much it hurt. He wondered if when she got better, she’d remember Isak again, if he could get his mother back and things could go back to normal. But then when he thought like that, he wondered if she would even get better at all.

 

Isak’s phone buzzed in his pocket and he pulled it out, wincing at how bright the screen was as he tried to convince his eyes to focus. Isak’s heart dropped when he saw his father’s contact, and his stomach twisted with dread as he opened up the message with clumsy fingers.

 

 **Dad**  
(17:06):  
Hi son. I hope everything’s okay. I’m having a bit of money trouble at the moment so I’ll have to cut down your allowance for a while, I promise I’ll fix it soon. Hugs x

 

Isak didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. Laugh at his ridiculous coward of a father who had ran away without a second glance back, thinking it was okay to send his family just enough money to tide them over once a week. Or cry, because this felt like the final nail in the coffin, the next small disaster on top of all of the other’s Isak was desperately trying to get through. Isak backed out of his mother’s room, shutting the door behind him before he let himself drop to the floor, hiding his head in his hands.  
He had no idea how this could possibly get better, how any of this could work out. He didn’t believe that this could ever pass, like Even had promised it would. His mother was ill and scared and suffering and there was nothing he could do about it. He was a mess who could barely take care of himself, and everything just felt too hopeless to ever get better. Isak let his head fall back with a dull thud against his mother’s bedroom door, shutting his eyes.

 

*

 

Isak watched the sun set and rise again from his bed, listened to the birds singing outside, listened to his phone vibrate itself off of the table, and ignored all of it. He stayed curled up in his bed, facing the wall and watching the hours pass by on the clock. At one point he heard his mother get up, her feet shuffling across the carpet as she made her way downstairs. Isak listened out for her, could hear her moving around the kitchen, humming to herself. He was so grateful that she seemed to be okay, because he wasn’t sure if he could have coped with it if it was another bad day. He felt awful for even thinking it, but he’d half considered just staying in bed and ignoring her regardless, waiting until she tired herself out.  
He was all out of fight, he just wanted to stay in bed for as long as he could, sinking down into the warmth and hoping it would swallow him up entirely. The humming downstairs turned into singing, and when Isak realised the song his mother was singing he almost burst into tears. It was a song she used to sing to him all the time, one she’d sing when he was scared of the monsters in the dark, and she’d stay with him and sing, stroking his hair until he fell asleep. He was sure that she’d forgotten, that it had been lost somewhere inside her like almost every other part of her Isak knew and loved, but she sang it exactly how Isak remembered.

 

He must have drifted off at some point, because when he opened his eyes it was dark outside. He rolled over with a groan and reached out blindly for his phone, finding it on the floor beside his bed. There were eleven unread texts and six missed calls on the screen when Isak lit it up; a few were off Jonas, but almost all of them were from Even.

 

 **Jonas:**  
(10:04)  
I know you hate English class, but isn’t it a bit drastic to skip school entirely? Lol.  
(12:08)  
Hope you’re okay. Here if you need me, man.  
(14:18)  
I’ve sent you a picture of Magnus to cheer you up. See you tomorrow?

 

Despite himself, Isak snorted at the photo of Magnus. He’d fallen asleep in their Science class, and was fast asleep with his head on his desk, dribbling onto his notes.

 

Isak opened up Even’s messages next, and though he let out an exasperated sigh, it made him feel warm inside to know how much his friends cared.

 

 **Even:**  
(11:10)  
Hey, Jonas said you’re not at school today. Are you okay?  
(13:19)  
Do you want me to come over and keep you company after school?  
I can bring us movies and popcorn.  
(15:01)  
What do a dentist and a track coach have in common?  
They both use drills!  
(15:03)  
They also both cause immense pain.  
Fuck I hate drills so much. My legs are actually going to fall off from yesterday.  
(17:28)  
Training is no fun without you.

 

Isak sent a quick text to Jonas, letting him know he’d be back at school tomorrow. He still felt like he had weights tied to his ankles and the thought of going to school made him feel ill, but he couldn’t afford to miss any more classes. Jonas sent him back a thumbs up and let him know he could copy his notes, without probing any more into why Isak hadn’t come to school. Isak was so grateful to have Jonas around.

 

Isak figured he owed more than a text to Even, so he called him instead, and Even picked up before the phone barely had a chance to ring.

 

“That was a terrible joke,” said Isak as a reply to Even’s hello. His voice sounded hoarse and unfamiliar even to his own ears, and he cleared his throat as Even laughed down the line.

 

“I bet you laughed,” Even replied, then his voice softened a little. “Are you okay?”

 

“I’m fine,” said Isak, and he could have sworn he heard Even sigh in response. “I think I’m just ill or something. I’m sorry for ignoring you, I was sleeping.”

 

“It’s okay, you needed it. Shall I come visit? I’m on my way back from the track now,” Even said cheerfully.

 

Isak spat out a ‘no’ a little too quickly, and immediately winced and mumbled an apology, feeling guilty for sounding so harsh. Isak thought about the house, how much of a mess it was, how cold and dark it was, and he thought of his mother hiding away in her room. Isak had decided a long time ago that Even should never know about it.

 

“I’m gonna go back to sleep, I still feel pretty shitty,” Isak explained, and Even hummed in understanding.

 

“Okay. See you on Saturday, though? asked Even, and his voice sounded almost wary; as if Isak would ever say no.

 

Even had a competition at the weekend, and though it made a lump form in Isak’s throat when he realised he wouldn't be joining Even for a while, he'd never missed a single one of Even's competitions, and didn't plan to start any time soon.

 

“Of course I'll be there,” said Isak.

 

Isak could almost hear Even’s smile down the phone when he said his goodbyes, and Isak found himself smiling too as he hung up.

 

*

 

Isak stumbled through the rest of the week, unable to shake the fog that clouded his mind and made it impossible for him to do much of anything. He was on autopilot, taking care of his mother, going to school, and finally collapsing into bed in the early hours of the morning when his mind went quiet long enough for him to sleep.

 

When Saturday came around and Isak’s alarm went off, he almost ignored it. The thought of getting up and going to the track, with all of the noise and the people made him feel desperately uneasy. Usually he thrived on it, loved the energy and the buzzing atmosphere, but now just the thought of it gave him a headache. He hauled himself up regardless, because no matter how he was feeling, he couldn’t bear to disappoint Even. As Isak walked out of his room, his mother passed him by, making her way back to her own room. Isak mumbled a good morning, but was ignored, and she walked past him as though he wasn’t even there. It happened more often than not now, like she was always stuck in her own world - a world Isak wasn’t a part of. Just because it was normal now didn’t mean that it didn’t hurt Isak every time his own mother barely noticed him.

 

The heat outside was heavy and suffocating as Isak walked his way to the track, and it prickled at his skin and made his eyes water. It wasn’t even that warm - it barely ever got out of the late teens at home, even in the middle of summer. But Isak was terrible in warm weather; Even always joked that Isak would surely melt if they ever went anywhere hotter than Oslo. Instead of going to the gallery to find his seat, Isak went straight to the locker room, hunching his shoulders at the loud buzz of the crowd as he passed. Without even thinking, Isak went straight to his locker to open it, like he always did before a race to put his gear away. He froze just as he reached for the lock, realizing his mistake and immediately feeling a wave of sadness wash over him. He missed track, despite the early mornings and painful workouts and all the times he complained about it. He missed it so much it hurt. It was such a big part of his life and had been for so long, and now that he didn’t have it, he felt lost.

 

He knew it was only temporary, but for the moment he couldn’t see a time where he’d have his life back together enough to be able to do all of the things he used to do and love. A small, spiteful part of Isak’s mind was trying to convince him to give up entirely, and Isak almost felt like giving in to that part, if it wasn’t for how much he missed competing.

 

Isak went over to Even’s locker with a sigh and opened it up. He knew the code of it off by heart, after all the times his own had jammed, refusing to open and Even had offered for him to share. Even had already gotten changed and gone to warm up, but Isak took the new bandana he’d gotten out and put it in Even’s locker anyway for him to find after he was done. This bandana was blue, and was covered in tiny golden trophies. Even though Isak didn’t have a lot of money because of his father, he’d seen it in the store one morning, and knew that he had to get it. On top of the bandana Isak placed a very wonky tin foil trophy that he’d made the night before. It was almost unrecognisable, more a blob than a trophy shape, but Isak wanted to keep Even’s tradition alive.

 

Even won, because of course he did, and Isak watched from the sidelines with a smile as Even dropped to his knees and threw his arms in the air, laughing breathlessly. Soon after Sonja hurried over and pulled Even into a hug, and they both collapsed onto the ground together. Even caught Isak’s eye and grinned at him, letting go of Sonja to wave excitedly. Isak waved back and couldn’t help but match Even’s joyous grin, but instead of going over like he usually would, he turned for home, already exhausted by all of the energy that surrounded him.

 

Isak’s phone buzzed in his pocket and he pulled it out as he walked home, grateful for the clouds that had come over to cover the sun. There was a text from Even, thanking him for coming, along with a photo of him wearing his new bandana and the widest smile, as well as text from Jonas.

 

 **Jonas:**  
(10:21)  
Hey man, Mahdi knows someone from UiO that’s hosting a party tonight. Pre-drinks at mine before. You in?

 

Isak didn’t have his usual escape of running, and he was so sick of spending every night sat awake, too exhausted to sleep. At least if he went out with the boys, he’d have something to do. He texted a yes to Jonas before going back to save Even’s picture with a smile. He almost thought about inviting Even too, before deciding against it. He wasn’t entirely sure why he decided not to, and he felt guilt stab through him as he pocketed his phone, but he tried to stomp it aside. He already had so much weighing him down that any more guilt and sadness might just break him.

 

*

 

Isak left home that night with shaking hands and tears streaming down his face. It was the worst night for his mother so far, where she had been so hysterical that Isak couldn’t get through to her. She’d shouted and cursed at Isak until her voice was hoarse, making his heart hammer in his chest and his knees feel like they were going to give out. It was too much - the walls were closing in on him and he couldn’t cope anymore, so he left the house in a hurry, slamming the door behind him.

 

He was a terrible person, too weak and too sad to stay in that place. He was a bad son for resenting his mother so much for something that she couldn’t help, and even worse for the fact he couldn’t support her. There was a vice around his neck that was getting tighter and tighter, and instead of enduring it, Isak ran away.

 

He wiped his face before he set foot into Jonas’ house, and he laughed along with their jokes and joined in their conversations whilst his heart felt like it was breaking. At one point Jonas nudged into his shoulder, giving him a questioning look, and Isak shook it off with a plastered on smile. Isak couldn’t imagine what Jonas and his other friends would think of him if they knew what Isak had done and how much of a coward he was.

 

The party was full to the brim when they got there, and Isak was grateful for all of the noise there to drown out the thoughts in his head. Everyone there were older than Isak and his friends, and the host was loud and had a bright smile. He pulled each boy into a hug as they came through the door before sauntering back off into the crowd.

 

Isak had drank as much as possible before they made it to the party, and he allowed himself to be pulled from person to person, their conversations washing over him as he let himself get lost in the atmosphere. Someone gave Isak’s arm a squeeze, and he turned to face a boy that smiled kindly at Isak and leant forward to shout his name into Isak’s ear.

 

He had dark hair and long eyelashes and a kind smile, and he wrapped his hand around Isak’s arm, leaning in close enough that the stubble on his face scratched at Isak’s cheek. He talked to Isak in a low voice, rubbing his thumb across Isak’s skin and telling him he’d been wanting to talk to him all night. Isak felt like his whole body was on fire as he stammered through his answers to the boy’s questions.

It wasn’t as if the attention was unwanted - the guy was kind and good looking and out of everyone at the party, he’d decided to talk to Isak. But Isak was hyper aware of all of the people around him, of his friends just nearby, who were probably watching Isak and wondering why Isak and this boy were stood so closely together. Isak wanted to be brave and flirt back, maybe curl his hand around the boy’s hip and laugh properly at his jokes and ask him if they wanted to go somewhere quieter.

Isak struggled to talk to people who weren’t in his immediate group of friends, because he spent the whole time worrying about what they thought of him, and how he looked through their eyes. He’d always been a little jealous of Even in that sense, because he seemed to fit in wherever. He could start a conversation with anyone, and always seemed genuinely interested in what they had to say. It was the same whenever they went to parties too; Even would be surrounded by a bunch of people who he’d talk to with a loud voice and a dazzling smile, whilst Isak couldn’t help but shrink away from it.

He was drunk enough not to take a step back when the boy took one forward, his limbs loose enough that he didn’t freeze up whenever the boy touched Isak’s skin. Isak told a stupid joke Even had texted him a few weeks ago, and when the boy laughed loudly it made something spark up in Isak’s chest. He took the drink the boy offered him, even though he’d drank far too much already, and he tilted his head into the boy’s touch when he brushed his hand across Isak’s jawline.

It made Isak feel important, how this boy was hanging on every word he said. The way the other boy looked at him and smiled at him made him feel special, wanted. He wondered if he’d ever be able to want back, and not constantly feel like he was being watched and judged for it. He wanted to not care, tried to convince himself that no one in the room cared either, but he couldn’t help the voice in the back of his head that told him something was wrong with what he was doing.

 

A voice called out a hello behind Isak, and Isak jumped so violently that he spilled beer all over himself, before he spun around to face where the voice had come from. Mahdi was watching Isak with an eyebrow raised and a beer in each hand, and Isak immediately felt cold all over.

 

“Hey, I brought you another drink,” Mahdi said, and Isak could still feel the presence of the boy watching them behind him. Isak wished he would go away.

 

Isak took the drink with a muttered thanks, hanging his head and feeling his cheeks burning with shame. He felt the boy give his shoulder one last squeeze before he disappeared into the crowd and left Isak and Mahdi alone, and Isak prayed that Mahdi hadn’t noticed how close they had been standing.

 

“Was he a friend of yours?” Mahdi asked, and Isak felt his chest go tight.

 

“No, I don’t know him,” admitted Isak. His brain was working too slowly to come up with a lie.

 

“I think he was into you,” said Mahdi, his face slowly curving into a sly smile. Isak couldn’t breathe, and opened his mouth to reply before realising he had no words.

 

Mahdi’s smile turned into a frown, and he stepped in a little closer to Isak, putting his hand on Isak’s arm.

 

“Sorry man, I didn’t mean to assume. If that’s not what you’re into, that’s chill. But if you are,” Mahdi paused to give Isak a nod and a cautious smile. “That’s okay too.”

 

It was probably the alcohol, but in a sudden surge of bravery Isak saw his opportunity and took it.

 

“It is. What I’m into, I mean,” blurted Isak, his heart racing.

 

Mahdi just nodded, his smile growing a little wider as he punched Isak in the arm.

 

“He was a good looking guy,” he said, his smile turning wicked as he added, “don’t know why he came after your ugly mug.”

 

Isak batted Mahdi over the head but laughed along with him, and he felt almost giddy as he realised he’d just told Mahdi he was into boys and Mahdi had barely blinked. It made Isak feel just a little bit lighter - a silver lining to the very large black cloud that was looming over his head.

 

*

 

Isak carried on drinking until there were black spots in his vision and his tongue felt too big for his mouth. He didn’t care anymore, or at least, he could pretend not to when all he could think about was the swaying bodies around him and the drink in his hands. He danced with people he’d never met before and was pulled into hugs with his friends who shouted into his ear and ruffled his hair before passing him another drink.

 

The room started to empty, people finally leaving for the night or falling asleep in various places of the house, and once Isak collapsed onto the nearest couch, everything came back to him in a rush. He remembered the state he’d left his mother in, and how she was probably just as bad now, alone and scared because Isak was too cowardly to stay with her. He remembered his father cutting off the money, and Isak being told he wasn’t good enough to compete in the one thing he could be proud of. All of the feelings that Isak had been shoving down rose up and came out of him in painful sobs that made his chest ache and his throat feel raw, and he hid his head in his hands as he shook and cried. Someone came and put their arm around Isak’s shoulders, their warmth pressing into him, and Isak let it happen, too exhausted to move.

 

The black points in his vision and his spinning head got worse and worse until everything went dark, and Isak fell into a dreamless sleep. The last thing he remembered was the person beside him leaving after smoothing the hair out of his sweaty face and draping a blanket over him.

 

*

 

When Isak woke up, he was immediately greeted with a splitting headache that made him wince and groan. As soon as he moved, his stomach churned and he groaned again, throwing his arm over his eyes and begging for sleep to come back to him so he could stop feeling so terrible.

 

He had no such luck though. Someone came into the room, singing terribly off key and slamming the door behind them. Isak sort of wanted to punch them.

 

“Oh, you’re awake!” said the person, their voice ringing painfully through Isak’s head.

 

Isak couldn’t even bear to open his eyes to see who was talking to him, so he just lifted his arm and waved lazily at them, wishing they would at least be a little quieter.

 

“I brought you coffee and painkillers. I figured you wouldn’t be able to stomach food just yet,” the person said. Their voice was much closer now, and Isak could smell the coffee they were holding. Just the mention of food made Isak’s stomach lurch, but coffee might make him feel a little more human.

 

Isak braved taking his arm off of his eyes as he squinted up to the person stood over him. It was the host of the party, the guy who had been wearing leggings covered in glitter as he danced on the tables. Now he was wearing an oversized t shirt and rainbow boxer shorts, but Isak still recognised his smile.

 

He handed Isak the coffee once Isak had managed to sit himself upright without feeling like he was going to vomit, before collapsing down on the sofa beside him.

 

“You were pretty drunk last night. Do you remember much?” asked the guy, and Isak wished he could remember his name. He was sure it began with an E.

 

Isak tried to think back to the night before, but it was all just flashes of colour and voices blurring together that made his head hurt even more. Isak shook his head and breathed in the smell of the coffee as he cradled it to his chest.

 

“Well, I’m Eskild, in case you forgot. And your friend Jonas couldn’t let you stay at his last night because his mum was home, so I said you could stay here,” Eskild explained. Isak vaguely remembered Jonas and Eskild talking to each other in hushed voices when Isak was curled up on the sofa.

 

“Thank you,” Isak mumbled, his voice hoarse and raw.

 

He suddenly noticed the clock on the wall, and realised it was way after ten, and that he hadn’t been home in over twelve hours. Isak got up, and instantly regretted it, shutting his eyes tightly and wishing the world would stop shaking under his feet.

 

“I should get going,” said Isak, trying to swallow down the bile in his throat. He wasn’t exactly sure how he was going to get home without passing out, but he’d already been out for far too long.

 

Isak downed the coffee and winced as it burned it’s way down, before looking around the room for his shoes and his coat.

 

“Hey, you don’t have to rush off so quickly,” said Eskild, and his voice sounded almost wary.

 

“I should really go. Thanks for the coffee, and for letting me stay,” Isak said, looking up to flash Eskild a smile before finding one of his shoes on the windowsill.

 

Isak found his other shoe stuffed between the cushions of the other sofa, and hopped into them as he made his way to the door. Just as Isak reached for the doorknob, Eskild stepped in front of him, his smile sympathetic.

 

“Listen, I don’t want to impose, but do you remember anything you told me last night?” Eskild asked, and Isak’s heart dropped.

 

He didn’t remember telling anyone anything, apart from telling Mahdi that he was into boys, but nothing bad came of that. He barely remembered speaking to Eskild other than to greet him, and Isak was terrified about what he’d said. Isak shook his head, feeling the blood drain from his face as Eskild sighed and stepped closer.

 

“You told me about home, about your mother and how hard it’s been. You begged me not to let you go back home, said you couldn’t cope any more.” Eskild looked miserable as he spoke to Isak, and Isak couldn’t stand the pity that oozed out of him.

 

“I was drunk and overreacting,” Isak insisted, forcing a smile. “I should really go.”

 

Eskild conceded with a sigh, stepping to the side as Isak pulled on his coat.

 

“Just so you know, one of my roommates is moving out. She’s going to live with her girlfriend, and if you want it, the room is yours,” said Eskild as Isak reached for the door, and it made Isak freeze.

 

He thought of a life away from the home that had suffocated him, one where he’d not have stress and worry weighing down on him all the time. A place where he could just be himself for the first time in a long time.

 

But his mother needed him, and he definitely didn’t have enough money to live in such a nice place. It wasn’t a luxury that Isak could afford, now or ever.

 

“I don’t have the money to rent a room,” Isak mumbled at his shoes.

 

“If you need it, it’s here. Don’t worry about money,” Eskild insisted, and Isak almost wanted to cry at how kind he was being. Eskild barely knew him and yet here he was, offering Isak a safe place to stay.

 

“Just think about it, okay? You can have my number and just let me know,” Eskild added, offering Isak a smile when he finally looked up.

 

Isak nodded and took Eskild’s number, his headache at least easing off a little as he thanked Eskild a thousand times before heading home. He’d probably never see Eskild again, and nothing would come out of the offer for the room, but it made Isak feel at least slightly better that the option was there.

 

*

 

Two nights later, Isak’s mother had another episode, and it was the last straw for Isak. He packed up what he needed quickly whilst on the phone with his father, demanding that he came home and ignoring all of the excuses he was given.

 

Once his father had turned up at the house, Isak left without another word, keeping his head down so that his dad wouldn’t see how hard he was crying as he hurried off down the street, sending a text to Eskild to ask for his address.

 

He’d been at Eskild’s for two weeks since then. He’d spent the first three days in bed, staring at the wall and only managing to give Eskild a half smile as thanks whenever he came into Isak’s room with food and tea for him. The guilt and the sadness knocked Isak off his feet, and made him feel like he couldn’t move or breathe without it being painful. It eased off slowly, and the first time Isak came out into the living room and sat in between Eskild and Linn, their other roommate, Eskild had looked positively delighted.

 

When Isak finally had the energy to start going to school again his friends didn’t mention how he’d spent almost a week off, and Isak was grateful for it. He told Jonas that he’d moved out of home and into Eskild’s, and Jonas just nodded in understanding, before making a joke that all of their pregames would have to be there from then on.

 

Isak had gotten the tram back towards home a few times to see Even, deciding to keep it a secret from him that he’d moved out. It was a little bit because it still felt surreal, still felt temporary and like everything would crumble soon enough. But it was mostly because Isak would have to explain why he’d moved out, and then Even would know just how much of a terrible person he was. He’d know how Isak had abandoned his mother when she needed him instead of staying to help her. He knew he was being short with Even, not being completely honest when they talked, and being as vague as possible so as not to let the truth slip. It hurt, but Isak couldn’t bear to tell Even what had been going on.

 

He never actually went to his own house, just to Even’s, but as far as he was aware his house was empty anyway. His father had sent him a text letting him know that his mother had been sent to a facility that was meant to help her, and Isak felt awful for the rush of relief that hit him. She had finally gotten the help she needed, and Isak just hoped it wasn’t too late.

 

Isak was settling into his new life, though he still often felt on edge. The exhaustion and sleepless nights hadn’t left him yet, but he felt much calmer than he had in a long time. Eskild cooked Isak meals and was endlessly kind to him, and Linn even took over Isak’s cleaning duties so that he could sleep in on a weekend. Isak felt like he didn’t deserve how nice they were being to him, especially since Eskild knew exactly what he had left behind, but it warmed his heart regardless.

 

Isak was getting used to nights squashed on the sofa with Eskild and Linn watching ridiculous reality shows that Eskild gave a running commentary for, and he felt more at home than he had in years.

 

On Isak’s third Saturday at the flat, the doorbell rang when both Eskild and Linn were out, and so Isak shuffled over to the door, still half asleep from dozing on the sofa all morning.

 

Isak’s heart rose up into his mouth when he swung open the door to find Even stood on the other side, his arms crossed and a stony expression on his face.

 

“Why did I have to hear from Jonas that you’ve moved out of home?” Even demanded. He barely ever got angry, but he sounded pretty close to it as he shoved past Isak and walked into the room.

 

Even didn’t give Isak time to answer as he carried on talking, throwing his arms in the air.

 

“I’ve been going to your house for the past four days to see you and never got an answer. You weren’t replying to my messages so I thought I’d text Jonas and ask him where you were, and he told me you’ve been living across town for _three weeks_. What the hell, Isak?”

 

Even’s expression changed from angry to hurt as he finished speaking, and Isak knew that he couldn’t keep it a secret anymore. He ran his hand through his hair with a sigh and shut his eyes to try and stop himself from crying again.

 

“Can we talk?” Isak croaked, motioning towards his room. If Even hated him after this, once he’d found out what Isak had done and how badly he’d messed up, Isak would understand. But that didn’t mean it wouldn’t hurt.

 

Even nodded and followed Isak to his room, shutting the door behind him. Isak took a deep breath, stuffing his hands into his pockets, crossing his fingers, and hoping for the best.

 

*

 

They ended up lying side by side on Isak’s bed as Isak told Even everything, right from the beginning. Isak stared up at the ceiling, and Even stared at Isak, reaching down to tangle their fingers together when tears began to spill. Isak told Even about how his mum had been ill for a while, about his father leaving, about the money being cut off. He told him about every sleepless night and being kicked out by coach, and then about Eskild and his offer of a room. Isak let it all out in a rush, giving Even no chance to speak in between.

 

When Isak was finally finished, he was brave enough to turn his head towards Even, watching for his reaction. Even had tears in his eyes as he rolled over on top of Isak and pulled him into a haphazard hug, knocking the breath out of Isak.

 

“Fuck, I’m so sorry, Isak,” Even mumbled into Isak’s shirt.

 

Isak wrapped his arms around Even in turn, despite the fact Even was crushing him, and frowned in confusion.

 

“For what?” he asked, letting go of Even when he rolled off of Isak to sit beside him, and holding a hand out to Isak so that he could sit up too.

 

“You’ve been dealing with this all on your own,” said Even, and he sounded distraught. “I knew something was up with you but I just thought you didn’t want us to spend as much time together.”

 

Isak snorted at just the thought that Even would assume that. He’d spend every moment with Even if he could.

 

“You’re only sixteen, and you’ve been alone all this time. I’d have broken down long before you have. You’re amazing,” Even added, reaching out to squeeze Isak’s hand.

 

Isak hung his head with a shrug, and turned his palm upwards so that he could hold Even’s hand again. He hadn’t been entirely sure how Even would react, but he certainly didn’t think it would be like this. He thought Even would think that he was terrible, that he’d realise Isak was a coward who was too childish to cope with his own problems. Isak had once again underestimated just how unbelievably kind Even was.

 

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner,” Isak mumbled.

 

“Did you not tell me because your mum is sick like me?” asked Even carefully, and Isak looked up to frown at Even. He didn’t even think of Even and his mum as the same, and the thought had never occurred to him. He shook his head, and Even sighed with relief, drawing patterns into the back of Isak’s hand.

 

“No more secrets, okay?” Even said, leaning forward to press his and Isak’s foreheads together.

 

Isak took a deep breath and shut his eyes, nodding, and Even pulled Isak into another bone crushing hug, still muttering apologies into his ear.

 

Isak didn’t have to be careful anymore, didn’t have to keep track of all of his secrets as he revelled in Even’s company. It felt so dizzyingly freeing, and Isak felt ridiculous for not doing it sooner. He still had sadness weighing cold and heavy in his bones, and the guilt hung around and constantly whispered in the back of his mind, but Isak also felt genuinely happy for the first time in a long time.

 

Even stayed close to Isak. Isak wasn’t entirely sure that Even was even aware he was doing it, but whenever Isak moved, Even shifted with him. Isak appreciated it regardless; Even’s body beside his own was a warm and comforting presence as they sat on Isak’s bed together.

 

“You know this isn’t your fault, right?” said Even, wrapping his arm around Isak’s middle as Isak let his head drop onto Even’s shoulder.

 

“What?” mumbled Isak, though he was fairly sure he knew what Even meant.

 

“All of this. Your mum being ill and your dad leaving. No one blames you for moving out, it doesn’t make you a bad person, you know?” Even explained, his voice vibrating through Isak as he spoke.

 

Isak should have stayed with his mum. He should have been there to take care of her for as long as she needed it. But if he was given the chance again, he knew he’d choose to move out rather than stay. He hated everyone thinking he was kind for staying as long as he did, when he should have stayed for longer. He hated that Eskild, Even, and Jonas had so much sympathy for him when he didn’t deserve it.

 

“I should have stayed. I should have _wanted_ to stay,” said Isak, his voice small.

 

“No. Don’t you dare beat yourself up about this.” Even said sternly.

Isak shuffled away from Even slightly, his shoulders pulled up to his ears and a knot in his throat. But Even reached down and tangled his and Isak’s fingers together again. He gave Isak’s hand a squeeze, and his voice was softer when he spoke again.

 

“I know you, Isak. You’ll spent a lifetime feeling guilty about this when there was nothing more you could have done. You had too much piled up on top of you, and just because you couldn’t manage it doesn’t mean you’re a failure.”

 

When Isak looked up, there was nothing but sincerity in Even’s eyes, and it made Isak’s chest tight. Even always had so much faith in him; he seemed to be able to see parts of Isak that no one else could. When he looked at Isak, he still insisted that he saw good in him, despite everything.

 

“I’m just so tired,” Isak said weakly, using his free hand to rub at his eyes.

 

Even reached out to push Isak’s hair out of his face, catching a stray tear that was rolling down Isak’s cheek with his thumb.

 

“You are the bravest person I know. The strongest too,” Even stated, and Isak rolled his eyes, earning a pinch from Even.

“And before you argue with me, you _are_. One day you’ll realise it,” insisted Even with a nod, flashing Isak a grin that Isak couldn’t help but return.

 

Isak didn’t want to think too hard about all of the things he’d done wrong, so he pushed them aside for now. He was warm and safe and happy in his own space with Even by his side, and for now, that was enough.


	3. Your heart is a slow train coming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Even was looking up at the sky, lips parted in wonder, and Isak watched Even, feeling something heavy and warm that he couldn’t name settle in his chest. If Isak could stay in a moment forever, he’d pick this one. It wasn’t full of energy, or a moment that anyone would count as spectacular, but it felt special regardless, felt like something that belonged to just him and Even. It was like he was living in a dream; untouchable and quiet and magical in a way Isak couldn’t explain."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, this part covers Isak's mental health issues in detail. Please make sure you're in the right headspace to read this if you choose to, and take care of yourself.
> 
> Massive thank you to [Sarah](http://canonicallyanxious.tumblr.com/) for beta'ing this for me, and to [Lyds](http://boxesfullofthoughts.tumblr.com/) for reading it through too. Thanks for putting up with my constant whining about this dumb story guys, you're the best <3
> 
> (Chapter title is from For The Foxes - Running Back To You. Tumblr post for this chapter is [here](http://call-this-a-mask.tumblr.com/post/168341986660/next-to-you-is-where-i-call-home-chapter-3))
> 
> Enjoy!

 

Bit by bit, Isak was slowly putting his life back together. It would never be the same as what it had been before, but Isak was starting to be okay with that. After three long months of feeling like Eskild and Linn’s flat wasn’t his home, he’d finally unpacked all of his things and found new places for his tin foil trophies and photos of his family and friends. It felt like his own space now, surrounded in memories both old and new, and since he’d finally begun paying rent, it was almost felt like he belonged there.

 

He still missed his old home in a way, but he knew the nostalgic memories he recalled were nothing like how it was before he left. Isak tried his best to not think back too much. Nostalgia was always a liar, and ignored the bad memories in favour of the good. Now that Isak was safe and didn’t have to spend every moment on edge waiting for the next bad thing to happen, it was easier to forget just how bad it had been.

 

He was still wracked with guilt though, guilt that curled around his lungs and squeezed, reminding him of what he’d left behind. He still hadn’t worked up the courage to go and visit his mother; he rang for updates every week, talking to the nurses and asking how she was. But every time they asked if he’d like to book a visit, he came up with an excuse and quickly hung up.

 

Isak felt like things were falling into place, and knew he had a lot of people supporting him - Even most of all. Isak was back on the running team, after Even had given Isak’s coach a very dramatic speech all about damaging Isak’s confidence and how the team was nothing without him. Isak had sniggered into his hands the whole time as Even waved his hands wildly about and talked non stop for ten minutes whilst Isak’s coach watched him, bewildered. Isak had a feeling that his coach had eventually agreed to allow Isak back on the team just to shut Even up, but he was so happy to be able to start training again that both he and Even couldn’t stop smiling for hours after.

 

Being back in training gave Isak the sense of normality he needed, and Autumn was his favourite time of year. He wasn’t in the blistering heat of summer anymore, but didn’t have numb fingers from the winter chill just yet. The streets were filled with bright colours from the falling leaves that crunched under his feet as he ran, and the breeze was cool enough to keep him going for a little bit longer.

 

“Wow, you are _so_ unfit,” Even joked. Isak was only a few weeks back into training, and he could only run half the distance he used to be able to. It was horribly frustrating, and Isak wanted to push and push until he could go as far as he used to, but he had Even there to pull him back and insist he paced himself.

 

“Shut the fuck up,” wheezed Isak, but both he and Even were laughing together as they ran side by side.

 

“Shall we turn around and head back to yours? I think we’ve done enough for today,” Even suggested. He tried to make it sound nonchalant, but Isak could hear it was laced with concern.

 

“I can go a little further,” Isak insisted, trying to ignore the burning in his legs and the way he could barely get in enough air.

 

“You’ve done enough, Isak. Let’s go back, I’m tired anyway,” Even said. Isak could tell that he was lying though, from the way that he was holding himself back to keep at pace with Isak, and he was barely even sweating.

 

Isak came abruptly to a halt with a sigh, and Even slowed to a stop and turned to face him, frowning.

 

“Even, I’m not going to break,” Isak snapped, running his hand through his hair.

 

Even had been endlessly kind and supportive since he’d found out about why Isak had moved out of home. He confessed to Isak that he felt guilty for not realising something was wrong, and ever since then he’d seemed to be trying to make up for it. Isak didn’t know how to explain to Even that just having him around was comfort enough for Isak, that Even made him happy without even trying.

 

Even’s frown grew deeper and he took a step closer to Isak so that he could squeeze his wrist.

 

“I’m sorry,” Even sighed. “You just always push yourself too hard and never know when to stop. That’s what I’m here for,” he added, prodding Isak in the chest with a small smile.

 

Isak returned Even’s smile with an exasperated roll of his eyes, batting Even’s finger away.

 

“If I promise to start pacing myself a little more, do you promise to stop worrying so much?” Isak bargained. Even put his hand across his heart and nodded solemnly, making Isak snort.

 

“Good. Now let’s head back to mine. You’re cooking, and no healthy shit. I want carbs,” announced Isak, turning for home and setting off running, but smiling to himself when he could hear Even’s loud laugh behind him.

 

Isak was still a little taken aback by the warm wave of familiarity that rushed over him whenever  he came home to the flat. It was always so warm and filled with the sound of Eskild’s music, or the hum of the television when Linn fell asleep on the sofa whilst watching a movie. As Isak walked through the door and kicked off his shoes with Even just behind him, he could hear pots clattering in the kitchen, along with someone humming off-key. He called out a hello, and sure enough Eskild appeared out of the kitchen with a wide grin and a wooden spoon in his hand.

 

“Hello there, sweaty roommate,” said Eskild with a nod to Isak, before turning to Even.  
“And hello, sweaty roommate’s friend who might as well live here too,” he added with a wink.

 

“Hi Eskild,” Isak replied tiredly, ducking his head to hide his smile. Eskild was so easy to get along with. Though he was loud and extravagant and sometimes a little too over the top for Isak, he always had the best intentions. He had taken a complete stranger into his home because he saw that Isak needed help, and had supported Isak so much already, through covering his rent, to making his meals, to even just making sure that he got Isak to smile a few times a day. Eskild had quickly become one of Isak’s favourite people, despite the fact he always woke Isak up far too early on weekends.

 

“Hi Eskild,” Even chirped. “If you wait ten minutes while I shower, I’ll cook us all some food.”

 

“Brilliant!” Eskild replied, waving his spoon in the air. “That saves me a job, and saves us all being poisoned by Isak’s cooking.”

 

Isak scowled at Eskild then turned his glare towards Even.

 

“I live here, so I get to shower first,” Isak insisted.

 

Even stuck his tongue out at Isak, before pulling off his shirt and throwing it at Isak’s face, making Isak grimace and curse.

 

“If you want me to cook, you have to let me shower first,” Even retorted, already making his way towards the bathroom.

 

Isak flipped Even off and threw the shirt back, missing Even completely.

 

*

 

Because Isak was the only one who lived away from home, his flat was often used as the meeting point for his friends, especially before parties. Isak didn’t mind going to parties as much anymore, though sometimes he only stayed with his friends until they left his flat to crash some house party, then he retreated to bed. Isak had come out to the rest of his friends a month after moving into Eskild’s, because once he’d told Even everything about home and his mother, he realised how much it hurt holding onto secrets.

 

He told Jonas first, after a few talks about it with Mahdi, Even, and Eskild. Eskild was gay, and was almost terrifyingly confident about it. Isak had hesitantly asked Eskild how he had the confidence to flirt with guys at parties, after seeing the boy with the dark hair and kind smile at another party and promptly running away from him before their eyes met. Eskild had explained that he used to be terrified of even just making friends with boys, at the fear they’d get the wrong idea or somehow know he was gay.

 

“It takes time to be confident about it, Isak,” Eskild had said, his mouth curling up into a sly grin. “You don’t just become a champion flirter like I am overnight.”

 

Isak had snorted and rolled his eyes.

 

“You’re a terrible flirter, I’ve seen you flirt. You just try and climb the poor guy like a tree and hope he lets you,” muttered Isak, earning a dramatic gasp from Eskild.

 

“I’ll have you know, my little grasshopper, that I am _the_ best flirter. I could get anyone I wanted,” he replied haughtily, making Isak laugh.

 

Eskild’s face softened after that, and he gave Isak’s arm a squeeze as he made his way past him and out of the kitchen.

 

“It takes a while to be confident, but it helps if you have friends that know and can support you,” he added quietly, before winking at Isak and disappearing back to his room.

 

He told Jonas when they were sat on the benches outside of school, eating their lunches side by side and watching the other students pass by.

 

“God, the first years this year look five years older than when we were first years,” said Jonas, frowning at a group of first year girls sat across from them who were huddled together and laughing loudly.

 

“We both looked like we were babies in first year,” sniggered Isak.

 

“Speak for yourself!” said Jonas, turning his scowl on Isak and prodding at his cheeks. “You had the whole chubby cheeks and blonde curls thing going on. I remember someone asking me if you’d skipped three grades.”

 

They laughed with each other, but their laughter was cut short when the group of first year girls appeared in front of them, all smiling shyly and twiddling their hair between their fingers. One of the girls stepped forward and announced that she was hosting a party, and that she’d like Jonas and Isak to come. She was obviously flirting with Jonas, laughing at his lame jokes and edging closer to him, and Isak made sure to stare at his shoes so that he didn’t catch any of the other girl’s eyes.

 

Once they had gone, and Jonas and Isak had agreed to the party, Jonas turned to Isak with a wide grin.

 

“She was really into you,” said Isak, elbowing Jonas in the ribs and grinning back at him.

 

“She was nice, but not my type,” said Jonas with a shrug, before elbowing Isak back. “What about you? That blonde girl kept staring at you.”

 

“Not my type either,” Isak replied automatically. It was always his default answer when his friends pointed out a girl, and Isak often wondered when they would realise that _no_ girl was his type.

 

Jonas just nodded and went back to his sandwich, but Isak took a deep breath, ignored how his heart was hammering and mumbled -

 

“I like boys, not girls.”

 

Jonas didn’t even look up from his sandwich, just nodded and leant over to bump his and Isak’s shoulders together.

 

“That’s chill,” he said simply, then turned flash Isak another grin that made Isak feel warm all over. He leaned on Jonas just a little more for the rest of lunch, and if Jonas had noticed, he never mentioned it.

 

He told Magnus whilst he and the other boys were round one Saturday, all sat on the sofa and playing video games together. Magnus was hissing and swearing at the screen as he moved the controller about wildly, as if it would improve his game. Isak won, and Magnus had complained and insisted that Isak must have cheated, whilst Isak smiled smugly and announced that for losing, Magnus was to buy the beer for the next pre-game. They had made a deal years ago that the winner always got to make a request at the end of a video game, and usually chose something small, like the loser treating them to a kebab or buying beer.

 

“Fuck, that is so unfair,” Magnus had groaned, resting his head on the back of the sofa. Isak, Jonas, and Mahdi just laughed together, making sympathetic noises as he complained.

 

“What were you going to ask for, Mags?” asked Mahdi, reaching over to ruffle his hair.

 

“There’s a girl I’ve been wanting to ask out, but I heard she’s into Isak,” whined Magnus, leaning forward to put his head in his hands “I was going to ask Isak if I could see if she wanted to date me before he makes a move.”

 

All of the boys groaned in unison at that, and Mahdi reached over once more - this time to bat Magnus over the head.

 

“Dude, Isak doesn’t own this girl, what the fuck? It’s her decision, asking Isak won’t make you any more likely to get a date,” Jonas said with a snort, before turning to Isak and giving him a pointed look. Isak looked over to his right to see Mahdi giving him the exact same look, letting him know that this was his chance.

 

“Do what you want, man, but I can’t guarantee she’ll want to date your ugly mug,” Isak muttered nonchalantly, even though he could feel the spike of nerves prickling up the back of his neck.

“I wouldn’t date her anyway.”

  


Magnus head snapped round to Isak, and he looked positively scandalised.

 

“What the fuck? She’s a goddess. If you wouldn’t date her, who would you date?” he asked.

 

“Boys,” Isak blurted in a choked voice, snapping his mouth shut and shutting his eyes the second the word left his mouth.

 

There was one, two, three beats of silence, before Mahdi and Jonas burst into fits of laughter, clutching their stomachs. Isak opened his eyes to see Magnus staring at him with his mouth wide open.

 

When Magnus had recovered, he shut his mouth and scowled at Isak instead, leaning closer to punch him in the arm.

 

“You could have let me know you were gay _before_ I almost wasted my winning request on a girl,” he complained, before tilting his head and adding, “wait, you are gay, right? Not bi, or whatever Even is.”

 

“Pan,” the other three boys echoed immediately. It had become second nature to all of them.

 

“Yes, I’m gay, Magnus,” said Isak, and the thrill he got from being to say that out loud so easily was sort of pathetic. “You were never going to win anyway, so don’t worry about it.”

 

Magnus had demanded a rematch after that, and no one mentioned Isak coming out for the rest of the day, but each of his friends pulled him into a bone crushing hug before they left, and Isak went to sleep with a smile on his face.

 

Being out to his friends had made everything seem so much easier, like Eskild had said. It didn’t immediately solve everything - Isak still couldn’t talk to boys at parties without worrying who was watching. Regardless, it was nice to know his friends supported him, even if sometimes they supported him a little _too_ much.

 

“Hey, Isak. A friend of mine has just split up with his _boyfriend_ ,” Magnus began after he’d drained his drink, waggling his eyebrows at Isak whilst the other four boys groaned. They were all sat in Isak’s kitchen, with Even taking the role of choosing the music a little too seriously, and Mahdi and Jonas in a heated debate about something Isak didn’t quite understand.

 

“Stop, Mags,” whined Isak, letting his head drop to the table.

 

“He’s a nice guy! Handsome too,” Magnus insisted, prodding at Isak’s arm.

 

Isak’s friends, for some reason, had made it their goal to find someone for Isak to hook up with, even though he’d told them plenty of times that he didn’t want them to. He figured it was them trying to compensate for years of trying to hook him up with girls instead of boys. He loved his friends and how they always tried their best, but he was also completely exhausted with them pairing him off with any gay guy they found.

 

“I’m pretty sure Isak could find someone if he wanted to, guys,” Even insisted with a laugh, and Isak raised his head off the table to give Even a grateful smile.

 

Isak was out to his friends, and was slowly coming to terms with the fact he liked boys and not girls, but it was still an uphill battle. He had a lot of nasty little thoughts still buried at the back of his mind, letting him know that he was different, and different was wrong. He was steadily plucking out those thoughts, one by one, but just the thought of even just kissing a boy made him sick with nerves. He’d talked to it about Even before, and Even had told him that he’d felt the exact same way.

 

“There’s a lot of things you learn as you grow up,” Even had said. “And most things are good, but some are bad, like thinking anything other than just liking the opposite sex is normal. It takes time to unlearn those bad things and replace them with good, but you’ll get there.”

 

Isak hadn’t known just how many bad things he had inside of him until he started to pick them out and look at them. It often felt like getting rid of them could be possible, especially with his friends around him, but sometimes it just made him feel uncomfortable.

 

Magnus sighed loudly, pulling Isak back to the present.

 

“I’m just trying to be a good friend,” Magnus protested, sticking his chin in the air and crossing his arms with a huff.

 

Isak sighed and patted Magnus on the back, trying not to roll his eyes at his friend.

 

“I appreciate it, Mags. But I’m okay, really,” said Isak, glaring at his other friends when they sniggered into their hands.

 

Magnus was never one to be discouraged quickly, so spent the next ten minutes showing Isak various pictures of his friend, whilst the other boys crowded around Magnus’ phone, examining him.

 

“He’s got a nice smile,” offered Jonas.

 

Mahdi hummed in agreement. “Nice eyes, too,” he added.

 

Even agreed with the two other boys, before admitting with a shrug that the guy wasn’t his type.

 

“I don’t like his hair,” Even said when Magnus demanded a reason.

 

“You can’t just shoot him down because you don’t like his hair!” protested Magnus with a scowl.

 

“Hair is important, Magnus. It totally changes how a person looks,” Even insisted.

 

Isak snorted a laugh and prodded Even’s cheek.

 

“Is that why you spend so much time on your hair every day? Because you’d be ugly without it?” he joked.

 

Even muttered a fuck you and punched Isak in his arm, but Isak could see him trying hard to fight a smile.

 

Magnus gave Isak an elbow in the ribs, pointing to the screen.

 

“What do you think, Isak?” he asked, as if Isak’s opinion meant more than everyone else's.

 

Isak just shrugged, making a noncommittal noise as he looked again at the screen.

 

“Not my type, I guess,” he mumbled.

 

Magnus frowned again, tilting his head to the side. “Well, what _is_ your type?” he asked.

 

The other three boys turned to stare at Isak, and Isak wanted to sink into the floor.

 

“I don’t know! Just not him,” he said, throwing his arms in the air exasperatedly. His voice was a little too harsh, too loud for the mood of the room. A cold silence fell down on them, making Isak’s muscles tense.

 

He still struggled to talk about it, still wasn’t sure if he was allowed to look at boys, allowed to choose which ones he thought were good looking. It was strange to talk about it with his friends, despite him hearing the same sort of conversation a thousand times over whenever they had talked about girls.

 

“I know that feeling,” Magnus said with an understanding nod. “There’s just too many hot people in the world.”

 

Jonas snorted and slung his arm around Magnus’ shoulders. “Yeah,” he agreed, “and not a single one of them want to date you.”

 

The whole room erupted into laughter again, making the tension from before dissipate entirely, and Isak sighed with relief.

 

He was learning how to be himself without pretences, and he was lucky his friends were such good people who never pushed him too far or never treated him differently. He just wished he could get rid of the awful, skin crawling feeling that made him squirm whenever he thought about it.

 

His friends left for a party Mahdi had talked his way into just before midnight, but Isak chose to stay behind, already drained from just the few hours he’d spent with them. He loved his friends, and loved spending time with them, but all of the noise and chaos seemed to slowly sap all of the energy from him. He needed time to recover, just to let his mind quiet back down and rest, so he could recharge again.

 

Even stayed behind too to help Isak clean up, and they tidied the kitchen in silence, Even picking up all of the empty cans whilst Isak cleaned the surfaces. Isak liked quiet, he always had. He liked having his own space where he could just exist with no expectations or roles to fill. He’d spent a lot of time alone as a child whilst his parents were either arguing or nowhere to be seen; he’d spend hours in his room reading book after book with his music on loud. It was why he loved running too, with nothing around but the track stretching out in front of him, and the pounding of his feet clearing every other thought from his head.

 

Though Isak had never said it, Even seemed to know. He was happy to stay in silence with Isak for as long as he needed it, and always made sure to give him space when Isak felt like the walls were closing in on him. Even never felt like too much to Isak, never too loud or overbearing, and he never expected a single thing from Isak but his quiet company.

 

Isak asked if Even wanted to stay over, though he knew what the answer would be. Even stayed over at Isak’s almost every weekend; he seemed to like Isak living away from home as much as his other friends did. Isak understood; there was something special about having his very own space. Though moving out had came a lot sooner than he’d thought, and Isak still missed home, he loved living with Eskild and Linn. Marte had even come over for a few sleepovers with Even and Isak, much to her delight, and Isak knew how lucky he was to be where he was.

 

“Did you not want to go to the party?” asked Isak as he and Even finished cleaning up.

 

Even turned to Isak and smiled, filling up two glasses of water before handing one to Isak.

 

“You know house parties aren’t really my thing. Too much noise and terrible dancing,” Even said.

 

“God, you sound so old,” joked Isak, rolling his eyes before walking out of the kitchen and towards his room, laughing when he heard Even curse behind him.

 

“I _am_ old,” said Even, following Isak to his room and shutting the door behind them. “I’m almost nineteen, and we have training tomorrow. Training with a hangover is hell.”

 

“You should learn to handle your drink better. You’re always wasted after three beers,” jeered Isak, settling down on his bed.

 

Even crawled in beside him, pulling his phone out of his pocket and scrolling through it absentmindedly. He stretched his legs out and propped himself up against the headboard, tapping his foot to a rhythm Isak couldn’t hear. Even had slept on the sofa the first time he stayed over, but had spent the entire next day complaining about how much his back hurt. He’d also been rudely awaken by Eskild ridiculously early the next morning as he sang and danced his way through his usual morning routine. Luckily, Isak had a double bed, as opposed to Even’s far too small bed in his room, so Isak relented and let Even share on the nights he stayed, even though it meant he’d often wake up with Even’s arm across his face or Even drooling on his pillow.

 

“Can I remind you of the first time you drank and came to training with a wicked hangover? You threw up all over coach’s shoes and we had to lie and say you had a stomach bug,” said Even, turning to grin at Isak.

 

Having a best friend that remembered every embarrassing moment of your life was so annoying sometimes. Isak just rolled his eyes and ignored Even’s sniggering.

 

Isak pushed the sheets down before crawling under them and pulling up to his chin, turning on his side to watch Even. Even was still on his phone, his mouth curled up in an absentminded smile, the light of the screen illuminating his face. Isak just watched him, his own eyes heavy with sleep and the tension of the day slowly fading away from him. There was no sound in the room except for Even’s steady breathing and the quiet ticking of Isak’s alarm clock.

 

Isak tried to imagine life without Even in it, without his constant presence. Whether it was them side by side in silence as they were now, or Isak falling asleep with his phone in his hand, the screen filled with texts from his best friend. Even was a permanent fixture in Isak’s life, the person who filled up most of his days, and life would be so empty without him.

 

Even’s voice suddenly interrupted the quiet, making Isak jump.

 

“Why are you staring at me?” he asked, turning to look at Isak with one eyebrow raised.

 

“I wasn’t staring at you,” Isak scoffed.

 

“Yes you were,” Even insisted. “You were watching me with that look on your face.”

 

Isak frowned. “What _look?_ ”

 

“The look you get when you’re thinking too hard about something,” Even said simply with a shrug.

 

Isak rolled his eyes and pulled the sheets up further so that they were just under his nose, burying further into his bed before reaching out to kick Even in the knee.

 

“I was just wondering how an idiot like you could even exist,” Isak retorted, his voice muffled from his duvet nest.

 

Even laughed loudly, his eyes shining and he threw his head back as his laughter echoed through the once quiet room.

 

“I’m the eighth wonder of the world,” he said, still laughing.

 

Even put his phone on the floor beside him, before crawling under the sheets himself and turning to mirror Isak’s position, facing him as he settled into his space with a yawn.

 

Though Isak had a lot of friends and people that cared about him, he often felt like he was on a different wavelength to them, another frequency that overlapped, but wasn’t quite the same. He was used to feeling just slightly out of place, and spending time with others sapped the energy from him and made him want to retreat back into his own space. Even was different though, Even was on the exact same frequency as Isak, and spending time with him was never a chore. Being with Even was comfortable and easy, and it always had been since they first met. Isak knew that without Even, there’d be a big gap in his life that he was sure no one else could fill.

 

“Can you imagine what life would be like if we weren’t friends?” asked Isak. His eyes were struggling to stay open, and his limbs felt heavy and limp, and he was sure he wouldn’t be able to stay awake for much longer.

 

“No,” Even replied shortly. His eyes were shut now, his hands folded under his head and his long legs tucked up to his chest.

 

“No?” prompted Isak.

 

“We’ll always be friends,” replied Even, opening one eye to smile at Isak. “You’re never getting rid of me.”

 

“What if we’d have never met?” Isak asked, his words slurring as he fought sleep to hear Even’s answer.

 

“Impossible. Even if we didn’t meet each other when we did, we’d meet another time in another way. Even in all of those infinite universes you believe exist, we’re friends in every single one.”

 

Isak tried to think of a response, wanted to ask Even how he could be so sure, how he could answer Isak without hesitation. He decided instead on a snarky joke about the probability of infinite universes, but when he opened his mouth to speak, he realised Even had already fallen asleep.

 

Isak shut his mouth and smiled instead, taking one last look at Even before reaching out and shutting off the lamp beside his bed. Isak thought of a universe somewhere, where a version of himself was falling asleep alone, waking up without a text from his best friend in the morning. Isak felt inexplicably lucky to be in this universe with Even right by his side.

 

*

 

Isak had gotten into a routine three days a week of taking the longer route home so that he could pass by a certain coffee shop before he went back to the flat. He met Even there for coffee on the days they had agreed not to train, mostly just to see each other. Isak usually used his time there to do his homework, since the flat was often filled with Eskild and his friends and their loud music.

 

As Isak pushed his way through the doors, the bell chiming above his head, he spotted Even sat at their usual spot, with Sonja beside him and three mugs and two cookies in front of them.

 

Isak collapsed into his seat, dropping his back beside him, before greeting both Sonja and Even with a nod and a grin. Sonja grinned right back as Even wordlessly pushed over one of the cookies and a mug of hot chocolate over to Isak.

 

“What work have you got to do today?” asked Even as Sonja split the other cookie in half and handed the larger half over to Even along with a kiss on the cheek.

 

“Science,” Isak said with a smile. Last time they were there he’d had an english essay to write, and he’d complained the entire time whilst Even tried to make sense of it with him.

 

Sonja’s face lit up and she leant across the table, her eyes shining.

 

“Did you see that study I sent you?” she asked, and Isak couldn’t help but match her bright smile.

 

Isak and Sonja had found common ground in their love of the sciences, and Isak had often had late night phone calls with Sonja talking him through his latest project or essay. She had an incredible analytical mind, and Isak loved talking to her about research either of them had found.

 

“Yes! It was so cool. I wanted to do this assignment on it, actually,” Isak replied.

 

Sonja’s smile grew even wider as she pulled her chair around the table to sit beside Isak, immediately diving into a conversation about the study she had sent Isak the night before. Isak listened to her carefully, pulling out his notebook to show her the notes he’d made on it, but both of them paused when they heard a loud sigh.

 

Even was sat scowling at them with his chin resting in his hands and his elbows propped on the table, and he sighed loudly once more.

 

“Why do I feel like _I’m_ the third wheel in this group?” lamented Even, pouting at Isak and Sonja.

 

Isak snorted as Sonja rolled her eyes, before smiling sweetly and reaching out to pat Even’s hand.

 

“Because you are. Isak actually _listens_ to me talk science, so I like him more than you,” she said.

 

Isak sniggered into his hands as Even gasped and put his hand to his heart in mock offense.

 

“I listen to you!” he protested.

 

“No you don’t, you pretend to listen. There’s a difference,” Sonja insisted.

 

Isak nudged Sonja’s arm and tilted his head in Even’s direction. “Does he do that thing where he just nods and hums along with everything but you can see that his eyes have totally glazed over?” he asked Sonja.

 

Isak heard Even gasp again, and Sonja burst out laughing.

 

“Yes! He does exactly that,” she giggled. Isak laughed along with her.

 

Even huffed and crossed his arms across his chest, scowling at Isak and Sonja.

 

“You two are the worst,” he muttered.

 

Sonja tutted and got out of her chair, perching herself in Even’s lap before kissing him on the cheek and combing her hands through his hair. Isak could see Even pursing his lips to try and stop himself from smiling as he leant into Sonja’s touch.

 

“You love us,” she mumbled into his hair, before pressing a kiss there too.

 

Even gave in and wrapped his arm around Sonja’s waist, holding her close, and Isak didn’t miss the way he held on to her a little tighter, his face dropping into a frown when Sonja turned away from him. They weren’t the type of couple to be overly affectionate in public - mostly kisses on the cheeks and linking their fingers together when they were sat side by side. But lately they’d been different. They were holding each other for a little longer than usual, and Isak had noticed the looks shared between them, as if something was weighing them both down. Isak wanted to ask but didn’t know how, so he just offered them both a kind small before launching back into a conversation about his latest project with Sonja. Even kept his chin propped on Sonja’s shoulder the whole time, and kept watching her talk as if he were trying to memorise her face.

 

*

 

When Isak’s phone ringing incessantly woke him up in the early hours of the morning, his heart immediately dropped. He’d had similar calls a few times before, and though he was used to them, it didn’t mean they got any easier. When his mother had a particularly bad night, she had to be taken to hospital, and when she was, her family was informed. They used to ring Isak’s father to let him know, but he was always conveniently busy, so most of the time they’d call Isak instead. They were always polite, and told him which ward she was on in case he ever wanted to visit, but he never did.

 

She’d been good for a while now, responding to her medication, and she apparently liked her new therapist, so the phonecall felt like too much of a giant step back after so many baby steps forward. When he hung up, his hands were shaking and tears were scratching at his throat as the sadness squeezed around his heart and made it hard to breathe. He thought of his mother, alone and scared in a too bright hospital room with people she didn’t know, and the guilt washed over him in waves and he sat on the edge of his bed and cried.

 

Isak knew there was no hope of sleep, so once he could finally stop the sobs from escaping his chest he rubbed at his eyes furiously with his sleeve before hauling himself upright. He shuffled his way towards the kitchen, and frowned when he noticed the TV was on in the living room, playing reruns of Eskild’s favourite reality show. Linn was huddled up on the couch, a blanket draped around her shoulders and a bowl full of popcorn on her lap, and when she heard Isak come towards her, she turned to him and gave him a small smile.

 

“Can’t sleep?” she asked, her face illuminated blue by the TV screen. Linn slept a lot, and didn’t talk much, but Isak sort of loved her company. She never pushed for conversation, never put any pressure on spending time with her, and always respected Isak’s boundaries.

 

When Isak had bad days where getting out of bed seemed like an impossible task, she’d make sure to cook a little bit of extra food and leave it for him with his name posted on a note next to it for when he could face eating. He and Linn had a quiet understanding, and though Isak knew they’d never spend their nights pouring out their souls to one another, he appreciated having her around.

 

Isak shook his head, and Linn immediately patted the space on the sofa beside her. When Isak sat down, she draped half of the sheet across his shoulders, and moved the popcorn to rest between them, gesturing to the half full bowl. Isak stayed by Linn’s side, wrapped in her blanket and eating popcorn whilst they watched TV in silence. Sometimes this was all Isak needed, just space to be present and time to not think. Isak had a feeling that Linn understood, that she appreciated silence and peace and time when the world got too overwhelming. It made it a little easier to breathe, sat beside Linn with the white noise of the television washing over him.

 

Isak fell asleep and dreamt that he was running down an empty hospital corridor that didn’t seem to have an end. He was alone, and there was nothing but the fluorescent lights stinging his eyes and the sound of his mother crying.

 

When Isak woke up on the sofa, he had the blanket wrapped around him and the television was off. Linn had left him to retreat back to bed, and Isak was alone with his thoughts once again.

 

*

 

There was just a week left until Isak’s first competition since he’d gotten back into training, and the nerves were hitting him harder than they ever had done before. He still had Even making sure that he didn’t push himself too hard before he was ready, and though Isak knew that he was right, it was still endlessly frustrating. He was sick of his limbs feeling detached from him, like he had no control of them, and sick of only being half as good as he used to be.

 

“You just need to give yourself time,” Even reassured as they slowed back down to a walk so they could both catch their breaths.

 

“I gave myself time and I’m still not even close to being back on form,” Isak grumbled between gasps.

 

“It’s not just your fitness though, Isak. I know you’re still not sleeping great, and then there’s everything with your mum still on your mind,” said Even, and Isak sighed in defeat.

 

He still felt tired the second he woke up, before he’d even started the day he felt like he’d ran out of energy. Everything was still difficult, and there was so many things weighing him down. He hated it.

 

They walked in silence for a while, before Even spoke up again.

 

“How is your mum?” he asked.

 

“Not so good,” Isak admitted with a shrug. It was still strange being honest, when usually his default answer was to just insist things were fine. Even was patient with him, and never pushed. He just walked by Isak side and waited, giving Isak an encouraging smile when he caught his eye.

 

Isak frowned and thought of the phone call two nights ago. It had left a pain in his chest that he hadn’t been able to shake since.

 

“She relapsed and had to go back into hospital. She’s back out now, but it’s just another step back for her,” Isak mumbled.

 

“This stuff isn’t black and white, Isak, and her recovery won’t be linear. There’ll always be bad days, but you have to focus on the good ones,” said Even, reaching out to give Isak’s shoulder a squeeze.

 

“I just want her to be okay,” Isak replied quietly, hanging his head.

 

“She will be,” promised Even. “Are you feeling up to visiting her yet?” he added carefully. Even knew it was a sensitive subject, that it made guilt prickle uncomfortably across Isak’s skin, but he knew Isak couldn’t just hide from it.

 

Even was teaching Isak how to think about his feelings more. To dissect them and look at them carefully, try and work out what they meant and where to put them in his thoughts. Isak used to push them away or squash them down just for them to inevitably rise up again and cloud his mind, but now he tried his best to stop and think about them, even if it hurt.

 

“I don’t think so,” Isak admitted, curling his hands up into fists and digging his nails into the palm of his hand. “I feel like I need to get myself together first before I can be there for her, too.”

 

“That’s okay, you know,” said Even softly.

 

“No it’s _not_ ,” Isak answered shortly, gritting his teeth. It wasn’t okay, none of it was okay and he was selfish for leaving his mother alone and hurting for so long. His whole life felt like a mess still, little pieces of him scattered in every direction that he was still desperately trying to collect together.

 

“Yes it _is_ ,” Even argued immediately, before shutting his eyes and running his hand through his hair like he always did when he was frustrated. Even just didn’t understand. He was Isak’s best friend so was always on his side, like he’d promised to be. But sometimes Isak wished Even would just admit Isak wasn’t a good person for what he’d done.

 

Even took a deep breath and tugged at his hair before he spoke again.

 

“You can’t be there for your mum if you’re still feeling so bad. You need to take care of yourself before you take care of others, or else you won’t help anyone. You’ll just burn out.”

 

Even was right, and Isak knew it. He’d been no help to his mother before when he was at breaking point, because he was barely able to take care of himself, let alone her too. But he was sick of being stuck in the in between, where he almost had hope, could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it still seemed so far away.

 

Even seemed to notice the conversation was over for now, and Isak appreciated the space to think. They set off jogging side by side once more, both of them lost in their own thoughts, and Isak let Even’s words turn over in his mind, trying to let them settle. Isak wondered when he’d feel ready to go and visit his mother, and it scared him that he felt as though he never would be.

 

As they came to the end of Even’s street, where Isak and Even would part ways, Even stopped to stand in front of Isak. His chest was still heaving from their run, and his cheeks and the tops of his ears crimson red as he offered Isak a smile and reached out to push Isak’s hair from his eyes.

 

“Just take it one step at a time, you’ll figure things out bit by bit,” he said.

 

“It just feels like too much,” Isak muttered defeatedly. There was just so many pieces, so many broken things to fix, and he felt like he was always swimming against the tide. It was like there was a clock above his head that he could hear ticking, and it made him feel uneasy every day he felt no closer to figuring things out.

 

“That’s because you’re trying to do it all at once, as fast as you can. Treat it like a marathon, Isak, not a sprint,” said Even.

 

Isak snorted at the analogy, but he supposed it made sense. Isak was trying to rush, because there was so much he still needed to fix, so many aspects of his life he needed to get together. It was impossible though, he knew that; he needed to pace himself so that he didn’t burn out too soon, needed to pick his pace and keep it.

 

Even was the best at knowing how to get to Isak, especially when Isak’s thoughts were such an indecipherable mess. Isak barely understood himself sometimes, so never expected anyone to be able to empathise with him. But Even did, somehow. Not always, but more often than not, Even found a way of putting things in order for Isak, giving him space to think rather than just be surrounded by a jumble of thoughts. Isak was sure that Even didn’t even know just how much he helped Isak, even when all he could do was tell a ridiculous joke or just lay by Isak when everything felt too heavy.

 

Even interrupted Isak’s train of thought by tapping on Isak’s shoe with his foot.

 

“Hey, do you want to come in for a while? Mum’s been asking about you, and Marte wants someone’s hair to practice braiding on. She refuses to touch mine, says it’s too sticky,” Even said with a grin and a fond roll of his eyes.

 

Isak burst out laughing and nodded, setting off walking towards Even’s front door with him.

 

“That’s because you’re vain and you use an entire tub of hair gel every single morning,” Isak said, reaching out to ruffle Even’s hair. Even ducked away from him, laughing along with Isak.

 

“My hair is a work of art,” he protested, sticking his chin in the air.

 

“We’ll let Marte be the judge of that. Let’s see whose hair she’d rather use her glittery butterfly clips on, shall we?” said Isak with a smug grin, laughing at Even’s indignant noises as he pushed his way through the front door.

 

*

 

Isak got home that night smiling from his day at Even’s house, with a few of Marte’s butterfly clips still buried in his hair. He tried to pull them out as he made his way to his room, calling a hello out into the house, but receiving no reply. Isak sat down on his bed and pulled off his jacket, but not before he found something in his pocket and pulled it out, frowning. There was a note folded up, a piece of paper from Even’s sketchbook, and at the top was a little cartoon Isak running across the page. The page had _‘Isak’s marathon’_ scrawled across the top in Even’s messy handwriting, and below it were a line of bullet points down the column. Most of the bullet points were empty, and Isak assumed Even had left them so that Isak could fill them in for himself. Only the bottom point had been written next to, and all it said was _“BE HAPPY”_ in capital letters, underlined twice and surrounded by stars.

 

Isak laughed to himself and rolled his eyes, but still took one of the butterfly clips and used it to clip the note onto the lamp on his desk.

 

He filled in the first bullet point, writing _‘visit mum’_ , in small writing. Even just the thought of it made his stomach turn, but he knew he couldn’t avoid it forever, and he hoped that soon he could walk into his mother’s room and hug her tight and apologise for everything. He was scared of how she’d react, or if she’d even recognise him. She had days of barely knowing who he was when they lived together, so he wondered if she’d have forgotten him entirely after months of not seeing him. It would break Isak’s heart, but he knew that his mother needed him regardless, and he wanted to be good enough to take care of her when they finally reunited.

 

For the rest of the week, Isak filled in each bullet point until they all had something beside them, from him promising to cook a meal for Eskild and Linn instead of them cooking for him, to him wanting to get fitter so he could at least come in the top four for his up and coming competitions. Isak looked at the note every day, with the doodle of Isak at the top, and the last point covered in stars that made him smile every time he saw it.

 

It was daunting. Isak was still exhausted and felt like he was in over his head more often than not. But the note was there to let him know he could take it one thing at a time. It let him know that there were people who cared for him, who were rooting for him and believed in him. Isak was learning that he didn’t have to do things alone, that he had people who wanted to help, and so point number five was a simple one, but one he felt he needed to get better at.

 

 _“Let people help you.”_  


 

*

 

When competition day came, Isak had at least gotten a little bit of a handle on his nerves. He knew he wouldn’t win, but he at least wanted to show his coach that he deserved to be back on the team. The next race was one that they travelled to a different city for, where they competed against the best of other cities, and only the top two from each event were picked to go. Isak and Even had gone for the past five years running, and every time they loved it. The place they went to was beautiful, and had a beach that the two boys visited every time, sneaking out the night before their race to look at the stars. Even had already been chosen to go, but Isak had to show that he was ready by doing well in this race.

 

Even had absolute faith in him, of course, and insisted that Isak was more than ready, and if his coach didn’t see that then he was an idiot. Isak just wanted to make it the whole race without feeling like he was going to pass out.

 

He got ready in the locker room, almost considering not covering up his lucky rainbow socks this time. As he turned to leave, someone passed by and stared down at his feet a little too long, so he retreated, hastily covering them up with his normal white socks.

 

Isak made sure he got ready earlier so he could go and watch Even’s race before his own. It was so much better standing by the track where he could feel the nervous buzz of the competitors, rather than sitting in the gallery with the other spectators. He could see Even rocking back and forth on his feet and swinging his arms in time, mumbling something to himself. Even looked over and caught Isak’s eye just before he went to his starting position, and his face broke out into a grin that Isak quickly returned.

 

This was the moment when time seemed to stop, and the whole stadium froze whilst everyone waited for the starting gun to go off. Isak held his breath and crossed his fingers behind his back, watching Even’s face go blank as he focused on nothing but the track ahead of him.

 

*

 

The sprint races were often almost too close to call. The runners would move as a mass of legs and arms until someone finally broke free from the crowd. Even managed to get ahead at the last step to be first over the finish line, and he immediately dropped to his knees, cheering with his hands in the air.

 

Isak hurried over and hauled Even upright before pulling him into a hug, and Even held Isak tightly and laughed into his shoulder. They broke apart just as Sonja made her way over, grinning just as much as the two boys were as she pulled Even into a hug.

 

“Good luck, Isak. You’ll do just fine,” she said kindly, giving Isak’s hand a squeeze just before he made his way to the start.

 

“Of course you will!” Even added cheerily, still panting from his race. He pulled Isak into one last hug as he passed, and Isak felt warm all the way to the starting line.

 

He’d truly forgotten how much of a toll it took on his body to compete against others who were just as good or even better than he was. He had to fight not to get too competitive too early as three of the others rushed ahead and Isak was stuck near the back. He knew if he pushed himself too soon he would burn out, so tried his hardest to pace himself, keeping his breathing under control.

 

It hurt more than he remembered. His legs were burning and his lungs felt like they were on fire, but still he knew he couldn’t stop. He thought of the end, thought of Even’s beaming smile and the stupid tin foil trophy he’d no doubt be waiting with. He thought about this being just another piece of his life that had been scattered, and how this was his chance to finally get it back into place.

 

When Isak finally reached the finish line in third place, he immediately collapsed to the ground in a heap. Every part of him hurt, but he was laughing breathlessly as he fell onto his back and grinned up at the sky.

 

He heard footsteps thudding towards him, and then Even’s face took over his vision just before he collapsed onto Isak and knocked the wind out of him.

 

“You survived!” Even yelled into his ear, sitting back on his heels and pulling Isak up with him so that he could hug him. “You did amazing, Isak. You were brilliant.”

 

Isak legs were cramping and it was almost impossible for him to catch his breath, but he couldn’t stop smiling as he hugged Even back. His smile got even wider when Even pulled out another tin foil trophy, a little bigger this time, and with a ribbon tied around its middle. Isak held it to his chest and just let himself bask in the victory for a while. It was a small step, but it made him feel a lot more himself than he had in a long time.

 

Even helped Isak up so that he could stretch his sore muscles out, and Sonja came back down from her seat to pull Isak into a hug, mumbling congratulations into his ear.

 

“Shall we go for food to celebrate? My treat,” she offered, stepping away from Isak and taking Even’s hand.

 

Isak might have been making it up, but Even’s smile looked almost sad when he turned his head to Sonja, pressing a kiss to her cheek.

 

“Sounds amazing. Isak, do you want to come?” asked Even, and they both looked so hopeful that Isak couldn’t possibly say no.

 

Besides, the day felt special, with the adrenaline still pumping through his veins, and he wanted to ride that good feeling for as long as he could.

  


*

 

The rest of the weekend was filled with far too much homework that Isak was weeks behind on, but he still clung onto that warming joy from his race tightly to get him through. It helped that his coach had pulled him aside after the race and let Isak know that he had proved himself enough to qualify to travel and compete away with the team. Even and Isak had done a ridiculous victory dance on the benches of the locker room, both full of bright smiles and echoing laughter.

 

Being so exhausted from the race had helped him sleep a little better too, but he knew that was bound to not last for very long. Monday night came, and Isak was still wide awake at two in the morning, his mind filled with buzzing thoughts that he couldn’t hold long enough to make sense of. Isak laid on his back and looked up to the ceiling, listening to the rain fall outside. When Isak’s phone began ringing beside him, the loud trill of the phone was stark in contrast to the peace of the room just moments before. Isak’s heart did a flip and his whole body was shaking when he reached out to answer.

 

He didn’t check the ID, since he was almost sure it was another call about his mother, so he was more than surprised to hear Even’s voice on the other end of the line.

 

“I’m sorry, did I wake you up?” asked Even. His voice sounded hoarse and wobbly, and Isak knew immediately that something was wrong.

 

“No, I wasn’t asleep. Are you okay?” Isak asked, getting up off his bed and beginning to walk around the room whilst he waited for Even to answer.

 

There was a silence that seemed to last forever as Isak listened to Even’s shaky breathing as he paced back and forth from his door to his wall. Even never called this late; in fact, he rarely called at all. He hated talking on the phone, and would rather text Isak or speak to him face to face.

 

“Not really,” Even said with a sigh, and it was only then that Isak realised he could hear the noises of the street down the line. Even was outside somewhere, and Isak felt cold all over.

 

When Even spoke again, his voice was quieter.

 

“I’m stood outside your flat. Is it okay if I come in?” he asked. “I know it’s late and if you want me to go I’ll-” began Even, but Isak immediately interrupted, making his way for his bedroom door and hurrying through the flat.

 

“I’ll come and let you in,” said Isak, dropping his phone to the floor so he could fight with the front door’s lock.

 

*

 

When Even came in, he was drenched through and shivering. His hair was plastered to his forehead and his teeth were chattering noisily as he wrapped his arms around himself and shuffled through the hallway. The rain was dripping off of him, so Isak immediately steered him towards his bedroom without a word and dug out some clothes, handing them to Even and insisting he changed.

 

Even took the clothes without a word, and Isak sat cross legged on his bed whilst Even peeled off his sopping clothes and dropped them onto the floor with a splat.

 

“What were you doing wandering the streets at this time of night? You’re mum is going to kill you,” Isak said, attempting a joke. Even’s mouth curled up into a tiny smile but quickly fell again as he dropped onto the bed beside Isak and stared at his hands.

 

Isak shuffled himself closer to Even so that he was right beside him, and he hooked his chin over Even’s shoulder, wrapping his arm around Even’s waist. Even tilted his head so that it was rested on Isak’s and let out a sigh, and Isak squeezed Even a little tighter, waiting for him to talk.

 

“Me and Sonja broke up,” Even muttered, his voice breaking on almost every word.

 

Isak hadn’t seen that coming.

 

“But you guys were fine. You’re great together,” said Isak, the confusion clear in his voice.

 

Even wriggled out of Isak’s grip so he could lay on the bed, and Isak followed suit. Even turned towards Isak but was curled up on himself, his chin tucked into his chest and his arms wrapped around his middle. He looked drained and pale and utterly miserable, and Isak’s heart hurt.

 

“We are. We were,” said Even, and shut his eyes, his face crumpled into a frown. Isak wanted to reach out and smooth it away with his thumb, get rid of all of the lines of sadness that showed on Even’s face.

 

They stayed in silence for a while, Isak watching Even as he laid there with his eyes shut, taking in deep breaths, his still wet hair soaking the pillow underneath his head.

 

“She’s moving away,” said Even eventually, his eyes still closed. “She’s going to study in England because her mum got a job there.”

 

“You could still be together! Lots of people are in long distance relationships and do just fine,” Isak insisted, trying to keep his voice cheerful. He always felt like he needed to grapple for a solution, try to soothe the pain his friends were feeling. Otherwise, he just felt useless, felt like all he did was made them hurt more.

 

“It’s not that easy. She’s not coming back, she wants to live there,” mumbled Even.

 

Isak knew how important Sonja was to Even, how much she made him smile, and how they both balanced each other out so well. Isak thought about losing someone that close to him - losing Even. He wondered what it would be like if Even moved away, and he and Isak only being able to talk through occasional texts that couldn’t possibly be enough.

 

Isak watched Even, watched his eyes flit back and forth behind his eyelids and the line between his eyes get deeper as he carried on speaking.

 

“We’re staying friends, but we both agreed this made more sense. She doesn’t need the pressure of a relationship on top of everything.” Even opened his eyes to look at Isak, and Isak noticed the dark circles underneath them. “I’ll miss her, though.”

 

“Of course you will, she’s brilliant. She even suffered through your black and white film obsession this summer,” Isak joked weakly. Even huffed out a laugh, but he didn’t smile.

 

Sonja had a practical mind, she saw things in black and white just like Isak did. Now that she was moving away, Oslo and Even were the grey area, and she had to make it black and white once more. It made sense to Isak, but he’d never been in love, and knew it was probably much harder than he thought. Even on the other hand, was a hopeless romantic who wore his heart on his sleeve, and had no doubt immediately agreed to Sonja suggesting they broke up because he knew that was best for her. It hurt to see Even so sad as he curled himself up some more on the bed and let out a shuddering sigh. Isak took Even’s hand and twined their fingers together, drawing patterns into Even’s wrist with his thumb.

 

“Tell me about your day,” said Even, his voice barely above a whisper. Isak’s mouth curled up into a small smile as he nodded and began to speak, still moving his thumb across Even’s pulse point methodically.

 

“I fought a dragon,” Isak started, and he saw the corner of Even’s mouth twitch upwards. “I had to save the prince trapped in a tower, and the dragon was in my way.”

 

“Did it breathe fire?” asked Even, shuffling a little closer to Isak.

 

“No, it just had _really_ bad breath,” Isak replied. Even snorted and covered his mouth with his free hand to hide his laughter, and Isak was so glad to see the light coming back to his eyes.

 

When Isak and Even were younger, and Isak’s parents would spend all of their time yelling at each other, Isak would escape to Even’s house. Isak would have tears clogging his throat and stinging his eyes, and he’d curl himself up in Even’s bed, his hands shaking and heart aching.

 

Isak had just wanted to forget the real world for a while, wanted to be as far away from his parents and his dark, lonely house for as long as he could. Even’s home was safe and Even was always by his side, rubbing his back and trying to talk to him, but Isak wanted to escape reality completely, so they has started the stories.

 

Even would tell Isak tales of his day, all completely made up and ridiculous, but he’d tell them with such sincerity that Isak had almost believed them. He’d tell tales of riding unicorns, and trolls that covered him in silly string, or how he found a type of tree that grew cotton candy. Isak would laugh and play along, feeling his chest get lighter with every second that passed.

 

“Did you save the prince?” Even asked. He had a few tears running down his face, but Isak chose to ignore them. Sometimes Even just needed Isak to be his friend, not mollycoddle him or cause a fuss like a lot of other people did. Isak just gave Even’s hand a tight squeeze before he carried on with his story.

 

“I did. I defeated the dragon and it exploded into millions of bubbles. Then I had to climb the tower to get to the prince,” said Isak.

 

“What was he like?”

 

“He had bright pink hair, and a yellow cowboy hat instead of a crown,” Isak answered, grinning triumphantly when Even laughed again.

 

Their laughter died out, and Even went back to looking miserable. Isak thought back to the past few weeks, of Even’s sad smiles when he thought no one was looking, and how he and Sonja had seemed to spend so much more time together than usual.

 

“How long have you known Sonja was leaving?” asked Isak.

 

“She told me two weeks after we started dating,” Even replied with a shrug. “We both thought it would make it easier knowing from the start, but it didn’t.”

 

It was sad to know that Even and Sonja had dealt with an expiry date since the start of their relationship. Isak wondered if it had been worth it, knowing they were on borrowed time, or if it would have been easier to never start something in the first place. Isak thought back again, to if he and Even had met and become friends, only for him to move away. He’d be miserable, but he was certain that whatever time they’d spent together would be worth it.

 

“You can still be friends though, it’s not like she’s falling off the earth,” lsak reassured, and Even shrugged again.

 

“Sure, but she’ll forget about me soon enough,” Even replied sullenly, but Isak immediately reached out and punched Even in the arm, making him squawk in protest.  

 

“Of course she won’t forget about you, idiot,” Isak said with a roll of his eyes. “Who could forget you? You took her to a karaoke bar for your first date, and didn’t you once break into her house in the middle of the night just to give her flowers?”

 

That made Even laugh again, his face crinkling up into a smile as he nodded.

 

“I climbed up the drainpipe and got in through the window. Her dad almost hit me with a cricket bat,” he remembered.

 

Isak grinned and prodded Even’s nose, making him scowl and bat Isak’s hand away.

 

“See, how could she ever forget someone like you?” Isak sniggered. It was Even’s turn to roll his eyes, but he was still smiling.

 

“It won’t be the same,” Even sighed, and Isak went back to drawing patterns into Even’s wrist soothingly.

 

“It won’t,” Isak admitted. “But she’s important to you, and you’re important to her. You can’t just lose people who are that important.”

 

“So that’s why I’ve not been able to get rid of you for seven years?” Even joked, laughing again when Isak cursed at him.

 

Their conversation slowly died out, and Even finally fell asleep, huddled up under Isak’s duvet and mumbling in his sleep. He’d always talked in his sleep, mostly unintelligible things, and Even’s mother used to say that Even was telling stories in another language. When Isak was younger, he’d sometimes stay up and write down everything Even was saying so he could tell him in the morning. It never made sense, but the two boys had believed it was a secret language only they knew about.

 

Isak texted Even’s mother from his phone to let her know that he was safe with Isak, and almost groaned out loud when he saw it was four in the morning. He couldn’t take any more time off school, so he’d have to suffer through it on just a few hours sleep.

 

Isak didn’t regret it, though. Even had needed him, and just like all the times Even had stayed up with Isak or skipped school to be with him when Isak was down, it was only right for Isak to return the favour.

 

It wasn’t a debt to pay, and they weren’t keeping score; Even and Isak were just doing what friends should do. It had never been discussed or mentioned, but whenever they needed someone, the other was there.

 

Isak heard Even mutter Isak’s name in his sleep, followed by something to do with sharks and kittens. Isak laughed to himself before settling down to sleep just as the first rays of light were sneaking into the room.

  


*

 

Just over a week later, Sonja left for England. Isak made sure to meet up with her beforehand, bringing her books he knew she’d like for her journey. Sonja hugged him tightly and pressed a kiss into his hair, and Isak hugged her back just as hard. Even was stood close by watching them, with his and Sonja’s coffees in hand ready to walk her home. Sonja looked over to Even, and then back to Isak, and gave him a watery smile.

 

“Take care of yourself, Isak,” she said. She was biting her lip and her eyes were full of tears, and she ducked her head as she tried to blink them away. Isak pretended not to notice.

 

Isak smiled in return, and pulled her forward into another hug. He didn’t think he’d care so much about Sonja leaving, but over the past six months she’d become an important fixture in his life. She was smart and kind and funny and made Even smile in a way no one else had been able to before. She was special, and Isak hoped she knew that.

 

Isak left Sonja and Even, giving Even’s hand a reassuring squeeze as he passed, and smiled when Even squeezed back. He stopped at the end of the street and watched Sonja and Even walk away, their arms linked together, and his heart felt heavy with the sadness he knew Even was feeling.

 

He thought of how quickly things could change, how some people could be there one day and gone the next, shifting someone’s life completely. His mind instantly went to his mother, and how he hadn’t seen her in months, and as always the cocktail of emotions that came with thoughts of his mum knocked him breathless.

 

It was guilt again, mostly, that gnawed away at his insides and whispered in his ears. But there was grief too; he was mourning the mum that he knew and loved, but might never get back. The sadness was sickening, and he could never quite shake it off. It was always there, but came in waves that sometimes washed over him and took away every other feeling until he was left with an all consuming ache in his chest that he couldn’t escape.

 

Isak wondered if when he finally got the courage to see his mother, those feelings would finally leave him alone. Wondered if he’d be filled with nothing but happiness and relief, and everything else becoming just a memory. The feeling that always came last was fear, and it was painful and jagged and made Isak’s hands shake and his stomach churn. He was scared that when he went to see his mother, the feelings would only get worse, and he’d never be able to outrun them.

 

Isak decided that both he and Even needed to get out of their heads for a while, and since it was a Friday night, he had the perfect opportunity to do so. He texted Jonas asking for details on the party he’d heard him talking to Mahdi about, offered to host the pregame, then sent a text to Even.

 

 **To Even:**  
(12:42)  
You’re not sitting at home moping on your own and watching Titanic for the millionth time. We’re going out, okay? Come to mine for seven, I’ll even order us pizza.

 

Isak and Even weren’t so keen on house parties most of the time, but Isak thought that both of them needed to surround themselves with their friends and forget about things for a while. Isak smiled triumphantly when Even sent back an “ _ok, but there better be pizza_ ,” and tried to push thoughts of his mother out of his mind for now.

 

*

 

The party was loud and overbearingly warm as Isak, Even and their friends pushed their way through the doorway. Even smiles were at least genuine when he’d laughed with everyone at the pregame, though Isak had noticed moments of his face dropping when the others looked away. The buzz of alcohol was helping, and all five of the boys were giddy and laughing as they wiggled their way through the crowd.

 

As they passed each of the other guests, Isak realised something was a little different about this party. Each person he passed was in a costume. Isak walked by comic book characters, clowns, and animals. Isak and his friends were the only ones that weren’t dressed up.

 

Isak grabbed Even’s arm and pulled him back, nodding his head towards the other guests when Even looked at him. The realisation suddenly dawned on Even’s face as he scanned the room, and the moment he looked at Isak again, they both burst out laughing.

 

“What are you two laughing at?” Jonas called back to them as he and the other two boys stopped in their tracks.

 

“Why didn’t you tell us it was a fucking costume party?” asked Isak, still laughing loudly.

 

Isak’s other friends looked around, and Mahdi began laughing with Even and Isak as Magnus cursed loudly and Jonas hid his face in his hands.

 

“I didn’t know,” Jonas whined.

 

“Well, we’re going to have to find outfits,” Magnus announced, clapping his hands together. “We’re the odd ones out here.”

 

“How are we meant to _find_ outfits?” Mahdi asked with a roll of his eyes.

 

Magnus just tapped his nose and smiled slyly, before insisting that his friends followed him.

 

*

 

Magnus managed to coerce a bunch of drunk teenagers - including the host of the party - to help with finding everyone last minute costumes. Isak was suddenly surrounded by a group of strangers with random items in their hands, staring at Isak and his friends and calling out ridiculous costume ideas.

 

They ended up taking off Isak’s red hoodie and tied it over one shoulder like a sash, before carefully putting a plastic crown they’d found on his head.

 

“You're Julius Caesar!” the girl who found the crown announced, and Isak could hear Even sniggering behind him.

 

Mahdi was given a skeleton onesie that they had found in one of the bedrooms. One of the boys wrote “LIFE” in big letters across Jonas’ shirt before handing him a bag full of lemons from the kitchen. Magnus ended up dressed as the laziest impression of a cat. They stole some cat ears off a girl who was otherwise occupied making out with a princess, and then used a pen to draw whiskers on his face.

 

Jonas leant towards Isak as Magnus perched the cat ears on his head and grinned triumphantly.

 

“Do you think he knows they’ve just drawn those whiskers on with permanent marker?” Jonas muttered, making Isak snigger.

 

Even was last, and Mahdi and one of the girls hunted down a beard that a guy who had been dressed as Santa had dumped by the sink. After stealing the white bedsheets out of someone’s room and wrapping Even in them, they all looked delighted.

 

“You’re God!” the girl announced, and everyone else burst into fits of laughter.

 

They all looked utterly ridiculous, and couldn’t stop laughing at each other, especially when Jonas took his role very seriously and began handing out lemons to strangers at the party.

 

Isak and Even found a place sat on the stairs with a can of beer each, squashed up close together so people could get by. Even took a picture of him and Isak together to send to Sonja - they both mostly communicated in random photos sent through their days. Isak knew whenever Even got a new photo from Sonja by the way his face lit up. He also knew Even saved every single one, even the blurry photos of Sonja’s coffee cup first thing on a morning.

 

Even pulled the beard down so that it was around his neck and pulled a face.

 

“This beard smells of beer,” he complained.

 

“You look so stupid,” laughed Isak, earning a punch in the arm from Even.

 

“This is the new fashion!” Even protested, “at the next party everyone will be wearing bedsheets as clothes.”

 

That made Isak laugh even harder, Especially as Even pulled out hair from the beard that had gotten stuck in his mouth with a grimace.

 

They sat side by side and watched the people in front of them moving around the room and dancing and laughing together. Isak could see his other friends close by, dotted in different places in the crowd, all talking with wide smiles.

 

“Thanks, Isak,” Even said suddenly, shouting over the loud music and chatter that surrounded them.

 

“For what?” Isak frowned, turning back to look at Even.

 

Even rolled his eyes, as if it were obvious, and took a sip of beer before he replied.

 

“I know I’ve been pretty miserable lately, and not a lot of fun to be with,” Even explained with a shrug.

 

Isak’s frown grew deeper as he thought about what Even had said. Even had been sadder lately, but Isak still wanted to spend as much time as he could with him. Even had stuck with Isak even when Isak could barely gather the energy to speak, and would happily just lay there for hours beside Isak, talking to himself.

 

Isak wasn’t friends with Even to be entertained, didn’t expect anything from Even. He always wanted Even to be happy because he deserved it, but it didn’t mean he liked Even any less when he was sad.

 

“Who says you’re any fun normally?” Isak joked with a grin. Even rolled his eyes and punched Isak in the arm again, but Isak could see the concern in his eyes.

 

Isak wrapped his arm around Even’s shoulders and tapped their cans of beer together before leaning in to make sure he was heard over the music.

 

“You’re allowed to be sad, your girlfriend just moved to another country. And you’re still my favourite person to spend time with, even when you’re sad,” Isak said, nodding when Even caught his eye.

 

Even’s face broke into a smile and he wound his arm around Isak’s middle, giving him a sideways hug.

 

“I forgot that beer makes you sappy,” Even joked, before adding a quieter, “Thank you,” as he rested his head on top of Isak’s.

 

Even eventually left Isak sat alone to find more beer, and Isak stayed on his spot on the stairs and watched the crowd move together. He didn’t realise someone had come over until they cleared their throat, and Isak looked up to see a guy dressed as Zorro grinning at him.

 

“I was beginning to think you were avoiding me,” said the guy. His face was mostly covered by a mask, and Isak was sure he’d seen him somewhere before, but couldn’t quite place where.

 

The guy must have noticed Isak’s confused frown, because he quickly pulled his mask off to show his face, and grinned again. It was the guy that had been at the party at Eskild’s house, the one that Isak had been careful not to bump into ever since.

 

The guy - Alex, Isak remembered - sat down in Even’s space beside Isak and handed him a drink, and Isak offered him a wobbly smile and a thanks in return.

 

“Nice costume,” Alex said, reaching out and tapping his fingers on the crown on Isak’s head.

 

“It was a little last minute. My friend forgot to tell us it was a costume party,” Isak explained. “You clearly put a lot of thought into yours,” he added, appraising Alex’s outfit and laughing when he ducked his head, trying to hide his blush.

 

“I know it’s stupid,” Alex muttered with a shrug, but Isak shook his head and bumped his and Alex’s shoulders together.

 

“Nah, you look good,” Isak reassured, and the smile Alex gave him in turn lit up his whole face.

 

“It’s nice to finally see you again,” Alex said, and though his face showed nothing but kindness, Isak couldn’t help but feel guilty.

 

“I’m sorry for disappearing on you,” said Isak with a shrug. He didn’t even have an excuse; he knew he’d been avoiding Alex because he was afraid. He didn’t know how to act around him, and was too worried about what other people thought to relax around him.

 

Alex just shook off Isak’s apology, resting his hand on Isak’s thigh and smiling at him. Isak immediately froze at the contact. It was a knee jerk reaction, and he couldn’t help but tense up as the cold panic seeped into his muscles. Alex muttered an apology and went to move his hand away, but Isak stopped him, trying to ignore his heart hammering.

 

Isak looked around the room, checking to see if anyone was watching them sitting a little too closely together to be friends. He caught Jonas’ eye, and realised that Mahdi, Magnus, and Even were all beside him. Jonas and Even were both grinning at Isak, Jonas winked when he saw Isak was looking at him, and Even gave him a thumbs up. Magnus was excitedly hitting Mahdi’s shoulder and pointing in Isak’s direction.  
Isak ducked his head and laughed under his breath, but felt a rush of warmth spread through his chest. He felt safe with his friends around and keeping an eye out for him, and whilst it didn’t make the unease leave him entirely, it did make it easier for him to lean into Alex’s touch as they talked together.

 

*

 

If Isak had known just how much better things would be once he’d came out to his friends, he’d have done it much sooner. He was still anxious about it, and wouldn’t be telling anyone else any time soon, but to not have to pretend around them all the time was wonderful. Talking to Alex was just as good. Isak laughed a lot, and didn’t need to think too hard before he spoke, or be careful that his and Alex’s hands didn’t touch.

 

Alex was a good looking guy, with dark brown eyes and a smile that lit up his whole face, but Isak was almost certain that they’d never be more than friends. He didn’t mind, and he had a feeling Alex knew it too as they talked and laughed together. Regardless, Isak was grateful to feel totally relaxed around someone he’d have been terrified to speak to just a few months ago.

 

“So,” Alex began, resting his elbows on the stairs behind him. “Are you gay, or...?” he trailed off, the last word tilting up into a question.

 

“Yeah, I’m gay,” Isak replied, and for once the words didn’t taste bitter in his mouth. “But not many people know,” he added carefully.

 

“I get it,” said Alex, turning to smile kindly at Isak. “Working that stuff out is hard, especially when you’re at school. I’m bi, and for a long time I just decided to ignore it because it was easier.”

 

Alex had told Isak he was a few years older than him, and had only had the courage to come out once he’d finished school. Isak barely believed it, since Alex was so confident now, he couldn’t imagine him being the same as Isak once.

 

Alex nodded over to where they could see Even, Magnus, Jonas, and Mahdi playing a game of beer pong. Jonas and Even were high fiving and Magnus and Mahdi had their heads in their hands.

 

“You have a good group of friends though. That always helps,” Alex said, and as if on cue, Even caught Isak’s eye and grinned at him.

 

“I do,” Isak agreed, grinning right back at Even.

 

Alex and Isak left their spot on the stairs to join Isak’s friends, and they were immediately recruited into the game. Isak was put on Even and Jonas’ team, and Alex on Magnus and Mahdi’s. Magnus spent most of the game talking to Alex, which made them even worse players than they had been before, and Isak laughed so hard that his stomach hurt.

  


By the time Isak and his friends left the house it was almost light outside, and they all dragged their feet as they made their way home, heavy with sleep and alcohol. Alex hugged Isak and each of his friends goodbye, quickly typing his number into Isak’s phone before he left.

 

“In case you ever want to talk,” he explained with a kind smile, squeezing Isak’s hand before he walked away.

 

As Isak watched Alex go, Magnus elbowed him in the side and smiled slyly. “I guess now we know who Isak’s type is,” he said, waggling his eyebrows and making the other boys snigger.

 

Isak rolled his eyes and punched Magnus in the arm, but couldn’t help laughing along.

 

“I don’t blame him. He’s a good looking guy,” Mahdi said with a shrug, and Jonas nodded in agreement, winking at Isak.

 

Even didn’t say anything, but reached out to give Isak’s hand a squeeze, and when Isak looked over to him, he grinned brightly.

 

“Magnus, you were flirting with him more than I was. I guess now we know _your_ type too,” Isak argued. All of the other boys laughed loudly as Magnus scoffed and crossed his arms with a scowl.

 

Isak felt happy, surrounded by friends that cared about him and liked him for who he was, with no pretences or lies. He was comfortable, with no tension freezing up his muscles or making his stomach curl with nerves. He was so grateful to have the friends that he did, especially Even. Isak squeezed Even’s hand back tightly and smiled to himself as the group made their way home together.

  


*

 

It had been over half a year since Isak had moved out of his family home, and even longer than that since he had last seen his father. He was still sent a monthly allowance to pay his rent, but that was the only way Isak knew his father still existed. Isak had sent his father his new address once he’d moved to Eskild’s, but had received no reply.

 

It meant he was more than a little shocked when after so long, Isak received a text off of his father asking if they could meet up. Isak stared at his phone for a long time, reading it over and over again, a mix of emotions he couldn’t quite make sense of swirling around his stomach.

 

When Isak told Even, his face immediately dropped into a scowl. He’d made it very clear after Isak told him everything that he didn’t like Isak’s father. Isak didn’t blame him.

 

“I know he’s your dad, but what he did was selfish. He’s meant to take care of you, and he just _left_ you behind like you didn’t matter,” Even said, his hands balled into fists. “If there’s anyone you should blame, Isak, it’s him. You don’t have to meet up with him, you don’t owe him anything.”

 

“I know I don’t,” Isak sighed. He knew he should probably hate his father, and sometimes he did, but it felt more complicated than that. Isak resented his dad for what he’d done, but he missed him too, and that messed with his head.

 

Isak hated not knowing how to feel. He wished he could take each feeling and lay them out, putting them in boxes and labelling the right ones under his father’s name.

 

“Why does he want to talk _now?”_  Isak wondered aloud, frowning to himself.

 

“He probably wants something,” Even muttered, before shrugging in apology when Isak shot him a glare.

 

“I think I’m going to say yes,” said Isak, already typing up a text back to his father. Isak could feel Even staring at him from the corner of his eye, his face no doubt laced with concern.

 

“Do you want me to come with you?” Even asked. Isak’s first reaction was to say yes, just so he could have Even by his side; have someone in his corner.

 

“No, I’ll be fine,” said Isak instead, lifting his head to give Even a reassuring smile.

 

Isak didn’t know whether he’d made the right decision, after his father had let him and his mother down so badly. Nerves prickled along his skin and hundreds of scenarios of what could happen swam through his head as he stared down at his phone.

 

Isak almost wished that his father had never bothered contacting him again, because it dragged up a lot of feelings Isak had almost forgotten about. He supposed he owed his dad it, since he’d been paying Isak’s rent for months now. A small, hopeful part of Isak wondered if this could be the start of him fixing things with his parents.

 

Isak crossed his fingers and stuffed them into his pockets, and couldn’t help but smile when he caught Even doing the exact same thing.

 

*

 

After so long of not seeing him, Isak figured his dad would look different to him somehow; less familiar. But as Isak walked into the shop he saw him straight away, wrapped up in too many layers and frowning down at his mug as if it held the secrets to the universe.

 

As Isak pulled his chair back, his father jumped and looked up, almost spilling his coffee all over himself.

 

“Isak! Hi,” he said, his face breaking into a smile that seemed too forced to be genuine.

 

“Hi dad,” Isak mumbled, settling down in his seat and crossing his arms. He dug his fingernails into his palms and tried to ignore how his heart was stuttering in his chest.

 

“I got you a drink,” his father said, still smiling as he pushed a mug over, and Isak tried to suppress a sigh. It was green tea, and Isak hated green tea, he always had.

 

Isak muttered a thanks anyway, unfolding his arms to wrap his hands around the mug and trying not to grimace at the smell.

 

“How have you been?” asked his father, tapping his fingernails on the table.

 

“Fine,” Isak answered shortly. His father was trying to act like everything was okay, like his wife hadn’t been hospitalised and like he hadn’t abandoned his family, and it was putting Isak on edge. He’d half hoped his dad had come to apologise, to promise to do better, and maybe the childish side of Isak had wanted Isak’s father to beg him to come back home.

 

“How’s your mother?” he asked, as if he was asking Isak about the weather, like it barely mattered.

 

Isak could feel the anger bubbling up in his chest and stinging his throat. He was naive to think that things would be different, that his father would have even an ounce of regret.

 

“ _Fine_ ,” Isak said again through gritted teeth.

 

Isak’s father either didn’t realise the tension or was ignoring it entirely, because he just hummed to himself and took a sip of his drink. The suffocating feeling that Isak used to get when he’d lived at his parents came creeping back and made it hard to breathe. Isak almost considered getting up and leaving without another word.

 

Isak’s father huffed a sigh and leant forward in his seat, catching Isak’s eye.

 

“Listen,” he said quietly. “I have some news, and I wanted to tell you face to face.”

 

Isak didn’t say a word, just sat back and wrapped his arms around his middle, waiting for his father to continue.

 

“I’ve been seeing someone,” he said, his face melting into the first genuine smile Isak had seen from him in a long time. “We’ve just moved into a new house together, and I want you to meet her.”

 

Everything in Isak’s mind came to a screeching halt, and he didn’t realise he was shaking until his chair began to rattle. He’d been so weighed down with guilt and an unbearable sadness, missing his mother and the family he used to have. All the while his father had started a new life, and hadn’t even bothered to look back.

 

Isak let out a disbelieving laugh that hurt as it clawed its way out of his throat.

 

“So you just abandoned your old family to make a shiny new one?” Isak spat.

 

Isak’s father looked shocked for a moment, his jaw dropping and eyes widening, before it crumpled into a scowl as he pointed his finger at Isak.

 

“Don’t speak to your father like that,” he demanded, and Isak could feel bile rising up in his throat.

 

“Your _wife_ is in a hospital, she’s ill and terrified. You left me to take care of her on my own, and you don’t give a _shit_.” Isak knew he was being a little too loud for the room, knew that people were watching him, but he couldn’t find it in him to care.

 

“Isak, I know I’ve made mistakes, but I want to make it up to you. I want us to start over, we can-” his father began, but Isak interrupted by pushing his chair back and standing up.

 

“I’ve managed just fine without you for months. I don’t need you in my life,” Isak said carefully, trying to hide the way his voice was shaking.

 

Isak rushed his way out of the coffee shop and immediately set off running, even though his breath was so short that it was making him dizzy. He ran and ran, the conversation with his father spinning through his head so fast that it blurred his vision.

 

Isak had to stop when his chest felt like it was on fire and his legs felt like they were going to give out. He’d made it to the park near his old house, where in the summer he and Even and Marte would come to spend their days. Isak collapsed onto the nearest bench, chest heaving and tears stinging down his face.

 

He scrubbed his sleeve over his eyes and pulled his phone out of his pocket, hands still shaking. He had a few texts off of Even, asking how the meeting with his dad had gone. Isak sent a text back to Even before letting his phone drop to his feet, hunching over to hide his face in his hands.

 

 **To Even:**  
(13:03)  
At the park. I need you.

 

Isak was still trying to get his breathing back to normal when he heard footsteps thudding towards him and then a hand on his back as Even mumbled his name. Isak immediately curled into Even when he sat on the bench beside him, and Even held Isak tightly as Isak cried into his shirt.

 

It shouldn’t hurt as bad as it did. Isak should have expected it, and half of him had. But there had been a small part of him that still had hope, was still the little boy who just needed his parents. Isak was sick of feeling so lost and lonely, sick of being the grown up, and desperately tired of being angry all the time. Even just hushed Isak and rubbed his back, and Isak breathed him in, fisting his knuckles in the back of Even’s shirt.

 

Isak sat back eventually, but stayed close to Even, and Even wrapped one arm around Isak’s shoulders, using the other to tangle his and Isak’s fingers together. Isak’s knuckles were white with how hard he was holding on to Even’s hand, but Even didn’t seem to mind.

 

“Isn’t this the part where you get to say I told you so?” Isak snivelled, looking up to Even and attempting a smile.

 

Even just looked desperately sad, and he gave Isak’s hand a squeeze and shook his head.

 

“Of course not, I wanted it to be okay for you. You deserve so much better, Isak,” he replied quietly.

 

“He’s made a new family. He moved in with his new girlfriend when he left me and mum,” Isak mumbled, and he watched Even’s face darken. “He wanted me to just act like it was normal, like he hadn’t abandoned us for something better.”

 

“What a selfish asshole,” Even muttered.

 

Isak had often wondered where his father had gone after he’d left, and what he was doing. He’d wondered if his dad was as sad and had felt as lost as Isak, and had half expected him to come walking back through the door with a bunch of flowers and an apology like he had done so many times before. But he’d left for good, and created a new life that didn’t include Isak or his mother.

 

It suddenly hit Isak that he’d done the same thing, that he’d left his mother and not looked back. It was a little later than his father had, but still, he’d followed in his father’s footsteps eventually.

 

“I left her too, though. I did just what he did,” Isak said, his voice barely above a whisper.

 

“No, Isak, that’s not the-” Even began, but Isak shook his head and interrupted.

 

“It _is_ the same. I left her too, I’m selfish just like him,” Isak insisted, letting go of Even’s hand and shuffling away from him. His chest felt tight and he couldn’t get in enough air and though he was outside, it felt like everything was shrinking around him.

 

Isak’s heart was thudding loudly through his ears and his skin was crawling as he curled himself into a ball on the end of the bench, shutting his eyes tightly and hugging his knees.

 

“Isak, listen to me,” Even said, and he sounded too far away. “Put your feet on the ground and breathe for me, okay?”

 

Isak wanted to make a sarcastic retort that he _was breathing, idiot_ , but his mouth felt dry and his throat was sore. Even moved to kneel on the floor in front of Isak, and put his hands on Isak’s knees once Isak managed to uncurl himself and put his feet on the ground. Even’s hands were warm, and he was muttering reassurances as Isak put his head in his hands to try and stop his head from spinning.

 

“You’re nothing like him, I promise. You’re kind and you’re honest and you’d sooner run yourself into the ground than say no to people. You stayed with your mum for as long as you could, and you haven’t abandoned her, you talk about her every day,” Even said, tapping his fingers one by one on Isak’s knees as Isak tried to breathe in time.

 

They stayed quiet for a while, Even watching Isak and Isak watching Even’s fingers still tapping on Isak’s knees. When Even broke the silence again, even though his voice was quiet, Isak jumped and his breath stuttered.

 

“Why don’t you come home with me? Mum and Marte have been asking about you,” Even suggested.

 

Isak’s immediate reaction was to say no, to go home and hide away from the world for a while. But as if Even could read his mind, he spoke again.

 

“I know you want to shut yourself out, but sometimes you just need people Isak. Mum will even bake you those cookies you love so much, and Marte’s drawn a picture of you that she’s been dying to show you,” said Even, and Isak couldn’t help but smile.

 

Isak eventually nodded, and he saw Even’s face light up as he jumped to his feet and held a hand out to help Isak upright. Isak’s legs felt shaky and the world seemed to tilt as he stood up, nausea rising up in his stomach.

 

Even kept hold of Isak’s hand all the way home, and Isak was grateful for it.

 

*

 

The second Isak got into Even’s house, he was immediately tackled into a hug by Marte, who hung on tightly to Isak’s legs until Isak lifted her up so she could sling her arms around his neck instead. Even’s mother pulled Isak into a hug just after, kissing the top of his head and squeezing him tightly, and Isak almost burst into tears all over again.

 

They all sat around the table together, talking and laughing, and Isak felt warm all over. Even’s house had always been like a home to Isak, since he and Even became friends he was always made to feel welcome. Some of his favourite memories were of nights sat around the table in Even’s house, playing board games, or huddled on the sofa with Even and Marte watching movies.

 

Even’s mother suddenly interrupted Isak’s train of thought by putting her hand on top of his.

 

“Isak, could you help me in the kitchen a moment?” she asked, and Isak could feel Even watching them as he followed her into the kitchen, hands stuffed in his pockets.

 

They worked in silence for a while, Isak stirring the pan on the stove whilst Even’s mother cut up vegetables. Isak remembered when he was younger and he and Even would have to stand on a chair to reach the countertop so that they could help. Even would always end up doing a lot of singing, but not a lot of helping.

 

As Even’s mother came to put the vegetables in the pan, she stopped and took Isak’s hand, and her face was full of sadness when she looked at Isak.

 

“I want to apologise to you,” she said softly.

 

Isak frowned and dropped the spoon in the pot so he could turn to her properly.

 

“For what?” he asked.

 

“For not helping more. For not realising how much you and your mother were struggling,” she said. Her voice was cracking and there were tears in her eyes, and Isak’s heart ached.

 

“It’s not your fault,” Isak insisted, and he was immediately thrown back to his conversation when Even had found out. It was eerily similar, how Even and his mother had the same eyes, the same look of overwhelming sadness once they’d found out. Even had gotten his compassion from his mother, and sometimes it was so much that Isak felt as though he didn’t deserve it.

 

“You are so brave, Isak, and so kind,” she replied, still holding on to Isak’s hands. “I want you to know that you can always treat this place like home. Me and Even and Marte, we’ll always be there for you.”

 

Isak wanted to say that he knew, that Even and his family had been more like a family to Isak than his own. He wanted to thank her for all the things she had done, all the times she’d protected Isak and made him smile when everything had seemed hopeless. He wanted to let her know just how grateful he was to have such kind people always looking out for him.

 

But the words got stuck in his throat, so instead he nodded and leant forward to press a kiss to her cheek, mumbling a thank you in her ear.

 

*

 

Once Isak finally left Even’s house, it was dark outside, and he was warm and full of food and had a smile on his face. He still had a weight on his shoulders that he couldn’t shake, and the conversation he’d had with his father was still running round his head, but he at least felt a little more sturdy on his feet.

 

Isak was met with Eskild sprawled across the sofa watching television when he came home, but when he saw Isak, he sat upright and patted the space beside him.

 

“How did the big meeting go?” asked Eskild, trying too hard to keep his voice casual. Isak had mentioned to Eskild that he was meeting his father, and whilst Eskild didn’t know everything, he knew enough.

 

(Isak also had a sneaking suspicion that Even had told Eskild some things too, considering the way Eskild’s face had darkened when he’d mentioned his father.)

 

“Not so good,” Isak answered with a sigh. It was an understatement, but Isak was already exhausted just from having to relive it when he told Even.

 

Isak would have to tell Eskild that he couldn’t pay rent. He loved living with him and Linn, but knew it wasn’t fair on them to have a roommate that didn’t pay their share. After he’d left his father, he’d received a notification that the bank transfer he used to get money for rent had been cancelled. Isak didn’t even have the energy to feel anything about it - he was just drained.

 

Isak took a deep breath and turned to Eskild. He didn’t care that he’d lost his father, but he did care that he was about to lose the home and the people he’d grown so fond of.

 

“Listen, Eskild, I’m sorry. My dad has cut my money off, so I can’t pay rent anymore. Even has said I can stay at his for a while, so I can be out of here as soon as you need me to be,” Isak explained, and saying it out loud hurt more than he thought it would.

 

Eskild’s face was blank, and told Isak nothing as he sat and waited to find out when he would have to leave.

 

“Isak, do you like living here?” Eskild asked, and Isak frowned at the question.

 

He loved the warmth of the house and the bad movie nights he and Linn and Eskild had. He loved Eskild’s cooking and his room and how Isak felt like he fit there just right.

 

“Of course,” he answered, still frowning.

 

“Then you’re staying here,” Eskild answered with a nod. “I’ll cover your rent until you can afford it.”

 

Isak heart did a flip and he held his hands up and began shaking his head.

 

“No, I can’t-” Isak managed to choke out, but Eskild interrupted.

 

“In payment, you will cook a family meal twice a week, tidy the whole flat once a week, and wash the dishes every night. Do we have a deal?” Eskild said, holding his hand out to Isak.

 

Isak shook it, bewildered, and Eskild’s face melted into a grin as he jumped off the sofa and pressed a smacking kiss onto Isak’s forehead, making Isak grimace.

 

“Wonderful. Then that’s settled, and I’m going to bed. Goodnight, my favourite grumpy roommate,” Eskild chirped as he wandered off towards his room.

 

Isak sat alone for a while, still in shock as he stared blankly at the TV, trying to process what had happened. He thought of the morning, of his father and the heartbreak he brought with him. But then he thought of Even, being there when he needed him and pulling him back up from the darkness. He thought of Even’s family and how they were always welcoming, and of Eskild, who’d given Isak a home when he lost his own.

 

Isak didn’t need his father. He had plenty of brilliant people surrounding him who all cared about him so much. Isak had made a family of his own full of the best people he knew, and he knew that as long as he had them around, he’d never feel alone again.

  


*

  


Isak and Even had to work twice as hard for their next competition. The next one was when they travelled to one of the boy’s favourite places, and they had never once come any lower than the top three. It had a lot of weight to it, since they were competing against runners from other cities, and the audience was always bigger and louder, making the atmosphere worlds away from their little track at home.

 

Isak knew that he still wasn’t at his best, but he had at least gotten fitter with Even’s help, and the buzz of excitement overtook the stinging nerves as he and Even climbed onto the bus together. They sat side by side, sharing Isak’s headphones and arguing over which songs to play like they always did.  

 

Isak rested his head against the window and watched the world pass by. Even was leant heavily into his side, insisting that he wasn’t tired, but Isak knew he would be asleep in the next few minutes. Isak was excited for the race to come, but mostly full of peace, with his music echoing through his mind and Even’s head resting on his shoulder. Isak was learning to think about how he was feeling, because though his default was always trying to push it away, he knew it never did him any good.

 

Even had told Isak that he had learnt how to tell when a bad day was coming for him, and though he could never stop it, it made it a little easier to deal with because it gave him chance to prepare.

 

“It’s like an ache, right here,” Even had explained, poking his finger right into the centre of his chest. “It’s like being in pain, but a different sort of hurt.”

 

Isak didn’t understand what Even had meant at first. He had just shrugged it off and thought nothing more of it. But then a bad night had come, when Isak had been lying awake after hours of trying to sleep, and he began to understand. The sadness, thick and cloying and dark blue in colour, rose up from his stomach and into his chest, tangling around his ribs and his lungs. Isak had tried to ignore it, tried to push it down, but it had gotten worse through the week. It was a relief when it finally relented, but Isak couldn’t forget how much it hurt, and he finally understood what Even had tried to explain.

 

Isak was always so tired lately, but a tired that weighed him down and no matter how much he slept, he couldn’t shake it off. It clouded his brain and weighed him down and Isak was so grateful for the days when that fog cleared. He tried not to push it down anymore, tried to pay attention to when things got too overwhelming. It wasn’t perfect, but he was getting better.

 

It had been a few weeks since Isak had met with his father, and though it still hurt whenever he thought about it, he wasn’t angry anymore. Isak had spent the next couple of weeks surrounded by his favourite people, who all made sure to make him feel like he had a home despite him losing his own. Even though Eskild made the rules of Isak tidying and cooking alone to pay his way, him and Linn still helped him out every day. Eskild would always put on music and force Isak and Linn to dance with him in the kitchen, laughing and twirling across the tiles. Even’s mother sent Isak food parcels twice a week, and had filled Isak’s freezer with food that she and Even had cooked, enough to feed him and his roommates for months to come. Despite the sadness and the guilt still hanging in the back of Isak’s mind, having so many people around him taking care of him made his heart glow.

 

Today was a good day, where the heavy tiredness had relented, and all Isak felt was excited for the day to come. He smiled to himself as he shut his eyes and sunk down further into his seat, letting his music and the chatter of the bus wash over him.

 

*

 

After a day spent training and preparing for their race day, most of the other runners went straight to their hotel rooms to sleep, but Isak and Even had a tradition. Once everyone was asleep and it was dark outside, the two boys would jump back out of their beds and make their way down to the beach. It was cold enough that the breeze made Isak shiver and his hair stand on end, but he loved it more than the stifling hot summer nights. Even chattered excitedly all the way to the beach, whilst Isak listened and laughed along. It was just an ordinary moment, one that they’d lived through plenty of times, but it was one of those moments that Isak folded away to keep and remember with a smile.

 

When they reached the beach, they took off their shoes and socks, and found their places on the sand, laying on their backs side by side. The sky was full of stars, and Isak stared up at them whilst he listened to the waves crashing in front of them.

 

“How’s Sonja doing?” asked Isak. Isak knew that they talked every day, and being apart from each other was slowly getting easier.

 

“She got a job at a school and she loves it,” Even replied. Isak wasn’t looking at him, but he could hear the smile in Even’s voice.

 

“She’d be a good teacher,” Isak thought aloud. Sonja was kind and patient, and had happily talked Isak’s assignments through with him three times over before he finally understood, never once losing her temper.

 

“She’ll be amazing when she qualifies,” Even agreed, before they fell back into silence.

 

Isak dug his hands into the sand and let it fall back through his fingers. The sand was cold and coarse under his skin, and got stuck under his nails and in the gaps in his fingers. This was one of his favourite places to be, even though he only visited it once a year. It had a special sort of feel to it, like it was detached from reality somehow. On the beach Isak was so fond of, with the stars above them and the sound of the sea around them, it felt like another world.

 

Even sighed, and Isak turned to look at him to see that Even was looking at the sky, his face twisted into a frown.

 

“Does it scare you?” Even asked.

 

“The beach?” Isak replied, raising an eyebrow.

 

Even snorted and rolled his eyes.

 

“No, idiot,” he scoffed. “The world. The universe. It’s so big, and we’re so... tiny.”

 

“I find it sort of comforting,” Isak said with a shrug. He loved that each person created their own mini universes, taking the things that mattered most to them and keeping them close. The rest of the universe could do whatever it wanted, but they had their own space just for them.

 

“Of course you do,” Even said, sighing again. “I just feel like no matter what I do, it doesn’t mean anything. Everyone’s fighting to make their mark in the world, but I’m just another ordinary person.”

 

“You’re not _just_ a person,” Isak argued. “You’re you, and there’s only one you. You’re one of the best people I know, actually.”

 

Even looked down to grin at Isak and muttered a thanks, and they fell silent once more, looking back up at the universe they both saw with completely different eyes.

 

Isak knew that Even wanted to _be_ someone; he wanted to make an impact and help people somehow. Isak was almost certain that Even could do just that, because he’d easily made such a massive impact on Isak’s life in the years that they’d known each other. He had a special sort of energy about him that Isak was sure was unique just to him. Isak wanted Even to realise how special he already was, without the theatrics of something spectacular, and without his name going down in history.

 

“You’re not put on this earth to entertain, Even. Just being you and being here is more than enough, the universe doesn’t need you to prove yourself to it,” Isak said, sitting himself up and crossing his legs.

 

Even turned to look at Isak, and Isak watched his mouth curl up into a grin that made his eyes wrinkle in the corners and his tongue stick out between his teeth. Even sat up and turned himself, settling his head down onto Isak’s lap and covering Isak’s jeans in sand. He rested his hands on his stomach and stretched his long legs out, digging his bare feet into the sand and smiling to himself.

 

Isak immediately buried his hand into Even’s hair and began combing his fingers through methodically. When they were younger, Even used to get terrible headaches that he said felt as though someone was drilling into his skull, and Isak would comb his fingers through Even’s hair and draw patterns into his scalp to help him sleep. They hadn’t done it in years, since Even grew out of his migraines, but it was second nature for Isak to start dragging his fingers through Even’s hair as he settled his head on Isak’s lap. Neither of them brought it up, letting themselves have a rare moment in the star studded world they’d created that they barely got to see.

 

Even was looking up at the sky, lips parted in wonder, and Isak watched Even, feeling something heavy and warm that he couldn’t name settle in his chest. If Isak could stay in a moment forever, he’d pick this one. It wasn’t full of energy, or a moment that anyone would count as spectacular, but it felt special regardless, felt like something that belonged to just him and Even. It was like he was living in a dream; untouchable and quiet and magical in a way Isak couldn’t explain.

 

Even caught Isak looking at him, and his face melted into a smile that made his eyes sparkle and his nose wrinkle up. The feeling in Isak’s chest got stronger, demanding to be recognised as it spread through him and made his skin tingle. Even was Isak’s favourite person, and Isak loved his ridiculously loud laugh and the way he always threw his head back and clutched his chest whilst his laughter filled the room. He loved how Even always waved his arms around wildly when he talked about things he cared about, as if he was pulling the words out of the air, and how his brain sometimes moved too fast for his mouth, making the words tumble out. He loved how much Even cared, even about people he’d never met and things that should mean nothing to him, but instead meant the world. Even had so much love to give - his heart was overflowing with it - and Isak was lucky to have Even in his life.

 

“When I was small, my mum told me that every person gets a star put in the sky for them when they’re born,” Even said softly, going back to looking up at the night sky.

 

He pointed upwards, and Isak followed his finger whilst Even carried on talking.

 

“Do you see those two? That’s me and you,” Even said, and Isak could hear the smile in his voice.

 

Right above them, there were two stars that were so close together that Isak almost mistook them for just one before he looked properly. One was brighter than the other, but the one beside it was bigger. Isak wondered which one Even thought was which.

 

“People are made of stardust, you know,” said Isak, his voice barely above a whisper. It felt wrong to speak any louder, like it would burst the bubble he and Even were in.

 

Even looked back to Isak, still smiling and eyes shining.

 

“Of course they are. Humans are amazing,” he replied simply, as if it were obvious. He ran his fingers gently across Isak’s arm and Isak shivered under his touch.

 

“I can see all of the stardust in you,” he said. “You’re practically sparkling.”

 

Isak’s stomach did a flip and he felt warm all over as he ducked his head to hide his smile. Even ran his fingers across Isak’s arm again absently, and Isak’s breath caught as sparks ran through his body. A lot of thoughts were bouncing around Isak’s mind, and Isak fought to try and slow things down so that he could make sense of them.

 

The words settled into Isak’s head then, slotting into a place Isak hadn’t known was empty. Isak was in love with Even - in love with every single part of him - and the realisation knocked him breathless.

 

Isak’s pulse began racing, his heart thudding so loudly that Isak worried that Even could hear it. A whole storm was taking place inside of him, and Even just carried on looking above them, completely oblivious of what was racing through Isak’s head.

 

It made sense, really. Even had been the biggest part of Isak’s life for so long, the person he trusted the most, and the most beautiful person, inside and out, that Isak would ever know. Even watched the stars whilst Isak watched Even, still running his fingers through Even’s hair as he tracked the movement of Even’s face with his eyes, mapping out every inch of it like he had so many times before.

 

Isak knew the feeling had been around for a while, way before he’d recognised it as love. But now that he knew, he didn’t quite know what to do with it.  
He was scared, because it felt as though something had shifted, like the world had shook and moved beneath Isak’s feet. He didn’t know if it would change his and Even’s friendship, and how it would if it did, but the ground felt much more uneven now. Isak felt guilty too (and god, he was sick of feeling guilty), because Even didn’t ask for a best friend that was in love with him, and it felt like an overbearing pressure that was going to weigh on the both of them.

 

“Hey,” Even said softly, interrupting Isaks reverie. He was sat up now and smiling at Isak, and their faces were so close that Isak could count every freckle on Even’s face. “You ready to go back?”

 

Isak nodded without a word, swallowing the feeling down as Even held his hand out to help Isak upright. Isak tried to ignore the sparks that stung at his fingers when he took Even’s outstretched hand.

 

They walked back to their hotel together, and Isak’s brain was spinning with thoughts that made his head pound and his eyes water. The dreamlike peace of the beach had gone, and Isak couldn’t even look at Even without feeling as though something was clawing at his throat.

  


“Are you alright?” Even asked, and Isak realised that Even had stopped walking and was watching him with a frown on his face.

 

Isak almost told him there and then. Thought about allowing the words to tumble out, laying them in front of Even and letting him do whatever he wanted with them. It felt so big and overwhelming that Isak wasn’t sure if he could keep it a secret.

 

Even reached out and squeezed Isak’s arm, face filled with concern, and Isak’s heart stuttered.

 

“I’m fine,” he replied eventually, and he hoped Even couldn’t tell that his voice was shaking. “I’m just tired.”

 

Even looked like he didn’t believe him, but shrugged and set off walking again, and Isak heaved a sigh of relief.

 

Isak couldn’t tell Even. He’d had only broken up with his girlfriend a month ago, and was still raw and hurting and very much in love with her. It wasn’t as though Isak expected Even to feel the same was as he did anyway; just because Isak’s world had shifted, didn’t mean that Even had moved with it.

 

They both went to their beds and Even immediately curled up and fell asleep, his face relaxing and jaw going slack. Isak crawled into his bed and stared up at the ceiling, feeling that warmth in his chest bubble and rise up, pushing out everything else and filling Isak’s mind with nothing but Even.

 

*

 

Isak was woken up the next morning by Even throwing a pillow at his head. Isak would never be a morning person, despite all of the early starts he had for training. He and Even used to joke that Even stole all of Isak’s energy, because he always seemed to be wide awake first thing.

 

“How are you feeling about today?” Even asked, crawling up onto Isak’s bed and sitting opposite him.

 

“Pretty good,” Isak answered, nodding to himself. Even’s responding grin made Isak’s stomach do a flip.

 

“Good. You’ll do just fine. You’ve worked really hard, Isak,” Even replied kindly, before patting Isak’s hand and jumping off of the bed. He pulled his shirt off as he made his way towards the bathroom to get changed, and Isak kept his gaze pointedly on his hands.

 

He hated that things felt different now, hated how the things Even would normally do seemed to have so much weight to them now. It wasn’t as though Isak expected anything of Even, all he wanted was Even in his life. Isak knew that his stupid feelings could change them both, could pull them apart, and that scared him. He wished he could push it all back down to wherever it had laid dormant before, so that everything could carry on as normal.

 

Isak did his best to shove it all aside for now, pulling himself of bed so he could go and get ready, and smiling when he heard Even humming cheerily to himself in the bathroom.

 

*

 

The atmosphere of the big track was always amazing, full of an almost overbearing buzz of feeling that made Isak’s hair stand on end. Even caught Isak eye and grinned, and Isak knew that he was feeling the exact same thing.

 

As always, Isak’s race was last, and Even’s first, and Even was practically buzzing with energy as they dumped their things in the locker room.

 

Just before Even made his way out, Isak handed him a package wrapped messily in newspaper.

 

“I didn’t have time to wrap it properly before we left,” Isak said with a shrug, and Even laughed as he unwrapped it.

 

It was another headband. This time it was blue and covered in white seashells.

 

“For the beach,” Isak explained, suddenly feeling ridiculous. Isak knew he was overly sentimental, that maybe the beach and how Isak felt about it meant more to him than it did to Even.

 

Even stared at the headband for a while, turning it around in his hands, before he pulled Isak into a hug.

 

“This has got to be one of my favourites,” Even said as he let go of Isak to put the headband onto his head.

 

“You say that every time you get a new one,” Isak replied, rolling his eyes and trying to fight his smile.

 

“And I mean it every time,” Even said, still grinning. He had his worn pan headband tied around his wrist, and Isak was wearing his rainbow socks underneath his white ones, like they always did.

 

The announcement that Even’s race was beginning boomed over the speakers, and Even straightened himself up and took a deep breath.

 

“Run fast. I’ll see you are the finish line,” said Isak, pulling Even into another quick hug.

 

Even gave Isak one last bright smile before turning and heading out of the doors, back out into the deafeningly loud stadium.

 

*

 

Isak’s heart was racing as he watched Even take his place, the crowd quickly falling silent as the runners got into position. Even rolled his shoulders back and rocked back and forth on his heels, taking deep breaths that puffed out his chest.

 

Even’s races were short. They were just a few moments of intense energy that were over in a blink. No matter how many times Isak saw it, it always took his breath away.

 

Even won, passing the finish line just half a second before anyone else. He immediately threw his arms in the air and jogged straight over to Isak, grinning brightly. They collided into a hug, Even laughing breathlessly into Isak’s ear and Isak shutting his eyes and squeezing Even tightly.

 

Isak was sure they’d never get bored of this. The weightless feeling of succeeding, the energy almost tangible as the crowd roared around them.

 

“That was incredible,” Isak said, laughing along with Even. They let go of one another but stayed close, and Isak tried to convince himself that his heart hammering was still down to the adrenaline.

 

Even left to go back to the lockers and to call his mum and Sonja whilst Isak sat at the sidelines, watching the other races pass by whilst he waited for his own.

 

Isak could see Even from where he was sat, pacing back and forth outside of the locker room with his phone to his ear as he waved his free hand around whilst he talked. Isak smiled to himself, picturing Even’s grin as he excitedly told his mum and Sonja about his win. Isak wondered if Even knew just how infectious his happiness was, how he managed to lift the mood of any room he was in.

 

Isak’s race came around fast, and he felt surprisingly calm as he took his place. Even gave him a thumbs up as Isak stretched his arms out above his head, and the nerves settled down to a low buzz across his skin.

 

Focusing on just the track ahead of him made Isak’s mind go completely clear, and he was glad for it for a while. He’d had so much going on, so many thoughts bouncing through his head, that he was grateful for the peace.

 

Despite his legs burning and his vision blurring, Isak found it much easier to carry on going than he had for the past few months. He couldn’t help but smile to himself as he thought that maybe he was finally getting back on top form.

 

Isak crossed the finish line in second place, and he couldn’t quite believe it. He still didn’t believe it when Even hurried over to tackle him into a hug, and both of them collapsed onto the floor in a heap.

 

“You’re amazing, Isak!” Even shouted, rocking Isak from side to side as he hugged him.

 

Isak felt like he should be glowing, like light should be pouring off him in beams. The happiness felt so overwhelming that he couldn’t possibly keep it contained.

 

Isak collapsed onto his back when Even let him go, his heart rattling against his ribs and his chest heaving. Even lay down too, dropping his head onto Isak’s stomach and making him groan.

 

People left the track and slowly emptied the stadium, and Isak and Even stayed exactly where they were, trying to get their breathing under control. Isak stared up at the sky and watched the clouds pass by, and couldn’t help but think of how different it was to the stars he and Even had laid under the night before. It felt like two different worlds, two very separate universes that he and Even had created, and Isak loved them both just the same.

 

As if he could read Isak’s mind, Even spoke up. “Can we stay here forever?” he asked quietly, sitting upright so that he could smile down at Isak.

 

Isak didn’t know why he hadn’t realised his feelings for Even sooner, because now they were front and centre, they were almost overwhelming. Isak’s first reaction was to tell Even, because whenever something was going on in Isak’s life, whenever there was something he couldn’t make sense of, he’d turn straight to his best friend. Isak knew Even wouldn’t judge him or freak out about it - he was too kind for that. But Isak wasn’t sure he could stand the pity, and even though he was almost certain it wouldn’t stop them being friends completely, it could change things. Isak was so used to having Even as a constant in his life, and he couldn’t bear for that to change in any way.

 

Isak was in love with his best friend, and it was horrible and terrifying and warm and brilliant all at the same time.

 

“Can we?” Even prompted, and Isak realised he hadn’t answered Even’s question.

 

“I’m pretty sure we’ll miss our bus home if we do,” Isak joked. Even reached out to punch Isak in the arm, but laughed along with him as he settled down to lay by Isak’s side.

 

“Fuck you, you know what I mean,” Even muttered, and Isak relented, nodding.

 

“Yeah, I do,” Isak sighed, folding his arms underneath his head.

 

Even placed something on Isak’s chest, and Isak pushed himself up again to see another wonky tin foil trophy that Even had made. Isak grinned at Even and held the trophy carefully in his hands, warmth curling in his stomach.

 

Isak’s little piece of universe that he’d created for himself was full of brilliant people and all of the small, memorable moments that meant everything to him. But he knew that the one thing that took up the biggest amount of space in his universe, was Even. It always had been, and as Even grinned at Isak and reached out to tangle their fingers together, Isak was sure it always would be.


	4. The stars in the light of your eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Then there was Even. Isak was still ridiculously, dizzyingly in love with him, and it was getting almost impossible to keep everything he was feeling bottled up. It was like once it had come to the front of his mind, a spotlight had been shone on it that refused to let him ever forget."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! So this was meant to be the last chapter as you know, but I think there's still more to tell. So after this part I'll be posting one more chapter.  
> Huge thank you again to [Sarah](http://canonicallyanxious.tumblr.com/) for taking the time out to beta this for me - you're a supehero <3
> 
> (Title is from [this poem](http://joetoyes.tumblr.com/post/117905204703/i-used-to-look-into-the-night-sky-and-wonder-if-i), and the tumblr post for this chapter is [here](http://call-this-a-mask.tumblr.com/post/169629651285/next-to-you-is-where-i-call-home-chapter-4))

 

Winter came back around quickly, and the dark nights and freezing air seemed to creep in overnight. The colder months always seemed endless once they came, coating everything in a frosty, muted sadness until the ice finally thawed.

 

Still, despite the cold and the frosty ground, Isak was out running. The cold was almost painful, but Isak loved the peace that running gave him, and how it gave him the chance to feel detached from reality for a while. It felt much later than it was, since it was already dark by the time Isak finished school, and was even darker once he’d gotten ready and made his way to the track.

 

As ever, Even was running alongside Isak in companionable silence. Even’s breaths were puffing out like a steam train, his face creased into a frown and feet pounding against the floor in time with Isak’s.

 

It was the first time they’d been out together in a while. Even had been stuck in bed for almost a week, his depression hitting him hard and weighing him down terribly. The stress of his last year of school had gotten to him, and Even had pushed it back and ignored it, working himself too hard until it finally caught up with him.

 

Isak had spent most of that week sat on Even’s bed, his legs across Even’s as he read stories out loud in case Even wanted to hear them. It never got easier, seeing Even looking so sad and lost, with dark circles under his eyes and a defeated expression permanently on his face. But as Even alway did, he made it through and finally got the strength to get out of bed and start his slow journey back to being himself again.

 

The first thing Even wanted to do, once he had shaken most of the fog from his head and managed to make it through a day without getting exhausted, was go for a run. He found it just as therapeutic as Isak did; it was a chance for them to shake off the bad feelings for a while. Even still looked a little pale, and he was definitely slower than usual, but Isak was just glad that he was feeling better.

 

“Can we take a break?” Even asked through gritted teeth. Isak knew it was frustrating Even that he couldn’t go on for as long as he usually would.

 

Isak nodded and slowed to a stop immediately, sitting down on the edge of the track and patting the space beside him for Even. Isak remembered being in almost the same position just a few months ago - being too exhausted to train properly, and how miserable it had made him. The roles had reversed now, but Isak would swap with Even again in a heartbeat if it would make him feel better.

 

Even leaned heavily into Isak’s side. His breath was coming out in a fog that surrounded his face, his features were softly illuminated by the moon, and Isak had a sudden rush of déjà vu. He thought about how different things were to last winter, how much of his life and how much of himself had changed too.

 

Isak no longer lived with his parents. He had lost contact with his father entirely and was still trying to work up the courage to go and visit his mother. But things weren’t exactly bad. Isak had a lot of good friends, had a flat he loved living in, and his mother had been doing great with no relapses in over two months.

 

Then there was Even. Isak was still ridiculously, dizzyingly in love with him, and it was getting almost impossible to keep everything he was feeling bottled up. It was like once it had come to the front of his mind, a spotlight had been shone on it that refused to let him ever forget.

 

“What are you thinking about?” asked Even, pulling Isak from his reverie. He was watching Isak, a crease between his eyebrows and shadow stretching across his face.

 

“Just how much everything has changed this past year,” Isak replied with a shrug, because _you_ was a ridiculous answer.

 

Even hummed, tilting his head and turning his gaze towards the sky.

 

“I guess it has, but doesn’t that happen every year?” he questioned. “Things shift and change all the time, and each new year is just a collection of all of those changes.”

 

Isak rolled his eyes and tapped his foot on top of Even’s.

 

“You’re ruining the sentimentality of it, asshole,” he muttered, and it made Even snort a laugh.

 

Even was right. Things were always changing, and in a year's time, when Isak would sit in the cold under the moon again, things could have completely changed once more. He hoped he’d have seen his mother by then, hoped he’d still be competing too. Most of all he hoped that Even was still sat by his side, like he had been for the past seven years.

 

“Where do you think we’ll be this time next year?” Isak asked Even, and Even turned to look at him and smile.

 

“Probably right here, freezing ourselves to death out training instead of staying in the warm like normal people,” Even replied, and Isak shook his head and laughed.

 

Isak wondered if his feelings for Even would be less intense by next year, if he’d be able to just sit by Even again without overthinking everything. He hated that his heart did a flip every time Even squeezed his hand, how he couldn’t seem to swallow down his feelings and make everything normal again.

 

“Speaking of freezing, can we go home?” Isak asked. Though he’d done only half as much training as he should have done, he could see Even was exhausted.

 

Even nodded shortly, and it was clear how frustrated he was. Isak also could see the almost shameful relief that flashed across Even’s features too when Isak helped him upright. Sometimes Even forgot to take it easy and pushed himself too hard too soon, and so Isak was there as a reminder that there was no need to rush.

 

They headed home together, and Even followed Isak to his flat without a word. Isak knew he was probably sick of lying stagnant in his own house for so long, knew how much the need to just _get out_ clawed at his skin once he could finally leave his bed. Isak’s flat was like Even’s second home anyway, just like Isak felt at home with Even and his mother and Marte.

 

The house was warm and full of light, and Isak called out a hello and smiled when both Eskild and Linn called back. The flat felt so much like home now that Isak couldn’t imagine being anywhere else. He always felt safe and comfortable there, which was in stark contrast to the last few months living at his parent’s house. He could still remember how suffocating it had felt, and how it always felt so cold, the icy tension sinking deep into his bones.

 

Linn and Eskild were curled up on the sofa, Linn’s head resting in Eskild’s lap, and both of them looked exhausted. They had drooping eyes and were staring blankly at the TV, and Eskild’s head was nodding as he fought to stay awake.

 

“Rough day?” asked Isak as he dumped his coat and shoes by the door, Even following suit.

 

“Being an adult is hard,” sighed Eskild, and Linn nodded in agreement.

 

“Do you guys want tea?” Even asked as he passed Isak and made his way into the kitchen.

 

Linn nodded and Eskild’s face lit up as he sat himself up to look into the kitchen.

 

“You’re an angel, Even,” he called, and Isak rolled his eyes. “You should come live here instead of Isak. He _never_ offers to make us tea.”

 

Isak scoffed and turned to scowl at Eskild.

 

“That’s a lie! I offered you tea last night and you said no because when I made tea before it tasted like dirty bath water,” he muttered, and he could hear Even sniggering in the kitchen.

 

“That’s because you tried to use hot water from the _tap_ to make it, Isak,” Eskild said slowly, raising an eyebrow whilst Linn smirked beside him.

 

Isak just flipped Eskild off with another glare before making his way into the kitchen to find Even boiling a pan of water on the hob.

 

“You don’t know how to make tea?” Even asked, biting his lip to try and stop himself from laughing.

 

“Fuck off. Tea is gross anyway,” Isak grumbled, sitting up on the countertop beside Even, watching him split the water into three cups and dump tea bags in each one.

 

Even disappeared out of the kitchen with two mugs to give Eskild and Linn their tea, and from where Isak was sat he could see Eskild pull Even down by his neck to press a smacking kiss to his cheek. Isak laughed to himself, watching Even smile fondly and shake his head, rubbing at his cheek as he made his way back into the kitchen.

Even leant on the counter where Isak was sitting, holding one of the cups between his hands and gently blowing on the steam. Even was staring down at his cup, but Isak was watching him as the steam curled around his face and clouded his eyes.

 

“How are you feeling?” asked Isak. The past couple of weeks had been tough for him, and Isak was grateful to finally see his genuine smile again.

 

Even and Isak were so close that when Even spoke, his breath hit Isak’s cheek. Isak had to suppress a shiver as he shuffled himself back slightly.

 

“I’m grateful to finally feel like myself again,” replied Even with a contented sigh. He always said the worst part was feeling like he was detached from his own body, like he was just a passenger with no control.

 

Isak grinned at Even, and Even happily returned it, tapping his fingernails on the porcelain of his mug. They fell into silence as Even sipped at his tea and Isak stared down at feet, rocking them back and forth. Isak hated that their silence felt awkward somehow now, making his muscles tense and freeze up. Isak knew it was all in his head, that Even couldn’t feel what Isak did, but the moment they went quiet, Isak began to worry. He worried that he was sitting too close, that he was staring at Even for too long, that somehow Even would _know_.

 

He kept trying to tell himself it didn’t matter, that nothing had changed, but it was like everything had been rearranged in his head, making things feel different and wrong with just the ghost of familiarity hanging around.

 

Even put his mug down on the counter, making Isak jump back to the present. He leant against the cupboard by Isak’s head, and their faces were so close that their noses almost bumped together.

 

“How are _you_ feeling?” Even asked, raising his eyebrow as he met Isak’s gaze. Even worried about Isak just as much as Isak worried about him. They’d promised to always be honest with each other, so they had at least someone to talk to no matter what.

 

Isak didn’t know what to say this time. There was so much going on in his head, and he couldn’t make sense of most of it. The feeling he got whenever he looked at Even wasn’t exactly bad, but he couldn’t call it good either.

 

Isak let out a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding, and shrugged.

 

“Better, I guess,” he answered.

 

“Yeah?” Even prompted, tilting his head.

 

“Yeah,” Isak confirmed with a nod. “Things are… good.” Things were confusing, they were worlds away from last year, and Isak somehow still didn’t feel like he’d was settled. But Isak thought back to how he’d felt just a few months ago, how the sadness had seemed to follow him, wrapping around his body and never relenting.

 

He was definitely happier, he could tell that much. He felt much lighter, found it easier to laugh and mean it, and for the first time in a long time, he felt safe.

 

Even’s face spread into a wide grin, and he reached out and patted Isak’s knee. Isak hoped Even didn’t hear the way his breath caught.

 

“Good,” Even said simply. “You deserve it, and so much more.”

 

Isak never knew what to do at times like this. When Even was just a little too close, Isak got lost in his smile and it made his heart soar. His first reaction was always to stamp it down, to push it away and will his hands to stop shaking. But a small part of him wanted to revel in it, wanted to let himself _feel_ , to follow the feeling and see where it took him.

 

Eskild came into the kitchen then, and Even leant back a little to look over at him and smile. Isak was snapped back into reality and immediately shook the thoughts out of his head, shuffling away from Even on the counter.

 

“Are you staying over tonight again Even? I’ve missed your pancakes on a morning,” Eskild asked, dumping his mug in the sink before leaning against the table opposite Isak and Even.

 

“Afraid not. I promised I’d walk my sister to school tomorrow,” Even replied with an apologetic shrug. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and cursed when he saw the time; Isak knew Even had promised to read Marte their story before she went to bed. She’d been having trouble sleeping lately - plagued by nightmares that she couldn’t explain. Even had spent weeks writing her a story, complete with all of his own drawings, and even though he’d read it to her dozens of times, she never got bored of it.

 

Even grabbed one of Isak’s hoodies off the back of the chair and put it on before turning to Isak with a grin.

 

“I better go. I’ll text you tomorrow, okay?” he said, already heading out of the kitchen before Isak could even nod in return.

 

Isak watched Even go, and heard him call out a goodbye before the door slammed behind him.

 

Isak was only just learning to talk about things instead of letting them stay inside his chest and fester. He was getting better at it, but usually it was because he talked to Even. Even always understood what Isak was trying to explain, and if he didn’t he’d try his best to help anyway. This was the first time Isak had a problem where Even was in the centre of it, and Isak wasn’t sure who to turn to. All he knew was that he couldn’t keep it bottled up. It felt like it was a ball of energy building up inside of him, growing and spreading to every bit of his body.

 

Eskild was still sat on the table, scrolling through his phone and humming to himself, and Isak watched him, trying to work up the courage to speak.

 

Isak had turned to Eskild plenty of times. Even though he often made ridiculous jokes, and was almost always over dramatic, Isak trusted him. He was kind and caring, and Isak knew Eskild had dealt with a lot through his life. He hadn’t always been as confident in himself or his sexuality, and he’d often told Isak stories about his past to make Isak feel better about his present.

 

Eskild got up and stretched, about to make his way out of the kitchen, and Isak took a deep breath.

 

“Hey, Eskild?” Isak said hesitantly, and Eskild immediately swivelled on his heel to face Isak, eyebrow raised in question.

 

“Is something on your mind?” Eskild prompted when Isak stayed quiet for a while, trying to find the right words.

 

Isak knew there was no way to be subtle about it, that Eskild would know the second Isak opened his mouth. But he couldn’t seem to say it straight out either. Telling someone out loud that he was in love with his best friend who probably didn’t and would never like him back would make it all far too real.

 

“Have you ever had a crush on one of your friends?” Isak settled with.

 

Eskild frowned for a moment, head tilted, then his face cleared as he nodded.

 

“Of course. My special skill is falling for straight guys who only see me as a friend,” he joked with a smile.

 

“What about _more_ than just a crush?” Isak asked, his voice wobbling.

 

Eskild laughed humorlessly, looking up at the ceiling as if he were watching an old memory Isak couldn’t see.

 

“When I was eighteen, I realised I was in love with my best friend. We’d known each other since we were babies - my mother and his mother went to school together. We did everything together,” said Eskild, his voice wistful.

 

“Did you tell him?” asked Isak, his stomach churning.

 

Eskild nodded.

 

“Eventually. I knew we had no chance because he was very straight, which was unfortunate for him, since he missed out on all of this,” Eskild joked, motioning to his face and grinning at Isak. Isak laughed along, but he could see the sadness in Eskild’s eyes and it made his heart ache.

 

“What did he say?” Isak didn’t think he would ever have the courage to tell Even like Eskild had told his friend. He wasn’t bold or brave, and didn’t want to cause a scene. It was a risk he couldn’t take.

 

“He thanked me for telling him. Told me that he was still my best friend no matter what, he even _apologised_ for not liking me back,” Eskild said, shaking his head and smiling fondly.

 

Isak wouldn’t have been able to stand the pity or pointless guilt Even could feel for not feeling the same way Isak did.

 

“Do you still talk?” asked Isak, almost afraid of the answer.

 

“Of course!” replied Eskild cheerily. “He’s my best friend. He lives a few hours away now but we visit each other whenever we can and we talk every day,” said Eskild. He had a smile on his face that Isak had never seen before. Isak wondered if he looked like that whenever he talked about Even.

 

Isak frowned down at his feet, trying to process the information. Telling Even was still too much of a risk, but a small, dangerous part of him was curious, and wanted to know what Even would say.

 

Eskild broke into Isak’s train of thought when he spoke again, his voice more serious than before.

 

“Isak, the way I see it is even though it feels like a lot, and almost too much, sometimes, it doesn’t change much. Your friend not liking you back doesn’t devalue your friendship, and you liking them doesn’t make you a bad person.”

 

Despite Eskild and Isak often seeming worlds away from one another, sometimes Eskild seemed to understand Isak completely.  

 

Isak didn’t know what to say, so Eskild carried on speaking.

 

“Love is love. Platonic or something more, it’s all pretty fantastic. You should spend time with whoever you feel happiest with, and you should never feel guilty for it,” he said, giving Isak a pointed look. Isak couldn’t help but avoid Eskild’s gaze, his cheeks growing warm.

 

There was silence again as Isak tried to take in what Eskild had said, and Eskild made his way over to lean on the counter beside Isak, bumping their shoulders together.

 

“Don’t get mad at me for asking,” Eskild began cautiously. “But has this got something to do with Even?”

 

Isak immediately tensed up, bringing his shoulders up around his ears and balling his hands into fists.

 

“I’m going to bed,” he muttered, ducking his way past Eskild and retreating to his room.

 

Eskild didn’t call Isak back, and Isak was grateful for it as he shut the door behind him and flopped onto the bed.

 

He hated feeling like this. He hated the confusion and the feeling like something was _wrong_ all of the time. Even was Isak’s best friend, the most important person in his life, and Isak hated that he’d made that change because of his stupid feelings.

 

Isak figured that eventually it would fade out, that things would go back to normal after long enough. He’d find someone else, or Even would, and Isak would forget about it one day.

 

Isak laid on his back and stared up at the ceiling. He let himself daydream for a while, thought of all the things that could happen if he told Even. Even could hate him, could resent Isak for his feelings, but Isak knew, deep down, that wouldn’t happen. Even would probably pity Isak, would be full of apologies for not feeling the same way, and Isak would stop being Even’s best friend and instead become a burden.

 

He let his mind wander a little more, thought of the impossible scenario he’d never let himself even humour before. It was a universe where Even loved Isak back, where he felt the same glowing, heart soaring feeling Isak did. Isak thought of telling Even he loved him, and Even’s face filled with no pity, no anger, nothing but pure delight.

 

Isak dug his fists into his eyes and rubbed so hard he saw sparks, pushing out his current train of thought.

 

He knew he was lying to himself, thinking the feeling would fade any time soon. He was in love with his best friend, and he couldn’t see himself loving anyone else. There was no one else Isak trusted more, and Even was always the first person Isak turned to. Even made Isak happy just by being around, and Isak couldn’t imagine life without him.

 

It was like there was a string tangled tightly around Isak’s heart that led all the way back to Even, and it only seemed to be getting tighter.

 

Isak groaned in frustration and shut off the light, curling himself into a ball and trying hard to think about anything other than Even.

 

Even still, he fell asleep to thoughts of blue eyes and the most familiar smile.

 

*

 

Isak hated the snow. He hated how cold it was, how it made each trip outside into a dangerous mission from the ice, and hated how it quickly turned to black sludge that soaked his shoes.

 

Even, on the other hand, loved the snow, and even though it often snowed in Oslo, he was still just as delighted by it every time. Isak had at least convinced Even to go to the gym instead of training outside, but that still meant they had to make the trip there and back. It took twice as long, because Even would stop and take pictures of hanging icicles or pawprints in the snow. Though Isak pretended to be annoyed, he was nothing but hopelessly endeared.

 

Isak walked ahead of Even when he stopped again to write something in the snow and take another picture. Something cold and wet hit the back of Isak’s head, icy water dripping down his neck, and Isak spun around to see Even grinning at him, already balling up another snowball. This snowball hit Isak in the chest, and Isak swore and bent down to grab a handful of snow, his fingers already stinging from being so cold.

 

Isak managed to hit Even square in the face, the snow dripping down his cheeks and clinging on to his eyelashes. Even looked horrified for a split second, before both he and Isak burst into fits of laughter.

 

“I’m going to get you back for that!” Even shouted, still laughing as he set off running for Isak, clutching snow in his hand.

 

Isak ran ahead, laughing breathlessly and kicking snow around his ankles. He skidded on the icy ground as Even pelted snowballs at him, hitting his back.

 

Isak knew he’d never be able to outrun Even, and soon enough Even caught up to him, immediately putting Isak in a headlock and rubbing a handful of snow into Isak’s hair. Isak swore and squirmed, and as he tried to push away he lost balance so that both he and Even fell in a heap onto the ground. Even landed first and Isak landed on top of him with a thud, making Even groan.

 

“Holy fuck, you weigh a ton,” Even grumbled, trying to push Isak off of him. They were both still breathless with laughter, and Isak’s feet skidded on the snow as he tried to get himself upright.

 

Once Isak got up, Even stayed on his back and began waving his arms and legs back and forth, making an angel shape in the snow. He was grinning up at Isak, snow dusting his hair and his cheeks bright red from the snow, and Isak’s chest felt tight.  
Since Isak had figured out his feelings for Even, it always stayed in his thoughts, like constant humming white noise in the back of his mind. But in that moment, seeing Even framed by the snow with his eyes sparkling and the brightest smile that Isak loved most, it came back at him with full force. It stopped being a hum and and became almost deafening, and Isak could feel his heart stuttering and head spinning.

 

Even held a hand out to Isak so that he could help him upright, and Isak stuck his hand out woodenly, his cold hand quickly warming from Even’s touch. Even got up and rocked on his heels, still grinning, and still clinging onto Isak’s hand.

 

“That was a bad idea. I’m _freezing_ ,” Even complained, his teeth chattering from the cold.

 

Isak had to swallow down the lump in his throat before he could reply.

 

“It’s frozen water, what did you expect?” Isak croaked, rolling his eyes.

 

Even was shaking, and let go of Isak’s hand to wrap his arms around himself. Isak’s hand immediately felt cold once Even’s left his grip.

 

“Can we go back to yours before we freeze to death?” Even asked. When Even looked at Isak, his face crumpled into a frown and he pulled off his own scarf, immediately wrapping it around Isak’s neck.

 

“I thought you just said you were cold?” Isak said, puzzled, as Even carried on winding the long scarf around Isak’s neck, covering his mouth and nose.

 

“Isak, your lips are blue,” said Even, and Isak almost felt like he was being scolded. Even pulled his jacket off next and made Isak put it on top of his own, completely ignoring Isak insisting that he didn’t need it.

 

“You have the worst immune system, and who am I meant to spent time with if you’re ill in bed for weeks?” Even said matter of factly.

 

Even wrapped his arm around Isak’s shoulders and steered him in the direction of the flat, ignoring his protests. They fell into step easily, Even chattering away and Isak laughing along with him. Isak felt warm all over, and he knew it didn’t have a lot to do with the amount of layers Even had made him wear.

 

The snow crunched under the two boys feet as they walked, Isak waddling slightly due to all the layers. It was still early so the streets were quiet, the snow still mostly unspoiled and the sky still dim, sunlight struggling to break through the thick clouds. Even was snivelling beside Isak, his nose red and running from the cold, and he grimaced when he wiped his nose with his sleeve. Isak rolled his eyes but still couldn’t help the fond smile that crept onto his face.

 

“Hey, what are you doing for Christmas this year?” Even asked, turning his head to Isak who carried on watching his feet and the imprints they made.

 

Isak shrugged. He knew both Eskild and Linn went back to their respective family homes, though Eskild had already planned a ‘Little Christmas Eve Extravaganza’ where Isak and his roommates would have their own Christmas together before Eskild and Linn left.

 

“I haven’t thought about it,” mumbled Isak, and it was half true. It was almost two weeks till Christmas, and Isak had better things to worry about. But mostly he’d been pushing it out of his mind. He had spent last Christmas alone, with his dad already having left and his mother spending the day in bed. Even had of course sent Isak dozens of texts trying to persuade him to come over, but Isak hadn’t wanted to bother anyone, so he spent it on the sofa with leftover pizza from the day before.

 

“Why don’t you come to ours? My mum always cooks enough to feed fifty people anyway, and you know her and Marte would love you to be there. I know Marte has even made you a present,” Even grinned.

 

Isak returned Even’s grin weakly, but stuffed his hands into his pockets and balled them into fists, his muscles growing tense. He didn’t want Even to invite him out of pity, didn’t want to impose on a day meant for family. Though Isak loved Even’s family, he had a feeling that seeing them all together and happy on Christmas would make him feel more alone than ever.

 

Even interrupted Isak’s train of thought by bumping into him and making Isak slip in the snow.

 

“I know what you’re thinking right now, and no, I’m not inviting you because I feel sorry for you,” Even said, his face set into a determined frown. “I’m inviting you because I _want_ you to come.”

 

“You’re inviting me because you know I have nowhere else to go,” Isak mumbled, but Even scoffed loudly before Isak had even finished his sentence.

 

“That’s bullshit and you know it,” Even replied, his voice sharp. “Ever since we became friends, we’ve spent Christmas together. You’d always sneak over to my house once your mum had gone to bed and your dad went for his walk. We’d spend all afternoon playing video games and eating all the leftover food.”

 

Isak smiled at the memory despite himself, and Even’s face softened at the sight.

 

“Do you remember when we decided to climb onto the roof to watch the snow fall? You almost broke your leg when you fell off,” Isak recalled, and Even laughed and nodded.

 

“In hindsight it wasn’t one of my better ideas,” Even admitted, before stopping and grabbing Isak’s hand, pulling him to a stop too before he spoke again. “I get it, okay? I know how it feels to think everyone is tiptoeing around you and think you can’t cope alone, but that’s not what I’m doing. It’s Christmas, I want to spend the day with my favourite people and that includes you.” Even raised an eyebrow, challenging Isak to argue more, but Isak stayed quiet.

 

Ever since Even had been diagnosed, plenty of people had treated him differently once they’d found out. They gave him pitying looks, treated him differently from others, and acted like being bipolar was a death sentence or something to be feared. Isak should have known that Even would never pity Isak like that, would never want to inflict the same thing he hated on his closest friend.

 

“I’ll only come if you promise that we don’t have to watch that shitty Christmas film you love so much,” Isak muttered, and he saw Even grin out of the corner of his eye.

 

“It is _not_ a shitty film. It’s iconic!” Even protested. Isak turned to Even to see his eyes wide and hand on his chest, looking positively outraged and trying hard to fight his smile.

 

“No it’s not, it’s terrible. This year I get to pick the movie, and it won’t be black and white or hundreds of years old like the ones you choose,” Isak argued.

 

Even scoffed and shook his head, before squatting to the ground and balling up some more snow in his fist. Isak tried to run, but before he could get more than a few feet away Even pulled him back by his collar and stuffed the snow down the back of his shirt. Isak hissed and swore as Even laughed loudly, clutching his stomach as his eyes crinkled up at the corners.

 

Isak was shivering, his teeth chattering and his shirt damp as he scowled at Even who just carried on laughing.

 

“Oh fuck _you,”_ Isak growled, bending down to grab his own handful of snow.

 

Even ran down the road, still laughing and Isak laughed with him as he ran behind, the cold air burning his lungs and stinging his face.

 

Their laughter and skidding footsteps echoed through the quiet streets, and despite his eyes watering and heart hammering in his chest as he struggled to run through the snow, it was another rare moment that Isak wished would last forever.

 

*

 

Whenever Eskild threw a party at the flat, it was always over the top and full of noise and people Isak barely recognised. Eskild was always the life and soul of the party, and everyone there seemed to love him. (Though Isak couldn’t blame them. Eskild was full of nothing but warmth.)

 

Eskild’s parties were almost always unavoidable, and Eskild always ended up convincing Isak to stay and join him rather than escaping to Even’s house or hiding in his room. Isak never really regretted it, even if he spent the whole night sat on the sofa watching people laugh and dance together, it always made the weight on his shoulders feel a little bit lighter when he finally retreated to bed.

 

Eskild had planned an early Christmas party for all of the people he worked with. But since they had invited friends, and their friends had invited friends, the flat quickly filled with four times as many people as Eskild had intended. Isak invited his own friends, who never turned down a chance for a party, and convinced Even to come too as moral support.

 

Isak was huddled up on the sofa, Eskild’s friends plying him with drinks so that he barely had to move from his spot. Isak and Even were off competitions for a while, and didn’t have to worry about extra training or drills, so Isak happily took every drink that was handed to him.

 

Jonas was sat beside him, and Magnus sat on the arm of the chair beside them both. Mahdi and Even had been pulled into a game of cards in the middle of the floor, where from the looks of their faces, they were both failing miserably.

 

Isak spotted Alex from across the room, and Isak immediately grinned and waved to him. Alex raised his beer to Isak and blew him a kiss in return. They often messaged each other just to talk, and Isak still found it so freeing to be able to talk to someone who was just like him. He had Even, of course, and his other friends too, but Alex was something separate, an unbiased friend who was always happy to listen, and often understood.

 

Magnus leant over Jonas to grin slyly at Isak, waggling his eyebrows.

 

“Hey Isak! Isn’t that Alex? Are you guys a thing now?” Magnus asked. He had leant over so far that he’d ended up laid over Jonas and Isak, and propped himself up on his elbows to grin up at Isak.

 

“No, Magnus,” Isak said with a roll of his eyes. “We’re just friends.”

 

Magnus’ face immediately turned into a scowl, and he jabbed Isak in the stomach with his finger.

 

“Why the fuck not? You like him, he likes you. Why aren’t you banging?”

 

Both Isak and Jonas groaned in unison, and Isak saw Jonas hide his face in his hands out of the corner of his eye.

 

“He’s just my friend,” Isak repeated sternly, trying to suppress a sigh.

 

“He’s hot, he’s into you, and you want to be just _friends?”_ Magnus scoffed. He rolled onto his back so the he was sprawled across Isak and Jonas’ laps, and stared up at them. “You won’t find anyone as good as him for a long time, bro.”

 

Isak didn’t say it, but he was almost certain he already had found someone way better. It was just a shame that someone happened to be his oldest and closest friend.

 

Jonas gave Magnus a shove, making him roll off of the sofa and onto the floor with a thud.

 

“Why don’t _you_ go and date him then, since you’re so interested?” Jonas said, and both Isak and Jonas laughed together as Magnus swore at Jonas and struggled to get himself upright.

 

Magnus got up and glared at his two friends, before giving them the finger and making his way to the kitchen to hunt down more beer. Jonas and Isak carried on laughing, leaning into each other, giddy from the alcohol and atmosphere of the room.

 

Jonas turned to look at Isak, scanning his face before his mouth curled up into a smile.

 

“You look good, man,” said Jonas, nudging Isak’s ankle with his foot.

 

Isak snorted and raised an eyebrow in question.

 

“I always look good, asshole,” Isak retorted, making Jonas shake his head and laugh before punching Isak in the arm.

 

“Shut up,” Jonas scoffed, rolling his eyes. “I mean you look happier. You always looked so tired these past few months.”

 

Isak ducked his head with a shrug. He knew he’d been a terrible friend, had distanced himself from Jonas, Magnus, and Mahdi. He was too lost in his own head to care about the people around him.

 

“I’m sorry I was so miserable,” Isak mumbled, but Jonas shook his head again.

 

“You were going through a tough time, Isak. I just wish you would have talked to me,” Jonas said, his smile faltering a little.

 

Isak hated that his friends blamed themselves for him not opening up to them. He just had too many secrets that all seemed like far too much. He’d held them close for so long that he hadn’t been quite sure how to tell people about them.

 

“I’m sorry.” Isak said again. “You know I trust you, right?”

 

Jonas nodded, but was still frowning as he leaned in a little closer to Isak.

 

“Isak, did you think I’d hate you if you told me that you were gay?” he asked, concern lacing his tone.

 

Isak hesitated for a split second, thinking back to how he’d felt before he told his friends. Jonas took the pause as a yes, and his face dropped. He looked positively miserable, and Isak felt terrible.

 

“Of course not,” Isak reassured, keeping Jonas’ gaze. “It was _my_ problem, not yours. I was just scared.”

 

Isak had known deep down that his friends would understand because they were good people, but his mind had been full of nasty little thoughts that tried to convince him otherwise.

 

Jonas reached out and squeezed Isak’s shoulder, his smile returning.

 

“We’re your friends. Your problems are our problems from now on, okay?” Jonas said sternly. The tip of his nose was pink, and Isak knew he’d drunk almost twice as much as Isak had. But Isak also knew that Jonas meant every single word.

 

There was a lump in Isak’s throat as he nodded and gave Jonas a watery smile. Isak was lucky to have the friends he did. Even though he wasn’t always as good as a friend to them as he should be, they always stood by him. Though they often made fun of each other and struggled to be honest with one another sometimes, they were a small but strong unit, and Isak was grateful for them.

 

Jonas clapped Isak on the back and left Isak to try and teach Mahdi how to play poker, immediately rolling his eyes when Mahdi showed him his hand.

 

Isak folded his legs underneath himself on the sofa and watched people pass him by. He never found himself left with an empty cup, since someone always seemed to appear and put a new drink in his hand. Eskild had a close group of friends who came to the flat often, and Isak had gotten to know them all well. They were all friends Eskild had made when he was studying, and the first group of friends that Eskild had came out to. Isak had never asked them, but Eskild had told him that none of them were straight, and the small group they had created together had made Eskild feel completely safe for the first time. Eskild’s friends were good and kind, and had taken Isak under their wing just as Eskild had, and Isak understood immediately why Eskild had felt so safe with them. Each of them passed by and pulled Isak into a hug, passing him yet another drink along with a ruffle of his hair or a kiss on his cheek, and it made Isak feel warm all over.

 

It wasn’t long before the lights of the room blurred into a sea of colours, and his friend’s voices sounded too far away when they came back to speak to him. The room was spinning and tilting and laughter bubbled in Isak’s chest for no reason at all as he lolled his head back and stared up at the ceiling.

 

Isak felt someone sit beside him, wrapping their arm around his waist. He whipped his head around to look who it was, accidentally bumping their foreheads together as he did, and he immediately leant back with a groan. Even was facing Isak, rubbing his own head and grimacing, his arm still tightly wrapped around Isak’s waist. Isak mumbled apologies, reaching out to push Even’s hair out of his face and examine the red mark on his forehead.

 

“Shit, I’m sorry,” Isak said, biting his lip and trying hard not to laugh. Even just shook his head, grinning, and curled his hand around the back of Isak’s neck, pulling him close enough that their foreheads were touching.

 

“You’re my best friend,” Even said loudly. His words were slurring together and Isak could see that his eyes were glazed over, his smile lopsided. “Did you know that? You’re my favourite person in the whole world.”

 

Isak’s lungs felt too small, the string wrapped around his heart getting tighter and tighter. He and Even were so close that if Isak just moved forward a little bit more, he could kiss him. Isak wanted to see what would happen, how Even would react - if he would even react at all.

 

“You’re my best friend, too,” Isak managed to choke out, hooking his arms over Even’s shoulders and watching Even scan his face, still smiling his stupid smile that Isak loved so much.

 

Isak’s heart was hammering in his chest, bouncing off his ribs as Even tangled his fingers into the hair at the nape of Isak’s neck. They were so close that it was almost unbearable, but somehow Isak still didn’t think that it was close enough.

 

Isak wanted to close the distance, wanted to kiss Even and see if it would be just as amazing as he’d dreamt so many times before. Just as he took a deep breath and moved to tilt his head forward, someone shouted Isak’s name and prodded at his arm. Isak immediately jumped backwards out of Even’s grasp, gasping like he had been drowning and was coming up for air.

 

Eskild was stood over Isak and Even with a concerned frown on his face, and he leant down to whisper-shout into Isak’s ear.

 

“Hey, can I see you in the kitchen for a second?” he asked, wrapping his fingers around Isak’s wrist and pulling him upright. Isak swayed as he stood up, the room tilting sickeningly, but Eskild put his hand at the small of Isak’s back and guided him to the kitchen.

 

Once Isak was in there, he collapsed heavily onto a chair and Eskild immediately pushed a glass of water towards Isak, still frowning.

 

“Why are you looking at me like that?” Isak mumbled. The room was far too bright, and his stomach was twisting and flipping in protest to him moving, a headache slowly creeping up his spine.

 

“Isak, do you know what you were doing out there?” Eskild asked carefully, pulling a chair out and sitting right in front of Isak.

 

Isak guzzled the water down, trying to stave off the thudding in his head, and Eskild immediately passed another full glass over to him.

 

“We were just talking,” Isak replied, his face creasing up in confusion. Isak and Even were always closer than normal friends, always hugging and holding hands. It was what they had always been like. Isak liked it that way.

 

“I know things between you and Even have gotten complicated…” Eskild began, but Isak interrupted with a scoff.

 

“Yeah,” he muttered. “And it’s all my fault for going and falling in love with him like an _idiot_.”

 

Eskild reached out and patted Isak’s knee, hushing him. A few people in the kitchen had turned to stare at them, and it was only then did Isak realise he’d been shouting.

 

“It’s okay that you love him Isak. I told you, it’s normal. But I don’t think you should be this drunk around him when you’re feeling the way you are,” Eskild said softly, pushing a third glass of water into Isak’s hands.

 

“I’ll always feel like this, though. I know I will,” Isak lamented, slumping forward and putting his head in his hands.

 

Eskild just leant forward to rub Isak’s back, mumbling to him that it would be okay, and a wave of tiredness washed over Isak and made his eyes burn, his headache getting even worse.

 

Eskild helped Isak to his feet, and guided him to the hallway, opening the door to his own room.

 

“You can sleep in my bed tonight,” Eskild insisted, pointing to his bed. “Sleep this off, and we can talk about it tomorrow, okay?”

 

Isak was too tired, bones too heavy and head too full of fog to think, so he just gave a short nod and shuffled into Eskild’s room, immediately collapsing onto the bed.

 

Isak fell asleep almost immediately, but not before he heard the sound of Even’s laugh ring through the flat, loud and clear despite all of the white noise of the party.

 

*

 

Isak woke up the next morning with a dry throat and his head pounding. The light streaming through the curtains made Isak’s eyes burn, and when he turned away to face the wall, his stomach churned sickeningly.

 

It took Isak a long time to work out that he was in Eskild’s bed, not his own, fragments of memories from the night before scattered around his brain. Isak could hear someone breathing heavily beside him, and when he peeked over the bed he saw Jonas and Mahdi sleeping on the floor, wrapped up in a blanket. He groaned and rolled onto his back, slinging his arm across his face to shield his eyes from the sun as he tried to match up the pieces of what he could remember from the night before.

 

Most of it was just a blur of wide smiles and loud laughter, but then Isak remembered something different. He remembered talking to Even, their faces close, and the stomach swooping, heart stopping feeling that had come with it.

 

Isak had tried not to let things change between him and Even. He had been cautious, trying to never stare at Even too long, and stamping his heart down whenever it had started to flutter. But he knew that Even knew him well, and Isak wasn’t the best at hiding his feelings at the best of times, so he’d been constantly worried that Even would find out. He’d let himself forget for awhile last night, had drank too much and gotten too close to Even, and an overwhelming, stinging wave of embarrassment washed over him. Isak groaned again and pushed himself upright, clutching his head when it throbbed in protest.

 

It took a while for him to convince his body to cooperate and swing his legs over the bed so that he could get up. He shuffled into the kitchen slowly, his limbs feeling heavy and weak and his gut still churning. As Isak made his way past his room, he stopped when he realised his door was open. Even and Magnus were fast asleep on his bed, Magnus curled up on the end like a cat, and Even was laid facing the door, hugging one of Isak’s pillows to his chest.

 

Eskild was already in the kitchen, leaning against the kitchen counter. He immediately handed a coffee over to Isak when he saw him, and Isak grunted a thanks.

 

“You look just as rough as you did on the first morning you stayed here,” Eskild said, raising an eyebrow.

 

Isak just scowled in return, sipping the coffee and wincing as it burned down his throat.

 

Eskild poured out another coffee for himself, before turning back to Isak, his face softening.

 

“How are you feeling?” he asked softly. He nodded his head towards Isak’s room, where Even was still sleeping, and Isak sighed.

 

“Embarrassed,” he muttered. “Thanks. For, y’know,” He trailed off with a shrug. He’d remembered Eskild pulling him away from Even and sending him away to his room for the night, and he was grateful he’d at least been stopped before he ruined everything completely.

 

Eskild waved it off with a kind smile and a wink, and Isak rolled his eyes but couldn’t help but smile back.

 

“I understand how you’re feeling, Isak. You remind me so much of me when I was younger. You know Even loves you, right? Even if it’s not the way you want, he adores you.” Eskild moved across the kitchen to stand beside Isak, bumping their shoulders together.

 

Isak nodded and bit his lip. He knew he and Even were the best of friends and probably always would be, and Isak hated the little part of himself that still wanted more.

 

Eskild opened his mouth to speak again, but just as he did, Even came into the kitchen, sleep ruffled and yawning. He mumbled out a good morning to Isak and Eskild, immediately taking Isak’s half drank coffee out of his hand. Isak gave it up without any protest.

 

“Did you have a good night, Even?” Eskild asked. Even was leant heavily into Isak’s other side, Isak almost propping Even up as he drained the rest of Isak’s coffee.

 

“You always have the best parties, Eskild,” Even said with a grin, which Eskild quickly returned.

 

Eskild turned and motioned to the counter that was covered in empty beer and spirit bottles. There was even a pile stacked up in the sink, and Eskild sighed loudly.

 

“Everyone comes to my parties and drinks all my alcohol, but I bet no one will want to help me clean all of this up,” he lamented.

 

Even put the mug down to hold his hands up and shake his head.

 

“You can’t blame me,” he said with a sly grin. “I can only drink a few beers with my medication.”

 

“That’s a terrible excuse,” Eskild said with a roll of his eyes, but Isak could see that he was fighting a smile.

 

Even appreciated Eskild for the same reason Isak did - because he never tiptoed around them. Eskild was honest and caring, and treat everyone just the same. After Isak had been living at the flat for a month, Even had stayed over a few nights, and Eskild had found his medication in the bathroom. Isak remembered Even tensing up, ready for the sympathy or the bombardment of questions he usually got, but instead, Eskild had handed something over to Even with a grin.

 

“I was on antidepressants for a while, and this made things seem a little more cheerful,” he’d said, handing Even a medicine dispenser. It was bright pink and covered in stickers, from love hearts to rainbows and sunshines.

 

Even had been absolutely delighted, and always used it from then on. Eskild made jokes with Even about his bipolar, but never at Even’s expense; it was always just to make him smile. Eskild had a special way of always knowing how to cheer people up, and Isak had learnt that very quickly.

 

“I’m going to shower so I can wash the stink of beer and weed off of me,” Even announced, pulling Isak back to the present as he nudged him with his elbow. “Hey, can I lend some of your clothes? I forgot to bring some spare and someone spilled their drink all over me last night,” he added with a grimace.

 

“Sure, you know what fits. Just don’t steal my Biggie shirt again. The last time you wore it, you kept it for months,” Isak said, raising an eyebrow.

  
Even just winked, patting Isak on the back and grinning at Eskild before disappearing off towards Isak’s room.

 

Isak watched Even leave, and when he turned back, Eskild was staring at him, trying to fight a smile.

 

“What are you looking at?” Isak grumbled, frowning.

 

“You two are practically a married couple, it’s adorable,” Eskild said with a snort.

 

Isak ducked his head to hide the way his face was heating up, and flipped Eskild off as he retreated from the kitchen, ignoring Eskild’s laughter behind him.

 

*

 

Isak went into his room to find Mahdi and Jonas had woken up and joined Magnus and Even. They were all sat on Isak’s bed, scrolling through their phones and exchanging stories from the night before.

 

“A _guy_ chatted me up, can you believe it? He asked if I wanted to hook up!” Magnus was saying as Isak sat himself beside Jonas. All of the other boys rolled their eyes and sighed simultaneously.

 

“It’s no different from a girl asking if you wanted to hook up. If you don’t want to, you can just say no. It’s no big deal, man,” said Jonas. Isak noticed Mahdi watching Jonas carefully with a strange look on his face, and when he caught Isak looking he ducked his head.

 

Magnus just mumbled something under his breath and shrugged, folding his arms petulantly, and the moment was gone.

 

Even was sat beside Isak, and Isak was hyper aware of how close they were. He wondered if Even remembered the night before the same way Isak did, if he knew how close Isak was to kissing Even and ruining everything.

 

Even rested his head on Isak’s shoulder with a sigh, and despite it being something Even did often, it made Isak immediately tense up. Discomfort bubbled in his stomach as Isak shrugged his shoulders and shook Even off, pretending he didn’t see Even’s confused frown as he got off his bed and mumbled something about getting everyone a drink.

 

Isak retreated from his room and into the kitchen quickly, hiding his head in his hands and sighing as he leant against the wall. If Even was still okay with Isak, if he was still acting as normal, then surely Even didn’t see the night before the same way Isak had. But Isak felt like he’d crossed a line, and everything felt wrong.

 

Isak heard footsteps come into the kitchen, and his head whipped up to see Mahdi stood in the doorway, wringing his hands and shuffling from foot to foot.

 

“What’s up?” Isak asked, straightening himself up and trying to shake off the dread on his shoulders.

 

“Mags told me to tell you he’s hungry, and Even and Jonas want coffee,” Mahdi said with a shrug and a half smile, and Isak rolled his eyes, turning to the cupboards to hunt down food.

 

Mahdi appeared beside Isak, setting out cups for the four boys and grabbing the jar of coffee. Isak heard Even’s loud laughter in the room next door, and he instinctively smiled to himself.

 

“Hey, Isak?” Mahdi began, his voice quiet and uncertain. Isak had never heard Mahdi sound so nervous, and he immediately turned to look at him with a frown.

 

They were both quiet for a few moments, despite Isak prompting Mahdi to carry on. Mahdi began shuffling from foot to foot once more, staring at the ground.

 

“How did you know?” asked Mahdi, then rushed to add, “that you were gay, I mean.”

 

Isak wasn’t sure what he’d expected Mahdi to say, but _that_ certainly hadn’t crossed his mind. He didn’t know how to answer either, since it hadn’t been like an epiphany or something that had been with him since birth like he’d always seen in the movies. It had crept up slowly as a feeling he couldn’t name so usually ignored, until it became too much to squash down anymore.

 

“I’m not sure,” Isak replied lamely, “I knew I wasn’t like you guys. I didn’t care about girls. But I guess I just ignored that for a long time.”

 

Mahdi nodded, his shoulders dropping and relaxing slightly. “So were you never, y’know, interested in girls?” he asked, and Isak almost laughed out loud.

 

He’d pretended for a long time. Had hooked up with plenty of girls for show, and though he’d gotten pretty good at it, and knew how to be charming, it’d never meant anything. He remembered feeling empty, like something was gnawing away at him; a constant dull ache inside.

 

“No. But I didn’t know that I was interested in boys either,” Isak said with a shrug.

 

There was another silence, and Isak went back to pulling snacks out of the cupboard, the tension dissipating from the room as Mahdi whistled to himself whilst he made their drinks. Isak knew there was more Mahdi wanted to ask, from the way he kept glancing at Isak from the corner of his eye, but Isak just waited patiently.

He and Mahdi were friends of course, but Mahdi was quiet and closed off, and Isak knew he was guilty of the same, so it wasn’t often they talked about particularly meaningful things together. There was the years of Isak ignoring his feelings too -and always feeling wrong somehow - so talking about it was strange.

 

Mahdi’s whistling died out, and Isak knew he was thinking of his next question.

 

“Did you get a crush on a guy? Is that what made you realise?”

 

“No,” Isak replied. “I guess I was just sick of being fake all the time.”

 

Mahdi’s face cleared, and a small smile appeared on his face as he patted Isak on the back.

 

“Good for you, man,” he said softly, before disappearing out of the room with two of the mugs in hand.

 

Isak stared after him for a while, wondering why exactly Mahdi had even started the conversation in the first place. Talking to people was getting easier for Isak; when before the words would get clogged up in his throat, it was slowly becoming natural to just let the words out.

 

He’d always felt so detached from himself, like he was wrong and broken somehow. But the more he talked to people who cared and who were willing to listen, the more he was getting used to what being himself felt like.

 

Magnus called Isak loudly, breaking his reverie, and Isak rolled his eyes but smiled fondly as he collected the food and other mugs to carry them back to his room where all of his friends were waiting.

 

They were all crowded around Isak’s laptop scrolling through Netflix when Isak came back in, with Even and Jonas at the head of the bed and Magnus and Mahdi at the foot. There was a space beside Even, which he smiled and nodded to when Isak caught his eye, but Isak immediately looked away and took the space beside Mahdi instead, trying to ignore the stab of guilt in his chest. He hated that he felt awkward around Even because of the embarrassment that clouded his mind and made his stomach churn. Even might not have even given it a second thought, but Isak couldn’t get rid of the memory of him getting too close to Even and acting like an idiot, making his feelings blindingly clear. He was sure the shame would fade eventually, but for the moment, being too close to Even made his skin prickle.

 

Eventually, both Mahdi and Magnus left to go home, and as Mahdi passed by Isak he squeezed his shoulder and gave him a secret smile which Isak happily returned. Isak had a feeling that Mahdi would probably never mention what they’d spoken about again, but Isak hoped that he’d answered whatever question Mahdi needed answering well enough.

 

Even left too, once it was dark outside, ruffling both Isak and Jonas’ hair as he got up and giving both of them a smile that seemed too forced to be genuine. Isak breathed a small sigh of relief once the door shut behind Even, and he immediately felt guilty for it.

 

“What’s going on with you and Even?” Jonas demanded the second they heard the front door slam.

 

Isak’s stomach swooped as he turned to Jonas, wide eyed. He had no idea if anyone but Eskild had seen him and Even last night, or how it had looked to anyone from the outside. Jonas sounded almost accusatory, and it made Isak feel cold all over.

 

“What do you mean?” mumbled Isak, feigning ignorance.

 

Jonas just rolled his eyes and elbowed Isak in the side.

 

“You’ve barely spoken to him all day, Isak. I know that you’re avoiding him, I’m not stupid,” he said.

 

Isak deflated with a sigh and flopped backwards to lie on his bed and stare at the ceiling. He grunted and waved his hand around in lieu of an answer, not quite knowing what to say. Even he felt stupid for it, knew the crawling under his skin was irrational and ignoring Even would do nothing for either of them.

 

“You guys are best friends, I’ve literally never seen you two argue in all the time I’ve known you. What’s happened?” Jonas asked, flopping down beside Isak and turning his head to face him. Isak carried on staring at the ceiling.

 

“Nothing’s happened,” Isak reassured, before sighing again. “Things are just...weird, I guess.”

 

Isak could feel Jonas’ gaze burning a hole into the side of his head, so he turned to meet his eyes. His expression was soft, a small smile on his face as he turned to lay on his side and give Isak’s arm a squeeze.

 

“You can talk to me if you want, you know. Your problems are my problems, remember?” said Jonas, raising an eyebrow and making Isak huff a laugh.

 

Talking to Eskild about Even had helped, but it still weighed on his mind constantly. It was always sat on the tip of his tongue, waiting to spill out. It was a balloon inside of his chest that was inflating steadily, expanding and growing, squeezing against his ribs and squashing his lungs. Isak wondered what would happen when it burst, if he’d finally be able breathe properly again, or if he would explode along with it.

 

He didn’t know what Jonas would think; wasn’t sure if he wanted to find out. He’d promised Jonas that he’d be more honest with him, that he’d let him know what was going on in his mind, but that was easier said than done.

 

“It’s not a problem. I’m fine,” Isak insisted, but Jonas just snorted, looking skeptical.

 

“Did you two-,” Jonas began, then paused, searching for the words. “Did something happen between you two last night?”

 

Isak immediately shook his head before Jonas had even finished his sentence.

 

“No, no,” Isak said, but then he shrugged, his face tilting into a sad smile. “I maybe wish it did though,” he admitted, his voice quieting into a whisper.

 

Jonas couldn’t hide the way his eyes widened, and Isak held his breath for every second of silence that came after. Jonas blinked, opened his mouth to speak, then shut his mouth again.

 

Even though it was only a few moments, it felt like a lifetime before Jonas spoke again.

 

“Makes sense,” he said simply with a shrug and Isak barked a laugh of disbelief.

 

“ _Makes sense?”_ he echoed.

 

“He’s your best friend. Your favourite person, right?” Jonas asked, and he waited for Isak to nod before he spoke again.

 

“Everyone falls in love with their favourite person. Sometimes a little bit, sometimes a lot.”

 

“Is this you trying to tell me that you’re in love with me?” Isak joked with a smirk, making Jonas laugh loudly.

 

“You wish,” he muttered, still chuckling.

 

Isak’s face dropped into a frown, and he threw his arm across his eyes with a groan.

 

“Falling in love with your best friend is so clichéd,” he complained, sighing. He didn’t ask to be a part of a stupid typical teenage romance novel, and he was sure he had no chance of a happy ending that the characters in books got.

 

Jonas’ face smoothed out and became serious again as he looked to Isak and gave him a sympathetic smile. “Are you gonna talk to him about it?”

 

“What would I say?” Isak asked, rubbing his hand across his face and tangling his fingers into his hair.

 

“Say how you feel, man. You can’t just avoid him forever, I can’t cope with you being grumpy all the time because of this,” Jonas said, sitting himself back up and looking down at Isak.

 

Isak groaned again and hid his face in his hands, and Jonas sighed exasperatedly and pulled him up to sit beside him.

 

“I just don’t want anything to change,” Isak muttered miserably.

 

“Isak, things already have changed,” Jonas replied quietly, wrapping his arm around Isak’s shoulders and pulling him into a one armed hug.

 

Isak sighed and leaned into Jonas with a frown, but didn’t protest because he knew that Jonas was right. Talking to his friends helped him put his thoughts in order, but only talking to Even would truly help him. Anxiety prickled across Isak’s skin from just the thought of it, but he knew he had to do it, or the wedge he’d driven between himself and Even to keep his secrets secret would have to stay there forever.

 

*

 

Isak had been sat on his bed for over half an hour now, staring down at the package wrapped up messily and covered in an annoying amount of glitter. Eskild had given him the wrapping paper, of course, because Isak would never buy anything that over the top. Isak usually wrapped any gifts he bought in newspaper or tissue paper, but he wanted this gift to be special, and newspaper just wasn’t good enough this time.

 

It was a week till Christmas, it had been nine months since Isak had moved out of his house, just as long since he’d seen his mother, and today he was going to visit her for the first time.

 

His hands were shaking as he picked up the present, his breathing shallow and a lump in his throat that he couldn’t swallow down. Isak had rang and immediately hung up on the centre where his mother was staying five times before finally getting the courage to book himself in for visitation, and then he’d almost rang back and cancelled three times after that. He’d gone over every single scenario that could possibly happen, and spent plenty of nights awake and unable to sleep, panic weighing down on his chest and making his eyes sting.

 

Someone knocked on Isak’s bedroom door softly, and Even peeked around the gap by the door frame, offering Isak a grin which Isak tried and failed to return. Even immediately strode over to Isak and pulled him upright, gently taking the present out of his hands and placing it on the bed before pulling Isak into a tight hug. Even rubbed circles into Isak’s back as Isak clung on to him and tried to breathe in time with Even’s slow heartbeat. Even was warm and smelt of cinnamon after a morning baking with his mum and Marte, and Isak shut his eyes and hid his face in the crook of Even’s neck, letting the calm wash over him.

 

Isak was terrified, and had admitted as much to Even, who had immediately offered to go with Isak to the centre, just so Isak could feel at least a little bit more comfortable. Isak had been so grateful that he had agreed immediately, and as he hugged Even tightly and felt his heart rate slow, he knew he’d made the right decision saying yes.

 

Despite all of Isak’s stupid feelings that made his stomach lurch whenever Even touched him, the way they clouded his thoughts sometimes and made smiles and innocent touches seem too complicated. Isak was glad for this: having his best friend there for him when he needed it, to be there as a solid warm comfort that made breathing just a little bit easier.

 

When they let each other go, Even scanned Isak’s face, hands on Isak’s shoulders and his brows knitted together.

 

“Okay?” he asked quietly.

 

Isak nodded, not trusting himself to speak, before picking the gift back up and cradling it to his chest.

 

They shuffled out of the door and into the cold together, and Even tugged on Isak’s sleeve until he tucked the present under one arm so that Even could tangle their fingers together. Even squeezed Isak’s hand, and Isak squeezed right back, shooting him a small but genuine smile as they waited to catch their tram.

 

The ride was quiet, neither of the two boys feeling a need to speak to one another as Isak leaned into Even’s side and watched him tap out a rhythm on his knee. Isak swapped the gift from hand to hand, the glitter covering the tips of his fingers and the wrapping paper already tearing at the corners. It was just a photo frame, decorated with silver vines and flowers, and in the frame was a photo of Isak and his mother. It was from Isak’s sixteenth birthday, him with his arms slung around his mother’s neck, and her pressing a kiss to Isak’s cheek, both of them laughing together. It was one of Isak’s favourite pictures, the only fairly recent one he had of his mum before everything had gone to shit. He’d kept it in his wallet since he had left home, so it was covered in crease marks from Isak folding and unfolding it plenty of times whenever he needed to look at it.

 

Before Isak knew it, they were at their stop, and his breathing became shallow once more, his clammy hands clinging on tightly to the brightly wrapped present.

 

“Do you still want to do this?” Even asked. He had stood up and was holding a hand out to Isak to help him upright, his face creased with concern.

 

Isak took a deep breath, then another, and then looked up to Even and nodded.

 

“I’m okay,” he insisted, taking Even’s hand.

 

They were early, because Isak had worried they’d get the wrong tram even though he’d checked which to take dozens of times, and didn’t want to be late when his mother would be waiting for him. He and Even sat in the small dimly lit waiting room, the chairs squeaking under their every movement, and the only sound was the tapping of keyboard keys from the frazzled looking receptionist at the desk.

 

For the first time in months, Isak was just minutes away from seeing his mother. He wondered if she’d changed, if her eyes were still as soft and warm as Isak remembered, if she still smiled  with her mouth closed because she never liked showing her teeth. He wondered if she’d missed him too, if she felt the same nervous excitement he was feeling.

 

“What if she doesn’t remember me?” Isak asked out loud. His voice was barely above a whisper, but still echoed around the small room.

 

“She’s your mum, how could she ever forget you?” Even replied, turning to frown at Isak.

 

Isak brought his shoulders up to his ears and tucked his hands into his pockets, balling his fingers into a fist and digging his nails into his palm.

 

“Just before I moved out-,” Isak began, and he felt Even tense up beside him. They barely talked about it, mostly because Isak didn’t want to remember, and Even didn’t want to know.  
“It was as if she didn’t know me, like I was a ghost. The last time I saw her, she threw a book at my head and called me a sinner. She treated me like I was a stranger.” Isak took a shaking breath. He could never get that image out of head, how she stared at him like she could see right into his soul, and it had made Isak shudder and want to claw out of his own skin.

 

Even’s breath came out in a gust as he ran his hand through his hair before taking Isak’s hand once more.

 

“Isak, she wasn’t well then. You know that’s not her,” he said softly.

 

Isak nodded, breathing in time with the circles Even was drawing into the back of Isak’s hand.

 

“I know. But what if I can never get her back?” Isak asked.

 

Even bit his lip, looking down like he was searching for an answer. When he looked up and opened his mouth to speak, they were interrupted by one of the nurses calling Isak’s name.

 

Even gave Isak’s hand one last squeeze before letting go with a nod and a small smile.

 

“I’ll be waiting right here,” he promised, and Isak could feel Even’s eyes on him as he followed the nurse down the winding corridors.

 

He was taken into a large hall, full of armchairs and small tables, with people sat around and talking in groups. There were Christmas decorations hung up around the windows, and an overly-decorated Christmas tree in the corner. When Isak’s eyes fell on his mother sat curled up in one of the armchairs reading a book, everything else seemed to disappear. She’d always had her nose in a book, always told Isak how much she loved travelling to different places by reading all different kinds of stories. She’d always tell Isak about every single one, excitement shining in her eyes.

 

Isak was frozen to the spot, overwhelmed with the rush of emotions hitting him, and when his mother lifted her head and met Isak’s stare, his heart stopped.

 

Isak looked at his mother, and she looked right back at him. This time, she didn’t look through him, or with a single hint of resentment or fear. She just looked at him with her kind smile and warm eyes that used to greet Isak every day when he came home from school.

 

It was like everything was in slow motion as she got up out of her chair and made her way to Isak, immediately reaching out and brushing her fingers across his cheek when she was close enough.

 

“You look tired, darling,” she said, and her voice wasn’t hoarse or shaking. It was like music to Isak’s ears. “How are you? Have you been getting enough rest?”

 

“I should be the one asking how _you_ are,” Isak choked out, coughing out a laugh as he tried to blink away his tears.

 

He could tell just from looking at her that she was much better than the last time he’d seen her. Her hair was neatly brushed, her eyes bright, and her face no longer pale and sunken like it had been before. She smelt of the sickly perfume she always wore too much of, and her hand was warm against Isak’s cheek.

 

“Oh, I’m just fine,” she insisted, reaching up to comb her fingers through Isak’s hair. “But I’ve been worried about you, it’s been a while.”

 

She hadn’t meant for it to sound like an accusation, but it felt like one anyway. Isak dropped his eyes to the ground and felt a sob rise up in his throat.

 

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled weakly. It wasn’t enough. No amount of apologising could ever be enough.

 

His mother put her fingers under Isak’s chin and coaxed his head back up. She was still smiling, not a hint of resentment on her face as she tutted and leant forward to press a kiss to Isak’s forehead.

 

“You have nothing to apologise for,” she insisted, her tone leaving no room for argument.

 

Isak just shut his eyes and leant into her touch, breathing her in. She was fine, she was happy, she forgave him.

 

“Now, let me tell you about this new book I’ve started,” she said cheerily, taking Isak’s hand and leading him towards her chair.

 

Isak sat on the arm of the chair whilst she talked about the book, holding it to her chest and talking animatedly about the story and how the main character reminded her so much of Isak.

 

“He’s brave and kind, just like you,” she said, giving his arm a gentle squeeze as she smiled up at him.

 

They spent most of their time talking about books and school and wonderfully mundane things that didn’t make Isak’s chest feel painfully tight. Isak catalogued every one of his mother’s smiles, registered every laugh he got out of her, and filed away her tear filled eyes and bright grin when she opened Isak’s gift.

 

“Oh, I remember this day,” she said wistfully. “I took you to an ice cream parlour and you ate so much you were almost sick.”

 

She traced her fingers gently around Isak’s face on the photo, smiling brightly, and Isak felt tears clogging his throat again.

 

“I thought you’d-,” he began, then took a deep breath, ducking his head when his mother looked to him with a frown. “I thought you might have forgotten it.” _Forgotten me,_ he didn’t say, but it seemed as though she heard it anyway.

 

She looked desperately sad as she turned in her chair and took both of Isak’s hands in hers, waiting until he looked up at her before she spoke.

 

“I could _never_ forget you,” she said, her voice quiet but strong. “You are the best thing in my life. You mean everything to me, I’m just sorry I didn’t show that for a while.”

 

Isak shook his head, his eyes stinging. “You don’t need to apologise. You were sick.”

 

“I was,” she said with a nod. “But I never stopped loving you or caring about you.”

 

A tear rolled down her cheek, and Isak reached out and caught it just before it dropped off her chin, and she leaned into the touch as she spoke again.

 

“It was all in my head, and it took over sometimes. But you were always in my heart,” she said, putting her hand on her chest and giving Isak a watery smile. “Love is a world of its own that lives in the heart, not in the head. It’s much stronger than any silly illness.”

 

Isak didn’t know what to say, didn’t know if he could say anything without crying like a baby. It was like his mother had taken all of his fears and boxed them away, soothed every open wound he’d had for so long, and made him feel whole again.

 

He leant forward and kissed her cheek, feeling her smile as he did. She squeezed his hands in return, and they both grinned at each other for a few moments, a silent conversation passing between them.

 

Isak had been reluctant to give away the photo for a while, because it had been one of the only good memories he could keep that wasn’t tainted. He was worried he’d never get the chance to be that happy with his mother again, but as she got back into telling Isak about her story, one hand still on his knee, Isak knew he had a lot more happy memories between them to come.

 

Time passed quickly, and soon, visiting time was over. Isak got up off his seat and stretched, looking at the time of his phone. He was surprised by how much time he’d spent sat talking to his mum - he couldn’t remember the last time they’d held a conversation for more than a few minutes.

 

“I should go,” Isak said reluctantly, motioning to the doors. “Even’s waiting for me outside.”

 

Isak’s mum’s smile immediately turned fond as she got up out of her chair to stand in front of Isak.

 

“I’m so glad you have Even. You two take such good care of each other,” she said, and Isak felt like he was glowing.

 

“I’m glad I have him too,” he replied quietly. He knew he’d never have the courage to come and visit his mother if he hadn’t had Even with him for every step. Having Even around hadn’t solved anything, but it had made things a lot easier than they would have been without him.

 

Isak hugged his mum tightly, clinging on to her and breathing her in as she hugged him back just as fiercely, smoothing his hair down and rocking him from side to side. Isak promised he would visit her again as soon as he could, and he meant it. He knew not every day with his mother would be as good - she would always be ill, and like Even had told him, her recovery would never be completely straight forward. But Isak felt like he could deal with it better now, felt like he could face it without crumbling apart.

 

Isak left the room with the voice of his mother telling him how proud she was echoing through his head and without the cold weight that usually settled on his shoulders.  

 

Even was still sat where Isak had left him in the reception. He had the sketchbook he’d brought with him open on his lap, and was frowning down at the page, tapping his pencil on his knee. Isak stopped in the doorway and watched as Even made a small noise of victory, smiling down at the page and beginning to draw. Even always had pieces of paper and napkins covered in doodles filling every coat pocket and scattered around his room. He loved to draw, and Isak had plenty of the short comics and small cartoons tacked up on his walls and tucked away in his jean pockets.

 

Isak cleared his throat, and Even’s head immediately snapped up. He jumped up off his chair and made his way over to Isak, his eyes scanning Isak’s face whilst keeping his own expression blank.  
  
“Okay?” He asked, and Isak could hear the wariness in his tone.  
  
Even had already asked Isak the same thing earlier, and that time he had been filled with nothing but dread. This time, he couldn’t hold back the smile that took over his face as joy bubbled up his chest and came out as breathless laughter.  
  
He nodded, and watched Even’s face break into a grin that matched his own before he tackled Isak into a hug that knocked the breath out him. He felt Even laugh into his ear and shut his eyes when Even moved his hand up to tangle his fingers in Isak’s hair. Isak looked behind Even’s shoulder to see the loose bits of paper from Even’s sketchbook scattered across the floor, doodles covered in bright bursts of colour covering the dull grey carpet.

 

After months of feeling lost, of being weighed down by guilt, Isak had finally gotten the courage to see his mother.

 

“She’s okay,” Isak mumbled. It was more to himself than Even, but still, Even breathed a sigh of relief and hugged Isak a little bit tighter.

 

*

 

The flat was filled with far too many decorations, and the tree was too big for the room so curled up where it hit the ceiling. There were Christmas songs blasting through the flat that had been on repeat for hours, and the kitchen was covered in used pots and pans and spoons. Linn was stirring a pot full of rice pudding, and they’d most definitely gone overboard since there were only four of them but Eskild and Even had somehow prepared enough to feed three times as many. Eskild was making even more Christmas decorations, despite the tree being already full of his various glitter covered creations. He had a christmas tree painted on one cheek and sparkling green eyeshadow to match, and he sang loudly to every song that played.

 

Even and Isak were left to trying to make a gingerbread version of their flat, even though nobody who lived there actually liked gingerbread. Even was left to decorating, his tongue stuck out of the corner of his mouth as he carefully iced in the little details of the flat - a gingerbread version of each of them included. Isak was on construction, and had huffed and swore in frustration plenty of times as he tried to get the wobbly structure to stay upright. The walls of the gingerbread flat were covered in cracks from falling that Even had quickly masked with icing, and Eskild had insisted it added ‘character.’

 

It was their Little Christmas Eve party before Linn and Eskild went home to their families, and Eskild, Linn, Even, and Isak had spent all day together. Even was included because Eskild had insisted that Even practically lived in the flat as it was, and so was an official member of their family.

 

Isak was surrounded by warmth, by laughter and good friends and he was so happy that it was almost overwhelming. He’d talked to his mother almost every day on the phone since he first visited her, and would be spending Christmas day with Even’s family. Isak turned to look at Even to find Even was already looking right back at him. Even grinned brightly at Isak, and leant forward to rest his head on Isak’s shoulder with a sigh. Isak could see Even’s shoulders still shaking with laughter, and when he reached out and linked his and Isak’s pinky fingers together, Isak felt his heart swell.

 

They all squashed around the small kitchen table with bowls of steaming pudding around them, and Isak smiled fondly as Even piled his with dozens of spoonfuls of sugar like he always did.

 

They all passed around their presents to one another. Eskild and Even’s gifts had been carefully wrapped with pretty paper and ribbons, and Linn and Isak had both wrapped theirs in tissue paper. They’d made a deal to not spend much money on one another, since none of them had much, but had all wanted to buy something for the sake of tradition.

 

Isak had gotten Linn some rabbit slippers which she was delighted by, and Eskild a mug that had a photo of Linn, Eskild, Isak, and Even printed on it. Eskild had given Isak a watery smile before tackling him into a tight hug and ruffling his hair. Even got Eskild a giant pride flag for his room, and a candle for Linn that was meant to help her relax. Both of them hugged him tightly, and it made Isak’s heart glow as he reached out and gave Even’s arm a squeeze whilst Eskild wrapped the flag around his shoulders with a grin.

 

Linn got Even a set of new sketchbooks and pens, since all his others were full, and Eskild got Even the most ridiculous hat Isak had ever seen. It was bright green with snowflakes on it, a giant blue pom pom on the top, and for some reason was covered in tiny bells. Even was over the moon with it and put it on immediately, grinning as he modelled it for the dozens of pictures Eskild insisted on taking.

 

When it came to Isak’s gifts from his roommates, Eskild placed one large box on his knee, patting the top of it.

 

“Me and Linn put our money together for this one, so only one present for you I’m afraid,” he said, winking at Isak and gesturing for him to open it.

 

It was a brand new pair of running shoes, the exact ones Isak had been staring at when he and Eskild had gone on one of their rare shopping trips together before Christmas. Isak’s other running shoes were old and worn, covered in holes and falling apart at the seams, but Isak couldn’t afford a new pair. He was still only just managing to pay the rent with what money he’d saved up, so there was no way he could have gotten new shoes any time soon.

 

Isak had to swallow down the lump in his throat before he looked up to Eskild and Linn, his heart thudding in his chest.

 

“This is too much,” he insisted, but Linn immediately shook her head.

 

“Isak, you deserve them,” she said softly.

 

“How else are you going to carry on being a super star if you have shitty running shoes?” Eskild added with a kind smile.

 

Isak got up off his chair to hug both Eskild and Linn, mumbling a thank you to both of them as they hugged him back just as fiercely.

 

(If Isak had cried a little bit as he hid his face in Eskild’s hair, no one had to know.)

 

*

 

They spent their night talking and eating, and then went on to redecorate the tree after it collapsed from being too full. Eskild compromised by planting the rest of his decorations in various places in the house, but insisted on keeping the stupid blown up condom covered in glitter on the tree.

 

They all crowded onto one sofa together, a blanket draped across them and limbs tangled together whilst they watched terrible Christmas movies. When Linn and Eskild began to doze off beside them, Even leant in close to Isak to whisper in his ear.

 

“Track?” he asked, and Isak could hear the smile in his voice.

 

Isak nodded and they both got out of their chairs and began pulling on their coats and shoes, and Isak smiled to himself as he put on his new shoes, grateful that he wouldn’t have to suffer through another training day with wet socks. Eskild frowned up at them in question as she watched them get ready.

 

“Where are you two disappearing off to?” Eskild asked.

 

“We’re going for a run,” Isak replied, and both Linn and Eskild scoffed. Linn looked positively disgusted, and Isak could hear Even sniggering behind him.

 

“You two are so _weird_ ,” muttered Linn, and Eskild nodded in agreement.

 

“Normal people don’t go out in the middle of winter to run,” Eskild added.

 

Isak rolled his eyes at Eskild before looking over to Even, who had only brought his stupid denim jacket despite it being below freezing outside.

 

“Normal people wear layers to keep warm, Even,” Isak said pointedly, and Even just shrugged and muttered something about being late and forgetting.

 

Isak sighed, grabbing Even’s sleeve and dragged him to his room, hunting around the pile of clothes strewn across the floor and the bed for a warmer jacket for Even. He threw one from over the bed which hit Even square in the face, and Even grunted in protest but couldn’t hide his smile. Isak found another coat by his bed and came back around to Even, throwing the coat over Even’s head as he squawked in protest.

 

“You’re just trying to slow me down by putting too many layers on, aren’t you?” accused Even, pulling the coat off of his head and trying to push his fringe out of his eyes.

 

“No,” Isak scoffed, “I’m trying to stop you from getting hypothermia, idiot.”

 

“Whatever,” Even said, biting his lip to hide his smile. “I could still beat you in a race, even wearing hundreds of coats.”

 

Isak just laughed and shook his head, hunting out gloves for himself. He could hear Linn and Eskild singing together in the kitchen whilst they cleared away their pots, and both Isak and Even smiled at the sound.

 

“I’m glad you have them,” Even said, his tone serious.

 

Isak turned to grin at Even, laughing at Eskild’s cheer of excitement when the next song came on.

 

“I’m glad I have them, too,” he replied. He’d really fallen on his feet finding two people as kind as Eskild and Linn to live with, and they had been just what he needed when everything else had seemed so hopeless. He found his favourite scarf draped across the chair, and made his way over to Even to give it to him.

 

Isak wound the scarf around Even’s neck slowly, and they were stood so close together that Isak could feel Even’s breath on his cheek. He looked up to Even, saw the hint of a smile still on his face, his eyes shining and cheeks dusted red from the warmth of the house. It was another one of those moments where Isak’s heart did a flip, where nothing else existed but Even. They were so close, their noses almost bumping and Even’s eyes tracking every movement Isak made, his lips parted and breathing shallow.

 

Before Isak could think properly, he leant forward and pressed his lips to Even’s, fingers still tangled up in the scarf. He heard Even’s sharp intake of breath, and Isak immediately jumped back, running one hand through his own hair and tugging on the strands.

 

“Shit, I’m sorry, I-” he began, his voice shaking. Even’s eyes were wide, his jaw slack and face pale, and his arms were rigidly by his sides, hands balled up into fists. Isak’s heart that had previously been soaring sank to his feet, and shame washed over him and stang at his skin.

 

Everything in the room felt suffocating, the walls closing in and the air disappearing around them. Isak pushed his way past Even and out of his room, hurrying to the front door with his shoelaces still untied.

 

He heard Eskild call out to him as he passed, a worried frown on his face, but Isak ignored him and left, slamming the door behind him before setting off running. His muscles immediately ached in protest and his heartbeat thudded in his head as he ran, thoughts swimming around his head and making his vision blur.

 

All he could picture was Even’s face, with eyes wide and face ashen, and Isak just knew that he’d ruined everything. He should have bottled it all up and kept it to himself like he’d thought in the first place. Now he’d ruined everything and lost his best friend, and it felt like the world was crumbling around him.

 

Isak ran all the way to the track, eyes watering and lungs burning, and when he got there it was blissfully empty and quiet. He sat down on the grass, trying to catch his breath and wrapping his arms around his middle tightly. Isak looked up and saw the moon just peeking past the dark clouds, its light dim and barely casting shadows. He thought about the last time he was sat in the same place, with the moon bright and full as they talked about the future and how things had changed.

 

Isak was scared of the future now, and how he’d messed everything up.

 

He’d have to face Even at some point, he knew that. Isak couldn’t avoid him forever, didn’t _want_ to avoid him. He’d been stupid and though it was selfish, he couldn’t bear to not have Even in his life at all. He wished he could just laugh it off, could push it aside and go back to being normal again, but there was a storm inside of him that was refusing to be ignored.

 

Isak heard footsteps, and he jerked his head up to see Even stood over him, face twisted into a frown. Isak felt cold all over, and he couldn’t quite meet Even’s eyes.

 

“I thought I’d find you here,” Even said, his voice quiet.

 

Isak stood up quickly, stuffing his hands into his pockets and keeping his head down, feeling Even watching him.

 

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Isak mumbled, eyes fixed on his feet. “I’m sorry. Can we just forget it?” he asked, and he hated how much it sounded like a plea.

 

Isak watched Even’s feet shuffle forward so that he and Even were stood closer, and when Even reached out to Isak, Isak flinched away from him.

 

“Isak, look at me,” said Even, adding an almost inaudible, “Please,” when Isak quickly shook his head.

 

Isak looked up and Even was watching him, a crease between his brows as he bit his lip and scanned Isak’s face. They were stood so closely together that their chests were almost touching, and Isak didn’t know how Even could stand being so close to him. He’d taken a risk he shouldn’t have and ruined their friendship, and Isak knew there was no going back from it, that things wouldn’t be the same anymore.

 

Even opened his mouth to say something, but quickly shut it again, instead reaching out and slowly moving his hand towards Isak’s face. He raised an eyebrow in question, moving his hand cautiously and cupping Isak’s cheek when Isak didn’t shy away, and Isak couldn’t help but selfishly lean into the touch.

 

“You know, this is my favourite place in the world,” Even said, looking away from Isak to look around the track.

 

Despite everything, Isak huffed a laugh.

 

“Out of everywhere, _this_ is your favourite?” he muttered, but he understood.

 

The track had taken up so much of both Isak and Even’s lives, and it was always the first place they went to when they just needed to get away. They’d spent countless days and nights training and competing and just spending time there together.

 

“Of course,” Even said with a shrug, “I could write stories and make movies about all of the stuff that’s happened here,” he added with a fond smile.

 

“Will you?” Isak asked. “Make a movie, I mean?” The track had been a safe place for Isak when he’d been lost and lonely, and had remained the same for the years gone by. It was nothing special, but things that had happened there were - it had gave Isak purpose, made him feel alive again.

 

Even nodded earnestly, and Isak rolled his eyes, his mouth quirking up into a tiny smile.

 

“It would be a pretty shitty movie,” Isak mumbled. He was still hyper aware of how close together they were, of Even’s hand on his cheek and the weight of what had happened hanging around them.

 

“It would be the best movie ever,” Even protested, feigning offense.

 

Isak tried to laugh, but it fell flat. He couldn’t bear it, though he’d asked for it; he couldn’t cope with them ignoring what had happened. It was gnawing away at him, repeating over and over again in hs head, and it ached terribly.

 

“Sure,” he mumbled, dropping his gaze back to his feet, and Even dropped his hand from Isak’s face.

 

“Isak, don’t shut me out,” Even said softly, sighing when Isak took a step back.

 

He couldn’t help it, being so close to Even was unbearable, the tension between them both was like static electricity that stung Isak’s skin and made his eyes water.

 

They stood in silence for a few moments, Isak keeping his eyes on the ground, feeling Even watching him. Then Even stepped forward again, hooked his finger under Isak’s chin and eased his head up so that their eyes met.

 

“You’re amazing, you know that, right?” Even said, his expression serious as he scanned Isak’s face for a reaction. “You’re my best friend, and I-” he stopped, took a deep, shaking breath, and then another cautious step forwards.

 

Isak watched as Even’s eyes dropped to Isak’s lips for a split second, and Isak’s heart began hammering against his ribs. Even edged himself forward just an inch more so that his and Isak’s noses bumped together, and Isak’s breath stuttered.

 

“Please don’t run away this time,” Even whispered, stroking his thumb across Isak’s cheekbone and tilting his head ever so slightly.

 

Isak reached out to settle his hand on Even’s hip in a silent answer, and Isak saw the smallest smile appear on Even’s face, his eyes flitting down to Isak’s hand. Isak took a deep breath, crossed the fingers on his free hand tightly, and closed the last bit of distance between him and Even to press their lips together for the second time that day.

 

Isak’s head was swimming, and every thought bouncing around his mind led straight back to Even as Even kissed Isak back this time and Isak balled his hand into Even’s jacket and pulled him even closer. Even trailed his hand back from Isak’s face to curl his fingers around his neck, and Isak felt Even’s nose brush his cheek as he smiled into the kiss. Isak wanted to get lost in the moment forever, to wrap himself tight in the ball of light and energy that had overtaken him and never let it leave.

 

They broke apart eventually, but didn’t go far as Even grinned at Isak and began pressing kisses all over his face, peppering them across his cheeks and nose and eyelids until Isak laughed so hard he couldn’t breathe. He shoved at Even’s chest half heartedly, and Even stopped with a snigger, instead moving to rest his forehead against Isak’s with a sigh.

 

“Why did you leave the first time?” Even asked, bringing his other hand up to trace the tip of his finger down Isak’s nose, before moving across to his cheekbones to the shell of his ear.

 

Isak wrinkled his nose up as Even traced his features, and Isak reached out to take Even’s free hand in his own. Even had no judgement in his face, he was just watching Isak carefully and waiting for his answer. The tip of his nose was red, and he was still wearing the ridiculous hat Eskild had given him, the bells on it sounding whenever he moved. Isak’s heart felt like it was going to burst.

 

“I was scared, I guess. I didn’t want things to change,” Isak muttered with a shrug.

 

“I wish you hadn’t,” Even admitted, and Isak mumbled an apology.

 

“I just wasn’t brave enough,” Isak said. He’d remembered the fear that rose up and clawed at his throat when he saw Even’s reaction. He couldn’t bear to see the world he knew crash around him, so he’d run away.

 

But now he’d tried again. He was stood in the same spot that he’d stood with Even plenty of times before, but it felt completely different. The ground had shifted beneath their feet, but they hadn’t fallen, and nothing had crumbled like Isak had thought. Isak wished he’d stayed the first time too, had skipped the worry and heartache, but this moment was just as good.

 

“You’re much braver than me,” Even insisted, rubbing his thumb across Isak’s knuckles. “I kept wanting to talk to you about it, but I could never find the right time.”

 

Isak had no idea Even had felt even a fraction of the same way as he had. It had been in plenty of his daydreams, in small bubbles of hope that he’d quickly burst to avoid disappointment. He knew Even loved him, knew how much they both cared for each other, but Isak had been greedy enough to want more than that. He didn’t ever think that he’d be lucky enough to be granted it.

 

It was an option Isak had barely considered, and so he didn’t quite know how to react to it. Everything felt right at the moment, Isak felt warm and safe and happy, but it only made the dread in the back of his mind grow stronger. Everything seemed too good, and Isak was waiting for the other shoe to drop.

 

“Are we still friends?” Isak asked quietly. It sounded like a stupid question, but it was one he had to ask. He couldn’t cope with things changing if it meant he didn’t get to keep his best friend.

 

“Of course. We’ll always be best friends,” Even answered immediately, with not a second of hesitation. “We’re just a little bit more than that now, I suppose.” he said it as if it were so simple, shrugging it away like it had no weight to it. Even’s confidence reassured Isak, but also made discomfort squirm under his skin. He’d spent so long thinking it over, imagining how catastrophic it would be if this happened and believing it would completely change everything. It felt too easy.

 

Isak must have stayed quiet for a little too long because Even spoke again, frowning slightly.

 

“Do you-” Even began, and then hesitated, his finger halting its movements by the corner of Isak’s mouth. “Is this okay? Is this what you want?” his voice was wobbling ever so slightly, his face vulnerable as he waited for Isak’s response.

 

Isak wanted to laugh out loud, and had to bite his lip to stop himself from doing just that. His feelings for Even had been overtaking his thoughts for months; he had worried and wondered and even hoped for a long time. It felt surreal, and everything was still up in the air, but Isak couldn’t deny the happiness that was warming him from the inside out. He wanted this, whatever it was, for as long as he was allowed it.

 

Instead of an answer, Isak pushed Even’s hair out of his eyes gently before leaning forward and kissing him again, breathing Even in and feeling him smile against his lips.

 

Delight danced in Even’s eyes when they broke apart, and just like it had at the beach months ago, Isak felt like they were trapped in some sort of bubble together, separate from the rest of the world. This night felt a little bit different because the last time, Isak had gotten lost in his own feelings and ended up building a wall around himself. But this time, they were in it together, and it was just as terrifying as it was amazing.

 

Isak pulled out his phone to check the time and found plenty of texts from Eskild asking if everything was okay. Eskild and Linn would have already been picked up by the families by now to go home, but the last time they’d seen Isak was when he’d ran out of the house earlier. Isak sent a quick one back letting Eskild know things were more than fine and promising to call him before turning the phone around and showing Even the time.

 

“You should go home,” Isak said, sniggering at Even’s answering groan as he took his hand and tried to lead him out of the stadium.

 

“My mum won’t mind me being in a little later than I said I would be,” Even replied, digging his heels in and pulling Isak back to him.

 

Isak’s chest bumped against Even’s as Even pulled him back, and Isak raised an eyebrow, tapping on Even’s foot with his own.

 

“Your mum won’t, but Marte definitely will. She’ll be pissed if you don’t get back before her bedtime,” he pointed out, and Even sighed in defeat, rolling his eyes and letting Isak tow him towards home.

 

When they parted ways before they set off in different directions to their homes, Isak pulled Even into a hug, and they both clung on that little bit tighter. Isak pressed a kiss to Even’s temple, and he smiled when he heard Even’s contented sigh in his ear.

 

“Are you sure you don’t want to stay over?” Even asked again, stepping back slightly so that he could rest his forehead against Isak’s.

 

Even had insisted Isak should stay at his the night before they celebrated Christmas plenty of times in the weeks before, but Isak had refused. Isak had used the excuse that he wanted to make the most of the house being empty and at least try and catch up on school work, but that was only half true. He mostly just wanted to give Even some time with his family, just the three together, because Isak knew it was rare for them all because of his mother’s long hours to pay the bills.

 

“I’ll be around first thing tomorrow, I promise,” Isak said, pressing a chaste kiss to Even’s lips before stepping back and turning him by the shoulders in the right direction. “Text me when you get home.”

 

Even set off walking and Isak watched him go, still smiling widely to himself. Even barely made it ten steps before he spun around on his heel and hurried back over to Isak, pulling him close and kissing him again.

 

“I had to do that one more time,” Even said when they broke apart, a little bit breathless and both of them grinning stupidly.

 

“You’ll see me tomorrow, idiot,” Isak said, even though he’d felt his heart tug painfully when he’d watched Even walk away.

 

“Tomorrow’s too far away,” Even said wistfully, holding his hand to his chest and trying to keep a straight face.

 

“Gross,” Isak snorted, punching Even in the shoulder and grinning when Even laughed loudly. Even pressed one more kiss to Isak’s cheek before saying goodbye and setting off running down the street, disappearing quickly into the darkness.

 

Isak jogged his way home, and felt warm all over despite the cold. The frost on the ground was making it look like it was covered in glitter, and the streets were almost empty; Isak’s footsteps echoing around him as he hurried back to the flat.

 

Isak’s mind was full of thoughts, mostly incoherent exclamations of joy that were like bursts of light erupting through him. There were doubts too, worries and ‘what ifs’, but Isak pushed them aside for now, letting himself just have this moment.

 

If he had thought his feelings for Even were strong before, they should be almost unbearable now. Isak had once thought once everything was out in the open it wouldn’t feel so intense because he’d finally let it out. But it turned out that it just overtook him; it sang through his veins and tingled across his skin. Instead of trying to keep it contained like he had for so long, Isak revelled in it, and found himself grinning widely as he picked up speed and turned the street for home.

 

*

 

When the morning came, it took Isak a few seconds of blinking in the light of his room before everything came rushing back to him.

 

He stretched out his long limbs and smiled to himself, letting everything that had happened the day before wash over him and settle in his mind. Isak’s phone rang, interrupting the silence of the house, and he jumped before grumbling and stretching over his bed to grab it.

 

Isak thought he wouldn’t hear Eskild’s too-loud voice first thing on a morning for a few days, but as Eskild sang a good morning down the phone, he realised how wrong he’d been.

 

“How are you?” asked Eskild, his voice softening.

 

“Fine,” Isak replied shortly. He hated talking when he’d just woken up, and mostly communicated in grunts and scowls until he became more conscious.

 

“Fine?” Eskild echoed, and then scoffed. “Isak, you stormed out of the house crying yesterday and then sent a pathetic text a few hours later telling me not to worry.”

 

“I wasn’t _crying_ ,” Isak protested, before sighing. He owed Eskild an explanation, and even more so, he almost wanted to tell him just so it could be out there. “I kissed Even yesterday.”

 

Isak heard Eskild gasp, and then a rustling and a thud coming from down the line.

 

“Oh, Isak,” Eskild said quietly, his voice filled with misery.

 

Isak was quick to correct it, shaking his head and sitting himself upright. “No! It’s fine, I left at first because I panicked but things are okay. More than okay, actually,” Isak said, and couldn’t help but grin to himself. Eskild must have heard the smile in his tone because he sounded ecstatic when he spoke again.

 

“Holy shit! You need to tell me everything that happened, right now,” Eskild insisted. Though Isak grumbled and rolled his eyes, he couldn’t help the joy that rose up and curled around his heart as he relayed the day before to Eskild.

 

When Isak was done, he felt his phone buzz in his hand and he quickly checked it to see Even was asking him to come over as soon as he could.

 

“Eskild, I have to go. Even’s wondering where I am,” Isak said, jumping up out of his bed and trying to hunt down clothes in the mess of his room.

 

“Of course he is,” said Eskild fondly, then his tone grew softer again. “I’m really proud of you, Isak. I hope you know how brave you are.”

 

Isak scoffed and brushed it off but couldn’t help but smile widely as he said his goodbyes to Eskild, digging out his cleanest pair of jeans from the pile of clothes by his desk.

 

He still had the piece of paper Even had given him clipped on to his desk by Marte’s hairclip. All of the things he’d written had either been done or Isak had written plans for doing it beside them. It was mostly covered in Even’s drawings now, doodles he’d drawn around it to cheer Isak up whenever he looked at it. Isak had finally gotten to see his mother and was on his way to rebuilding their relationship, he was running again and was back to being his best. He still lived in the flat with two of the best roommates he could ask for, and most days, he was more than happy with how things were. Isak’s phone buzzed again - another text from Even - and it pulled him from his train of thought, but Isak smiled once more at the note before hurrying to get changed.

 

* 

Just as Isak was halfway to Even’s house, he stopped in his tracks. He suddenly realise that this was the first time Isak was seeing Even after everything that happened yesterday, and Isak had absolutely no idea how to react.

 

Even was Even, no matter what. He was Isak’s best friend and loved Christmas so would no doubt be over excited and wearing the ugliest jumper he could find. But things had changed, and it put Isak on edge not knowing what to expect when he knocked on the door.

Luckily, Isak had no need to worry as Even answered the door and immediately lunged forward to plant a kiss on Isak’s lips. It wasn’t exactly pleasant - mostly teeth clashing, and they bumped heads as Even moved in, but it left Isak laughing and his heart hammering against his ribs.

 

“Sorry,” said Even, taking Isak’s hand and smoothing his thumb across Isak’s knuckles. “Kissing’s still a thing we do, right? I hope it’s a thing we still do. I like kissing you.”

 

Isak snorted and shook his head, before leaning forward and kissing Even - softly, this time.

 

“I like kissing you too,” Isak replied, and Even’s answering grin was blinding.

 

Even led Isak into the house still holding his hand, only letting go when Marte ran and jumped into Isak’s arms, wrapping herself around him and hugging him tightly. Once Marte finally let go, Even’s mother pulled Isak into a hug too, rubbing his back and kissing his head, and Isak felt an overwhelming sense of _home._

 

Even hadn’t told his mother anything, but it seemed like he didn’t need to, if her knowing looks towards the two boys were anything to go by. Still, Even didn’t seem to mind about anyone knowing. He kept tight hold of Isak’s hand, and often leaned over and kissed Isak’s cheek before flashing him a grin, and every single time it made Isak’s skin tingle.

 

They spent the day eating far too much food, and trying to bake with Marte, which was mostly a disaster. Isak laughed till his stomach hurt, and then almost cried when Even’s mother gave Isak his gift. She’d made him a photo album full of the pictures she’d taken of Isak, Even, and their families over the years, all in order from when Isak and Even had first became friends to their latest competition photos.

 

Isak’s favourite photo was one of Isak and Even when Isak was ten, and they had been playing in Isak’s back garden for hours. They were both sprawled out on the grass, red faced but grinning wildly, and in the background Isak could see his mother sat by, watching them with a fond smile.

 

When Even’s mum spotted Isak staring at that photo she nudged him gently and smiled when he looked up. “How’s your mother doing, Isak?” she asked, and instead of the usual cold dread that settled in Isak’s stomach whenever someone asked, he felt a surge of pride.

 

“She’s great. She’s really happy,” Isak said with a grin. Even was helping Marte put together one of her new toys, but Isak could see him grinning too as he listened.

 

“I’m glad,” Even’s mother said, reaching over to give Isak’s arm a squeeze. “I bet she’s so proud of you.”

 

For the the first time in a while, Isak could nod. He knew his mother was proud of him, because she’d looked him in the eye and told him so just a few days ago. Isak was surrounded by people who were proud of him, who were raising him up instead of weighing him down. It made Isak start to have a little faith in himself; or at least, _want_ to have faith in himself.

 

Once it was dark outside, Marte had crashed out on the sofa, still wearing the dinosaur costume that Even had bought her, and Even’s mother was cleaning in the kitchen, humming to herself. Isak and Even were sat side by side on the other sofa watching Marte sleep, the TV on quietly in the background even though no one was watching it. Isak had his head on Even’s shoulder, his eyes feeling heavy as all the energy from the day seeped out of him and he began to doze. Even gave Isak a nudge and Isak groaned in protest, shuffling closer to Even and closing his eyes tighter.

 

“Don’t you want to see your present?” Even asked, combing his fingers through Isak’s hair.

 

Isak groaned again but sat himself up this time, squinting up at Even who grinned right back.

 

They sat facing each other, cross legged as they exchanged presents - Even’s was perfectly wrapped and Isak’s messily done, as always. Exchanging gifts was always one of their favourite moments, and had been since their first Christmas as friends. Even was the creative one with a wild imagination, and seemed to come up with ideas for gifts with ease, whereas Isak had to spend weeks thinking them over.

 

This time, it was Even who looked nervous, wringing his hands as Isak carefully tore open the gift.

 

“I bought you something too, in case you don’t like it,” Even said, nodding to the smaller gift by Isak’s knee.

 

“Of course I’ll like it, idiot,” Isak insisted with a roll of his eyes, but the words died in his throat when he ripped off the last piece of paper.

 

It was a painting on canvas, full of bright swirls of colour filling every corner. Isak immediately recognised it as the beach he and Even loved so much, with a sky full of stars and two familiar figures sat side by side on the sand. Isak’s heart was doing backflips, and he ran his fingers across the bumps and brush strokes, full of awe.

 

“I’ve been working on it since we got back from the competition,” Even said quietly, biting his lip. “I was going to just get a photo of it for you, but-”

 

Isak cut Even off by shaking his head, still staring down at the painting.

 

“This is _way_ better,” he insisted, and he saw Even’s face light up out of the corner of his eye.

 

Isak put the painting gently aside so that he could lean forward and kiss Even softly, and Even immediately melted into it with a sigh. Someone behind Even cleared their throat, and the two boys jumped backwards to each end of the sofa, turning to look at Even’s mother watching them with her hands on her hips.

 

For a moment, a shock of fear went through Isak. He’d heard all of the off hand comments his father used to make about gay people, grimacing when he saw them kissing in public or muttering about them when they walked hand in hand down the street. Though Isak didn’t believe what his father had said anymore, though he was surrounded by people who were teaching him that being gay wasn’t something to be ashamed of, it wasn’t easy to forget it all.

 

Even just gave his mother a grin that looked almost smug, and she smiled right back. It made Isak feel a little more at ease, even if he couldn’t quite meet her eye.

 

“Did he like the present?” she asked, nodding towards the painting.

 

Even turned to Isak for an answer, as if it wasn’t obvious enough already, and Isak nodded.

 

“It’s incredible,” he said, reaching out and giving Even’s hand a squeeze.

 

“You should have seen the mess of his room while he was painting it, it was even worse than it usually is,” she joked, and Isak sniggered whilst Even scowled.

 

She passed by the two boys, stopping to kiss the top of their heads as a silent message to them both that Isak got loud and clear. The tension seeped out of his muscles and he gave her a genuine smile just before she left the room.

 

Even’s other present for Isak was a huge book all about parallel universes that Isak had found in a bookstore a few weeks back. He’d stopped for a few moments, skimming through the pages with fascination, but had put it back in defeat once he’d seen the price. Isak hugged it tightly to his chest as Even opened up his presents from Isak, practically vibrating with excitement that made Isak’s chest squeeze with fondness.

 

Isak had gotten Even a new running shirt made - black, because he was always spilling things down his shirts, with his name in bold white letters on the back and below that, his lucky number. Isak’s favourite part of it, though, was the pan badge he’d had embroidered right across Even’s heart.

 

Even launched himself over to the other end of the sofa to hug Isak tightly, half laying on him as he pressed kisses all over his face whilst Isak laughed.

 

The other gift, of course, was a headband. This one was covered in bright paint splatters and cartoon paint brushes, and Even put it on straight away with a grin.

 

Isak had never felt quite so content in a long time, and though there was still a small part of him waiting for the catch, for something to go wrong, it was far too easy to get lost in the moment. Isak leant forward and kissed Even again, just because he could, and Even made a pleased noise as he wrapped his arms around Isak’s waist to pull him even closer.

 

“Do you want to go home?” Even asked, tracing his fingers under the dark circles beneath Isak’s eyes. As much as Isak loved Even’s family, all of the noise and chaos was exhausting to Isak, and Even knew it.

 

But Isak felt comfortable where he was, wrapped up with Even in the warmth of the house. Isak was sure he’d feel comfortable anywhere, as long as he had Even with him. Sometimes, a home wasn’t bricks and a roof, but people that made you feel at ease no matter what.

 

“Can we just lie here for a while?” Isak asked, settling his head on Even’s chest.

 

Even nodded, trailing his fingers across the notches of Isak’s spine carefully, and Isak listened to his steady heartbeat under his ear as he drifted off to sleep.

 

*

 

They eventually left to go back to Isak’s, with Marte and Even’s mother’s shouted farewells echoing behind them. Even went ahead of Isak and out into the cold, singing softly to himself as he looked up to the sky, the street lamps illuminating his face.

 

Isak watched him, smiling fondly as he weaved through the few people who were passing them by, nodding his head along to his singing. If this moment were a perfect, cliched movie, the snow would slowly begin to fall, a quiet love song playing in the background and the streets empty except for Isak and Even. But Isak liked this moment how it was, with rain on the ground rather than snow, and no soundtrack but the buzz of the city and Even’s off key singing.

 

Isak didn’t realised he’d stopped until Even came and danced back over to him. His singing grew louder as he looped an arm around Isak’s waist to pull him closer, swaying them both from side to side.

 

“Are you drunk? Did you steal your mum’s wine or something?” Isak asked jokingly, raising an eyebrow and biting his lip, trying not to let the giddy laughter bubbling up in his chest show on his face.

 

Even grinned widely and leant forward to kiss Isak’s cheek, humming against his skin.

 

“I’m not drunk,” he said, leaning back to look at Isak, his eyes shining. “I’m just happy. The happiest I’ve ever been, actually.”

 

“You’re such a sap,” Isak snorted and rolled his eyes. He didn’t fight his smile this time as Even moved his arms up and slung them over Isak’s shoulders.

 

“Aren’t you happy too?” Even asked, nuzzling his nose against Isak’s and making him huff a laugh.

 

Isak didn’t really need to think about his answer, since he could almost feel the pure joy rolling off of him in waves. He felt safe and happy and like all the fragile little puzzle pieces he’d been desperately trying to put together for so long were finally settling right where they should be.

 

“I’m very happy,” Isak mumbled, tilting his head towards Even to request a kiss which he was readily granted. It still made Isak feel just as giddy as it had the first time at the track.

 

It made sense, really, that Isak would end up falling for Even. Even had been the only person for years that Isak always felt like he could be completely himself with, even through everything. Isak knew Even inside out and adored every bit of him. He loved Even’s little quirks, and how his smile was a little bit crooked and how he almost always had a pencil behind his ear and doodles in his pocket. He knew exactly how Even’s mouth twisted when he was sad and trying to hide it, and how his face lit up when he was genuinely happy.

 

“What are you thinking about?” Even asked, brushing his knuckles across Isak’s cheek.

 

“You,” Isak answered simply with a shrug. Because it wasn’t a secret anymore, and because he knew Even wouldn’t mind one bit.

 

Even grinned and kissed Isak again, and it was familiar and brand new all at once. Even was Isak’s best friend, and now they were slowly becoming more than that. It was strange, how easy it seemed, but at the same time not strange at all. No matter what they were or how things would change, Even had always been home to Isak, and always would be.


	5. At the death of every darkness there's a morning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even hummed again, reaching out to rest one hand on Isak’s thigh. 
> 
> “How about we make a resolution to try our best to keep each other happy?” he suggested. “Or at least, more happy than sad.”
> 
> Even said it like it was easy, like he and Isak could prop each other up, like they each held the key to one another’s happiness. 
> 
> But then again, Even made Isak happy without even trying. Him being around made it easier for Isak to breathe, made him feel safe - not always happy, but at least like he could be. He hoped he did the same for Even, and wanted to try as often as he could support Even in the same way Even supported him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So! This is the last chapter - sorry it took a while longer than I planned. It's been a ton of fun, and I've loved coming up with this universe.
> 
> Once again, a huge thank you to [Sarah](http://canonicallyanxious.tumblr.com/) for beta'ing this for me, helping me brainstorm, and letting me complain when I got stuck. This fic really wouldn't exist without her. So thank you, friend. You're the best <3
> 
> I really hope you guys enjoy this last part. This is the longest thing I've written ever - it's over twice as long as my previous longest fic, and I'm not exactly sure how that happened? Regardless, thanks so much to everyone who has read this, left kudos and left the extraordinarily kind comments that have made me so happy every time I've read them. <3
> 
> (Title is from Rag'n'Bone Man - Grace, and the tumblr post for this chapter is [here](http://call-this-a-mask.tumblr.com/post/171362120505/next-to-you-is-where-i-call-home-chapter-5))

  
  
Sometimes, the inside of Isak’s mind felt like a battle. There was a rational part of his brain that moved steadily, tried to stay calm and convince himself that everything was okay. Then there was another part that ran at high speed, with alarm bells blaring and sirens sounding, interrupting his thoughts. Lately, more often than not, he could quiet the sirens and listen to the rational side instead, figure things out slowly so that they’d stop being so daunting.

 

But even if Isak could get rid of the fast moving panic bouncing around his skull, there was always the whispers. A nasty little voice over his shoulder that planted thoughts in his head, and they slowly grew into vines that wrapped around his lungs and consumed all of his thoughts. He hated that voice the most, because it was quiet and often snuck up on him when everything seemed fine. Despite knowing they were there, Isak still hadn’t mastered being able to shake those vicious thoughts off.

 

Which was exactly what was happening right now. Isak had been in a sort of daze ever since his and Even’s first kiss. It had felt muted and syrupy slow - like he was in a dream. After spending the day with Even’s family, Isak had slept on Even’s sofa for a while, laid beside him, drifting in and out of sleep to the sound of the television on in the background and Even’s raspy breathing. He’d woken up to Even rubbing on his back and asking Isak if he wanted him to walk him home. Still half asleep and his mind hazy, Isak had asked if Even would stay at his flat for the night without a second thought.

 

The moment they got outside, the cold air hit Isak and stung at his face, and it was like it had dropped him back into reality with an almighty thud. Isak still took Even’s hand and held on tight, despite his hands shaking, and his brain still moving a few seconds too slowly to process anything properly. The walk back to the flat seemed to last forever, but at the same time not long enough. Isak wanted to ask Even to stop, to pause everything so that he could try and work out what was going on in his mind. He wanted to unfurl it all and make sense of it, but it all just seemed like jumbled white noise.

 

They’d went straight to Isak’s room and laid in bed back to back with the room dimly lit from Even scrolling through his phone. Even’s presence was heavy and overbearing beside Isak as he shut his eyes tight and tried to persuade himself to relax.

 

The giddy happiness had left Isak in a sudden rush, and now the whispers in his head began to get louder until they took over completely. Isak and Even had shared a bed countless times, from cramming on to Even’s creaky single bed as children, to every night Even had stayed at Isak’s and slept beside him. He’d been sleeping beside Even on his sofa just moments before, but that seemed world apart, and Isak couldn’t work out why. Despite all of that, even though Isak had been friends with Even for a huge part of his life and knew him inside and out, now that things were different he found himself overthinking how to act around him.

 

Even’s voice broke through the dark of the room, and it made Isak startle.

 

“Isak, I can _hear_ you thinking too hard,” Even sighed, turning to face him. Isak slowly turned himself over so that he was facing Even too, and Even was watching him with a frown on his face.

 

Even reached out to push Isak’s hair out of his eyes before resting his hand on Isak’s face, and Isak let his eyes flutter shut.

 

“What’s wrong?” Even asked quietly, his thumb stroking across Isak’s cheekbone.

 

Isak didn’t know how to explain it without sounding stupid. He knew it was irrational, and didn’t make a lot of sense, but that didn’t stop his stomach from churning sickeningly.

 

Isak tried to find the words whilst Even waited patiently, watching Isak and still smoothing his thumb gently across Isak’s cheek.

 

“Is this weird?” Isak eventually settled on, blurting it out before dropping his gaze to avoid Even’s eyes.

 

“Is what weird?” Even asked, and Isak could hear the confusion in his voice.

 

“This, us. Does it feel weird to you?” Isak asked, and when he looked up again, Even’s mouth was curled downwards, his eyes sad.

 

Even took his hand off of Isak’s cheek and tucked both hands underneath his own head instead, curling in on himself. Suddenly it seemed like there were miles between them, and Isak felt cold.

 

“Is it weird to you?” Even shot back, then added, quietly, “Because, Isak, if you don’t want this-”

 

Isak interrupted before Even could even finish his sentence, shuffling himself forwards to sling an arm across Even’s middle and hooking his leg around Even’s thigh so that there was barely any space between them.

 

“That’s not what I meant,” Isak insisted, hugging Even closely. He heard Even sigh against his cheek, and he slowly moved a hand from under his head to rest it on Isak’s hip instead.

 

Isak was happy. Whenever Even touched him or kissed him it sent a shock of joy through him. He’d liked how they were before, but he liked them just as much now too. It was just a shame that Isak couldn’t get rid of the niggling thoughts at the back of his mind.

 

Even waited patiently for Isak to get his thoughts in order, whilst Isak tapped his fingers across Even’s ribs and tried to think of what to say. He took his feelings out of his head, carefully laid them out and tried to work out what they meant. Most of them were a constant, comforting feeling of contentedness, but there were dark spots mixed in that made Isak feel conflicted despite how happy he was.

 

He hated that he had to doubt everything, that there was always something inside of him seeking out the bad, waiting for something to go wrong.

 

“It’s not weird, but it feels like it _should_ be,” Isak settled on eventually, and Even snorted.

 

“Should be?” he echoed, raising an eyebrow. “Are you saying you _want_ something to be wrong?”

 

Isak groaned in frustration and moved forward to bury his face in Even’s shoulder.

 

“Of course not,” he replied, voice muffled, “but this just feels too simple.” Isak and Even had fallen into each other easily, and it had seemed almost seamless. After a long time of things being difficult, of Isak always being tense and filled with a cold sadness, it was like it was all he was used to now. Anything more positive was almost foreign to him, and he didn’t know how to react to it.

 

“Only you would complain about things being easy,” Even said fondly, bringing his hand up to comb it through Isak’s hair methodically.

 

“I know it sounds stupid,” Isak muttered, shuffling back again so he could look at Even, who shook his head and smiled.

 

“It doesn’t. This is a pretty big change, and you usually hate change, but you don’t hate this. You like to see things in black and white, but this feels pretty grey right now.” Even said, and Isak wondered when he would stop being shocked by how much Even seemed to understand him.

 

“But to answer your question,” Even carried on, “No. I don’t think this is weird. It feels right.” Even’s mouth curled up into a smile, and Isak couldn’t help but smile back, shuffling forward again so that he could kiss him.

 

“Feels right to me too,” Isak agreed, and he meant it.

 

“So stop thinking so hard,” Even said, before kissing Isak again. Isak obliged, shutting his eyes and melting into Even with a sigh. The niggling, nasty little thoughts would no doubt be back soon, but Isak let them go for now.

 

For the foreseeable future, Isak and Even would be slowly finding their footing in this new version of their relationship. Isak didn’t even know what to call Even, since boyfriend seemed a little bit ridiculous. Even was more than a boyfriend; he was Isak’s best friend too, and there wasn’t a word he could find that seemed like enough. It was intense and easy all at the same time; the way Isak’s heart squeezed whenever he so much as thought about Even was almost scary, but pretty incredible too. All Isak knew for sure was that having Even with him always made his mind feel much clearer, made him feel calmer, and Isak figured that was all he needed to focus on to know that this was right.

 

Isak fell asleep with Even’s head resting on his chest, and he couldn’t even bring himself to be annoyed that Even was dribbling on Isak’s shirt in his sleep. He was warm and comfortable and Isak had absolutely meant it when he’d told Even that being with him felt right. The voices that told him otherwise were the scared parts of himself, that were trying to protect him, trying to keep him in the bubble he’d created for himself to stay safe. But Isak didn’t want to be scared anymore. If being brave meant he got even a few moments of being as contented and happy as he was in that moment - drifting off to sleep with Even curled into his side - then he wanted to be brave as often as he could.

*

Isak was tired and cold and aching all over, but despite that, it had been a good day. He’d spent all day with Even and Marte, and he had no idea how such a tiny person could be so constantly full of energy, even though she’d woken up at five in the morning and Isak and Even were exhausted after just a few hours taking care of her.

 

They’d spent most of their day down at the track, with Marte wrapped up in far too many layers that Even had insisted she wore, and Isak being made to carry Marte’s three favourite toys so that they could come to the track too. Isak and Even were behind on their training after taking a couple of weeks off for Christmas, so needed to fit in a run whenever they could. They’d thought it might finally tire out the endlessly energetic five year old too, after trying desperately to keep her occupied all morning.

 

That meant they’d been running laps, taking turns having Marte on their shoulders whilst she yelled commands at them and tugged on their hair, demanding they go faster. She even asked to race the two boys when she was sick of being carried, and Isak had given her one of the medals out of his locker when she crossed the finish line first.

 

Marte skipped her way back home, dragging both Isak and Even by their hands as she sang to herself - a song she’d made up about the snow that she insisted Isak joined in with.

 

“I wish I had her energy,” Even said enviously. “Imagine how much we could get done if we had the energy of a five year old.”

 

“Not if we had her attention span along with it,” Isak pointed out. As if on cue, Marte stopped her song about the snow to gasp at a dog she saw across the street before breaking into song about that instead.

*

Marte finally crashed and fell asleep once they all got home, still wearing the medal Isak had given her around her neck. Even pulled her blanket over her whilst Isak gently pulled off her shoes, and Even pressed a kiss to her forehead just before Isak herded him out of the room.

 

Even went straight into his room and flopped onto the bed with a groan, and Isak rolled his eyes and smiled fondly when Even reached out a hand to Isak, motioning him over.

 

“I don’t know how my mum ever coped with looking after me and Marte at the same time on her own,” Even said, pulling Isak onto the bed with him once Isak had gotten close enough for him to grab his hand.

 

Isak crawled onto the bed and immediately curled into Even. Even’s bed was small, so the two had to tangle themselves together to fit. Isak didn’t mind at all.

 

“Your mother has the patience of a saint. Do you remember when you both decided to decorate her room and draw all over the walls?” Isak said with a smile, and Even snorted, hiding his face in Isak’s hair.

 

“God, that was a mess. Mum had to paint over everything except for my drawing of me, her, and Marte. Marte insisted we kept that, so it’s still there,” Even said fondly.

 

Though there was a rather large age gap between Even and Marte, Isak knew that Even absolutely adored her, and she worshipped him right back. He had all the time in the world for her, ready to play pretend or spend hours watching the same episode of a TV show on repeat. Even would give the world to Marte if she asked.

 

“She’s growing up so fast,” Isak said, and Even hummed in agreement. “She was so tiny the day she came home.”

 

Even stayed quiet, and when Isak turned his head to look at him, he was frowning, his eyes sad.

 

“I wasted so much time resenting her and not wanting her around,” Even mumbled, and Isak tutted and threaded his fingers through Even’s hair, rubbing circles into his scalp and smiling when Even relaxed ever so slightly.

 

“You were young, and I know you both love each other more than anything now,” Isak said softly.

 

Even’s mouth quirked up into the tiniest smile, and he nodded.

 

“She’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me,” he agreed.

 

Even’s father had left before he was even born, and when Even was thirteen, Even’s mother had decided to adopt a baby girl. Isak remembered Even coming to Isak’s after his mother had told him her plan. He’d curled up in Isak’s bed, face pale and expressionless and his hands shaking as he curled them up to his chest.

 

The only thing Even had said to Isak that night was after hours of silence when he’d turned to Isak and asked if he could live with him for a while. Isak had said yes without a second thought, and they’d spent the night making up ridiculous plans of how to have Even living in the attic of Isak’s house without his parents knowing. Isak had come up with all sorts of ways of smuggling food up to Even and drilling holes in the floor of the attic for Even to see through, desperately trying to cheer his best friend up.

 

It barely lasted a day. Isak finally convinced Even to go back home to talk to his mother when he’d found out what Even was running from.

 

Even’s feelings always seemed so intense, always took over him like a fog that made everything else outside of his emotions seem unreal. It was why Even often ran away from them, ran away from whatever it was that was taking over his body. After the past year of everything that happened, of Isak constantly feeling like his emotions were too big, too much for his body, he could finally sympathise.

 

It turns out that Marte was exactly the same - she had a heart just as big and as full as her brother’s. When she was happy, her laughter was contagious and unreserved, and when she was sad, her sorrow was tangible.

 

Even sighed loudly, and it pulled Isak from his reverie. “I can’t believe I ever reacted that way,” he said sullenly.

 

“I’m pretty sure you’ve made up for it by now, since you’re Marte’s hero,” Isak replied, and it made Even breathe out a weak laugh. There was still a crease between his brows, and Isak could tell the past was still weighing on his mind.

 

“It was just me and my mum for such a long time, I didn’t want someone new to be in the family. I guess I resented Marte for a while, I wondered why I wasn’t enough,” he explained with a shrug and a frown.

 

Isak hummed and trailed his fingers from Even’s head down his neck and across the notches on his spine, and he smiled when Even shivered under his touch.

 

“If I’ve learnt anything after all this shit that happened,” Isak began, and he felt Even hold him just a little bit tighter, “it’s that guilt is pointless, and all it does is make you feel bad for things you can’t change.”

 

Even stayed quiet for a few moments, before chuckling and pressing a kiss to Isak’s temple.

 

“You’re so smart,” he said with a sardonic smile.

 

Isak prodded Even in the ribs with a scowl.

 

“I _am_ smart,” he protested, “I’m the smartest. I don’t know what you’d do without me.”

 

Even’s face softened, and he leaned forward to kiss Isak, catching him off guard.

 

“I don’t know either,” he replied, his voice quiet. Isak rolled his eyes and tried to shrug it off, but he couldn’t ignore the way his heart stuttered at Even’s words.

 

Isak moved to settle his head on Even’s chest, all of the energy of the morning catching up to him and making his eyes burn and his limbs feel heavy. Isak heard a shutter sound above his head, and opened one eye to squint up at Even, who was taking a picture of him and Isak laid together.

 

“Did you just take a picture?” Isak mumbled, already settling back down on Even’s chest and shutting his eyes once more.

 

“Yup, Sonja asked what we’re doing today,” Even said cheerfully.

 

That made Isak reopen his eyes and sit himself up so that he could look at Even. He knew that Sonja and Even still talked regularly, but didn’t know that Even had mentioned anything about what had happened between him and Isak to her.

 

“Does she know that we’re-” Isak began, then frowned, trying to capture the words. “Does she know what happened?”

 

Even stopped typing on his phone to look down at Isak and nod, his face suddenly unsure.

 

“Yeah,” he said, and then, cautiously, “is that okay?”

 

Isak nodded, trying to swallow the lump in his throat “Of course,” he croaked. “Tell her I said hi.”

 

Even grinned and went back to typing, and Isak watched him silently for a few moments. Though it had only been a few days, the feeling from their first kiss hadn’t left - it still seemed like Isak and Even were just a little bit separate from the rest of the world. There was something crawling up Isak’s rib cage at the thought that bubble bursting, of other people knowing about them.

 

Isak knew he was being irrational about it. He had told Eskild almost straight away because everything had felt like too much to contain. But Isak had told him over the phone, with hundreds of miles between them, and Eskild still hadn’t come back from his parents. He still felt detached from it all, but whenever Isak thought of Eskild coming home it made Isak’s stomach do a flip. Soon, Isak would have to tell his friends too. He would be watched by strangers in the street as he and Even walked hand in hand, and they would make up their own assumptions about him without knowing the weight it held.

 

To know that Even had told his ex girlfriend made Isak feel like it was officially out of his control. It had been thrown from the safety of Isak and Even’s little space together, and Isak didn’t quite know how to feel about it.

 

Even snorted at Sonja’s reply, smiling down at his phone, and it brought Isak back to the present.

 

“Does she mind?” Isak asked quietly, and Even turned his head to look at Isak.

 

“Does she mind what?”

 

“Does she mind that we’re, y’know-” Isak took a deep breath. He still hadn’t found the right words for what he and Even were yet. “-Together.”  
  
  
Even looked bewildered for a few moments, before his mouth quirked up into a smile.  
  
  
“Isak, why would she mind?” he asked, raising an eyebrow.  
  
  
Isak threw his free hand up in the air and scowled, shaking his head.  
  
  
“I don’t know,” he said exasperatedly, “because she was your girlfriend?”  
  
  
“Yeah, _was_ ,” Even said, laughing and smoothing out the frown lines on Isak’s face with his thumb. “She’s happy for us, look.”  
  
  
Even turned his phone around to show Isak a picture of Sonja in her bed. She was surrounded by bags of snacks and a collection of plushies, with: “ _You two are disgustingly cute, and I’m forever alone_ ” written at the bottom of the photo. She was grinning though - that grin of hers that was always infectious - and she was giving the camera a thumbs up, her eyes shining.  
  
Isak snorted a laugh at the picture, and when he looked at Even again, he was mirroring Sonja’s grin. Before they’d broken up, Isak used to think that Sonja and Even’s happiness was almost blinding; they both had a way of being so full of joy that it seemed to make them both glow. Isak always thought that Even and Sonja shone together, and he wondered if he would seem dull in comparison.

 

It was no secret that Isak had never been in a relationship before. Of course there’d been girls he’d dated, but that was less of a relationship and more hanging out in companionable silence, just to fit in with everyone else at the school. He’d never been the type to want a relationship, like Magnus, who was desperate for one, or even Jonas, who despite his cynicism truly believed in love. It hadn’t mattered to Isak, and though that definitely had a lot to do with the fact he’d fought against his sexuality for so long, it was also because he’d never felt as though it mattered.

 

Even was different. He’d been a part of Isak’s life for so long, and everything about him made Isak see the world in a different way.

 

Even had been in a long term relationship before, wasn’t new to this, and it suddenly made Isak feel far too young and far too small. Isak tried to ignore it, snuggling in closer to Even’s side, and sighing contentedly when Even gave Isak a squeeze and kissed the top of his head.

 

“Was Sonja surprised?” Isak asked, voice muffled by Even’s shirt.

 

“Not in the slightest,” Even sniggered, and Isak lifted his head to raise an eyebrow at Even.

 

“No?” Isak really hoped Sonja didn’t think his feelings for Even had been a long term thing, like he’d been waiting for Sonja to leave so that he could have his chance. He knew Sonja and Even had been good for each other, and had never expected more from Even - he was just lucky that he’d gotten it.

 

“Sometimes I’m sure she’s psychic somehow, or maybe I was just really obvious,” Even said with a fond smile.

 

Isak frowned again at that, thinking back. Isak had felt so lost and lonely in his own feelings, trying desperately to squash them down and ignore them to keep his and Even’s friendship as it was. Until the second Even had kissed Isak, Isak had no idea that Even had felt the same way he did.

 

Isak lifted his head to say just that, to find that Even was fast asleep, eyes shut and jaw slack as his hand around Isak’s waist relaxed. Isak smiled to himself and settled down again, shutting his eyes and letting his thoughts slowly roll over in his mind.

 

He realised the thought of telling his friends about him and Even was daunting in the same way that it had been when he’d wanted to tell them that he was gay. It was the loss of control over their reactions that bothered him, the not knowing how they would respond, but not knowing how he _wanted_ them to react either. He didn’t want it to be a big deal, but at the same time wanted it to mean something, because it meant so much to him.

 

Isak had to put the same trust in his friends that he had before, and know that they were good people who just wanted him to be happy. Whatever happened, what Isak and Even had wouldn’t change, and neither would Isak’s feelings.

 

Isak eventually drifted off to sleep with a smile on his face, feeling calm wash over him as he listened to Even’s steady heartbeat.

*

Isak would never admit it to anyone, but he missed Eskild and Linn. The flat just wasn’t right without them. It felt cold and empty, and a little too similar to the house Isak had left behind. Though Isak hadn’t mentioned it, Even had been spending a lot more time at the flat, showing up on an evening with a bag full of groceries and a film to watch. Isak was used to being on his own. He’d spent so much time alone at his parent’s house before, so he could deal with the silence and too much space to himself. But it didn’t mean that he liked it, and he was so grateful for Even’s solid, comforting presence by him so that he didn’t have to be lonely.

 

Linn was staying with her family until after New Year, but Eskild planned to come back to Oslo to celebrate with his friends. Though it hadn’t even been a week yet, Eskild’s presence was always loud and filled the room, and not having him around made Isak feel uneasy.

 

Of course, the moment Eskild came back, Isak missed the peace and quiet.

 

Isak and Even had been falling asleep on the sofa, Even half laid on Isak with his face mushed into Isak’s neck. Isak was drawing patterns into Even’s back, Even’s breath hot on Isak’s skin as they both laid in contented quiet together. Isak realised that whenever Isak and Even had seen each other they’d spent most of their time tangled up together drifting in and out of sleep. When Isak mentioned just that to Even, he felt him breathe out a laugh into Isak’s neck.

 

“I don’t mind it. I’m always the most comfortable when I’m with you, so it’s easier to fall asleep,” Even mumbled, and Isak grinned, knowing just what he meant.

 

It had always been the same. Isak and Even just enjoyed each other’s company, and Isak always felt at ease around Even. Even before Isak had left home and had anxiety constantly gnawing on his insides, spending time with Even made him feel more grounded again. It was even better now, when Isak had a long day and his limbs felt heavy and head clouded with too many thoughts, tangling himself up with Even and holding him close just to breathe him in always made the world seem a little bit better.

 

It was then that Eskild came crashing through the door, carrying far too many bags considering he’d only been away a few days, and for some reason still wearing a christmas hat.

 

“There’s my favourite grumpy roommate!” Eskild called out in a sing-song voice, grinning at the two boys.

 

Even turned his head to give Eskild a half hearted wave, and Isak groaned and hid his face in Even’s hair.

 

Eskild sighed, and Isak could hear the eye roll in his voice when he spoke again.

 

“Charming. Nice to know you two missed me.”

 

Eskild didn’t make a comment on how Even and Isak were laid together, but when Isak caught his eye over the top of Even’s head when he made his way into the kitchen, Eskild grinned widely and gave Isak a thumbs up. Despite himself, Isak couldn’t help but grin right back, and he was grateful for Eskild, who was almost always loud and blunt, somehow managing to choose the right moments to be subtle.

 

Eskild immediately began making noise in the kitchen, banging pots and pans together and singing to himself, and the flat began to feel more like a home again.

 

Isak hauled himself upright despite Even’s protests and stretched himself out before grabbing Even’s wrist so that he could check his watch.

 

“Are you staying over?” he asked. It was early evening, and they’d wasted an entire day staying at home and watching movies on the sofa. They had attempted to get up and cook a meal at one point, but it was only then that Isak realised he hadn’t bought any food since Even’s last food package. Even’s packages mostly contained all of Isak and Even’s favourite candy, with a few pieces of fruit thrown in for good measure, and they had eaten it all the same day Even had brought it.

 

They had made a plan to go grocery shopping, but skipped the grocery store for the kebab shop next door. As Isak had sat opposite Even, laughing together with sauce around their mouths, he figured it was a better meal than any they could have cooked.

 

“I better go home,” Even said, leaning forward to rest his forehead on Isak’s shoulder. “But I’ll meet you for track tomorrow?”

 

Isak nodded, and followed Even to the door to say goodbye once they’d gotten up.

 

Kissing Even was still a novelty, still something Isak often forgot that he was allowed to do, but Even had no such reservations. He cupped Isak’s face in his hands and kissed him in a way that made Isak’s toes curl and his head feel sort of dizzy, and both of them were grinning when they broke apart.

 

Someone behind them made a disgusted noise, and both of them turned to see Eskild stood in the hallway, glaring at them.

 

“You two are _not_ invited to my New Year party,” he announced, sticking his chin in the air. “You’re too sappy and cute, you’ll make single guys like me feel even lonelier than we already did.”

 

Even made a sympathetic noise but had to cover his mouth to muffle his laughter, and Isak rolled his eyes before smiling smugly at his roommate.

 

“That’s okay, we already got invited somewhere better anyway,” He said. It was half true. Jonas’ parents were out of town over New Year so Jonas was throwing a house party. Loud parties filled with people Isak knew from school weren’t exactly his idea of fun, but he wanted to spend New Year with his best friends, and that was where they were all going to be.

 

“ _Please_ ,” Eskild scoffed, shaking his head. “No party is better than my parties. My parties are legendary.”

 

It was Even’s turn to speak up. “What about that party where Linn forgot to invite everyone?” he said, and all three of them smiled fondly at the memory. Isak missed Linn too, and not just because she was always the best at keeping Eskild in check. The house was only half full without her presence.

 

“That was still a legendary party. We got drunk and played board games, and I know you two had an amazing time, so don’t even try to lie to me.” Eskild said, pointing his finger at the other two boys.

 

Both Even and Isak conceded with a shrug, and Eskild grinned triumphantly.

 

“Glad that we can all agree that I’m the best at parties,” he said, before turning away from them and heading off down the hallway, calling out at them over his shoulder. “Keep the PDA to a minimum. My stone cold heart can only take so much.”

 

Isak laughed as he watched Eskild disappear into his room, and sighed happily when Even stepped closer to him and kissed his temple.

 

“Did Eskild know about us before now? He didn’t seem very surprised,” Even asked.

 

Isak nodded, turning so that he could look at Even.

 

“I told him after that night. He saw me leave the flat and was worried about me so I had to explain,” Isak said with a shrug, then added. “He was the first person I’ve told. The only person, actually.”

 

A small smile crept onto Even’s face and he leant forward to kiss Isak again.

 

“The first person I told was Marte,” he offered, and Isak grinned, reaching out to tangle his and Even’s fingers together.

 

“Yeah? What did she say?”

 

“She thinks our story is better than any other story she’s ever heard,” Even said, smiling proudly.

 

Isak frowned and tilted his head, making a noise to prompt Even into explaining, which he gladly did so.

 

“She asked me to tell her a story, so I told her about us. We were two princes who lived in castles next door to each other, and snuck into each other’s castles to play together,” Even began, and Isak was immediately taken back to the story about the princes that Isak had told Even not so long ago to cheer him up. Even gave Isak a crooked smile as he spoke that told Isak he had been thinking about the exact same thing when he’d came up with the new tale.

 

Even continued his story, looking up at the ceiling as he relayed it. “One prince ran away into the woods and they thought he’d never be seen again, but the other went looking for him. It took him days, and he had to fight dragons and monsters to get to the other prince. When he found him was when they had their first kiss, and they built a castle to live in together.” Isak knew it was just a stupid story to help a child get to sleep, but nevertheless, he couldn’t dampen down the glowing feeling inside of him.

Even squinted, as if he were trying to remember something else, then he made a triumphant noise and added one one last part to the story. “Oh, and they wore wooly hats with bells on instead of crowns, and had ten pet goats, according to Marte. She really likes goats, lately.” Even made a face at the last part, but he still had that endlessly fond look on his face that he always got when he talked about his little sister.

 

Isak stayed quiet, staring at Even with bewildered awe, so Even just carried on talking.

 

“I told her afterwards that the story was based on me and you, and do you know what she said? She said ‘of course it was, I’m not stupid’,” Even laughed, shaking his head. “I swear she’s a teenager trapped in a six year old’s body.”

 

Isak was still stunned into silence, and the feeling of joyful admiration that had completely took over his body pushed his mouth into a smile of its own accord. He loved how Even’s mind worked, how he saw the world and made stories. His view was its own special brand of technicolour, and Isak would never get tired of it.

 

He wanted to tell Even just that, but didn’t quite know how to put it into words, so instead he stepped forward and pressed his and Even’s foreheads together.

 

“You’re amazing,” he said simply, and he grinned at the way Even’s cheeks turned pink.

 

“I just like telling stupid stories,” he muttered with a shrug.

 

Isak shook his head and tilted it so that he could kiss Even, and his heart soared when he felt Even smile into the kiss.

 

The two boys jumped when they heard Eskild shout from down the hall.

 

“I thought Even was going home like an hour ago?” he called, and Isak snorted and hid his face in Even’s neck, laughing along with Even.

 

“I’ll see you tomorrow for track. Bright and early, right?” Even asked, stepping away from Isak to put on his coat.

 

Isak grumbled and shook his head.

 

“What is it with you and getting up stupidly early when we don’t have to?” he muttered. Isak wanted to make the most of his time off school and spend every morning in bed, preferably with Even. But unfortunately, Even had other ideas.

 

Even just smiled sweetly and didn’t reply, pressing a quick kiss to Isak’s cheek before disappearing out of the door, ignoring Isak flipping him off with a scowl.

 

Isak sat down on the sofa with a sigh, and began thinking about Jonas’ New Year party. He figured that was the best time to tell them about him and Even, though he still didn’t quite know how to go about it. It felt stupid, telling them something that to Isak seemed almost effortless and like nothing had changed. He realised he wasn’t scared of telling them, didn’t have the spike of nerves he usually got when he had to open up to people, and it made him smile to himself.

 

A text came through Isak’s phone - a confirmation for his appointment to see his mother again in a couple of days so that he could wish her a happy New Year. For a brief moment, Isak thought about telling his mother about him and Even, and immediately his stomach dropped. He didn’t have the same security he had with his friends. He knew his friends, and knew how they would react, knew none of them were judgemental, and definitely not homophobic. But Isak barely knew his mother now. She was different from the mum he’d remembered as a child, and though she was getting better every day, their relationship was still shaky.

 

A small part of Isak _wanted_ to tell his mother. Even made Isak so happy, and he wanted to share that with whoever he could, but the fear of not knowing how she would react made him feel cold all over. Isak didn’t want to risk what he and his mother had built back up, after months of her resenting him, and then years of her barely recognising him, he couldn’t go back to that again.

 

Eskild came past Isak and reached out, giving his shoulder a squeeze. It brought Isak back to earth again just before his brain was just about to spin out of control. Eskild gave Isak a friendly smile, which Isak weakly returned, and he pushed thoughts of his mother out of his mind for the moment, letting himself breathe.

*

Despite all of Isak’s complaining for Even making him get up early to train, he had to admit that there was something special about the sunrise. It was like a movie scene, with the world seeming so silent, the sky slowly changing colours, and frost still clinging to everything it could.

 

That didn’t mean that he was going to tell Even that.

 

“Being awake this early should be a crime,” Isak grumbled as they made their way to the track.

 

Even laughed and moved closer so that he could wrap an arm around Isak’s shoulders.

 

“Stop complaining, this is the best time to train. There’s never anyone here this early so we can have the place to ourselves,” Even said, and Isak reached up to hold Even’s hand that was draped over his shoulder.

 

“Yeah ‘cause no one else is stupid enough to be up at eight in the morning in the middle of winter,” Isak muttered. “Can we at least go back to bed after this?”

 

Even smiled and pressed a kiss to Isak’s cheek. “We can spend all day in bed if you like. I’ll even make us breakfast.”

 

Isak smiled triumphantly, then yelped when Even let go of Isak to give him a shove through the gates of the stadium.

 

“But first, we have work to do,” said Even, and though Isak groaned and grumbled, he felt that familiar thrill run through him when he looked at the empty track stretched out in front of him.

 

They both put in their headphones and stretched out their long, tired limbs before setting off jogging side by side. Isak slowly began to find his rhythm, letting the cold air fill his lungs in time with his feet pounding across the ground. The music coming from his headphones filled his head, and he quickly got into his space where his brain could switch off and his feet could keep moving. Isak looked to his right, and Even had his tongue stuck out of the corner of his mouth, ever so slightly nodding his head to whatever song he was listening to. He caught Isak’s eye and grinned at him, before beginning to mouth along with the song, head bobbing up and down. Isak laughed and rolled his eyes as Even’s singing became louder so that Isak could hear it over his own music, voice echoing around the empty stadium. Even spun so that he was in front of Isak, facing him and running backwards.

 

“Can you believe I’m faster than you, even when I’m running backwards?” Even joked, shouting over his music before going back to singing along, using his water bottle as a microphone as the two boys carried on running.

 

Isak just shook his head and picked up his speed so that he was closer to Even, and when Even tried to speed up to match him he stumbled, arms flailing and face dropping in panic. Isak caught him just in time, unable to control his loud laughter at Even’s petulant expression.

 

“Just run facing the direction that you’re supposed to, idiot,” Isak said, still laughing as Even fell back in line beside him, pouting. “And your singing is terrible.”

 

Even gasped and clutched at his heart, turning to scowl at Isak.

 

“You _love_ my singing,” he insisted. “You should feel lucky that you get to hear me sing every day. I’m a star in the making.”

 

Isak thought of training days at the track when the two boys were exhausted, but Isak would hear Even singing cheerfully in the shower cubicle beside him, and it always made him smile. He thought of watching Marte and Even’s ridiculous shows they played together, where they would stand at the top of the stairs singing loudly, and how it made Isak’s heart fill with joy. He thought of the mornings Even had stayed over more recently, where Isak would wake up to hear him singing along to the radio as he made them both breakfast, still humming as he greeted Isak with a good morning kiss.

 

Isak _was_ lucky to get to hear Even singing, and he couldn’t deny that seeing Even so vibrant and full of life was the thing that made him happiest.

 

Isak didn’t quite know how to put that into words, so he didn’t even try.

 

“Your singing is so bad it’s painful,” Isak scoffed, and Even gasped again, trying to hide his laughter behind his hand as he glared at Isak in mock offence.

 

“I might be a bad singer,” Even began, mouth curling up into a sly smile, “But I’m still way faster than you.”

 

With that, Even picked up speed and set off sprinting down the track, and though Isak knew he had no chance of catching him as always, he could never say no to a challenge. Isak ran after Even, grinning to himself as he could hear Even whooping and laughing just ahead of him.

 

“I hate you,” Isak called out as he finally caught up to Even who was stood waiting, swinging his arms and grinning.

 

“No you don’t,” Even replied confidently, hooking his arm around Isak’s waist and pulling him closer.

 

Isak draped his arms over Even’s shoulders, leaning forward to kiss the smug smile off of Even’s face.

 

“Are you going to stop being a showoff now so we can actually train?” Isak complained.

 

Even rolled his eyes and grumbled something about Isak being a killjoy, but conceded anyway, taking a swig of his water and putting his headphones back in. He gave Isak one last chaste kiss before turning and setting off jogging. Isak copied him, following closely behind and laughing to himself when he heard Even start singing again.

*

As Even had promised, he and Isak had spent the entire rest of that day mostly in bed. Isak knew that when winter break was over, it would be back to too much school work and doubling the training for competitions with barely any time to rest. So he decided he would make the most of having time to waste for as long as he could.

 

They had drifted in and out of sleep, sometimes watching TV shows together, sometimes Even sat up and drew whilst Isak tried his best to try and get ahead on schoolwork. They had eaten snacks through the day and taken Eskild’s offer of pizza later in the evening.

 

It had been a day that had left Isak feeling warm all over, made him feel like things had settled into the right place; like everything was right in the world.

 

Of course, that couldn’t last long. The day after was the day Isak was seeing his mother again, and his whole body was buzzing with nerves. He really did look forward to seeing her - the hugs his mother gave were something special that no one else’s could measure up to - but there was still so much weight to it. All he could think of were the countless times he’d walk into his house, not knowing how she would be or what would happen.

 

That feeling never left him, and it got even worse as he walked through the doors of the building and up to the front desk. He could feel his hands shaking as he reached for the pen to sign in, and he tried desperately to swallow down the sharp lump in his throat.

 

Isak’s phone buzzed in his pocket, and he pulled it out to see Even had sent him a picture of him and Marte. They were both covered in paint and grinning at the camera, and Even’s hair had been tied up in bunches. Despite everything, Isak couldn’t help but grin, and it made his breathing even out ever so slightly.

 

Isak heard footsteps coming down the corridor, and he recognised them straight away. Before Isak could even process her, his mother pulled him into a hug the second she saw him, rubbing a hand across his back and pressing a kiss to his cheek. Isak hugged her back just as tightly and breathed her in, finally feeling like his feet were back on solid ground.

 

“Did you read the book I said you’d like?” she asked in lieu of a greeting. She took a step back and cradled Isak’s face with her hands, grinning at him.

 

Isak scanned her face. She had dark shadows under her eyes and her lips had been bitten red, but her smile was genuine, and her eyes were shining. Isak took what felt like the first breath he’d inhaled since he’d walked into the building.

 

“I give it a seven out of ten,” Isak replied, matching his mother’s smile.

 

“You have to tell me all your thoughts,” she said as she took Isak’s hand and led him back down the hallway to her room. She was talking excitedly as they walked, and Isak’s heart squeezed with happiness.

 

There wasn’t a second of awkward silence or even time for Isak to worry for a moment longer, since Isak and his mother didn’t stop talking once from the moment they’d greeted each other. It felt just like when Isak was younger, before everything got complicated. He used to love talking to his mum, hearing her tell him stories as she smiled wistfully and drew patterns into the palm of his hand.

 

She’d bought him his first astronomy book, and they’d spent hours together looking through all of the pictures. Isak would read out parts to her, stumbling over the complicated descriptions and names, whilst she listened patiently, hanging on his every word. Isak still had that book now, covered in pen from Isak’s scribbled notes and plenty of dog eared pages. Though it was a little worse for wear and had a few pages missing, it was still Isak’s favourite.

 

Isak noticed his mother’s hands shaking when she reached out to pick up her mug, and his heart dropped a little. Though he knew his mother wasn’t completely better, and never would be, sometimes his childish hope got the better of him. Most of the time he could be rational about it, but when she was right in front of him, looking and acting just like she used to, it was hard to not let hope take over.

 

His mother’s voice broke Isak’s train of thought. She was watching him carefully, her face scanning his features. She’d always been able to read Isak like a book, and Isak squirmed under her stare.

 

“How was your Christmas?” she asked. Christmas seemed forever ago, even though not even a week had passed.

 

Isak told her all about his celebrations with Eskild and Linn, and how he spent Christmas day with Even, Marte, and their mum. Her face brightened at the mention of them, and she told him about Even’s mother visiting her just a few days ago.

 

“I’m so glad you have such good people around you. Your roommates sound lovely,” she said, and Isak nodded enthusiastically.

 

“They’re great,” he said, and then reached out to take her hand. “You could maybe come around for dinner one night? They’d love to meet you.”

 

Isak’s mother gave him a watery smile as she squeezed Isak’s hand and mumbled, “That would be amazing,” and Isak felt just a little bit proud that he could show his mum the home he’d built and the life he’d made for himself.

 

Isak’s phone buzzed on the desk beside him, and he grinned when he saw Even’s name flash up on the screen. Isak had told him he’d be fine coming back to the flat on his own, but Even had insisted on meeting him at the centre so they could go home together. Isak had been secretly relieved that he didn’t have to make the journey back alone, and he had a feeling Even knew that.

 

As Isak was sending Even a paragraph full of multicoloured hearts, Isak’s mother spoke up and made him jump

 

“Someone special texting you?” she asked, smirking at him.

 

Isak immediately balked, hiding his phone to his chest and feeling his cheeks grow hot.

 

“It’s, uh, it’s just Even,” he muttered, though it was never _just_ Even. Whether it was seeing him in person or getting a message from him when they were apart, Even never failed to make Isak smile in a way no one else could.

 

His mother’s smile turned fond and she patted Isak’s knee with her free hand. “You two were inseparable since the day you met. It was like you’d met before in another life, I’m sure your souls recognised each other.”

 

Isak felt a lump form in his throat and he ducked his head. Isak and his mother used to spend hours talking about reincarnation, about the mysteries of the universe and how one short life couldn’t possibly be all there was. His mother was convinced that souls moved from one being to another. She would tell Isak tales of invisible red strings connecting one lost soul to another, no matter how far apart they were.

 

Isak had never really believed it, and still didn’t. But the way his mother said it with so much belief and feeling made his heart stutter in his chest.

 

He realised this could be his chance to open his mouth and tell his mum about him and Even, or even just that he was gay. But he didn’t. He kept his mouth shut and instead leant forward to kiss his mother’s forehead. It wasn’t the time or the place, and Isak was still figuring himself out, still finding out who he was and where he fit. He was almost there, and was the happiest he’d ever been, so he didn’t want anything to change that. Just because he didn’t speak it aloud, didn’t mean it was any less true or any less real. Isak would tell his mum some time, with no fanfare or big declarations or any weight behind it, but that moment would come naturally and without thought.

 

Regardless, Isak had a sneaking suspicion that his mother knew anyway. Isak had always been transparent to her. When he was younger it frustrated him because he could never lie, but now he appreciated it because it meant he could tell her things without words.

 

Just before Isak left, she took his face in her hands again and looked him in the eye, face serious.

 

“I am _so_ proud of you, Isak,” she said, reaching up on her tiptoes to kiss the top of his head like she used to when he was a child.

 

Isak pulled her close and hugged her tightly, and let every bit of hope he’d squashed down blossom inside of him. He and his mum were going to be just fine, and he was just as proud of her as she was of him.

 

Isak’s mother followed him to the waiting area to say goodbye, and the moment she saw Even she hurried over to him and pulled him into a bone crushing hug without a word. Even wrapped his arms around her in return, and grinned at Isak over his shoulder. Isak felt like his heart was going to burst.

 

For a long time, all Isak wanted was to be happy, and he was always searching for that feeling of bright joy, rather than the dark dullness that usually surrounded him. But Isak was finding that his favourite feeling wasn’t the ones that were overwhelming and usually came in short bursts of colour. He loved it best when he just felt completely content, when his feet were on the ground and his smile was genuine and everything felt like it was just right.

*

New Year’s Eve came around quicker than Isak had imagined, and the buzz of excitement for the evening to come was tangible everywhere he went. Eskild, wearing a feather boa and matching lipstick, shooed Even and Isak out of the house early, and he gave them both smacking kisses on their cheeks that left lipstick marks on their skin.

 

“I’ll see you next year, boys,” Eskild called loudly, before leaning in a little bit closer to Isak and whispering. “This is your year, Isak, I know it. Maybe you’ll even start cracking a smile every now and again.”

 

Eskild winked and patted Isak on the back, and Isak tried to roll his eyes but couldn’t help grinning back at Eskild. Both he and Even left scrubbing at their stained cheeks with their sleeves, and Eskild’s enthusiasm must have rubbed off on Isak because he could feel the spark of anticipation crawling up his ribcage as he and Even walked out into the cold.

 

They had been invited to the pre-game at Jonas’, but instead decided to spend time with Marte, celebrating the New Year with her before her bedtime. They played with sparklers in the garden and ended up laid on the frosty grass watching the stars whilst Marte gave new names to each constellation. Isak had tried in vain to tell her the actual names of each cluster of stars, but she just shook her head defiantly and turned to glare at Isak.

 

“They’re boring names. My names are _much_ better,” she insisted, her expression resolute.

 

Even was laid beside Isak, drawing patterns across the palm of his hand and up his forearm, as if he were drawing his own constellations across Isak’s skin. Marte carried on talking excitedly about aliens and shooting stars and the man who lives on the moon, and Isak listened to her every word with a fond smile on his face. Isak saw himself in her so often, the pure uncontainable excitement he used to get when he was younger, rambling on for hours about what he’d read in the science books he loved so much. Isak couldn’t remember when he’d lost that passion he used to have, but it had faded away after years of spending all of his energy just getting through each day.

 

As Isak told Marte stories about the stars and the planets and watched how her face lit up with joy, he felt like he was slowly starting to get that feeling back again.

* 

Jonas’ house was already full to bursting when Isak and Even finally got there. Even though Jonas had only invited a few friends, word had gotten out and almost everyone from the boy’s school were there. Even took Isak’s hand so he could get them both through the crowd, and for an irrational moment Isak thought about pulling away.

 

Isak being gay wasn’t a secret, since almost the moment he told his friends it had spread through the school like wildfire. Isak had his friends supporting him, so he was able to deal with it well enough with the right people by his side. Still, once the brief flash of gossip had tore its way through the school and eventually burned out, it was quickly forgotten. It was almost like it went back to being a secret, like Isak had to prove himself for people to know that he was still gay. Isak hadn’t thought about it much since, but he suddenly realised the fact it’d been brushed aside had made him fall back into his comfort zone. Now, Isak had nowhere to hide as he walked beside Even. Though discomfort squirmed coldly in his gut, Isak still held on tight to Even’s hand.

 

His friends were nowhere to be seen, lost somewhere in the dark room full of people, so Isak wrestled his way into the kitchen to get him and Even a drink. Isak wished he’d thought to drink with Even before they came to the party, because walking into a house full of drunk people when you were sober was almost painfully exhausting. The humid energy was stinging and prickling across his skin, and he didn’t have his usual buffer of the alcohol that numbed his body and dulled his senses. His shirt felt too tight around his neck, and the house was far too warm and kitchen so cramped that Isak felt as though he was suffocating. Instead of fighting his way to the fridge, Isak turned on his heel and retreated back to Even, his breathing coming out in shallow little gasps as black spots began to creep into his vision.

 

Just as Isak left the kitchen, his head spinning and heart stammering, Even appeared beside him and took his hand, and Isak took a deep, shaking breath in, dizzy with relief.

 

“Jonas’ parents are gonna _kill_ him,” Even said into Isak’s ear as he led him away from the masses of people and towards the sofas in the middle of the room.

 

Isak snorted and nodded in agreement, rubbing at his eyes and trying to stop his vision blurring and still fighting to get in enough air. He watched as Even sat himself on the back of the sofa, before stepping forward and standing in between his legs and slinging his arms over Even’s shoulders. Even tilted his head forward so that his forehead was resting against Isak’s, smiling softly as their noses bumped together. Isak felt Even’s warm comfort wash over him, and he balled his fists into Even’s shirt to stop his hands from shaking.

 

Even was slowly trailing his fingers up and down Isak’s ribs, and it was soothing Isak’s aching head and the uncomfortable feeling burning across his skin. Even always seemed to be so in tune with Isak’s feelings, even when Isak couldn’t figure them out himself. He was effortlessly caring, and always gentle and quietly kind exactly when Isak needed it, and Isak would never not be grateful for that.

 

The party around them became distant and muted, and Isak closed the space between him and Even so that he could kiss him, moving his hands up to tangle his fingers in Even’s hair. Even wrapped his arm around Isak’s waist and pulled him closer, smiling against his lips before deepening the kiss, inviting Isak to get lost in it. Isak happily did so, and almost forgot where he was and how many people were in the room, letting himself focus on the moment and take a step away from the chaos.

 

That was, until they heard a shout from beside them, making them both jump and break apart.

 

“What the fuck?” Magnus shouted again as Isak turned to look at him, still half dazed. He was staring at Isak and Even, and on either side of him were Mahdi and Jonas. Mahdi was trying to hide his laughter behind his hands, and Jonas was just grinning, looking incredibly smug.

 

All five boys stared at each other for a few moments, until Even leant forward to whisper in Isak’s ear.

 

“I’m guessing you didn’t get a chance to tell the boys?” Even joked. Isak burst out laughing and turned to hide his face in Even’s hair, trying to shake off the panic that had started to rise up inside of him again. In the moment, Isak had forgotten people could be watching them, and the fear of that came before Isak could get a chance to convince himself that it didn’t matter if they were.

 

As Isak was counting to fifty slowly in his head, willing his heart to stop hammering, Magnus rushed forward to slap Isak on the back, still looking bewildered.

 

“How long has this been going on?” he demanded. Isak started to worry that Magnus was mad, or judging him and Even somehow. He instinctively moved closer to Even, reaching out to take his hand and leaning heavily into his side.

 

“Just a couple of weeks,” Even answered for the both of them, giving Isak’s hand a gentle squeeze.

 

Jonas turned up beside Isak and winked at him, still grinning as he gave him a thumbs up, and Isak couldn’t help but grin back. Mahdi was just beside Jonas smiling widely too, and he nodded when Isak caught his eye.

 

Magnus began firing questions at both Isak and Even, and Isak was thankful that Even took most of the questions, still keeping a tight hold of Isak’s hand.

 

“When were you going to tell us?” Magnus finally asked after his interrogation. Isak felt Jonas nudge his side before handing him a beer, which Isak took with a loud sigh of relief.

 

“Magnus, me and Even are dating, ok? _Now_ we’ve told you,” he said tiredly, and he could hear the other three boys laughing around him.

 

Even’s grin was blinding as he kissed the top of Isak’s head and wrapped his arm around him, still sniggering at Magnus’ pout.

 

The conversation quickly turned away from Isak and Even - after Magnus had insisted on pulling them both into a bone crushing hug - and Isak felt completely comfortable wrapped up in Even’s arms as the group of boys talked together.

 

“Does anyone want to volunteer to help me clear this up tomorrow before my parents get home?” Jonas asked with a look of despair, eyes scanning the mess of the room.

 

Both Magnus and Mahdi muttered weak excuses that Jonas scowled at, and Isak followed their lead.

 

“Sorry man, but we have training,” he said with a shrug, biting his lip and trying not to laugh at how offended Jonas looked.

 

“No we don’t,” Even said cheerfully. “We’ll help.”

 

Isak groaned and turned to Even to give him a pointed look, but Even just ignored it and shrugged, biting his lip to hide his smile.

 

Jonas, Mahdi, and Magnus laughed loudly, and Jonas reached forward to high five Even as Isak’s face darkened.

 

“I hate you,” Isak muttered to Even, but Even’s smile didn’t falter.

 

“No you don’t,” he said confidently, ducking his head to press a chaste kiss to Isak’s lips.

 

Just before Even could back off, Isak hooked his hand around Even’s neck to hold him there so that he could kiss him again, and he heard the rest of the boy’s around him groan.

 

“Oh god, it’s been five minutes and you two are annoyingly cute already,” Jonas complained.

 

“I need another drink if I’m going to have to put up with this bullshit for the rest of our lives,” Magnus added, grabbing Jonas’ wrist to pull him with him into the kitchen.

 

Even’s smile was smug as he gave Isak one last kiss before following the other two boys to get a drink of his own, and Isak and Mahdi were left alone. Isak had barely spoken to Mahdi since the weird questions he’d asked him that day in the kitchen, and Isak was still wondering if there had been a reason behind that.

 

Just as Isak opened his mouth to ask, Mahdi’s eyes widened at something behind Isak and he swore under his breath and ducked his head.

 

“Shit! I need to hide,” he said hastily, before turning on his heel and disappearing further into the room.

 

Isak followed, bewildered, and found Mahdi in the corner at the other end of the room, looking around warily.

 

“Dude, what the fuck?” Isak asked once he had pushed his way through the masses of people to get to him.

 

Mahdi brought his shoulders up around his ears, looking almost guilty as he stared down at his feet, unable to meet Isak’s eyes.

 

“It was someone I hooked up with. They’ve been texting and calling me all the time and I’ve been avoiding them,” Mahdi admitted, and Isak snorted.

 

“Sounds like she’s really into you,” Isak said, waggling his eyebrows. “Is she someone we know?”

 

Mahdi looked up to meet Isak’s eyes, and spoke so quietly that Isak thought he’d misheard at first. But Isak knew that face, knew what Mahdi was feeling in that moment, because he’d felt it before too. That fear of judgement, just waiting for the surprised looks and misplaced sympathy.

 

“It’s a guy,” Mahdi repeated again, squaring his shoulders and lifting his chin, defending himself against that inevitably awkward, stilted reaction that Isak knew all too well.

 

Isak tried to keep his voice level, smiling as he rephrased what he’d said before.

 

“Sorry. Is he someone from school?” he said, sighing in relief when he saw all the tension melt out of Mahdi’s body.

 

“Nah, someone from the skate park,” Mahdi replied.

 

Isak was trying his hardest not to let the shock show on his face. He didn’t even understand _why_ he was so shocked, because unless someone told you, it was almost impossible to work out their sexuality. Isak had lived for far too long with straight being the default for him. It was hard to unlearn it when he’d grown up with it all of his life; all over the television and in every song and movie he’d ever loved. He’d thought that he was always the odd one out, that there was something wrong with him, but that was never true. He hated that his assumptions were the same as those he’d resented so long, and he tried to shake that uncomfortable feeling off as he stepped a little closer to Mahdi so that he could give his arm a reassuring squeeze.

 

“Did you decide he’s not your type?” Isak asked.

 

Mahdi shook his head and sighed. “No, it’s not like that, it’s just-” Mahdi sighed again and looked across the room to where the other guy was standing. Isak was sure he’d seen him before, hanging around with Mahdi when the others had gone to meet them. Isak wondered how long Mahdi had been keeping that secret close to his chest, and immediately felt guilty for not picking up on it sooner.

 

“We’ve always been high and drunk whenever we’ve hooked up, and now it’s awkward and I don’t know what to do,” Mahdi finished eventually, face creased into a frown.

 

Isak knew that feeling of painful uncertainty, and how much it could gnaw away at your thoughts and warp the truth. He remembered how much it felt like it had rocked his world when he had kissed Even, unsure what would come after. It was uncomfortable and lonely, and the only thing that could make it better was the truth.

 

“Do you like him?” asked Isak, watching as Mahdi turned to look over where the other guy was standing before nodding shortly.

 

“So you need to talk to him, man. You can’t avoid him forever,” Isak said.

 

Mahdi groaned in reply and hid his face in his hands, and Isak nudged his side to hand Mahdi his barely touched beer.

 

Mahid took it gratefully with a sigh, downing it in one go and squaring his shoulders.

 

“What if it’s awkward?” he asked meekly, grimacing.

 

“It probably will be,” Isak admitted, shrugging. “But you have to try.”

 

Mahdi gave Isak one last look of despair, before squeezing his shoulder in a silent thanks and disappearing off into the crowd. Isak watched him go and crossed his fingers behind his back, hoping Mahdi could at least get that uncertainty swirling inside of him to settle a little.

 

Magnus, Jonas, and Even reappeared just as Mahdi was leaving, and Magnus turned to watch him go, before turning back to the other boys with a sly smile.

 

“Is Mahdi going to see that girl he’s been hooking up with in secret?” Magnus asked.

 

Isak shrugged and stayed silent, but Magnus barely ever needed any prompting to carry on talking.

 

“He always disappears on a night out to hook up with someone, but won’t tell us who. He’s been texting someone a lot lately too, I figure it’s the same girl.”

 

Magnus and Jonas began theorising with each other who it could be, naming girls they knew from school and arguing over who was Mahdi’s type. Even laughed at the other two boys before leaning in close to Isak to whisper in his ear.

 

“It’s a guy, isn’t it?” Even said quietly, and Isak immediately spun around to face him.

 

“How did you know?” Isak hissed, looking around them to see if the other boys had heard.

 

Even just shrugged in reply, grinning.

 

“I had a feeling,” he replied, and Isak rolled his eyes.

 

“You’re unbelievable,” he muttered, but couldn’t help grinning back as Even hooked a finger through Isak’s belt loop to pull him closer.

 

“Just perceptive,” Even said, pressing a kiss to Isak’s temple. “Which is why I’ve noticed that you’re not into this party at all. Wanna get out of here?”

 

Isak first reaction was to say yes so that he could retreat home to bed with Even by his side. The walls around him still felt like they were closing in, and his lungs were struggling to get in enough air, but despite that, he didn’t want to leave his friends. Since Isak had known Jonas, Mahdi, and Magnus, he and Even had spent every New Year with them, and Isak didn’t want that to change.

 

Isak wrapped his arms around Even to hug him tightly, mumbling a thank you into his ear and gently drawing out a wobbly heart in the space between Even’s shoulder blades with his finger.

 

“I’m okay, I promise. The guys would kill me if I bailed on them tonight,” he said.

 

Even looked skeptical and mumbled something about Isak’s friends being understanding, but relented quickly. He knew Isak was much more stubborn than he was.

 

“How about we go to the cave then?” he offered.

 

Isak was so grateful for how good Even seemed to be at compromising. He nodded enthusiastically as relief washed over him, taking Even’s hand and leading the way out of the living room.

 

The cave was a name Jonas had given to a room at the back of his parent’s house that they had turned into a sort of hideout for him. It was full of books and DVD’s, with a TV in the middle and a collection of bean bags dotted around it. Isak had spent so many hours in there wasting time playing video games or binge watching TV shows with his friends. He’d often used it as a place to retreat to when things at home were bad, too, and Jonas had been more than happy to give the space up to him whenever he’d needed it.

 

It was always locked up when parties were happening, but each of the five boys had a key. Isak unlocked it and flicked on all the lights, and the room was vibrating from the noise of the living room where the party was still in full swing. He sighed with relief at the muted noise and calm of the room, and settled down on the rug, burying his fingers into the soft fibres.

 

“Feel better?” Even asked softly, sitting down beside Isak and handing him a beer he’d taken from upstairs before they’d escaped.

 

Isak nodded with a grin before falling onto his back so that he was laid down, and Even quickly followed suit.

 

Isak turned his head to look at Even, and his stomach did a flip when he saw that Even was already looking at him, smiling softly. The party seemed far away now; the suffocating feeling finally leaving Isak as he took a deep breath and smiled back at Even.

 

Even’s eyes flitted up to the ceiling and he tucked his hands under his head.

 

“What are your New Year resolutions this time?” asked Even, and Isak rolled his eyes.

 

“You ask me this every year and I always tell you the same thing. Resolutions are bullshit, and no one ever keeps them,” Isak muttered, and Even laughed quietly.

 

“You’re such a pessimist,” Even complained, but his tone was fond. “Resolutions don’t have to be quitting something and making yourself miserable, it can be just something you want for the year.”

 

“Well what do _you_ want?” Isak retorted.

 

Even hummed, eyes going back up to the ceiling.

 

“The usual. Train harder, spend more time with family, take more photos. Maybe I’ll start making those films I always wanted to.” Even paused for a moment, and Isak saw him tense his jaw before he quietly added: “Maybe I can lower the dosage of my meds some more.”

 

Even’s resolutions sounded more like things he was looking forward to, rather than promises to himself. He might only manage a few of them, and the rest would be forgotten about, but he didn’t seem to mind. Isak thought of the past couple of years, and how when he looked back on them it all melded into a heap of bad memories and darkness. He knew logically that there had been plenty of good times too, but the bad most certainly overshadowed them, making that good hard to recall.

 

“I just want things to stay how they are,” Isak said with a shrug. “I want things to be okay, and I want to be as happy as I am right now, but it’s not like I have any power over that.”

 

The happiness Isak had been feeling lately was overwhelming, the type that took over his whole body, and after such a long time of feeling nothing but emptiness, the contrast was dizzying. He hoped that it would all keep getting better, but he knew it was naive to think that things would always be that good.

 

Even hummed again, reaching out to rest one hand on Isak’s thigh.  

 

“How about we make a resolution to try our best to keep each other happy?” he suggested. “Or at least, more happy than sad.”

 

Even said it like it was easy, like he and Isak could prop each other up, like they each held the key to one another’s happiness.

 

But then again, Even made Isak happy without even trying. Him being around made it easier for Isak to breathe, made him feel safe - not always happy, but at least like he _could_ be. He hoped he did the same for Even, and wanted to try as often as he could support Even in the same way Even supported him.

 

Even sat up, crossing his legs and turning to face Isak before holding out a hand to him.

 

“Do we have a deal?” he asked, raising an eyebrow.

 

Isak sat himself up, mirroring Even’s position, and took his hand to shake it.

 

“Deal,” he said, grinning when Even tugged on his hand, pulling him closer so that he could kiss him.

 

The noise from the party suddenly got louder, the room almost vibrating from the sound of it. Isak tilted his head to listen, and Even frowned and did the same.

 

Isak heard stomping, clapping, and then numbers; a countdown.

 

Even gave Isak’s hand a squeeze, and Isak looked back at him to see a smile blooming on his face.

 

They listened together to the numbers going down from ten, and Isak turned his hand to tangle their fingers together.

 

Isak didn’t believe in fresh starts, really. A New Year wasn’t a clean slate, and it didn’t get rid of all the bad that had happened the year before.

 

But when Even leant in close and whispered “Happy New Year, Isak,” just before he kissed him as the countdown reached its end and everyone began to cheer, Isak felt like it could be the start of something better.

 

Isak pulled Even into a hug when they broke apart, hiding his face in the crook of Even’s neck and holding him tightly.

 

“Happy New Year,” Isak mumbled into Even’s skin, and he smiled when he felt Even shiver before huffing a laugh.

 

There was a thudding of footsteps coming towards the room, and Isak could hear Jonas’ laughter getting louder as the footsteps grew closer. The door clicked open and Isak peered over Even’s shoulder to see Mahdi and Jonas stood in the doorway, grinning. Jonas was wearing a party hat and Mahdi some sunglasses with the frames in the shapes of stars, and they both cheered when they saw Isak and Even.

 

“Hey! Happy birthday bro!” Jonas yelled, words slurring. Jonas paused and frowned, tapping his chin. “Wait, that’s not right is it?”

 

Even, Isak and Mahdi all burst into fits of laughter, and Mahdi patted Jonas on the back, shaking his head.

 

“Happy New Year, you guys,” he said, raising his half empty glass to the other two boys.

 

Isak let go of Even just before he was tackled into a hug by Jonas, who pretty much collapsed on top of him, spilling the rest of his drink on the rug. Even got up to hug Mahdi, and they all froze when they heard someone call from outside the door.

 

“Were they banging?” Magnus shouted, edging into the room with his hands over his eyes.

 

Isak groaned and rolled his eyes as Even sniggered, and Magnus stumbled into the door frame with a curse.

 

“You’re safe, Mags. We’re fully dressed,” Isak said tiredly.

 

“Unfortunately,” Even added, shooting a wink at Isak and making him choke and splutter, face growing warm.

 

All five boys settled back onto the floor, sat in a circle, and Isak watched all his friends talking around him. Even had his arm wrapped around Isak as he laughed along with the other boys, head thrown back and eyes crinkling at the corners. His head was resting on top of Isak’s, and his voice was echoing through Isak’s body, making his skin tingle.

 

It was the best way to see in the New Year. The best way to spend any night, in Isak’s opinion, regardless of whether it was a special night or not. Isak noticed Mahdi in the corner of his eye waving his hand to get Isak’s attention. When Isak looked over to him, Mahdi gave Isak a thumbs up and mouthed a ‘thank you’, and Isak grinned brightly at him, feeling a wave of pride rise up in his chest.

 

Even though nothing was perfect, things were twice as good than the year before, and three times more so than the year before that. Isak was happy. He was surrounded by a group of brilliant people, and he had so many things to look forward to.

 

Isak wondered where he would be at the next New Year’s Eve; what would have changed and what would stay exactly the same. Maybe his mum would be discharged from the centre, still taking big steps forward to erase those rare, small steps back. He hoped he’d still live with Eskild and Linn, still have the home he’d quickly grown to love. He knew he would no doubt still be training and competing, since it was second nature to him and he couldn’t ever imagine not doing it. He wanted to go on holiday somewhere with his friends, wanted to start looking around universities, and wanted to get a job too, so that he could start paying his rent in full again.

 

Isak knew for sure Even would be right by his side, like he always had been, and for once, when Isak looked to the future and all the things that could happen, he wasn’t afraid.

*

Once every two weeks, Even went to therapy. He had been seeing his therapist for almost as long as Isak had known him, and even now once every two weeks he would go to his regular therapy sessions. It used to be once a week, sometimes twice, and Even would come back exhausted but walking a little taller than he had when he’d left.

 

Isak used to be wary of therapy, because the only times he’d ever seen it was on TV or in a movie, when someone would lay on a couch and pour out their feelings, only for a person with a notepad to point out all of their flaws. When Isak was young his father had suggested that his mother went to a therapist. He’d mentioned it tentatively over lunch, saying he had the number of someone a friend had recommended, and Isak’s mother had exploded with anger. She’d said that therapists were only for people that were cursed and sick in the brain, and that they told lies and shared your secrets with the world.

 

Even had been reserved about it at first too. He never wanted to talk about it, never would call it by its name - only telling Isak that he had a meeting to go to. He’d always used to look tense and pale whenever his mother would come to pick him up from Isak’s to drop him off at the office, and from that Isak had figured that therapy was just as bad as his mother had said it was.

 

But, as he got older, Even started to almost look forward to his therapy sessions. He’d talk about it like it were simple a trip to the dentist, and when Isak finally had the courage to ask what it was like, Even had happily answered.

 

“She helps me make sense of things. Even if I talk shit, it’s like she knows exactly what I mean. I used to think she could read my mind when I was younger, but she’s just good at her job. She knows me and knows how to talk to me, and it gives me a chance to clear my head.”

 

A week into the New Year, Even had his first therapy session since before Christmas. Unluckily, it was on the same day his mum was at work and they had no one to take care of Marte. Isak had quickly volunteered, since he was at Even’s house anyway after staying over the night before, and had nowhere else to be. Marte had thanked Isak a thousand times for saving her from being taken to work with her mother where she insisted she would be bored to death.

 

Isak loved Marte. He’d known her since the day she came home, and it had been fascinating watching her grow up and learn about the world she lived it. He’d seen her take her first steps, listened to her babble out her first words, and now she was forming her own opinions and creating her identity. Marte was just as kind and full of energy as Even was, and Isak loved spending time with her.

 

He loved her imagination too; how she could make up stories and games that Isak couldn’t even dream of. She and Even had that in common too - their colourful imaginations were something Isak could barely fathom.

 

She and Isak were sprawled out on the floor, surrounded by crayons, sharpies, and pieces of paper. Marte had already drawn ten different pictures, and had even drawn a dinosaur on Isak’s arm for him, and Isak was doodling absently beside her.

 

“What are you drawing this time?” Isak asked as Marte got out a fresh piece of paper. She had red pen smudge across her cheek, and a butterfly drawn on the back of her hand.

 

Marte had her tongue stuck out of the corner of her mouth, just like Even did when he was concentrating, and her nose was wrinkled up as she stared at the blank page.

 

“My family,” she replied eventually, starting to draw out stick figures side by side with oversized heads and big smiles.

 

“Is this one Even?” Isak asked with a smile, pointing to the tallest stick figure that went right to the top of the page and had the biggest smile.

 

Marte nodded, swirling her yellow pen upwards to draw in Even’s hair. She drew herself next - wearing a top hat and a bowtie - and her mother alongside stick figure Even.

 

Isak frowned when he saw Marte begin to draw another stick figure on the other side of Even.

 

“Who’s that?” he asked, wondering if Marte had a new imaginary friend. She’d had one when she was three, and Even had been terrified of it because he was convinced Marte could see ghosts.

 

Marte rolled her eyes at Isak as if it were obvious, pointing to the snapback on top of the new stick figures head.  

 

“It’s you, dummy. You’re family too,” she said, and Isak had to swallow down the lump in his throat. He leant over wordlessly and kissed the top of Marte’s head, and she made a disgusted noise and ducked her head, but Isak could still see her smiling.

 

Marte’s attention span was short, but her energy neverending, so she and Isak ended up doing a lot in the hour Even was gone. For lunch, Marte insisted she help Isak make sandwiches, which quickly turned into a dance contest when Marte’s favourite song came on the radio.

 

Even came home as Isak and Marte were skidding their way across the kitchen tiles, laughing and singing loudly along with the radio. Neither of them noticed him at first, and both jumped when they heard someone clear their throat by the doorway. Isak spun around to see Even leant against the doorframe, watching Isak and Marte with a soft smile on his face.

 

Marte ran straight over to him and leapt into his arms, and Even caught her easily, smile growing into a grin as he pressed kisses all over her face and she giggled in delight.

 

“How long have you been stood there?” Isak asked, crossing his arms.

 

Even turned his head to grin at Isak.

 

“Long enough to see your terrible dancing,” he replied, and Isak gasped in mock offense, sticking his chin in the air.

 

“I’m a brilliant dancer,” he argued, but both Marte and Even snorted in unison.

 

“No you’re not,” Marte said loudly. Even burst out laughing, hugging Marte tight, and Isak flipped him off when Marte had her head turned.

 

Isak rolled his eyes as Even and Marte giggled together, but he quickly noticed the way Even’s face was pinched with exhaustion. Therapy always took all the energy out of him, because it brought out all the things he usually had tucked away in the back of his mind.

 

Though it eventually made things better, Isak knew Even would often come home surrounded by the sadness and anger and confusion that he’d talked about in his session, and it was hard to shake off.

 

“Alright, if you both think you’re such good dancers then I challenge you to a dance off,” Isak announced, turning the radio up and grinning when he heard Marte squeal with delight.

 

Isak knew he couldn’t dance, and knew Even couldn’t either. He hated the terrible pop songs on the radio, and he was sure at least one of them would fall on the slippery kitchen floor. But as he watched Marte spin herself around in circles and Even grabbed Isak’s hands to dance with him, laughing loudly, Isak decided nothing else mattered but the moment of joy the three had created together.

*

Isak stayed at Even’s that night, since Even’s mother didn’t get home till late and both Isak and Even were too exhausted to make the journey back to Isak’s flat. Isak sat on Even’s bed scrolling through his phone, listening to Even read Marte a story in her bedroom next door. He was doing all of the silly voices for each character, making Marte giggle delightedly.

 

Isak was already half asleep when Even came into the room, and he immediately curled into Even when he crawled into bed.

 

“Marte wants you to quit school and play with her every day. She said you’re her best friend now,” Even mumbled, and Isak snorted a laugh.

 

“Are you jealous?” Isak replied jokingly, words slurring with exhaustion.

 

“Nah,” Even answered quietly, “I don’t blame her. You’re pretty great.”

 

Even made Isak feel a lot of things, some Isak didn’t even have a name for yet, and maybe never would. He made Isak inexplicably happy, made him feel safe, and often left him in awe for plenty of different reasons. One thing Isak had always appreciated was how Even made Isak feel like he belonged, like he always had a place with Even and his family, and had a place in the world to call his own. That feeling of belonging was one that settled under Isak’s skin and made him feel warm all over. It spread through his body quickly and quietly, just like the all consuming comfortable feeling he got just before he fell asleep.

 

Isak pressed a kiss to Even’s shoulder before slinging his arm over his waist, and Even made a noise of contentment, shuffling backwards so that Isak’s chest was flush to his back. Though the bed was far too small and the cold of the wall was digging into Isak’s back, Isak was sure he’d never been as comfortable as he was in that moment.

*

Isak was woken up in the early hours by Even prodding him repeatedly in his side, and when Isak opened his eyes up with a whine, he scowled when he realised it was still dark outside.

 

“Hey, Isak,” Even whispered into Isak’s ear, still poking his fingers into Isak’s ribs.

 

“S’too early to be awake,” Isak groaned, wriggling away from Even but turning himself over so that he could glare at him.

 

Even was sat upright, and Isak could only just make out the outline of him in the dim room. When Isak turned over, Even moved his hand to Isak’s face instead, tracing his fingers across Isak’s forehead and following down the bridge of his nose.

 

“I have to tell you something,” Even said softly, as if he didn’t want to break the comforting warmth of the silence that surrounded them.

 

Isak grunted as a prompt for Even to continue, instinctively moving into Even’s touch as he curled his hand under Isak’s jaw and began stroking the skin there with his thumb.

 

Even stayed quiet for a few moments, still stroking his thumb back and forth across the hinge of Isak’s jaw, and Isak almost drifted back off to sleep, shuffling himself closer to Even’s body.

 

“I love you. Did you know that?” Even said, breaking the silence once more.

 

Isak blinked up at Even, and Even stared back down at Isak. His eyes were shining and his mouth had curled up into a small smile, but Isak could see the hint of hesitation there too. He was picking at the skin on his fingers with his free hand, biting his lip, and he kept flitting his gaze to and from Isak. Isak had no idea what Even could possibly be worried about.

 

Isak knew Even loved him, he’d known that for a long time. From every late night spent talking, every lopsided tin foil trophy, every bone crushing hug and every time he stood at the sidelines of Isak’s competitions cheering him on. Before everything, they were the best of friends first, and Isak knew Even loved him even then, and Isak knew he loved Even right back. Isak was pretty sure he’d always loved Even - could never imagine sharing his life with anyone else except for the one person who had always been by his side. Isak wasn’t scared, he had no hesitation about how he felt. He was scared of a lot of things, and unsure of most, but being in love with Even wasn’t one of them.

 

“I know that, idiot,” replied Isak with a roll of his eyes, but he couldn’t hide the smile on his face. He reached out and tugged on Even’s arm until Even got the message and sunk back down to lay beside Isak. They were nose to nose - Even’s chest touching Isak’s whenever he breathed in - and Isak cupped his hand around the back of Even’s neck.

 

“I love you too,” he whispered back into the space between his and Even’s lips, and he marvelled at the way Even’s face lit up just before he leaned in closer for a kiss.

 

Isak broke the kiss to stifle a yawn with his hand, but they stayed close, still grinning at one another.

 

“But I’ll love you less if you don’t let me sleep,” Isak muttered, prodding at Even’s cheek with his finger. Even laughed softly before shuffling down a little further so that he could settle his head on Isak’s chest and sling his arm across his middle.

 

Isak’s heart felt so full, his mind spinning with all of the moments that had led him to this second, laid tangled up with his best friend asleep on his chest. It was strange to think that only a few weeks ago was when Isak had kissed Even for the first time, because it seemed lifetimes away now. It was like all of Isak and Even’s time together had merged into one, and Isak thought back to what his mother had said last time he had seen her about his and Even’s souls. For an almost giddy moment, he felt like he agreed with her.

 

Isak could have gone on so many different paths in his life, made different decisions that would put him in a completely different place than where he was right now. But Isak felt like he knew for a fact that no matter where his life would go, he would always cross paths with Even. He’d read a theory about infinite universes in the book his mother had given him, all about how certain things he did lead him in a certain direction, and each one of those possibilities became a universe of their own. It was endless options in other lifetimes that infinite Isak’s would live out, and Isak had no idea where each of them would lead. But, one thing he was sure of was that in every single one of those lifetimes, he and Even would meet. Maybe not in the same way, maybe they’d meet when they were older, in a different place and when Isak and Even were in different stages of their life. But in every universe Isak knew for sure that him and Even would be there for each other. Nothing else but that made sense.

* 

The ice was slowly starting to thaw, making room for plenty of rain and annoyingly unpredictable weather as the city fought its way out of winter. The athletics season was in full swing again, and along with school starting again at the same time, Isak was exhausted. He was either studying or training, or rushing to get from one to the other, and he’d often been caught sleeping by Eskild, sat at the kitchen table with his school work surrounding him.

 

It had taken a while to get back into his routine, and the first few weeks were always so chaotic that it made Isak wonder why he put himself through it. Even was struggling too - even more so than Isak - and the stress of it all was getting to him.

 

Isak could see the tension Even was carrying around on his shoulders, see the dark circles under his eyes and had felt him tossing and turning beside Isak in bed when he slept over.

 

It was a rare moment they had time to rest, and Isak and Even were sat side by side on the sofa, too tired to do anything else but watch TV.  Even was picking at his fingers and biting his lip, the shadows under his eyes even more prominent from the glow of the television, and Isak felt a jolt of worry. He knew Even could take care of himself, but he also knew that Even often didn’t want to admit to himself that he was struggling. He’d told Isak that it was an easy rut to fall in to, and he often didn’t even realise that he had fallen in to it. Even was anything but fragile, but Isak didn’t want him to step back into the dark places that he’d fought so hard to get out of time and time again.

 

“Are you having trouble sleeping again?” Isak asked, reaching out to brush his finger under Even’s eyes.

 

Before he could, Even flinched away, pulling his shoulders up around his ears and wrinkling his face into a frown.

 

“I’m fine,” he replied shortly, and Isak deflated and drew his hand back.

 

Isak remembered how it had felt trying to cope with taking care of his mother and dealing with all of the weight of that as well as his training and his homework. Thinking back, he had no idea how he’d managed it, and the bone aching tiredness he felt was something he never wanted to feel again. Even was not only trying to keep up with the fast pace of training and that hard work at school, but he was fighting a battle with his brain every day that must be like weights around his ankles for him. Isak wasn’t sure he completely understood, but after everything that happened he had a good idea of how Even was feeling. It was too much pressure for once person to handle, and Isak just wanted to help.

 

“I know,” Isak said, his voice careful. “But I know how shitty the start of the season is, and it’s even worse when you’re dealing with it on no sleep.”

 

Even sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose with his fingers.

 

“I don’t need you to monitor me like I’m a child. I already have my mum on my back waiting for me to crack and have an episode,” Even snapped, then his face immediately dropped and he looked over to Isak, reaching out to take his hand.

 

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that,” he mumbled, shaking his head.

 

Isak gave Even’s hand a squeeze and leant over, resting his forehead against Even’s temple. He heard Even sigh and lean into Isak, rubbing his thumb across Isak’s knuckles in a silent apology.

 

“It’s okay. I just want you to be happy,” Isak replied with a shrug, and Even turned his head so that he could kiss Isak softly.

 

“I just need to get back into the routine of everything. I’m alright, really. I’m sorry, I I’m awful to be around right now,” he said.

 

Isak snorted and rolled his eyes.

 

“We’re _both_ exhausted and pissed off, Even. I’m so tired right now I’m surprised I can even put sentences together,” Isak joked, feeling triumphant when Even huffed out a laugh.

 

Whenever Even was staying over, Isak would stay up later with him, watching a movie or catching up on school work. He knew Even couldn’t sleep until the early hours, and wanted to keep him company for as long as he could. Even had told Isak that even though his body felt heavy and exhausted, his brain didn’t stop whirring and it kept him awake. Isak knew exactly what he meant, too; even when his eyes were burning and all he wanted to do was sleep, the stress of everything he would need to do the next day snuck into his body and kept him awake for hours.

 

“Why is it so impossible to sleep?” Even whined, dropping his head onto Isak’s shoulder.

 

Isak didn’t reply, just pulled his phone out and put in a google search, scrolling through.

 

Isak sniggered to himself going through the page, and Even lifted his head, giving Isak a questioning look.

 

“This website says we should do a headstand. Apparently it circulates refreshed blood to the brain and gets rid of all our negative emotions,” Isak said.

 

Even laughed loudly, covering his hands with his mouth when Isak hushed him, pointing to Eskild’s room down the hall. Isak carried on reading, grinning at Even’s muffled laughter.

 

“Or we could dunk our faces in freezing water? Apparently being cold helps,” he suggested, and Even’s face immediately dropped.

 

“Fuck that,” he replied, shivering at the thought.

 

Isak read the next part and turned to give Even a sly smile.

 

“What about sleeping naked?” he said, showing Even the screen.

 

Even pretended to consider it for a few moments, then shrugged nonchalantly, biting his lip to hide his grin.

 

“I guess I can live with that,” he replied, voice a little bit too high pitched to be casual. Isak had to turn his head away to hide how hard he was laughing.

 

Even nudged into Isak’s side and spoke again, pointing at Isak’s phone screen.

 

“Here’s a good one for you! Apparently rolling your eyes helps you sleep too. You should be sleeping all the time,” Even joked, and Isak muttered a ‘fuck you’, managing to stop himself just before he instinctively rolled his eyes at Even.

 

Isak felt a little bit lighter just sitting and laughing with Even, and he could see the tension in Even’s back and shoulders slowly disappearing too.

“I wonder if any of these actually work,” Isak wondered out loud, locking his phone and putting it back in his pocket.

 

Even got up off the sofa without a word and stretched out before making his way towards the wall, and when Isak gave him a questioning look, he just grinned.

 

“Why don’t we try?” he suggested, dropping down on his knees and leaning forward onto his forearms, pushing himself up into a headstand as Isak laughed at him.

 

Isak and Even ended up side by side, doing headstands with their feet against the wall, both wobbling violently from laughing so hard.

 

“Feel sleepy yet?” Isak asked, turning to look at Even whose face had turned bright red from all the blood rushing to his head.

 

“Nope, just dizzy,” Even gasped out, before falling forward and landing on his stomach with a thud and a groan.

 

Isak fell shortly after, and they both laid in a heap together, still laughing uncontrollably. Isak definitely wasn’t any more likely to sleep, but he was much happier than he had been earlier in the day.

 

It looked like Even was thinking the same when he turned to Isak to give him a bright grin and reached out to take his hand. Isak started rolling his eyes again and again, earning another laugh from Eve who joined in, but they both quickly gave up on that too.

 

“Urgh, that just makes my head ache,” muttered Isak, and Even made a noise of agreement.

 

“How about we give up and just go to bed and watch a movie?” Even suggested, getting up and pulling Isak with him.

 

Isak followed Even gratefully, still aching from his day of training, and brain still buzzing with electric thoughts that were circling around his head. As he settled down in bed beside Even, complaining at Even choosing Titanic to watch _again_ , the thoughts in his head slowed down a little, and the weight on his chest eased off.

 

Even fell asleep less than an hour into the film, his head drooping onto Isak’s shoulder, and Isak had to try and get the laptop off the bed and lie down without waking Even up.

 

Even finally looked relaxed, jaw slack and breathing heavy. Isak settled down and turned to face Even; he traced his fingers gently down the bridge of Even’s nose and across his bottom lip and smiled to himself. Isak remembered last year when he felt like he would fall apart with the weight of everything going on. Now, though he was exhausted and struggling to keep up, he knew now that he could deal with it. Isak felt a surge of pride for himself at the thought, and for Even too, who proved every day just how strong and brilliant he was.

 

Isak wasn’t worried, wasn’t filled with dread over what he had to do, because he’d dealt with much worse and made it through. Usually he was thinking about all of the feelings going on inside of him, spinning around like a tornado. But now he was thinking of the absence of them, and how before he’d thought the anxiety and sadness he’d felt almost all the time would stick with him forever. Isak was sure it would come back, that he wouldn’t be as lucky to never feel it again, but he had a feeling he could cope with it better the next time it came back.

*

The first competition day of the season came around quickly, and the familiar buzz of adrenaline and the noise of the crowd spiked across Isak’s skin as he and Even walked into the stadium. As always, Even was bouncing on his toes as they walked over to the locker room, eyes shining with excitement that was almost tangible. Even reached out and linked his pinky finger with Isak’s, and Isak could feel Even’s eyes on him, waiting for his reaction. The stadium was already full of people; Isak could see a few other competitors stood around the locker room building, watching them, and he knew there were others close by. A small part of Isak wanted to shrink away, to duck his head and snatch his hand back. But instead Isak reached out and grabbed Even’s hand properly instead, swallowing down anything else except for the excitement of the day.

 

Isak could see Even grinning widely out of the corner of his eye, and Isak knew then that it was worth it.

 

As Isak got changed, he pulled out the rainbow coloured socks that Even had bought him as a gift what seemed like forever ago. Ever since he got them he’d been wearing them underneath his white socks to hide them from others view, too worried about what people would think. But this time Isak left the other socks behind, wanting to wear his stupid, over the top brightly coloured socks with pride, just like how Even always wore his pan bandana boldly around his wrist.

 

As Isak walked back out of the locker room, he could feel eyes on him again, and he felt his heart stutter and drop. But then he saw Even stood nearby waiting for him, and it made him feel a little safer.

 

“Nice socks,” Even said with a grin when Isak was close enough.

 

Isak smiled back and wiggled his toes, remembering the last time Even had seen him wearing them, and how Isak had quickly hidden them.

 

“Lucky socks,” Isak replied.

 

Even wrapped his arm around Isak’s shoulders and pulled him close so that he could press a quick kiss to Isak’s cheek.

 

“You don’t need luck,” he insisted. “You’re amazing.”

 

Even gave Isak’s shoulder a squeeze and went to make his way over to the track, but just before he could Isak pulled Even to a stop, remembering what he’d folded carefully in his pocket.

 

“Before you go,” Isak said as an answer to Even’s questioning frown, and he placed the small package wrapped in tissue paper into Even’s hand.

 

Even gave Isak a knowing smile before unfolding the paper and holding the new headband up close to his face to examine it carefully, like he’d done with every one Isak had given him.

 

This headband was light blue - Even’s favourite colour - and was covered in tiny houses. They were all the same, with little red doors and a white picket fence out the front.

 

Isak had seen it on the way back from visiting his mother when he’d stopped off at a store nearby, and it made his heart squeeze.

 

Isak had always said that Even was his safe place - his home - and now that felt even more true. He knew the moment he saw the headband that he had to get it, but now that Even was holding it in his hands, rubbing his thumbs across the bricked roofs of the houses, he didn’t know how to explain it.

 

“It just reminded me of you, because you’re important, you know? You mean a lot to me,” Isak mumbled, pulling his shoulders up to his ears. He felt ridiculous, like he was being too much, too intense and full of feelings like always.

 

But, like all the times Isak had thrown out a line to Even, started a sentence and hoped that Even knew the end, Even knew exactly how to respond.

 

He tackled Isak into a hug, pressing kisses along the side of his face, from his temple to his jawline and then the top of his head.

 

“I _adore_ you, Isak Valtersen,” Even muttered into Isak’s hair, and Isak couldn’t hide his bright smile as he hugged Even back.

 

Even stepped back to tie the headband around his head, still laughing a little breathlessly and smiling so wide that his eyes crinkled at the corners.

 

“I feel luckier already,” Even said, tapping his forehead.

 

Isak glanced around them to find everyone had already made their way to the track or their seat, so he stepped forward to kiss Even softly.

 

“You don’t need luck, you’re amazing,” Isak said, repeating what Even had said to him just moments before.

 

Even laughed, chasing Isak’s lips when he went to take a step back.

 

“See you after we both win,” he said, before turning and jogging off to the track.

*

Isak found his friends stood by the barriers of the seating area surrounding the track, and he made his way over to them whilst Even and the other competitors warmed up. All three boys were wrapped up in dozens of layers, wearing their hats low and scarves high so only their eyes could be seen, but Isak could see them scowling at him as he made his way over.

 

“Fuck man, how do you cope with running in this weather?” Magnus asked. Jonas immediately pulled off one of his jackets and handed it to Isak, and Isak took it gratefully, draping it over his shoulders.

 

He wore shorts and a t-shirt to compete in because he got so warm so fast, but there was a lot of waiting around in between warming up and competing. Isak didn’t mind in the summer - he could sprawl out on the grass and wait under the sun - but in the winter it was just bitterly cold. Isak had plenty of days of freezing cold feet and numb hands, and Even would often call him an idiot for almost always forgetting his jacket.

 

“It feels like this winter has lasted forever,” Mahdi complained, and the others muttered their agreement.

 

“I can’t wait till summer,” Isak added with a sigh. He was sick of training in the dark and sick of the unpredictable weather.

 

“Oh that reminds me,” Jonas piped up, his mouth spreading into a grin.”My aunt said we can have her cabin for the summer holidays.”

 

Magnus, Mahdi and Isak all cheered and high fived Jonas, and Isak felt the glow of excitement crawl up into his chest. The last time all of the boys had went to the cabin was when Isak was eleven, and Jonas’ parents had come with them. Jonas had promised once they were old enough they’d go there for a holiday alone, and Isak couldn’t wait.

 

Mahdi suddenly threw his head back and groaned and all the other boys turned to frown at him.

 

“When we go to the cabin we’ll have to put up with Isak and Even being all gross and in love for a full _week_ ,” he whined, and Isak sniggered whilst the others all made disgusted faces.

 

“Maybe they’ll have broken up by then,” Magnus joked, winking at Isak when he caught his eye.

 

Before Isak could think of something witty to respond with, Jonas scoffed.

 

“Nah man, have you seen those two? That love is for life, and we’re just going to have to suck it up,” he said, reaching over to ruffle Isak’s hair.

 

Isak grinned widely as he nodded, batting Jonas’ hand away.

 

“That’s right. I’ve had to suffer through all of you guys having girlfriends and sticking your tongues down their throats in front of me at every opportunity. Just because you all are bitter and lonely right now doesn’t mean me and Even are gross,” Isak joked, sticking his chin in the air.

 

All three of the boys shouted out protests at the same time - Magnus claming he could have anyone he wanted, Mahdi insisting he had better things to do, and Jonas giving a speech on how the world revolved too much around romantic relationships.

 

“Being single should be normalised more. It’s bullshit that everyone’s expected to find their soulmate and get married in their twenties. I think-” Jonas was ranting, but was suddenly interrupted by a loud whistle, and the other three boys sighed in relief.

 

The crowd got louder, and Isak turned to see that the athletes were taking their places. Isak quickly handed Jonas his jacket back, flashed the boys a grin and hurried back over to the finish line. He could see Even wearing his new bandana around his head and the shirt Isak had gotten him for Christmas. Marte had given him a badge with a unicorn on it a few weeks ago, so Even had that proudly pinned to his chest too. His expression was completely focused as he rocked from his heels to the balls of his feet and waited for the shotgun to go off.

 

The gun ricocheted off the stadium walls, and as always with the sprint races, it was over before Isak could even blink. Even won, and as he crossed the finish line he didn’t stop, he just ran straight to Isak and almost tackled him to the floor. Isak hugged Even tightly as Even laughed breathlessly into his ear, chest heaving.

 

“That was fantastic,” Isak shouted, pressing a kiss to Even’s cheek. He was still hyper aware of all of the people around him, and didn’t quite feel brave enough to kiss Even in front of everyone yet. Even didn’t seem to mind at all, his face lit up as Isak kissed Even’s cheek again, and he pulled him in for another bone crushing hug.

 

Even was ambushed by their friends quickly after, surrounding him into a group hug as they cheered loudly.

 

The call for Isak’s race came soon after, and Even gave Isak’s hand a squeeze just before Isak made his way over to the start line. He jogged over to the sound of all of his friends and Even behind him calling out good luck wishes and cheering for him, and Isak still had the adrenaline and excitement of Even’s race pulsing through him.

 

Isak stood at the starting line and rolled his shoulders back, shaking out his limbs and preparing himself for the long fight ahead of him. He didn’t feel as prepared as he should, and hadn’t trained enough over the Christmas break, but the expectation of winning he usually carried with him wasn’t weighing him down.

 

Isak knew that no matter what, his friends were there cheering him on loudly, spending their weekend out in the cold just to support him. He also knew that as always, his favourite person in the world was waiting for him at the finish line with the brightest smile and a stupid tin foil trophy in his hand, and that was all that really mattered.

 

Isak took a deep breath in, the noise of the crowd around him becoming a low hum at the back of his mind. As always, it seemed to take a lifetime for the starting gun to go off, and electric tension slowly crept into Isak’s muscles with every second that passed. He would forever love this feeling - where nothing else but the track in front of him mattered - and the excitement and adrenaline built up inside of him, setting every single one of his nerves on edge.

 

The gun went off, echoing through Isak’s head along with his thudding heartbeat. He felt that familiar burn in his lungs, the stinging cold air that made his eyes water, and his muscles protesting from the moment he set off. Still, Isak fought through. He had nothing weighing him down, nothing else to think about in that moment but the track ahead of him and the finish line; nothing to do but run.

 

And so, with a smile on his face and his body buzzing with anticipation, he ran.

 

*

 

The End.

**Author's Note:**

> I know almost nothing about competing in athletics/track, so I do apologise for any inaccuracies! 
> 
> Title is inspired by Misterwives - Drummer Boy
> 
> Find me on [tumblr](http://call-this-a-mask.tumblr.com/), if you'd like. :)


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